Author Topic: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.  (Read 6524 times)

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ILoveMyCello

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Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« on: August 06, 2013, 01:08:11 PM »
My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s and have been together about two years. When we were in the "dating" phase of our relationship (not exclusive), I found out he was still seeing his ex and a friend of his exes. I broke it off (too much baggage for me), didn't speak to him for a while, and after he broke things off with both of these women, we started dating each other exclusively.

He has a friend who always talks about my boyfriend's exes when they hang out. My boyfriend told me that he has been trying to get him to stop, and he stops briefly, but then brings it up again. It's not so much that the friend talks badly about me, but that he says things like "You remember when you and Ex hung out doing this with me? Do you ever miss Ex2?" Then when my boyfriend tells him to stop because it's inappropriate, friend says things like "Are you sure you are really over her?". In addition, this friend somehow got the idea in his head that he would give my boyfriend's wedding speech (We aren't engaged, but have talked about when it should happen-not for awhile!) and has already written it!! My boyfriend said there was no way he would ever be in that position!!

Here's the thing, this friend and my boyfriend were friends in high school. but my boyfriend isn't the same person he once was back then. This friend is in his late 20's and has never experienced a lot of things people his age has (a relationship!). There's a guy on the Big Bang Theory that is like him, only not as bad (Sheldon?). My boyfriend is getting a phD, and works for the military.

My question is, how do I handle this friend? I can talk to him, but what I have to say won't be as nice as my boyfriend would say. I really think this friend acts the way he does because he's not very mature. I don't think he means harm, I think he's just high school. However, I told my boyfriend if it keeps up, if we ever GOT married, theres no way I would want him in our party if all he does is talk about my boyfriend's exes.

Amara

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2013, 01:18:51 PM »
I'd say it's up to your boyfriend to make him quit. The friend needs a firm tongue-lashing talk from him about the inappropriateness of his comments. And if the friend still doesn't quit? Your boyfriend needs to consider dumping his friend because the friend is not a friend but a frenemy if he keeps this up.

rain

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2013, 01:19:24 PM »
friends of my now ex ("Bill") used to do the same thing - however one pair was a married couple


 after asking people to stop ... and they'd later bring up "Bill's" ex college girlfriend "Sue" yet again (it'd been at least 5 yr since he'd been with her  ??? ... and they were still bringing her up)


I finally spoke with the wife of the married couple & asked how she'd feel if people were always bring up her husband's ex-fiance.  That was the last I heard of "Sue"

Is there someone you can use as an example for him?
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shhh its me

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2013, 07:27:06 AM »
  IT may not be an age or maturity thing , I was recently at a wedding were the groom mentioned the other people he dated after meeting the bride and decided not to pressure a relationship with her.

 Some people just don't relate in the same way so they really and truly don't get some things.  Since he is planning the speech he'll give at your wedding and asking if your BF missed his exes , I think he doesn't get not that he is intentional being mean.  You can be really really blunt "Do not ask BF is he misses Ex in front of me it makes me feel like you would rather he was still dating her."  You may have to explain to him why , you may need to show him an internet poll to prove that this is how the vast majority of the world would take it.  You explain it once and then pick one phrase I've told you why we don't talk about ex. If you bring it up again I'm just going to say "inappropriate/in the past" ect.  to say to him when he does it again.    You mentioned the big bang theory , I have compared the groom to the show as well sometime you need to say "its a non optional social convention"


Redsoil

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2013, 07:38:35 AM »
Your boyfriend needs to state very bluntly - "Dude, I'm sick of you bringing up my exes.  It's ancient history, and they're exes for a reason.  If you're so keen on them, how about YOU ask one of them out, but quit insulting my girlfriend by bringing the topic up.  It's NOT cool and I don't like it."
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dawbs

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2013, 08:32:49 AM »
There is a degree to which exes 'come up' in conversation--if I hang out w/ my college friends, college ex is likely going to be mentioned.  But that's not what this is--this is someone deliberately trying to make things awkward/break people up/etc.

That's, IMO, the time when BF should be reconsidering friendships.  Not just because friend is hurting you and making conversations awkward (although those things are true), but because friend thinks upsetting the applecart/hurting his friend/meddling in relationships is something he cand and *should* do. 
What would happen if you and BF break up and BF dates someone else--is he OK w/ friend repeatedly attempting to drive away people he loves in a misguided attempt to force a relationship?
If he's not, now is the time to draw that line in the sand--this may be a hill to die on.

SamiHami

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2013, 10:29:00 AM »
I had this happen early in my relation ship with DH. He'd been in a long term relationship with for a few years before we started seeing each other. His friends did not want to accept me; they were used to him and her being a couple and did not want to accept that I was his girlfriend now (even after she married someone else it still went on. I wonder if they treated her husband badly). Hence, a few of them made a point of bringing her up in conversation - a lot - whenever I was around. To a point it was reasonable since she was still their friend, but there were some that were clearly being PA, trying to make me uncomfortable.

In the end those friends got left behind. My DH and I have been together a total of 27 years now and we don't see any of that group of friends any more. It was their own doing; I was willing to be friends with them but they just would.not.stop. And it wasn't me that caused those friendships to end...my DH got so annoyed and uncomfortable hearing her brought up in conversation constantly that he started distancing himself from that group to the point that the friendships died.

Of course, they don't see it that way. To them I'm the Yoko that pulled their friend away. It's a shame, really, because I didn't do anything about it. They drove him away.

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TootsNYC

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2013, 07:44:32 PM »
Quote
My question is, how do I handle this friend? I can talk to him, but what I have to say won't be as nice as my boyfriend would say. I really think this friend acts the way he does because he's not very mature. I don't think he means harm, I think he's just high school. However, I told my boyfriend if it keeps up, if we ever GOT married, theres no way I would want him in our party if all he does is talk about my boyfriend's exes.

I actually think that you *can* say something directly to him. He is in your social circle now, and his offense is aimed at you. It's not necessary for you to stand behind your boyfriend. Feel free to stick up for yourself.

Then your boyfriend can say, when he complains to him about you, "Dude, she's right, and you'd better knock it off."

It'll probably be more powerful, frankly.

(I've never been a fan of the idea that *only* the actual child can speak to the ILs, etc. I think they need to be the first, but I think it's fair for the person who is being offended, or who has the problem to speak up.)

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2013, 07:09:01 AM »
Does he actually say these things in front of you? Or only to your boyfriend (who then tells you what he said)?

If the latter, I think it's an issue for your BF to deal with. If the former, I think you should definitely speak up. Next time he asks your BF is he "misses his ex-girlfriend", I'd recommend giving a big grin, kissing your BF on the cheek, and saying "Don't be silly [friend]."

And I might also ask [friend] if HE has a thing for your BF's ex, since he seems to enjoy talking about her so much!

Mental Magpie

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2013, 09:22:25 AM »
Quote
My question is, how do I handle this friend? I can talk to him, but what I have to say won't be as nice as my boyfriend would say. I really think this friend acts the way he does because he's not very mature. I don't think he means harm, I think he's just high school. However, I told my boyfriend if it keeps up, if we ever GOT married, theres no way I would want him in our party if all he does is talk about my boyfriend's exes.

I actually think that you *can* say something directly to him. He is in your social circle now, and his offense is aimed at you. It's not necessary for you to stand behind your boyfriend. Feel free to stick up for yourself.

Then your boyfriend can say, when he complains to him about you, "Dude, she's right, and you'd better knock it off."

It'll probably be more powerful, frankly.

(I've never been a fan of the idea that *only* the actual child can speak to the ILs, etc. I think they need to be the first, but I think it's fair for the person who is being offended, or who has the problem to speak up.)

I am a firm believer in the person with the issue should be the person who defends themselves; the other person should be there to back them up.  I think it is more powerful coming from the person who is offended.

OP, speak up for yourself and tell this guy to stop.  If he doesn't, then stop hanging out with him.  If BF suggests it, decline.  "I'd rather not.  He insults our relationship every time we hang out.  I don't want to be around that."
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Raintree

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2013, 04:41:41 PM »
Sounds like he's doing it to annoy you deliberately. How about a blank stare, followed by, "Now why would you ask a thing like that?" or "Wow, you sure do talk about Ex a lot. I didn't realize you were that interested in her; why don't you look her up?"

But he does sound very immature and it may be time to drift away unless there is something else really great about this friendship (for your bf). I find that just because you (general you) are friends in high school, doesn't mean you'll still have anything in common once you (or one of you) grows up.

bopper

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2013, 10:18:42 AM »
You could also ask your boyfriend:  "BF, why do you spend so much time with someone who keeps actively undermining our relationship?"

And to Friend:"Friend, why do you keep bringing up Ex?"

Arila

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2013, 05:29:33 PM »
I dated a guy in HS/College, and as the other guys in his group of friends collected girlfriends/wives, we all became one big mixed group of friends. Now Ex has moved away, and I still see one of his friends for social get-togethers with my now-husband, and friend is always going on about the cool thing he and Ex used to do or "remember the time when we all..." kinds of things.

I know in my case it's not malicious, just story-telling about previous good times. I still think it makes my husband a bit uncomfortable, and he's a saint to not say anything! Given the relative increase in PA between my experiences and yours, I'm sure it's a lot worse. I really feel for you! :(

I would definitely shut my friend straight down if he suggested that I would rather be with Ex, and I think your BF needs to as well. I think your BF should have a candid conversation with the guy, and then should find a broken-record phrase to use any time it comes up after that. "She's my ex for a reason" or "Stop disrespecting GF/my relationship by making a suggestion like that"


Also, love the "geekified" phrase about non-optional social conventions. I might even change that slightly to obligatory social convention. ;)

veronaz

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2013, 06:08:12 PM »
I'd say it's up to your boyfriend to make him quit. The friend needs a firm tongue-lashing talk from him about the inappropriateness of his comments. And if the friend still doesn't quit? Your boyfriend needs to consider dumping his friend because the friend is not a friend but a frenemy if he keeps this up.

This.

What that guy is doing is extremely poor taste.  OP, does he not like you or is he just thoughtless/clueless?
« Last Edit: September 30, 2013, 06:17:55 PM by veronaz »

Marguette

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Re: Boyfriend's friend keeps bringing up his exes.
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2013, 07:16:43 PM »
It seems like you fully trust in your boyfriend that he is over the exes, but the ďfriendĒ himself is not over them. Apparently he misses them. If either boyfriend or you (you can discuss it beforehand whether he will do it or he is ok with you doing it) should call out the friend on that next time he gets into that.

F: You remember when you and Ex hung out doing this with me? Do you ever miss Ex2?
BF: Of course not, and why would you talk about her in front of my GF?
F: Are you sure you are really over her?
BF: Absolutely sure, but it sounds like you arenít. If youíre still hung up about her, I donít want to hear about it. Iím happy with Cello.