Am I hosting my own shower??

[Rockstar420]

My friend is hosting a baby shower for me in a few weeks, however for logistics (space, accessibility, and to make it easier on me) the shower will actually be held at my house... I've been to showers like this before, and I'm not really worried about that - I think most will understand that it just makes it easier for the mom-to-be.. plus my friend's house has stairs, which would be a problem for some of the guests.

However my friend offered to host my shower months ago, but she also had a new baby since then (just a few weeks ago). She said back when she offered that she'd be able to host, no problem, but I told her if it was too overwhelming she didn't have to, but she seemed confident she could handle it... but now, I don't think she's so sure  Invites have already gone out (from her, with my address on it)... she's got the games and activities planned, but she's asked me to come shopping with her for decorations (which she'll come set up beforehand), and she doesn't think she can handle preparing the food, so she's asked my husband to help with that (since he's a chef, it's not really a big deal for him - it doesn't stress him out the same way it does me)... I did offer to help her with whatever she needs because her new baby is just barely a month old, I can understand that this could be really stressful for her... but at what point am I just hosting my own shower? What can I do to make sure it doesn't come across that way? I'll ask her to make sure she answers the door, greets guests, etc. and I'm asking my husband to make simpler dishes that can be prepared ahead of time, because I don't want him in the kitchen cooking in front of guests, it seems like that would be in bad taste.. I'll help her set up/clean up as necessary, but that should be when the guests aren't there. What can I do to make sure I'm not giving the impression of hosting my own?

[Hmmmmm]

Helping pick out decorations, assisting with decorations in your home, and even greeting guests as they arrive are all fine to me. Even a chef husband preparing the food wouldn't make me feel like you were hosting your own shower.

[Shoo]

If your friend is purchasing the food and decorations, and you're just going shopping with her, then I don't think that means you are hosting your own shower.  The moment you start buying the groceries, ordering the cake, paying for the decorations (and hanging them), however.....  then you ARE hosting your own shower.  If I were you, I'd make sure to take a step back from getting that involved in it, even though it's at your house.

[gellchom]

Your concern is not that you are being stiffed, but for how it will look, which is perfectly valid. 

And I think you're fine.  How is anyone going to know who shopped for decorations, set things up, cleaned up, etc.?

Don't worry about it and just enjoy your shower.  Congratulations!

[*inviteseller]

If she was telling you to go buy all the stuff on your own I would worry, but she probably wants you to make sure you have a say in how it is decorated (especially if you 2 have different tastes).  As far as asking for help with the cooking, she did just have a baby and probably realized she bit off more than she can chew with doing the shower (we feel like supermom in the nesting phase, not so much when the baby first comes  ) so she asked someone else to do the cooking.  The fact it is a chef who happens to be your husband isn't a big deal.  As long as she is not calling and asking you to do the errands or front all the money, I think she is ok.

[CocoCamm]

For me the indication would be the invitation. You say that your friend sent the invites but with your address. Do you mean that guests are RSVP'ing to you? If that is the case then yes, as a guest I would absolutely think you are throwing/hosting your own shower.

Nothing else that you mentioned is indicative of who is hosting the shower IMO.

[Rockstar420]

For me the indication would be the invitation. You say that your friend sent the invites but with your address. Do you mean that guests are RSVP'ing to you? If that is the case then yes, as a guest I would absolutely think you are throwing/hosting your own shower.

Nothing else that you mentioned is indicative of who is hosting the shower IMO.

Sorry - to clarify - friend sent the invite to the guests which said "Baby shower at [Rockstar's address] on xxx date, please RSVP to [friend @ phone number and email address]"

I *think* what we're doing is OK, but I guess I'm caught in the dilemma of helping out a friend who offered to do something nice for me, but is clearing struggling, and the perception of the guests that I'm a self serving, shower hosting gimme pig. I'm leaving all the decisions to her - games, decor, even food (ie: husband makes it, but she picks the menu) but I'm willing to help with labour. For example, she found some quiz/fill in the blank type games, but I made some photocopies of them for her.

I'm worrying about my husband's "chef pride" too - he'll make the food, but I don't want him to do anything to fancy that we couldn't pass off as my friend's cooking. Not that we'll lie, but I don't it to be obvious... although my husband does take great pride in his cooking so I feel like he'll want credit for it  As far as who is paying - she's going to cover decorations, games, favours, etc. but the grocery cost was never mentioned and frankly I feel too weird to ask, so I think DH and I will just pay for them, unless she offers.

Is it also alright that my mom said she's also going to help by lending us a punchbowl, coffee urn, etc. and providing a fruit tray, and one of my aunts RSVPed to my friend with an offer to provide baking?  These are guests, so I don't think they should have to, but I also didn't want to turn down their generous offers so my friend asked if I was OK with that, I said sure, if they are sure they are up to it. Is that OK??

[gellchom]

Of course it's okay.  People offer to help all the time (especially those with punch bowls and coffee urns to lend!). Please don't let it bother you that they want to help with your shower, and that they want to help a new mom out with a big project.

There's an irony here - your concern is that it could look like you or your relatives are giving your own shower (I promise, it doesn't).  But in your very effort to avoid that, you are actually coming dangerously close to micromanaging your shower.  That would look even worse.

Let it go.  Cede control.  Step way back and let things happen the way they are doing them, and just enjoy it. 

[esposita]

Relax! You're over-thinking it!

You sound like a very sweet and thoughtful person. If I can tell that from just your posts, no one who comes to what sounds like is going to be a wonderful shower will think that you are being a gimme-pig.

People will be understanding that your friend just had a baby and you and your husband are helping her out with the "heavy-lifting." I wouldn't bat an eye at the chef-husband of a GOH preparing the food, I'd think it was sweet.

If you really feel bad, think of some small-talk ways to let people know what's going on during the party. Like if someone mentions the cute-ness of the decor, just say something gushy about your friend putting it all together even though she has a new baby. Thank her, right before you begin opening gifts, for "taking the time to host a wonderful gathering, even while in the throes of figuring out motherhood." Or something like that, suited to her personality.

[Rockstar420]

Relax! You're over-thinking it!

You sound like a very sweet and thoughtful person. If I can tell that from just your posts, no one who comes to what sounds like is going to be a wonderful shower will think that you are being a gimme-pig.

People will be understanding that your friend just had a baby and you and your husband are helping her out with the "heavy-lifting." I wouldn't bat an eye at the chef-husband of a GOH preparing the food, I'd think it was sweet.

If you really feel bad, think of some small-talk ways to let people know what's going on during the party. Like if someone mentions the cute-ness of the decor, just say something gushy about your friend putting it all together even though she has a new baby. Thank her, right before you begin opening gifts, for "taking the time to host a wonderful gathering, even while in the throes of figuring out motherhood." Or something like that, suited to her personality.

Aw I like this quite a bit! I love how I can compliment my friend and at the same time make sure everyone knows she's the real host. Love it!!!

gellchom - totally valid point. I do tend to be a bit of a control freak, and I probably am overthinking this waaaaaay too much. General opinion seems to be everything's ok, so I can stop worrying now.

Thanks everyone!!

[lowspark]

I wouldn't bat an eye at the chef-husband of a GOH preparing the food, I'd think it was sweet.

I totally agree with this. I'd be happy to find out that a professional chef had prepared the food, since that would indicate it's gonna be good!! And the fact that the chef happens to be the GOH's husband -- definitely sweet. It means he cares and is involved with the planning and prep for the baby to the point where he is taking out time to pitch in his time for the shower.

Glad you're stepping back and relaxing. That's definitely the best advice. Enjoy the party!

[CocoCamm]

For me the indication would be the invitation. You say that your friend sent the invites but with your address. Do you mean that guests are RSVP'ing to you? If that is the case then yes, as a guest I would absolutely think you are throwing/hosting your own shower.

Nothing else that you mentioned is indicative of who is hosting the shower IMO.

Sorry - to clarify - friend sent the invite to the guests which said "Baby shower at [Rockstar's address] on xxx date, please RSVP to [friend @ phone number and email address]"

I *think* what we're doing is OK, but I guess I'm caught in the dilemma of helping out a friend who offered to do something nice for me, but is clearing struggling, and the perception of the guests that I'm a self serving, shower hosting gimme pig. I'm leaving all the decisions to her - games, decor, even food (ie: husband makes it, but she picks the menu) but I'm willing to help with labour. For example, she found some quiz/fill in the blank type games, but I made some photocopies of them for her.

I'm worrying about my husband's "chef pride" too - he'll make the food, but I don't want him to do anything to fancy that we couldn't pass off as my friend's cooking. Not that we'll lie, but I don't it to be obvious... although my husband does take great pride in his cooking so I feel like he'll want credit for it  As far as who is paying - she's going to cover decorations, games, favours, etc. but the grocery cost was never mentioned and frankly I feel too weird to ask, so I think DH and I will just pay for them, unless she offers.

Is it also alright that my mom said she's also going to help by lending us a punchbowl, coffee urn, etc. and providing a fruit tray, and one of my aunts RSVPed to my friend with an offer to provide baking?  These are guests, so I don't think they should have to, but I also didn't want to turn down their generous offers so my friend asked if I was OK with that, I said sure, if they are sure they are up to it. Is that OK??

I think you are totally in the clear. No one is going to know about anything going on behind the scenes so to speak.