Author Topic: Babysitting the "Precious" child  (Read 13334 times)

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Dream

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #105 on: August 08, 2013, 07:40:34 PM »
Sounds to me like a 12 year old who has cottoned onto a tactic that gets him his own way.

Sensitive kids do exist, manipulative kids also. I'm leaning towards the latter because of his use of language 'Mum lets me' and his badgering to use the computer, despite knowing he can't and shouldn't ask. Makes me wonder if Mum is giving him his own way or he is pushing to see if the OP will. This manipulation of his obviously works for him somewhere.

OP, you did nothing wrong in sending them out nor being frustrated at his response. I would put your foot down in future over both the computer and outside play. Once he knows where he stands with you hopefully he will knock it off.

DottyG

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #106 on: August 08, 2013, 07:48:13 PM »
assuming you've made it clear that he has to do SOMETHING outside (it doesn't matter what)

But has this been made clear?  As it stands, the OP hasn't said that this is the case.  The impression I've gotten from her posts is that this wasn't, actually, clear.  This isn't some huge failing on the OP's part.  But it is something that might be better addressed in the future.  If this is the case, part of the problem was just a miscommunication about what was expected.  (And, since that was part of why the OP was posting the thread here, that is a constructive idea to take away as what to do from now on.)
 


 

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #107 on: August 08, 2013, 08:10:37 PM »


I don't force them to play with each other and actually they don't even have to go to the park although the other four seem to love going there above all else.  They can go in the backyard, play in the sprinkler, ride bikes in the cul-de-sac whatever.   


It sounds to me like the kids know their options, he just didn't want any of them.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #108 on: August 08, 2013, 08:13:24 PM »
My 12 year old son is sensitive too, and sometimes I am sympathetic to what he's getting upset about (being picked on, left out, school work frustrations) and sometimes I want to (and do) groan and tell him to stop, such as when he turns on the waterworks to get out of something or things aren't going his way (ie little things like brother not wanting to watch the same movie).

And while I am sympathetic to the harder parts of being a preteen and middle school and all the hormonal stuff that comes with it, I don't have much patience when he uses tears to get what he wants.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

JoieGirl7

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #109 on: August 08, 2013, 08:27:05 PM »
assuming you've made it clear that he has to do SOMETHING outside (it doesn't matter what)

But has this been made clear?  As it stands, the OP hasn't said that this is the case.  The impression I've gotten from her posts is that this wasn't, actually, clear.  This isn't some huge failing on the OP's part.  But it is something that might be better addressed in the future.  If this is the case, part of the problem was just a miscommunication about what was expected.  (And, since that was part of why the OP was posting the thread here, that is a constructive idea to take away as what to do from now on.)

What different should it make though?  Even if the rule was that they had to be at the park, then he needed to be at the park.

There is no miscommunication here.  The 12 year old is not asking for a clarification, he's trying to get what he wants and being very PA about it.

DottyG

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #110 on: August 08, 2013, 08:37:22 PM »
assuming you've made it clear that he has to do SOMETHING outside (it doesn't matter what)

But has this been made clear?  As it stands, the OP hasn't said that this is the case.  The impression I've gotten from her posts is that this wasn't, actually, clear.  This isn't some huge failing on the OP's part.  But it is something that might be better addressed in the future.  If this is the case, part of the problem was just a miscommunication about what was expected.  (And, since that was part of why the OP was posting the thread here, that is a constructive idea to take away as what to do from now on.)

What different should it make though?  Even if the rule was that they had to be at the park, then he needed to be at the park.

There is no miscommunication here.  The 12 year old is not asking for a clarification, he's trying to get what he wants and being very PA about it.

I disagree.  I really do think, given the story, that there is more here than just a manipulative child trying to just get his own way by being PA.  Something's not right.  As I said before, that might not be the OP's job to figure out what it is.  But it would make me more hesitant (if I were the OP) to force the issue.  We've speculated as to some of the reasons as to what the problem is.  We haven't covered them all - nor will we be able to.  And, yes, one of the reasons could be that he's being PA.  I'm not denying that it's one of many out there.  But I'm also leery of immediately jumping to it given what I'm reading in the story.  The way I'm reading what happened, I'm not getting a PA child.  I'm getting the feeling that something else is going on.
 

 


 
« Last Edit: August 08, 2013, 08:42:02 PM by DottyG »

JoieGirl7

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #111 on: August 08, 2013, 09:08:54 PM »
assuming you've made it clear that he has to do SOMETHING outside (it doesn't matter what)

But has this been made clear?  As it stands, the OP hasn't said that this is the case.  The impression I've gotten from her posts is that this wasn't, actually, clear.  This isn't some huge failing on the OP's part.  But it is something that might be better addressed in the future.  If this is the case, part of the problem was just a miscommunication about what was expected.  (And, since that was part of why the OP was posting the thread here, that is a constructive idea to take away as what to do from now on.)

What different should it make though?  Even if the rule was that they had to be at the park, then he needed to be at the park.

There is no miscommunication here.  The 12 year old is not asking for a clarification, he's trying to get what he wants and being very PA about it.

I disagree.  I really do think, given the story, that there is more here than just a manipulative child trying to just get his own way by being PA.  Something's not right.  As I said before, that might not be the OP's job to figure out what it is.  But it would make me more hesitant (if I were the OP) to force the issue.  We've speculated as to some of the reasons as to what the problem is.  We haven't covered them all - nor will we be able to.  And, yes, one of the reasons could be that he's being PA.  I'm not denying that it's one of many out there.  But I'm also leery of immediately jumping to it given what I'm reading in the story.  The way I'm reading what happened, I'm not getting a PA child.  I'm getting the feeling that something else is going on.

Regardless of why, it still doesn't matter whether it was clear that they were to go to the park or just outside.  The OP did nothing wrong.

miranova

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #112 on: August 08, 2013, 09:14:36 PM »
Fair is not equal.  Different aged children have different privileges.  I have five children, and they can understand this.  The 7 year old knows that he doesn't have a cell phone like the 13 year old because

1.  He's not old enough for a cell phone and
2.  The only reason the 13 year old has one is because he rides his bike to and from school and sometimes there is bad weather and he needs to call me to pick him up.

Things don't HAVE to be fair when there is a big age discrepancy.

This, of course, doesn't mean that the Fred is in charge and gets to do whatever he wants. And strictly speaking, YES, he should do whatever the OP asks of him, because she is in charge.  However, having already parented a 12 year old I can tell you that going to the park with a bunch of littler kids is not even remotely his idea of a good time.  The younger kids enjoy it.  I don't think it's surprising at all that Fred is bored at the OP's house, he's 12.  What does he have to do there that typical pre-teens enjoy?  My 13 year old would be bored to tears if I dropped him off at someone's house who only had much younger children and then told him he can't get on the computer either.  I'm not saying OP has to change her computer rule or even her outside rule, but I completely disagree that the rules MUST be the same for all children in order for it to be "fair".  It's already not fair, the younger children are doing something they truly enjoy while the oldest one is bored out of his mind.  An almost teenager is not the same as an 8 year old and shouldn't be expected to enjoy the same things.

To accomplish the goal of getting some quiet time, which I completely agree is 100% reasonable, I think the OP should talk to Fred about it.  Tell him that there will be quiet time after lunch and ask him to bring a book or something for that time since he has outgrown the park.  If the other kids ask, tell them Fred is older and the park isn't really designed for his age (it's not.) so he will be doing something else during that time.

DottyG

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #113 on: August 08, 2013, 09:17:23 PM »
assuming you've made it clear that he has to do SOMETHING outside (it doesn't matter what)

But has this been made clear?  As it stands, the OP hasn't said that this is the case.  The impression I've gotten from her posts is that this wasn't, actually, clear.  This isn't some huge failing on the OP's part.  But it is something that might be better addressed in the future.  If this is the case, part of the problem was just a miscommunication about what was expected.  (And, since that was part of why the OP was posting the thread here, that is a constructive idea to take away as what to do from now on.)

What different should it make though?  Even if the rule was that they had to be at the park, then he needed to be at the park.

There is no miscommunication here.  The 12 year old is not asking for a clarification, he's trying to get what he wants and being very PA about it.

I disagree.  I really do think, given the story, that there is more here than just a manipulative child trying to just get his own way by being PA.  Something's not right.  As I said before, that might not be the OP's job to figure out what it is.  But it would make me more hesitant (if I were the OP) to force the issue.  We've speculated as to some of the reasons as to what the problem is.  We haven't covered them all - nor will we be able to.  And, yes, one of the reasons could be that he's being PA.  I'm not denying that it's one of many out there.  But I'm also leery of immediately jumping to it given what I'm reading in the story.  The way I'm reading what happened, I'm not getting a PA child.  I'm getting the feeling that something else is going on.

Regardless of why, it still doesn't matter whether it was clear that they were to go to the park or just outside.  The OP did nothing wrong.

My point is, I'm not entirely sure the child did, either.


DottyG

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #114 on: August 08, 2013, 09:19:06 PM »
Fair is not equal.  Different aged children have different privileges.  I have five children, and they can understand this.  The 7 year old knows that he doesn't have a cell phone like the 13 year old because

1.  He's not old enough for a cell phone and
2.  The only reason the 13 year old has one is because he rides his bike to and from school and sometimes there is bad weather and he needs to call me to pick him up.

Things don't HAVE to be fair when there is a big age discrepancy.

This, of course, doesn't mean that the Fred is in charge and gets to do whatever he wants. And strictly speaking, YES, he should do whatever the OP asks of him, because she is in charge.  However, having already parented a 12 year old I can tell you that going to the park with a bunch of littler kids is not even remotely his idea of a good time.  The younger kids enjoy it.  I don't think it's surprising at all that Fred is bored at the OP's house, he's 12.  What does he have to do there that typical pre-teens enjoy?  My 13 year old would be bored to tears if I dropped him off at someone's house who only had much younger children and then told him he can't get on the computer either.  I'm not saying OP has to change her computer rule or even her outside rule, but I completely disagree that the rules MUST be the same for all children in order for it to be "fair".  It's already not fair, the younger children are doing something they truly enjoy while the oldest one is bored out of his mind.  An almost teenager is not the same as an 8 year old and shouldn't be expected to enjoy the same things.

To accomplish the goal of getting some quiet time, which I completely agree is 100% reasonable, I think the OP should talk to Fred about it.  Tell him that there will be quiet time after lunch and ask him to bring a book or something for that time since he has outgrown the park.  If the other kids ask, tell them Fred is older and the park isn't really designed for his age (it's not.) so he will be doing something else during that time.

This, I agree with.  And I think your solution of talking to Fred and seeing if he can bring something with him is a good one.


gen xer

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #115 on: August 08, 2013, 09:20:53 PM »
First of all, I don't think this situation really compares to what a person might do with their own child. Nobody asks if you are available to be your kid's parent Thursday because you are the parent day and night, 24 hours, 18 years. So, yes, time you are responsibility for the child will overlap with time you need/want to do other things. However, you can decline to babysit. You can say you are only able to babysit for 2 hours. You can opt out of any commiyment or you can limit as much as you choose.

You also lack both the power and the responsibility parents have. You can't make mdedical/health/religious/education/economic decisions for the most part bit that also frees you from those responsibilities and consequences.

No way.  Life doesn't come to a screeching halt for this kind of stuff.

I'm not sure where you came up with me making major decisions of the type you described....but I most certainly can make decisions about how my household will run.

Maybe I am misinterpreting your post but I still fail to see how sending kids outside is an abdication of responsibility.  I am not sending toddlers to go play in traffic.

To be honest I don't want to overthink and overanalyze every remotely possible reason he doesn't want to stay outside.   

DottyG

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #116 on: August 08, 2013, 09:22:55 PM »
To be honest I don't want to overthink and overanalyze every remotely possible reason he doesn't want to stay outside.   

And you don't need to.  All you need to know is that there is a reason, and it may be a perfectly valid one (it also may not be, but let's do a benefit of the doubt thing here for now).  You've been given some things to suggest to him - bring a book, sit outside, do something other than the park, and a lot of other things.  So you do have some options here as to what to do from now on.

And, honestly, I think maybe not even thinking of him as "Precious Child" might help.  Yes, you may feel that he's "precious" (and you say your own kids are such as well at times).  But maybe just getting that out of your mind when you look at him might help you find some alternatives that work for both of you - and that don't get your teeth on edge.  If any of that is coming through, it does affect how you're acting.  That's true of any of us.
 
Whether it's coming across or not, I really am trying to help you here.  I'm not blaming you.  Nor am I saying you're abusing the child or even saying your abdicating responsibility.  I'm trying to help you maybe see some options for future dealings with him that make a happier experience for all of you.
 
I think you are getting a little defensive (perhaps understandably, but step back and take a breath here).  No one is telling you you're abusing a child or sending toddlers into the street or doing some of the things you're attributing to posters here.  Like I said before, that's really not fair to the people here who really are trying to help you - even if that's helping you see the other side of things a bit.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2013, 09:32:20 PM by DottyG »

Sharnita

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #117 on: August 08, 2013, 09:38:20 PM »
gen xer, I am not sure what you even think my post said. Your response doesn't really seem to pertain to the comments I made.

gen xer

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #118 on: August 08, 2013, 09:48:39 PM »
Fair is not equal.  Different aged children have different privileges.  I have five children, and they can understand this.  The 7 year old knows that he doesn't have a cell phone like the 13 year old because

1.  He's not old enough for a cell phone and
2.  The only reason the 13 year old has one is because he rides his bike to and from school and sometimes there is bad weather and he needs to call me to pick him up.

Things don't HAVE to be fair when there is a big age discrepancy.

This, of course, doesn't mean that the Fred is in charge and gets to do whatever he wants. And strictly speaking, YES, he should do whatever the OP asks of him, because she is in charge.  However, having already parented a 12 year old I can tell you that going to the park with a bunch of littler kids is not even remotely his idea of a good time.  The younger kids enjoy it.  I don't think it's surprising at all that Fred is bored at the OP's house, he's 12.  What does he have to do there that typical pre-teens enjoy?  My 13 year old would be bored to tears if I dropped him off at someone's house who only had much younger children and then told him he can't get on the computer either.  I'm not saying OP has to change her computer rule or even her outside rule, but I completely disagree that the rules MUST be the same for all children in order for it to be "fair".  It's already not fair, the younger children are doing something they truly enjoy while the oldest one is bored out of his mind.  An almost teenager is not the same as an 8 year old and shouldn't be expected to enjoy the same things.

To accomplish the goal of getting some quiet time, which I completely agree is 100% reasonable, I think the OP should talk to Fred about it.  Tell him that there will be quiet time after lunch and ask him to bring a book or something for that time since he has outgrown the park.  If the other kids ask, tell them Fred is older and the park isn't really designed for his age (it's not.) so he will be doing something else during that time.

I agree completely....and with the almost four year spread between my two they are acutely aware of that fact.   DD1 stays up later, has more freedom, gets more allowance....and has more responsibility than DD2....but at the same time there are some things I hold them both to.  Not spending an entire day rotting their brains with electronics is one of them.  Going outside for a while barring bad weather is another.

Here's the thing though - I expect my kids to suck it up a bit when they are at someone else's house if the rules are a little different.  I don't want them growing up thinking life will always be fair and you are going to get your way everywhere you go.  But at the same time I have the same expectations of other people's kids at my house too.  They can follow the rules of the house.  I don't ask anything unreasonable or extreme....unless fresh air and a park has suddenly become so.

gen xer

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Re: Babysitting the "Precious" child
« Reply #119 on: August 08, 2013, 09:50:25 PM »
gen xer, I am not sure what you even think my post said. Your response doesn't really seem to pertain to the comments I made.
You're right - I don't understand your post at all.