I was insulted. What should I have replied?

[Twik]

My friend, mother of my youngest goddaughter, was venting the other day. The reason? Her 14 year old daughter is having to deal with the same problems she dealt with in her younger days.

She is being treated like she is "loose" based on her bust size. Yes, she is amply endowed; however, she is so modest! I've sewn in modesty inserts into v-neck shirts and she often layers her clothes so that nothing "shows." 

The stories my friend tells me about her preteen and teen years breaks my heart! No one should be judged for their body.

OP, thanks for sharing your story. (I was thinking about how I was the MOB [mother of bride] at our daughter's wedding and realized that the dad of groom would be a DOG, which suits this guy. Remember: thoughts are not rude, acting on them might be rude.)

And, yes, I know "Father of Groom." But it doesn't have the same  feel to it. Okay, EVilGmatoy back in box.

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

[TurtleDove]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

I agree it doesn't make sense, but I think it stems from people not knowing how to conceal a larger bust (if they want to) and therefore looking as though they are displaying it.  The same outfit can look entirely different on different body types.  What appears demure on the slim-hipped and small-busted Taylor Swift would look sexy on the voluptuous Kim Kardashian based solely on body-type.

[Twik]

Busts are just as subject to the Law of Conservation of Matter as anything else.

The post I was referring to mentions the steps the person in question has taken to do exactly what you suggest, with no effect.

[TurtleDove]

Busts are just as subject to the Law of Conservation of Matter as anything else.

The post I was referring to mentions the steps the person in question has taken to do exactly what you suggest, with no effect.

Yes, I know.  The underlying concept, however, I think stems from the idea that underneath it all is sex sex sexiness.  It doesn't make sense, but the fertility = boobs = sexy is where the concept derives I think.

[VorFemme]

I was a preacher's daughter and somewhat naïve at 14 and 15.

I was not happy to find out that I had a "reputation" based on my bust size (at that age I was somewhat confused on "what" was going on - long story).  To give the bare bones of my dilemma, my mother gave me scientifically correct explanations - with no context and no chance to ask questions because...she'd told me *everything" that I needed to know.   Except why guys acted so weirdly...

It was also not MY fault that my mother had a small bust, her mother had a small bust, and thus had no idea how to select a properly supporting bra for a larger bust or how to help me dress to minimize the "display"...or look age appropriate instead of trying to find things that fit - but didn't always make me look as young as I really was...

I found books on how to dress in college and my early career (ironically when I was wearing a military uniform and could apply NONE of the advice on what I could wear to work) and read them cover to cover.  I still check those out and read them as I age and my body has shifted in weight and the distribution of it....still not going to be considered flat chested any time soon, though....

[Twik]

Busts are just as subject to the Law of Conservation of Matter as anything else.

The post I was referring to mentions the steps the person in question has taken to do exactly what you suggest, with no effect.

Yes, I know.  The underlying concept, however, I think stems from the idea that underneath it all is sex sex sexiness.  It doesn't make sense, but the fertility = boobs = sexy is where the concept derives I think.

I agree - plus a lot of "I *want* it to be true, therefore it *must* be true."

[alkira6]

Just to put a different spin on things, are you sure he meant to imply that you were overweight and not just that the dress was too tight? I've seen plenty of people who were clearly not overweight in too tight or otherwise inappropriate clothing (on purpose) and he may have thought you were wearing the dress that tight on purpose and he didn't think it was appropriate to wear a tight dress to a wedding.

However, I agree that it was rude to say anything, regardless of what he meant by the comment.

OP here.

After I typed it out, it was the first time I thought he might have just meant that it was too tight and not that I was fat. But it's not like I was wearing spandex pants and letting my muffin top hang out. There was really nothing I could do short of wearing a mumu so I didn't see his point in commenting. No cleavage was spilling out. You just saw wrinkles at the back of the dress where the fabric was stretched.

Oh, I agree you didn't have a choice. I'm a 38DDD myself (more like a 36G, but finding that size is nearly impossible without spending a small fortune), so I know what it's like to try and fit that body. Almost all of my tops stretch that way as well  Luckily nobody as been so rude as to comment on it.

As someone who just lost enough bust to actually fit the DD that I have been cramming my F/Gs into, Lane Bryant actually has a nice selection of pretty bras in sizes up to H. I have just been in denial about the girls.   

[mathchick]

I found books on how to dress in college and my early career (ironically when I was wearing a military uniform and could apply NONE of the advice on what I could wear to work) and read them cover to cover.  I still check those out and read them as I age and my body has shifted in weight and the distribution of it....still not going to be considered flat chested any time soon, though....

Would you mind telling us the titles of the books you found useful?  I'd love to know how to dress in a way that is flattering for someone with a large bust without being overexposed.

[VorFemme]

I found books on how to dress in college and my early career (ironically when I was wearing a military uniform and could apply NONE of the advice on what I could wear to work) and read them cover to cover.  I still check those out and read them as I age and my body has shifted in weight and the distribution of it....still not going to be considered flat chested any time soon, though....

Would you mind telling us the titles of the books you found useful?  I'd love to know how to dress in a way that is flattering for someone with a large bust without being overexposed.

Several of them are out of print - I was getting better advice in the 1980s...when I was in my late twenties and a 36" bust that no longer works thirty years later, as a grandmother.  There is more available now on dressing as an older woman - being at the tail end of the Baby Boom means that there is a LOT more stuff available NOW than there was when the early Boomers were the same age!

Fabulous Fit by Judith Rasband - the HOAX (for body shapes) - was one - there were also patterns in the fabric stores marked with the appropriate letter codes for body shapes.  Some are "universal" and others work BEST on the suggested body types, others should NEVER (well, hardly ever) be put on the body shapes they are not suggested for.  If you are costuming a play, the way things fit and the colors do influence the audience's perception of that character....

One suggestion was that underwear below the waist should fit or be slightly loose - no panty lines that way and the clothing should allow the wearer to sit down without anything becoming too tight to breath...which can mean looser for larger sizes as the larger body expands more when sitting down than a smaller person with less flesh on the bone - bones don't expand.  Flesh does...

The main idea is to get your hips and bust/shoulders to look pretty much the same apparent width when dressed, even if the garment flares below the hips a bit.  Slightly loose is more attractive than slightly tight...way too loose & baggy looks like you're trying to make sure no one notices that you are either VERY skinny, VERY plump, or VERY pregnant....

The other books - I would have to find the file folder with my old notes, if they've survived eight(?) moves since 1985 (military & retirement), a flooded basement (a foot of water), and a recent A/C drain overflow in the sewing room.  I can't find a lot of things as I was not the only one emptying the storage closet...VorSon doesn't know what he was hauling out of there, so if I ask him where the bolt of stabilizer, the upholstery fabric, and my various pattern & other file boxes went - he points at the stack of "stuff" he piled in the corner of the guest room....

[TabathasGran]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

I agree it doesn't make sense, but I think it stems from people not knowing how to conceal a larger bust (if they want to) and therefore looking as though they are displaying it.

Based on what went on in third grade, I think it goes deeper than that. This is when one of my friends started developing and I recall well that she was treated with disdain by the girls and confusion by the boys. It was not a problem of fit or concealment in our school uniforms. It was a problem of her needing a bra when no one else in the class did. And kids did act like that meant she was "loose". What on earth is a loose 3rd grader? It was upsetting.

[MommyPenguin]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

I agree it doesn't make sense, but I think it stems from people not knowing how to conceal a larger bust (if they want to) and therefore looking as though they are displaying it.  The same outfit can look entirely different on different body types.  What appears demure on the slim-hipped and small-busted Taylor Swift would look sexy on the voluptuous Kim Kardashian based solely on body-type.

I think that's a good point (or, even if they *do* try to conceal it, there's only so much they can do).  I'm tall, so I know that skirts and shorts have to be longer on me (in proportion to my body) to look "decent."  I ran into an article recently that was talking about the need for a prom dress to be "fingertip length"--fingertip length on me would look, well, let's just say *highly* inappropriate, whereas it might look perfectly find on somebody who was 5'3".  So I could definitely see there being an issue like that with the bust.

Maybe also the fact that some women in our culture do have a larger bust from surgery, and that leaves an association of "larger bust=surgery to get it=wants attention/sex" even in cases where it should be very obvious that it's natural and the girl does *not* want the attention.

[kherbert05]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

I agree it doesn't make sense, but I think it stems from people not knowing how to conceal a larger bust (if they want to) and therefore looking as though they are displaying it.

Based on what went on in third grade, I think it goes deeper than that. This is when one of my friends started developing and I recall well that she was treated with disdain by the girls and confusion by the boys. It was not a problem of fit or concealment in our school uniforms. It was a problem of her needing a bra when no one else in the class did. And kids did act like that meant she was "loose". What on earth is a loose 3rd grader? It was upsetting.

Try calling a 2nd grader's mother and telling her that the child really needs either an undershirt or bra - because the boys are noticing the development. From the cursing out I got, you would have thought I said the child was playing scrabble. She has a early fall birthday and was held back a year - so at the end of 2nd 9 yo and physical development of a 4th grader not a 2nd grader.

[Jocelyn]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

The explanation I was given, long before there was enhancement surgery, was that large breasts were a result of manual stimulation by a male.
Apparently someone confused the idea that breasts get larger during pregnancy, and came up with a whole new fantasy.

[Twik]

That always strikes me so strange. Unless one goes the implant route, one's bust size is not something one normally has much control over, so the idea "she must be willing to sleep with anyone, because otherwise why would she have large breasts?" makes no sense, any more than "she must have a low libido, because she has a small chest" does.

The explanation I was given, long before there was enhancement surgery, was that large breasts were a result of manual stimulation by a male.
Apparently someone confused the idea that breasts get larger during pregnancy, and came up with a whole new fantasy.

Seriously? Dear heavens.

[gramma dishes]

...  The explanation I was given, long before there was enhancement surgery, was that large breasts were a result of manual stimulation by a male.  ...

Sounds like a story made up by a high school boy! Of course I can't imagine why he would say that.