General Etiquette > Dating

Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.

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My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s and have been together about two years. When we were in the "dating" phase of our relationship (not exclusive), I found out he was still seeing his ex and a friend of his exes. I broke it off (too much baggage for me), didn't speak to him for a while, and after he broke things off with both of these women, we started dating each other exclusively.

He has a friend who always talks about my boyfriend's exes when they hang out. My boyfriend told me that he has been trying to get him to stop, and he stops briefly, but then brings it up again. It's not so much that the friend talks badly about me, but that he says things like "You remember when you and Ex hung out doing this with me? Do you ever miss Ex2?" Then when my boyfriend tells him to stop because it's inappropriate, friend says things like "Are you sure you are really over her?". In addition, this friend somehow got the idea in his head that he would give my boyfriend's wedding speech (We aren't engaged, but have talked about when it should happen-not for awhile!) and has already written it!! My boyfriend said there was no way he would ever be in that position!!

Here's the thing, this friend and my boyfriend were friends in high school. but my boyfriend isn't the same person he once was back then. This friend is in his late 20's and has never experienced a lot of things people his age has (a relationship!). There's a guy on the Big Bang Theory that is like him, only not as bad (Sheldon?). My boyfriend is getting a phD, and works for the military.

My question is, how do I handle this friend? I can talk to him, but what I have to say won't be as nice as my boyfriend would say. I really think this friend acts the way he does because he's not very mature. I don't think he means harm, I think he's just high school. However, I told my boyfriend if it keeps up, if we ever GOT married, theres no way I would want him in our party if all he does is talk about my boyfriend's exes.

I'd say it's up to your boyfriend to make him quit. The friend needs a firm tongue-lashing talk from him about the inappropriateness of his comments. And if the friend still doesn't quit? Your boyfriend needs to consider dumping his friend because the friend is not a friend but a frenemy if he keeps this up.

friends of my now ex ("Bill") used to do the same thing - however one pair was a married couple

 after asking people to stop ... and they'd later bring up "Bill's" ex college girlfriend "Sue" yet again (it'd been at least 5 yr since he'd been with her  ??? ... and they were still bringing her up)

I finally spoke with the wife of the married couple & asked how she'd feel if people were always bring up her husband's ex-fiance.  That was the last I heard of "Sue"

Is there someone you can use as an example for him?

shhh its me:
  IT may not be an age or maturity thing , I was recently at a wedding were the groom mentioned the other people he dated after meeting the bride and decided not to pressure a relationship with her.

 Some people just don't relate in the same way so they really and truly don't get some things.  Since he is planning the speech he'll give at your wedding and asking if your BF missed his exes , I think he doesn't get not that he is intentional being mean.  You can be really really blunt "Do not ask BF is he misses Ex in front of me it makes me feel like you would rather he was still dating her."  You may have to explain to him why , you may need to show him an internet poll to prove that this is how the vast majority of the world would take it.  You explain it once and then pick one phrase I've told you why we don't talk about ex. If you bring it up again I'm just going to say "inappropriate/in the past" ect.  to say to him when he does it again.    You mentioned the big bang theory , I have compared the groom to the show as well sometime you need to say "its a non optional social convention"

Your boyfriend needs to state very bluntly - "Dude, I'm sick of you bringing up my exes.  It's ancient history, and they're exes for a reason.  If you're so keen on them, how about YOU ask one of them out, but quit insulting my girlfriend by bringing the topic up.  It's NOT cool and I don't like it."


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