Author Topic: I think I was stood up by a friend...  (Read 5135 times)

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sarahj21

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2013, 01:07:47 PM »
Well all my texts were working (I texted home for a lift from the station and the conversation went back and forth a few times). We have the same service provider. As I said, her phone rang out, it didn't go straight to voicemail like when she's at her home with no service.

The casino here used to have bad service but when I was there a few weeks ago, my brother called to find out where I was and I had no trouble talking to him long enough to guide him over to me. We have "dead zones" around the city where the land dips and my friend lives in one and there's another a few km north along the beach. You cannot make calls from those areas, it goes to "emergency calls only" on my phone. I didn't check how many bars of reception I had but I was able to make those calls. Also my texts say "cannot be delivered" if there's no service but they showed up as sent right away. She was eventually able to call me from wherever she was.

*inviteseller, yes, I hold my phone if I'm expecting someone. And I still check it often because with the loud music and bass I often don't notice it's vibrating and flashing in my hand! There is no way she'd have heard or felt her phone. It was up to her to check it and it's hard to say if she actually did or not.

Allyson

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2013, 01:17:29 PM »
Your friend was flaky, but it doesn't sound like there was deliberate intent to disinvite you. It sounds like a communication fail--yes, she probably forgot to look at her phone. Not good of her, but things like that do happen. If she's flaky like that regularly, I could see you wanting less to do with her. But, if I were you, I would forgive her if this was a one-time mistake.


miranova

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2013, 01:21:02 PM »
It doesn't matter whether or not she could hear her phone since she should have been the one picking up the phone and calling or texting you when she realized that the original meet up location wasn't going to work.  I'm having a hard time understanding what her thought process was when she couldn't get into the first club.  Why didn't it occur to her right then and there to tell you so that you wouldn't waste your time trying?  How did she think you were going to find her?  Maybe I'm just not as understanding as others but I see this as very inconsiderate and I would most definitely have felt disrespected by the lack of communication by her.  The person who makes the decision (even by circumstances beyond their control) to change the location has the obligation to let the other parties know where the event was moved to!  Were you supposed to just walk into every bar looking for her?

I would be put off by her telling you to come back immediately, she should have been apologizing and understanding if you didn't want to travel all the way back, not trying to guilt you into traveling even more than you already had.

Daydream

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2013, 01:39:06 PM »
Your friend screwed up.  You felt stood up and your feelings were hurt.  You no longer wanted to go out.  This can be dealt with.

The real problem to me is that your friend is mad at you for having hurt feelings.  She is allowed to be mad that you flet hurt, but you are not allowed to have hurt feelings?  Make up with her if you must, but try to cultivate another good friends because in the future in any misunderstanding it will always be about her feelings, not yours.

I agree.  I don't understand the viewpoint that you should have gotten off the train and gone back simply because that's what your friend wanted you to do.  What about what *you* wanted and the fact that you had already walked there in heels, tried to find her, and were no longer in the mood to hang out?  For me, mood is important when it comes to socializing and not everyone can switch back into a happy mood after feeling hurt, tired, or in pain. 

Also equally as important, while it was nice of your friend to offer to meet you and walk back with you, unless she was going to carry you, that wouldn't help your feet. 

There was also no reason for you to answer the phone again only to upset yourself further by having to repeat that you were going home.  After reading your first post, I imagined the possibility of you being in a public place, finally answering the phone again to have your friend try and convince you to change your mind, and bursting into tears in frustration in front of strangers.   Then I saw your second post that you'd already been crying before getting on the train and couldn't touch-up your makeup. 

Your friend had other friends she was with, so it wasn't like you were leaving her alone for the night.  You said you'd talk with her about it later and that should have been enough.

I hope things work out and that she'll answer your calls/texts, or the note you put in her mailbox if it comes to that, without accusing you of being wrong.   

TurtleDove

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2013, 05:53:42 PM »
I don't think anyone is saying the OP should have gone back to the club necessarily, just that it was rude of her to be so cold to her friend over what appears to be non-malicious mistake.

Alpacas

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #20 on: August 17, 2013, 06:47:31 PM »
I don't think anyone is saying the OP should have gone back to the club necessarily, just that it was rude of her to be so cold to her friend over what appears to be non-malicious mistake.

I have to admit that i might have missed where the OP was rude to her friend.
All i remember is  this part
" when I again let her know I was a bit upset and would rather speak later " which doesn't seem to be really rude. She said how she felt in what seems to be a polite way, and asked to speak later and then wanted some time for herself.

Winterlight

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2013, 07:04:30 PM »
I think the onus was on her to 1. let you know where they were and 2. to keep her phone handy so she could  see when it was ringing. After standing outside 20 minutes when it's cold and you're dressed to go dancing, then a walk to the train station and the wait for the train, I would probably have been out of the party mood too.
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Reika

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2013, 08:12:27 PM »
I'm failing to see how the OP was rude.

Her friend was thoughtless, not malicious, but that thoughtlessness made her rude in her actions. Why didn't she let the OP know about the change in plans when they happened? I've had similar situations and I called/texted everyone involved as soon as the plans changed.

Daydream

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #23 on: August 17, 2013, 09:41:44 PM »

So there I was, an hour after she was expecting me, getting on a train. She called me and said she'd just received my texts. She wanted me to get off the train and come back, or she'd come get me from the station and we'd walk back together. I was too upset to talk to her and told her I'd see her another time. I then didn't answer her barrage of calls until 10 minutes later, when I again let her know I was a bit upset and would rather speak later.


Sarahj21, I reread your posts and found that I misunderstood this part.  When I replied earlier that there was "no reason for you to answer the phone again...," it was because I thought you hadn't and was trying to say I agreed with that choice, not saying that I thought it was wrong that you did choose to answer the phone again.  (I hope that makes sense.  :) )

But the reason I reread your posts is that I like to try to see things from different viewpoints sometimes, so I wanted to see if I could convince myself that you had been cold or rude in your replies to your friend.  I still don't think so.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2013, 09:44:20 PM by Daydream »

TomatoBunny

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2013, 12:55:02 AM »
It doesn't matter whether or not she could hear her phone since she should have been the one picking up the phone and calling or texting you when she realized that the original meet up location wasn't going to work.  I'm having a hard time understanding what her thought process was when she couldn't get into the first club.  Why didn't it occur to her right then and there to tell you so that you wouldn't waste your time trying?  How did she think you were going to find her?  Maybe I'm just not as understanding as others but I see this as very inconsiderate and I would most definitely have felt disrespected by the lack of communication by her.  The person who makes the decision (even by circumstances beyond their control) to change the location has the obligation to let the other parties know where the event was moved to!  Were you supposed to just walk into every bar looking for her?

I would be put off by her telling you to come back immediately, she should have been apologizing and understanding if you didn't want to travel all the way back, not trying to guilt you into traveling even more than you already had.

I have to agree completely with miranova here. The friend absolutely had the responsibility to text, call, hire street performers to spell it out in the street, or *whatever* to tell the OP that they couldn't get into Bar A and were at Bar B instead. The friend could have even waited outside for the OP to show up, since the bars were next door to each other and caught the OP that way. Instead the friend never contacted the OP at all; not when they learned Bar A was full, not when they picked Bar B, not after entering Bar B, not when the OP was scheduled to arrive and not when they thought she was an hour late. The only reason it seems like the OP got contacted at all was because SHE had called and texted many times and the friend eventually happened to actually notice.

I'm sorry, but how is this not being stood up? OP went to the arranged meeting place, friends were not there, friend was not in contact, OP waited around for a short time for a reply, got nothing and went home alone without knowing what happened. Yes, her friend called her while she was on the train, but that was an hour afterwards. No one is going to wait at the meeting place for an hour for people to show. If the friend had not called until the next day with the same replies, would that make a difference on whether this is considered being stood up? Does being stood up require malicious intent to apply? I didn't think so. I'm not calling the friend malicious, but more like inconsiderate, forgetful, or maybe even too distracted/scatterbrained to keep things organized (i.e. that she should have contacted the OP with info on Bar B).

Also, I don't like that the friend called the OP repeatedly after the OP had answered and ended the first call on the train. That was really unnecessary and bad form on her part.

sarahj21

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2013, 07:57:00 AM »
Thanks everyone. I had a bad feeling on my way there because I realized I was relying on her to be clearly visible in a crowded bar. It's actually the reason why I volunteer to drive - so I can pick everyone up and arrive with them rather than try to find them and find out they're still at home wrestling with their fake eyelashes. I will try to text her again in the next few days (no reply yet). We've never argued before but I find that I become really good friends with people once we have a disagreement and get past it. So maybe this is the start of an amazing friendship. Meanwhile I'll stick to inviting everyone to meet at my place so we can travel together.

violetminnow

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2013, 08:33:52 PM »
Your friend should have texted you when her location changed, but the fact that you were only willing to wait 5 minutes when you showed up 15 minutes late would rub me the wrong way as a friend. That's a pretty big double standard. Then after waiting only a third of the time you think is reasonable to make someone else wait, you left upset then told her you were going home and gave her the silent treatment at some point when she was trying to meet up with you? You owe that girl an apology.

katycoo

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2013, 08:51:44 PM »
Your friend should have texted you when her location changed, but the fact that you were only willing to wait 5 minutes when you showed up 15 minutes late would rub me the wrong way as a friend. That's a pretty big double standard. Then after waiting only a third of the time you think is reasonable to make someone else wait, you left upset then told her you were going home and gave her the silent treatment at some point when she was trying to meet up with you? You owe that girl an apology.

But by that same token, the friend had 20 minutes grace to check her phone and send a text advising of the updated venue.

I don't think either party was significantly in the wrong.

eee

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #28 on: August 19, 2013, 05:11:39 AM »
I would not make or break a friendship due to people not managing to find one another while drinking and clubbing in the nightclub district.

I go out on nights like these all the time, and it's inevitable that someone's phone won't be working, or they won't hear it in the bar, or the bar will not allow someone in, etc etc. It's made worse by the fact that everyone's tottering around in four inch shoes, no jackets, freezing to bits, and drinking. It's hardly a situation Miss Manners would envision when setting rules for proper behaviour. I would usually avoid turning up at the clubs without at least friend actually arriving with me, as it's always a risk that one thing or another will go wrong and you won't be able to find the people you are trying to meet. Phones and texts are particularly unreliable in the bunker-like club setting, plus people who are partying are easily distracted from logistics.

I'm sure you got the message across anyway, hanging up on your friend and refusing her calls. So maybe now she's grumpy too.

sarahj21

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Re: I think I was stood up by a friend...
« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2013, 10:12:01 AM »
Your friend should have texted you when her location changed, but the fact that you were only willing to wait 5 minutes when you showed up 15 minutes late would rub me the wrong way as a friend. That's a pretty big double standard.

My friend was getting drinks with a group of friends, which is why I was meeting her there. They were planning on staying much later and my friend didn't want to be in the one bar all night so I was meeting her then we were going off down the street to the clubs. If she had been left alone, she could have called me to see where I was. We even could have talked while we walked to meet up. I also gave her 30 minutes notice that I'd be late, so if she checked her phone in that 30 minutes, she would have found my message and known she could wait inside the bar which is much warmer and safer than out on the street. I know 15 minutes late isn't ideal but trains on our line run 15 minutes apart so the time delay isn't unusual if we do anything by public transport.

My annoyance is probably increased by the fact that I told her I wasn't sure about meeting her out and about because there was such a risk we'd miss each other. She insisted that I wouldn't have a problem finding the bar (big sign at the top of a flight of stairs) and finding her once there (it's only one level and rather small). So I was also angry that I didn't listen to myself and take my own advice. I related this story to a mutual friend and her reply: "but Friend never checks her phone." :/ My friend still hasn't replied to my message but she's really bad about looking at them and not replying right away, then forgetting to reply later. That's why I'm still not sure, 2 days later, if she's ignoring me or just forgot to reply.