How to tell him I'm not interested?

[Samgirl2]

I've just come back from a group tour style holiday and one of the guys thinks we had a connection, but we really really didn't. However he is very sweet and I don't want to appear mean, but I need him to get the message.

It started because I decided to escape the group on the second evening and take a walk outside the hotel. He was sitting in reception and asked if he could come too. I said yes, because, well, saying no would seem rude. I hadn't really spoken much to him before but he seemed pleasant, if a little shy and a bit awkward.  So we took a walk, it was sunset, and it quickly became obvious he thought we were having a 'moment'. I started to gabble on about anything and everything just so that he couldn't say or do anything. He seemed to be wanting to make a move.

Over the rest of the trip he somehow managed to always be on my table at dinner, to sit next to me or near me on the coach and  my roommate for the trip pointed out he definitely had a thing for me. After 3 days he'd requested we were friends on facebook but I ignored it because I didn't want to encourage him. I was pleasant, I was friendly over dinner, but I never went beyond that and I spoke to everybody, we didn't have many one on one or certainly not in-depth conversations.

When we arrived back in the UK we all collected our bags from the baggage claim and said our goodbyes and a few of us who had got on really well exchanged facebook details and email etc. I relented on adding him, as I was adding so many people I thought it would be fine. As I went to leave the baggage hall to get my train, he insisted on giving me a massive hug. No problem, it's just a hug, but then I turned and left.

Walking through the airport to get to the trains I heard someone running behind me and it was this guy. I said I thought he was going to get his coach but he said he would walk me to the train. I kept walking and said I really didn't want him to miss his coach and I was fine on my own (hint hint) but he kept pace with me. At this point he told me "I'm so glad to have met you, you're such a special person, I think you're an amazing girl and you're beautiful and confident. I'd love to see more of you". I was taken a back (and honestly doubt the sanity of anyone who is this keen on someone they barely know!) and just said thanks, it was nice to meet you, but really, you should go and catch your bus.  He kept pace with me and I was almost at the elevator down to the train platform when he started to say it all again, calling me amazing and special etc etc. I was pushing the elevator button and just as the doors opened he lunged forward and I ducked to the side into the elevator, saying I really had to go!  He then stood and waved and pulled a pouty sad face (like a sad child) it was so odd! 

Yesterday he commented on loads of my photos on FB and this morning he's emailed me saying he wants to take me for dinner and get to know me better, again because I am, apparently, special and amazing. He lives about 20 miles from me.

The thing is, he is a very sweet guy and was really nice and gentle with everyone on the trip. There was nothing really to dislike. But if you duck one someone moves into kiss you, it's not a good sign!!! He is just so much like an eager puppy it was not attractive to me at all, he was more like a nerdy little brother you'd probably end up looking after. But no one wants to kick a puppy!

Anyone know a polite way of saying I'm not interested? He came on so strong with no signals from me I worry I'll have to be really blunt for him to get the message.

[RingTailedLemur]

I think you should stop "hinting" because (IMO) making hints and expecting someone to just "get it" is a little unfair - especially when it is obvious it isn't working.  I think it impolite to expect someone to guess how you feel and be upset when they don't.

Be explicit - he has been open and honest with you so I think it courteous to be honest in return.  Tell him, "No thank you.  I am not interested in you romantically."

If he is bothering you on FB, defriend him.

[SleepyKitty]

At this point he told me "I'm so glad to have met you, you're such a special person, I think you're an amazing girl and you're beautiful and confident. I'd love to see more of you".

I get that this would be really awkward in an airport, so I totally don't blame you for brushing him off, but the quoted above is the point where, to me, he's actually clearly asking you out on a date. That probably would have been the best opportunity to stop, turn to him, and say something along the lines of, "You're a great guy but I'm not interested in dating you." I also agree with RingTailLemur that you actually have not yet turned this guy down, so it's not really fair to keep giving hints and then being annoyed he isn't picking them up. Instead of telling him to go catch his bus, you could have just said: "It's been a long flight and I need to decompress alone. Thanks for understanding, and have a good rest of the trip home."

Just remember, being blunt is not the same thing as being rude. Just respond to his email and tell him clearly, without JADE-ing, that you're not interested and don't want to go out with him. Being nice is a secondary attribute in these situations, being clear is primary.

[poundcake]

Try to take the "he's a sweet and nice guy" out of the equation. Adults need to learn to deal with disappointment.

It sounds like you're in the trap of "I don't want to be mean." It's hard for women, especially. But there is nothing rude, mean, or selfish about setting comfortable boundaries. That includes not getting into any kind of relationship you're not comfortable with. This is going to feel weird for you at first if you're not used to it, but send him a brief note along the lines of "Guy, it appears that you think we had more of a connection than I did. While you are very sweet and nice and will have a lot to offer the right woman, I'm not that woman. I wish you all the best in the future." Make that the last time you contact him. Do not try to be "just friends." BLOCK him and never respond to him again, because he is going to want to argue with you about it, and see if he can change your no to a yes. He's going to insist that you JADE. If you happen to see him again at a group function (it wasn't clear if this was that kind of holiday), do not engage. Hopefully after a butthurt message or two, he'll move on.

Good luck!

[LeveeWoman]

I've just come back from a group tour style holiday and one of the guys thinks we had a connection, but we really really didn't. However he is very sweet and I don't want to appear mean, but I need him to get the message.

It started because I decided to escape the group on the second evening and take a walk outside the hotel. He was sitting in reception and asked if he could come too. I said yes, because, well, saying no would seem rude. I hadn't really spoken much to him before but he seemed pleasant, if a little shy and a bit awkward.  So we took a walk, it was sunset, and it quickly became obvious he thought we were having a 'moment'. I started to gabble on about anything and everything just so that he couldn't say or do anything. He seemed to be wanting to make a move.

Over the rest of the trip he somehow managed to always be on my table at dinner, to sit next to me or near me on the coach and  my roommate for the trip pointed out he definitely had a thing for me. After 3 days he'd requested we were friends on facebook but I ignored it because I didn't want to encourage him. I was pleasant, I was friendly over dinner, but I never went beyond that and I spoke to everybody, we didn't have many one on one or certainly not in-depth conversations.

When we arrived back in the UK we all collected our bags from the baggage claim and said our goodbyes and a few of us who had got on really well exchanged facebook details and email etc. I relented on adding him, as I was adding so many people I thought it would be fine. As I went to leave the baggage hall to get my train, he insisted on giving me a massive hug. No problem, it's just a hug, but then I turned and left.

Walking through the airport to get to the trains I heard someone running behind me and it was this guy. I said I thought he was going to get his coach but he said he would walk me to the train. I kept walking and said I really didn't want him to miss his coach and I was fine on my own (hint hint) but he kept pace with me. At this point he told me "I'm so glad to have met you, you're such a special person, I think you're an amazing girl and you're beautiful and confident. I'd love to see more of you". I was taken a back (and honestly doubt the sanity of anyone who is this keen on someone they barely know!) and just said thanks, it was nice to meet you, but really, you should go and catch your bus.  He kept pace with me and I was almost at the elevator down to the train platform when he started to say it all again, calling me amazing and special etc etc. I was pushing the elevator button and just as the doors opened he lunged forward and I ducked to the side into the elevator, saying I really had to go!  He then stood and waved and pulled a pouty sad face (like a sad child) it was so odd! 

Yesterday he commented on loads of my photos on FB and this morning he's emailed me saying he wants to take me for dinner and get to know me better, again because I am, apparently, special and amazing. He lives about 20 miles from me.

The thing is, he is a very sweet guy and was really nice and gentle with everyone on the trip. There was nothing really to dislike. But if you duck one someone moves into kiss you, it's not a good sign!!! He is just so much like an eager puppy it was not attractive to me at all, he was more like a nerdy little brother you'd probably end up looking after. But no one wants to kick a puppy!

Anyone know a polite way of saying I'm not interested? He came on so strong with no signals from me I worry I'll have to be really blunt for him to get the message.

It is NOT rude to decline to be in the company of someone or to hug him. Too many women have been taught that they must say "yes" to a man so as to not hurt his feelings or be rude.

[Cherry91]

I had one of these in my final year of university. Turning down his repeated invitations to come over and "spend time" didn't deliver the message. He repeatedly texted me, messaged me and just generally wouldn't leave me be. He became known to my housemates as Sir Can't-Take-A-Hint because they could always tell by my expression when I received another text from him (I mentioned him to them once while really frustrated!). It was quite difficult because he and I worked on a student radio show together. He was perfectly nice, he just wasn't my type at all.

In the end, when he was obviously trying to bring a conversation around to asking me out, I fairly bluntly said "I don't want a boyfriend." He stammered and was disappointed, but at least I didn't have to say "I don't want you to be my boyfriend."

[weeblewobble]

You need to make yourself more clear.  You have a choice: Be "nice" and continue to be pestered or stand firm and risk hurting his feelings.  You can't have it both ways. 

When he approaches you about spending time together, tell him you're not comfortable with that, or some variation thereof. If he asks you out, say no thank you. If his actions on Facebook are making you uncomfortable, defriend, block or adjust your settings to your comfort level. You may need to alter your participation with this holiday group.  Do not allow him to corner you into spending alone time with him or separating you from the rest of the group.

You don't have to be rude or confrontational.  But you can't control whether he is hurt by this response.  His emotions are his own to deal with.

For the record, nice guys pick up on their actions making other people uncomfortable.  Nice guys don't chase people through airports.  Nice guys don't make pouty faces when girls don't want to kiss them.  This is not a nice guy.
 

[Samgirl2]

Thanks everyone. I have replied to his message saying:

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I think I should be honest with you. I had a great holiday and it was really nice to meet you, but I am not interested in you in that way. I thought we had more of a friend vibe, there was not a romantic spark for me. I was not aware of giving you any signals.  I want to be upfront because you seemed to be looking for something meaningful and I respect that. I think you seem a really great guy and I hope you meet the right girl for you really soon.


Also, to clarify for some of the posters above: it was a group tour holiday but I did not know anyone before I went and do not expect to really see anyone again. I go on quite a few group travel things and usually keep in touch with a few people on facebook and meet up in a mini-reunion sometimes if we've really hit it off, but it's not expected or required. That's why I thought leaving at the airport would be the end of it.

[Cherry91]

I think that was the best way to handle it. Anything less spelled out and he might have convinced himself there was less hope, but you weren't mean.

[PastryGoddess]

I'd also defriend him on facebook.  There is no real reason to keep him as a friend.  Especially if you don't plan on seeing him again

[Samgirl2]

He replied. Still too intense for me , he barely knows me, and seems to have some hope. Time to enter into a long period of communication silence!

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to write such an upfront and kind reply, I appreciate it. I am glad to have met you and I'm very pleased we can continue as friends because you are truly a wonderful person.

Every blessing,

x

[poundcake]

He replied. Still too intense for me , he barely knows me, and seems to have some hope. Time to enter into a long period of communication silence!

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to write such an upfront and kind reply, I appreciate it. I am glad to have met you and I'm very pleased we can continue as friends because you are truly a wonderful person.

Every blessing,

x

I know you're trying to be kind, OP, but chances are, he's going to see this as hope for the future. If you don't want to be friends with him, you don't have to be friends with him.

ETA: Wait, I'm unclear, was this his reply to you? Or yours to him?

[Samgirl2]

He replied. Still too intense for me , he barely knows me, and seems to have some hope. Time to enter into a long period of communication silence!

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to write such an upfront and kind reply, I appreciate it. I am glad to have met you and I'm very pleased we can continue as friends because you are truly a wonderful person.

Every blessing,

x

I know you're trying to be kind, OP, but chances are, he's going to see this as hope for the future. If you don't want to be friends with him, you don't have to be friends with him.

ETA: Wait, I'm unclear, was this his reply to you? Or yours to him?

This was his reply to me.

[poundcake]

He replied. Still too intense for me , he barely knows me, and seems to have some hope. Time to enter into a long period of communication silence!

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to write such an upfront and kind reply, I appreciate it. I am glad to have met you and I'm very pleased we can continue as friends because you are truly a wonderful person.

Every blessing,

x

I know you're trying to be kind, OP, but chances are, he's going to see this as hope for the future. If you don't want to be friends with him, you don't have to be friends with him.

ETA: Wait, I'm unclear, was this his reply to you? Or yours to him?

This was his reply to me.

Oh, whew! I thought that was what you sent him! Of course, now you might get to deal with the friendzone/forever alone meme posts, but blocking/defriending/hiding/never responding will help.

[Goosey]

He strikes me as a Nice Guy - you know, those guys that come on too strong, build up their expectations, flatter you to the point of discomfort and then wonder why women don't respond.