Author Topic: I think I was stood up by a friend...  (Read 4508 times)

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sarahj21

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I think I was stood up by a friend...
« on: August 17, 2013, 08:18:22 AM »
Last weekend I texted my friends to see who would be out clubbing. One replied, saying she was getting drinks with friends and would then love to hit the clubs with me. She told me where she'd be drinking and I was to go there and meet her, then we'd move on to the clubs. She told me an approximate time. About 30 minutes before I was to meet her, I texted to let her know I'd be 15 minutes late. No answer.

My trip involved taking the train for 25 minutes then walking 20 minutes - yes, in my very tall heels. This wasn't too late and there were plenty of people around so I was fine. It's on a well-known strip of shops - at night, every second shop has a bar or club above it. I got to the bar and lined up to get in but the bouncer said they were only admitting people on the guestlist. I figured either she was on it or she and her friends had gone elsewhere so I gave her a call. No answer. Text. No answer. You know where this is going. I waited five minutes, so 20 minutes past when she was expecting me, and then texted that I was going home. I walked the 20 minutes back to the train station and then waited another 20 minutes for a train. I tried calling at least 10 times as I walked but no answer.

So there I was, an hour after she was expecting me, getting on a train. She called me and said she'd just received my texts. She wanted me to get off the train and come back, or she'd come get me from the station and we'd walk back together. I was too upset to talk to her and told her I'd see her another time. I then didn't answer her barrage of calls until 10 minutes later, when I again let her know I was a bit upset and would rather speak later.

Turns out she and her friends couldn't get into the bar either, so they'd been next door in another bar. It wasn't clear to me whether she hadn't checked her phone that whole time, or if she'd checked it and not cared that she hadn't heard from me, because my texts were delayed. Either way, what's important to me is that she didn't text me when she knew she'd be in another bar. If she'd texted about the other bar, I could have gone in there and found her and I wouldn't be posting this.

So, do you think I was right to go home and not go back? I'd walked 40 minutes in my heels, and been yelled at by a few guys in cars, and also a few guys walking on the street had talked to me (not rudely, but I don't like random attention at night when I'm alone). That's why I don't usually go out alone. It put me in a bad mood, as if I wasn't upset enough by being stood up by my friend.

This happened a week ago and my friend hasn't texted me at all in that time. I tried texting her earlier today and got no reply. I consider her my closest friend and would hate to lose her over what I'm willing to call a misunderstanding. If I don't hear from her in the next 4-5 days, I will probably drop a note in her letterbox, as she lives 5 minutes from me. I don't care about being "right" and her being "wrong" I just want her to know that I wasn't going to wait around indefinitely for her to somehow come and find me - I wouldn't write that in the note though, just ask her to contact me.

caz

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2013, 09:24:44 AM »
I would be annoyed. She should have texted you when she went to the other bar.

Jem

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2013, 09:43:20 AM »
I don't really think you were stood up by your friend.  Things like this happen.  There was no evil intent.  Maybe the phone didn't work in the bar and she didn't realize it.  Maybe she lost track of time (and hour goes fast when you are talking with friends).  In the end, she tried to make it better by volunteering to come and meet you.   

Since I've been in situations like this before I know that it was up to you to make a decision while she was trying to call you.  You could have laughed off the past hour and gone back to have some fun.  Instead, you made it clear that you were upset with her, ignored her phone calls, and then made it clear again that you were upset and that, basically, your night was ruined.   

So, honestly, I think you were in the wrong.  She tried to fix the problem and you wouldn't let her.  I'd actually apologize to her.

I always look at the intent.  She didn't mean to hurt you and tried to fix it.  You, though, intended on making her feel bad and guilty when you rejected her barrage of phone calls and then told her how upset you were, while rejecting her solutions to fix the problem. 


katycoo

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2013, 10:16:34 AM »
I think its a miscommunication.  I think you were justified about being annoyed, but I also think it was likley accidental.  Its so easy to lose track of time.  I've been guilty of it myself and I never hear my phone ringing in my handbag so I often miss calls.
You didn't have any obligation to go back out when she eventualy got in touch with you, but it could have salvaged the evening.  You chose not to, but dwelling on it is only going to make you more cranky.

TurtleDove

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2013, 10:26:16 AM »
POD to Jem. OP, I think you handled this poorly and owe your friend an apology.

bloo

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2013, 10:50:54 AM »
It feels like you were stood up because she did actually make plans with you and failed to connect with you reasonably.

Actually the onus was on your friend to let you know about the changed plans that had them in the other club/bar to save you time and to help you actually...you know, meet up with them.

The 'forgetting to check the phone' excuse (if that's what happened) is kind of...'standing you up' behavior because she knew and accepted that you'd be meeting up with her and her friends so she took on the responsibility to be tied to her cellphone and keep checking it or calling you (even if she had to step outside or go to the ladies room to do so). Which is why I hate meet-ups that are contingent on cellphones with reliable signals.

I would urge you to pick up the phone and actually talk to her. I'd hate the thought of you ending a friendship over miscommunications in texts.

SleepyKitty

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2013, 11:02:36 AM »
OP, I don't blame you for not wanting to walk another 20 minutes back to the bar to meet your friend, and I don't blame you for the night being ruined. Honestly, I'd be upset too and I think in the first phone call, you handled it just fine. You were annoyed, sick of walking around, and just wanted to go home and have some time to cool off rather than talking about it right then - especially in public, on a train. I don't think anyone is under an obligation to let someone else fix a problem they created - sometimes, you're disappointed and hurt and just want to go home. That doesn't mean this was a malicious or rude thing for the friend to have done - it was clearly an accident that she tried to make better. But, there was a mistake, OP was upset, and she just wanted to go home. I don't see either of them being in the wrong in this situation. Friend tried to fix it and apologized, OP just wanted to go home by that point in the evening. Neither of them, I think, were being rude or behaving badly up until this point.

However, I actually think the friend was rude for continuing to call. When I get upset, I know that it's best to have time alone to cool off, so I do exactly what the OP did - I explain that I'm upset, I need some time, and that I would get back to that person. I would be really, really unhappy if someone ignored my clear request for time to calm down and instead barraged my phone with calls. Not okay, in my book. Yes, friend was just trying to apologize and salvage the evening, but good intentions don't excuse someone from ignoring an explicit request to be left alone for a little while. But, remember OP - you asked to be left alone. Of course your friend hasn't texted you since then. Also, if she was having problems receiving texts before, there's a chance she never got the one you've sent more recently.

So, since this is a close friend, what I would do if I were the OP is not apologize. I don't think OP did anything wrong. But, in order to smooth things over, I would call - actually talk to her, don't text or write a letter - and thank friend. Say something like, "Thank you for trying to fix the mistake. I know it wasn't intentional, I was just upset that night and really just wanted to head home. I appreciate your patience with me when I needed time to cool down."

JenJay

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2013, 11:06:30 AM »
I don't think you were stood up exactly, but I do think your friend messed up by not letting you know she was going to be somewhere else and not checking her phone around the time she was expecting you and/or trying to contact you when you were officially late. How were you supposed to know where she was?

I, too, would have gone home. Maybe if she'd tracked you down while you were still closer to the bar than the train, but once you were back on the train? No. I understand why you were upset and I'd have been upset as well. That said, I really doubt she intentionally blew you off. Alcohol seems to make time fly a lot faster and I bet she was surprised at how late it was when she finally realized you hadn't shown up yet.  :-\

I'd call her and leave a message if she doesn't answer, say something like "I apologize that I was angry the other night. I had already walked over 40 minutes and I was grouchy and I knew I wouldn't be good company after that. Let's call it a misunderstanding and move on. Next time we'll set a better meeting place like outside bar Whichever so this doesn't happen again."

dharmaexpress

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2013, 11:10:06 AM »
I was in a bar last night, and I could barely hear the people at my table over the noise of the place - I would never have heard my phone if it rang or beeped.

The whole thing sounds like a miscommunication; first you were upset and she tried to fix it and you wouldn't let her, now she might be giving you a taste of your own medicine and refusing to talk?  Not that you deserve that or it's right, but I can understand how you both might be feeling at this point.

You were definitely not stood up, but you behaved like you felt you were, which is what she was and is reacting to probably.  I'd try to get in touch and apologize, hoping she will also apologize, but it was a miscommunication, not a snub.

m2kbug

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2013, 11:20:57 AM »
I think your friend should have let you know where they were headed.  I think she should have paid attention and been receptive to the phone when you were not there yet. 

I don't think you were wrong at all for calling it a night and heading home.

I don't think ignoring the phone calls was the best way to manage it.  You made it clear you're not going to wait indefinitely when you yourself were late.  You're the one that chose to make the walk in very tall heels and you were dressed to impress and got some unwanted attention, and I'm not really sure exactly how this plays in this scenario or some fault lies on your friend for this.

Friend did try to rectify the situation, meet with you, called you repeatedly, so I think right now I would chalk all this up as miss-communication and mismanagement of time and "one of those things."  You two will plan better in the future.  I would be fully annoyed for not texting or calling and letting you know they went to Bar B when the original meet-up spot didn't work out. 

Poppea

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2013, 11:25:43 AM »
Your friend screwed up.  You felt stood up and your feelings were hurt.  You no longer wanted to go out.  This can be dealt with.

The real problem to me is that your friend is mad at you for having hurt feelings.  She is allowed to be mad that you flet hurt, but you are not allowed to have hurt feelings?  Make up with her if you must, but try to cultivate another good friends because in the future in any misunderstanding it will always be about her feelings, not yours.

*inviteseller

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2013, 11:31:57 AM »
I don't think you need to apologize.  Because you had a set place to meet and she was not there to meet you because she went elsewhere, it was up to her to text or call to tell you the change in plans.  She may not have been able to hear her phone or even get reception in the other club, but if I am meeting someone, I tend to hold my phone in case they call.  You also told her you just wanted to go home when she suggested the change in plans..that is ok too, she should have just said "Sorry for the miscommunication" and left it at that.  I hate when I am miffed at someone and they won't let me take the night to get over it !  When you do speak to her next, just tell her you were upset at the miscommunication and just wanted to go home after waiting.  If this keeps happening, then it may be time to re evaluate the friendship, but a one time thing can blow over.

Two Ravens

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2013, 11:59:24 AM »
Your friend is human. She should have texted you when plans changed but she forgot.

You're human. You didn't feel like partying after walking around for an hour.

These things happen. I think its best just to let it go and resolve to make better contingency plans next time.

sarahj21

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2013, 12:07:58 PM »
I forgot to mention that I texted her when I got home. She texted that we should do something the following day, I replied that I had study to do for some tests (true) and we'd do something soon.

My guess is she probably forgot to check her phone but didn't want to admit it. Her house gets no cell phone reception but I was literally next door to the bar she was in. If she's at home with no signal, my call goes straight to voicemail. These 10+ calls rang many times. Today I texted her while she was at work (so she could see it and reply at the end of her shift).

Also I cried a little shortly before the train arrived because I'd really been looking forward to the night out and it hurt my feelings to be forgotten. :( I didn't have the means to fix my face in my little purse and I really didn't have the enthusiasm to walk another 20 minutes in the cold (it's winter here). My outfit was my choice but we don't have coat checks here so whatever you wear, you have to carry while you drink and dance. My cardigan ties nicely around my purse strap so that's all I had on over my dress. I'm short too so my heels are mandatory; I can make one decent walk in the cold in them before my toes go numb but once I get into a club and warm up, it's much better. We planned on getting a taxi home so no walk back to the station; there are taxi ranks all up the main street.

Two Ravens, that's exactly how I feel. I hope she replies to my text soon and we can make better plans next time.

staceym

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2013, 12:12:55 PM »
Your friend is human. She should have texted you when plans changed but she forgot.

You're human. You didn't feel like partying after walking around for an hour.

These things happen. I think its best just to let it go and resolve to make better contingency plans next time.

I agree with this!!

are you sure she had service? and/or could hear her phone??

I go to the local casino here often..it is notorious for having bad service

just the other week I had plans on meeting people after work.  They were already there.  I texted right as I was leaving work that I was on my way there - didn't hear back; but it didn't concern me as I knew they were there and knew service was bad.  I got there and met up with them; about an hour after I sent a text; I heard my friend's phone and said your phone is going off; and LOL!  it was my text coming through an hour later  ;D