Author Topic: I was insulted. What should I have replied?  (Read 13394 times)

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Danika

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I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« on: August 16, 2013, 07:01:11 PM »
This happened many years ago, so there's nothing I can do about it now, but I wonder what, if anything, I should have said.

In my youth, I had a very large bust, even though I was fairly thin. It was very hard to find dresses to fit my bust. Most of the time, I had to buy a very large size, and then I'd be swimming in the waistline. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and she just told me to pick any dress, as long as it was a specific color. I had a very hard time finding a dress, mostly because of my bust, but also because it wasn't a common color.  I eventually found a dress that kind of fit and since I couldn't find any others, that's what I wore. It was the only one like it at the store, so there weren't other sizes to choose from.

At the rehearsal dinner, I was introduced to the father of the groom. Based on the small amount of chit-chat we made, he seemed nice.

For the wedding, my dress was a little large at the waist but was very tight at the bust. From behind, you could see wrinkles where it was tight. An observant person would have noticed that the wrinkles were at the bust line and not because I was overweight and trying to squeeze into a small dress.

At the wedding, the father of the groom came up to me and said "You should have bought a larger size. Your dress is tight."

I was so shocked. Who says that to someone? I wasn't about to lecture him on how it's hard to find dresses that aren't mumus that fit. I took the comment to mean "You are fat. You should not try to squeeze into things." I was tempted to go off on him and tell him that I was not fat, and I was unlucky enough to have a disproportionate body, and who the eHell was he to criticize my looks, and what the eHell did he know about dress shopping. But I was so shocked, and I knew I'd probably never see him again in my life, so I just gave him a puzzled look, said "what?" and walked away. And I didn't speak to him again for the remainder of the wedding weekend.

ti_ax

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2013, 07:31:51 PM »
"Thanks for the advice." Then ignore him for the rest of your life.

veronaz

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2013, 08:38:48 PM »
The comment was rude and inappropriate.

"Maybe you shouldn't look at me so closely."

OP, curious as to why this bothers you now (I got the impression it happened many years ago).

hyzenthlay

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2013, 08:47:51 PM »
I seriously doubt he had any idea how difficult it was for you to find a well fitted dress. Most men simply don't have the body style problems that women encounter. Their sizes scale up and down with far less variation, and their formal clothing can all be purchased for upper and lower body seperately

Was he rude yes, but I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding. Still a rude comment, still stupid and pointless to make at the wedding, but I think it came from a different place then you may have thought.

These days I'd reply with a story of how long I had shopped and how difficult it was to find the right dress, and then thrown in a comment about how high the expectations are for weddings, and basically tried to hit him with a clue by four. Back when I was in my 20's, I'd have walked away and been irritated at the stupid shopping experience, because I have the same problem as you do  :P




Twik

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2013, 09:29:02 PM »
This I s where you say, "I beg your pardon?" With raised eyebrows.
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gramma dishes

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2013, 09:33:32 PM »

...   Was he rude yes, but I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding. Still a rude comment, still stupid and pointless to make at the wedding, but I think it came from a different place then you may have thought.


I do see your point and it's a good one.  But it was the groom's father. 

VorFemme

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2013, 09:36:43 PM »
Apparently sometime in the past, a study was being done where they measured a lot of people to get an idea on how to update the sizing standards.

After several hundred to a thousand sets of measurements - men fell into basically NINE different body types (short, average, tall overall with long, average, or short legs and the same on the torso). 

Part of the way through the women, they were up to a hundred possible variations on height, build, where "extra" weight, width, or length might be, and the like - so they gave up on making any meaningful changes to the way the sizing had been set up after WWII with studies based on returning nurses (you know, YOUNG women in girdles & bras who had been doing heavy work with limited food and grew up in the Great Depression - so possibly not reaching their full genetic potential height & such due to families not being able to afford plenty of food).

But I've been sewing for about forty years and read widely about various applications of pattern making, ready to wear sizing history & changes, and all for much the same reason as the OP.  I could not buy "off the rack" clothes due to not having an "off the rack" sized body.....

Sadly, as I am now in my fifties, I am no longer slim of waist and hip.....but it has gotten slightly easier to find clothing now that I am no longer wearing a size 12 in RTW and a size 14 in patterns (although the size 14 pattern that I used to wear - IIRC - was for a 36" bust, a 24" waist, and a 35" hip - that is not the current size 14 pattern or RTW measurements).
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Danika

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2013, 10:01:09 PM »
OP, curious as to why this bothers you now (I got the impression it happened many years ago).

I actually hadn't thought of it in years. I thought of it today because I was wearing a bikini to the pool. It's the same bikini that I bought back then, and I had to drive 90 miles to a specialty shop to buy the top and bottom separately for insane amounts of money because my bust was so big and my hips are rather narrow. I've since had a breast reduction and was able to wear the same bikini. So I was thinking about how I was glad that it still fit, and then I started thinking of all of my old ill-fitted clothes that I still had in a closet somewhere and what outfits and dresses might fit better now and I thought of this dress so I remembered the story.

veronaz

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2013, 10:15:25 PM »
Danika, oh....I see.  Thanks for answering.

hyzenthlay

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2013, 11:22:17 PM »

...   Was he rude yes, but I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding. Still a rude comment, still stupid and pointless to make at the wedding, but I think it came from a different place then you may have thought.


I do see your point and it's a good one.  But it was the groom's father.

Whew, reading skills not working well tonight!  Well more jerk then, but seriously guys do NOT have the troubles that women do while shopping!

I've been gaining muscle on my arms and now I'm finding it hard to find tailored shirts that fit my arms  :P 

bloo

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2013, 12:14:48 PM »
I seriously doubt he had any idea how difficult it was for you to find a well fitted dress. Most men simply don't have the body style problems that women encounter. Their sizes scale up and down with far less variation, and their formal clothing can all be purchased for upper and lower body seperately

Was he rude yes, but I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding. Still a rude comment, still stupid and pointless to make at the wedding, but I think it came from a different place then you may have thought.

These days I'd reply with a story of how long I had shopped and how difficult it was to find the right dress, and then thrown in a comment about how high the expectations are for weddings, and basically tried to hit him with a clue by four. Back when I was in my 20's, I'd have walked away and been irritated at the stupid shopping experience, because I have the same problem as you do  :P

Huh. I'm the opposite (per the bolded). In my youth I would've made explanations to boors like the Father of the Groom. Now that I'm 40, I know that people rarely pick up the clues that others try to hit them with so, unless I had absolutely nothing better to do and no one nicer to talk to, I'd have just said, 'uh huh' and walked away to talk to someone else or sit down and file my nails.

Bethalize

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2013, 12:42:59 PM »
I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding.

Not an excuse for demonstrating he felt the right to comment on a woman's body.

veronaz

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2013, 02:44:57 PM »
I imagine what he saw was someone who didn't make an effort for his daughter's wedding.

Not an excuse for demonstrating he felt the right to comment on a woman's body.

I agree.  (btw, I believe he was father of the groom.)  There was no excuse for what he said.

There are many occasions/settings where going up to someone and criticizing their appearance is just plain wrong;  weddings, funerals, graduations, christenings are among them.

daisy1679

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2013, 03:59:15 PM »
Just to put a different spin on things, are you sure he meant to imply that you were overweight and not just that the dress was too tight? I've seen plenty of people who were clearly not overweight in too tight or otherwise inappropriate clothing (on purpose) and he may have thought you were wearing the dress that tight on purpose and he didn't think it was appropriate to wear a tight dress to a wedding.

However, I agree that it was rude to say anything, regardless of what he meant by the comment.

Danika

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Re: I was insulted. What should I have replied?
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2013, 10:17:21 PM »
Just to put a different spin on things, are you sure he meant to imply that you were overweight and not just that the dress was too tight? I've seen plenty of people who were clearly not overweight in too tight or otherwise inappropriate clothing (on purpose) and he may have thought you were wearing the dress that tight on purpose and he didn't think it was appropriate to wear a tight dress to a wedding.

However, I agree that it was rude to say anything, regardless of what he meant by the comment.

OP here.

After I typed it out, it was the first time I thought he might have just meant that it was too tight and not that I was fat. But it's not like I was wearing spandex pants and letting my muffin top hang out. There was really nothing I could do short of wearing a mumu so I didn't see his point in commenting. No cleavage was spilling out. You just saw wrinkles at the back of the dress where the fabric was stretched.