Author Topic: How to tell him I'm not interested?  (Read 7886 times)

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blueyzca01

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2013, 04:25:45 PM »
Thanks everyone. I have replied to his message saying:

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I think I should be honest with you. I had a great holiday and it was really nice to meet you, but I am not interested in you in that way. I thought we had more of a friend vibe, there was not a romantic spark for me. I was not aware of giving you any signals.  I want to be upfront because you seemed to be looking for something meaningful and I respect that. I think you seem a really great guy and I hope you meet the right girl for you really soon.

Anyone know a polite way of saying I'm not interested?    YES!! "I'm not interested."

You're explaining too much and you're trying to be nice and polite and decent and every wonderful thing that your parents told you were important in being a lady.

Men need direct.  If you spend too much time sugar-coating your turning him down, he can rationalize it away.  "Hey, she said it was really nice to meet me!  AND, she said that I seem to be a really great guy!!!!  It's just a matter of time until she comes around!!  She has got to realize that she IS the right girl!!!!"

No one ever says, "Why me?!?!" when something good happens.

blarg314

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2013, 08:31:57 PM »

Anyone know a polite way of saying I'm not interested?    YES!! "I'm not interested."


Exactly.

Women are taught to be nice. That if a guy is a nice guy and isn't rude/aggressive to the point of near assault, it's mean to not want to go out with him.  So the impulse is to, instead of actually saying no, assuming that anything short of enthusiastic agreement counts as a rejection. The problem with this is, taken to its logical end, you can end up marrying the first non outright jerk who is persistent enough if you never actually say no.

Guy are taught that women are to be pursued. So if a woman is giving reasonably positive responses, then  the impulse is to assume the signs are good and he should continue.

You can see why problems arise when these two approaches collide.

In this particular case, you never actually said no. When he asked if he could walk with you, you said yes (encouragement). You chatted with him politely, let him sit next to you at all the meals, and while you didn't respond enthusiastically, you didn't give any sign that his hitting on you was unwelcome or annoying (and he was doing it hard enough for other people to notice).

In the future there are things you could try. Say no to offers for a walk or any direct overtures like asking you to dance (he'll get over it). Cut off conversations quickly, or pull in other people as a buffer. In a cruise situation, where you can't avoid him at meals, make arrangements with a few friends to help shield you at the dinner table (ie, making sure you don't have to sit next to him). Say no if he offers to dance, or asks to exchange information.

You don't need this for all (or even most) guys. Just the ones who pull the hanging around being attentive but not actually asking you out approach. If they ask you out you can say no, but it's harder to say no when he's just clinging in the hopes that you will respond positively. So that's why you need the friends as buffers/keeping conversations short approach.

As an aside - there are guys who can pick up on when a woman isn't interested and is just being polite. These also tend to be guys who realize that declaring love in an airport to someone you've known for a short time and never actually been on a date with is a bad idea. There are also women who are pretty clueless and honestly don't notice when a guy is expressing romantic (rather than platonic) interest.

PastryGoddess

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2013, 09:14:38 PM »
In the future OP if the word no is too abrupt, then try "no thank you" instead. 

I think you did great in sending him an email letting him know exactly where he stands.

lakey

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2013, 09:58:47 PM »
Tell him the truth, that you see him as a friend. This stuff happens, if he has any maturity he will understand. We've all had crushes on people who didn't feel the same about us. It's part of life.

Raintree

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2013, 12:26:31 AM »
Tell him the truth, that you see him as a friend. This stuff happens, if he has any maturity he will understand. We've all had crushes on people who didn't feel the same about us. It's part of life.

Except that I didn't get the impression the OP wants him as a friend, either. I think she said something about "friends" in her email just because she wanted to be nice. But I don't think women should be expected to be friends with men who are hanging around all hopeful for more. I went out with this guy I had no interest in (blind date) and was not interested in seeing him again, at all. But mutual friends suggested I "just be friends with him, then." No thank you, I have friends already, and I saw nothing to base a friendship on with this guy.

Going back to the initial post, the problems started when she let the guy come for a walk with her. I get the feeling she didn't want him to come, and was actually trying to get away on her own for a bit. I think when he asked, it would have been perfectly fine to say, "Thanks, but I wanted to get out by myself for a bit."

aussie_chick

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2013, 04:42:45 AM »
Op that sounds really awkward, especially the hug and statement made to you before you left the airport. Agree it's really hard to be upfront when someone has basically ambushed you.

Glad you've emailed him and think it's nice he acknowledged how upfront you were. I agree people prefer honesty in these situations even if the info they receive is not what they want to hear.

Just for the future with this guy, if you really are not keen being friends in the physical world as opposed to just the cyber/facebook world then be as equally upfront about that. I know it sounds rude, but he is probably hoping to see you socially and if you have no intention of physically seeing him socially, even as friends then be upfront about it. Sometimes people say "friends" and what they really mean is "i'm happy for you to stay on facebook but i'm not really keen on catching a movie, dinner or drinks". I'd make sure the boundaries are clear as early as possible.

If of course you think you might be happy to have a friendship with him like that, then ignore the above and enjoy getting to know your new friend!

LifeOnPluto

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2013, 11:09:26 PM »
I agree with aussie_chick. I suspect this guy will actually want to be your friend IRL. He may even be hoping that once you hang out as friends, something more will develop.

It sounds like you don't want to be friends IRL (which is absolutely ok!). If so, and if he asks you to hang out as a friend, I'd decline. You could even say "No thanks, I'd prefer it if we're just online friends" (if you're ok with that).

Softly Spoken

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2013, 11:40:49 PM »
Ugh.
Slight tangent/rant: the repeated use of vague compliments like "wonderful" put my teeth on edge. If someone is going to lavish me with compliments, I expect them to be more specific or else I will assume they are just telling me what they think I want to hear.  :P

Anyway. To your dilemma:

If you try and be "friends," he will most likely pine for you and expect you to eventually "come to you senses" and realize you are attracted to him so you two can then become more than friends. ::) You do not need this kind of clueless, needy person anywhere in your life, sucking away at your time/attention/emotional resources.

You really do not owe him any more niceness or politeness. You have been civil and nice and he has trampled your boundaries. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings. You aren't responsible for his infatuation. His cluelessness/social awkwardness/whatever (if that's what it is) is his problem, stop letting it be yours.

Him being "nice" should not translate into him getting away with anything you would not tolerate from someone you didn't like and would have no problem telling off. If he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, his "niceness" does not mitigate his actions.

So yeah, put away all the "nice" - yours and his. It's getting in the way of both of you moving on.

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greencat

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2013, 12:22:32 PM »
First, I POD to the previous posters that it is really and truly and best to say "You're not my type, and I'm not interested in you."  It's actually far, far nicer to say it than to try to brush the guy off politely.

Second, it is not possible most of the time to continue to be friends with someone who has had that type of interest in you which is non-reciprocated.  His entire relationship with you will be built around the foundation of being rejected by you on a romantic level, and with the idea that "maybe someday you'll change and you'll start liking him."

chibichan

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #24 on: November 17, 2013, 08:00:31 AM »
I have a hard time with the assumption that if you don't want him for your boyfriend , then he automatically gets to be your friend instead .

I long ago stopped using the phrase " but we can be friends " or any variation of those words . It brought a lot of guys into my life that I didn't really want there in the first place . Then I had to go through the drama of slowly backing away while being badgered for reasons why I didn't want to be around them .

Just tell him outright - You're a nice guy but I'm not interested in you , or if you want to be nicer -  I'm not interesting in dating anyone right now .

The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

*inviteseller

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #25 on: November 17, 2013, 09:41:17 AM »
My dad told me it was ok to tell these kind of men "I am not interested" in a no nonsense tone, and not to add thank you because it makes it sound like you are flattered when you really aren't.  They have this fantasy relationship built in their head and will take any morsel you throw their way as a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe they can change their mind.  From his response, he still has that hope and is still grasping at straws so I think the kindest thing to do is to completely cut him loose..no FB, texts, phone calls..nothing.  If his feelings are hurt, that is on him to try to figure out why, and maybe he will have an epiphany that his pushy behavior is a complete turn off.

GlassHalfFull

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #26 on: November 17, 2013, 07:28:59 PM »
My dad told me it was ok to tell these kind of men "I am not interested" in a no nonsense tone, and not to add thank you because it makes it sound like you are flattered when you really aren't. 

Smart Dad.   :)  And it really is a courtesy, as it saves their time, too, to move on and find someone with reciprocal feelings. 

turnip

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #27 on: November 17, 2013, 08:31:57 PM »
I think you responded well.  Romantic interests are a classic case where the no-JADEing rule should be used.  Anything other than "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" tends to keep a spark of hope alive, which isn't fair to either of you.

Raintree

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #28 on: November 18, 2013, 12:14:14 AM »
Quote
Just tell him outright - You're a nice guy but I'm not interested in you , or if you want to be nicer -  I'm not interesting in dating anyone right now .

Except nix the bolded. I tried that once, and I got another call 6 months later. I think that phrase is taken to mean, "I just need some time to get over the last one, but I might be interested in 6 months."

Stormtreader

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Re: How to tell him I'm not interested?
« Reply #29 on: November 18, 2013, 05:35:50 AM »
I would also defriend him if you havent already - if he only lives 20 miles away, you dont want him "happening to turn up" to every event you say youre going to on Facebook.