Author Topic: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?  (Read 6663 times)

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GSNW

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Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« on: August 17, 2013, 03:12:46 PM »
This has just come up today and I'm sitting here with my knickers all in a twist over it.

DH and I made plans with some friends of ours to go out tonight (let's call them Matt and Kate).  We told them they could pick the restaurant, they chose a place 20 miles away (described as Matt's "favorite place") and we agreed we would meet there at six.

I planned the stuff I have to do today around this arranged meeting time (and the time it will take in traffic to get there).  I actually have time to write this now since the plans have been effectively canceled.  Here's what happened:

-Last night, agreed to meet at six
-Today, Matt texts DH and says they want to meet at five
-I told DH no, the stuff I have to do today will not allow this
-Matt tells DH it doesn't matter what time we show up, as they are planning on going to the restaurant at 4pm for a beer tasting anyway

Now, we have been out with them a few times before but mostly we have them over to our house.  This is because Matt and Kate really like to get their drink on, in their terms.  We are all in our early 30s but DH and I, while we enjoy some cocktails/beers, are really not into drinking ourselves silly.  We did plenty of that in college and are more or less over it. 

I told DH that now I'm really annoyed because I know what will happen - we can either show up at five (which leaves me no time, and I'll be annoyed), and they will already be mildly drunk.  We can show up at six, which gives me the time I need, but they will both be wasted and they will have zero interest in having dinner with us, just marinating their livers. 

I told DH that I didn't find either option really appealing and I felt like the original plan - to meet out at six and have dinner - was really not intact.  As such, I don't feel bad just taking a pass on tonight and offering to have them over next Saturday.  DH feels like we are "canceling plans." 

To be clear, I know it's not my call what they do before we meet out, but had I known the plan was to taste beer for 1-2 hours before meeting us, I would have never made the plans to begin with. 

What do you guys think?

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2013, 03:21:39 PM »
I'd show up at 6 as planned and have a lovely meal whatever the couple's condition, even if they choose not to eat.  Then I'd never again plan an evening out with them. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

Zizi-K

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2013, 03:28:25 PM »
I agree. I think you have two issues going on - first, that they've tried to change plans on you, and second, that they're drunks and not fun to hang out with when they're that drunk. I think you give them the benefit of the doubt that they can control their drinking and not be totally soused when you show up at 6. You might be surprised, and still have a fun evening out. Or, they could be in a bad way, and you'll have the opening you need to either discuss this with them (that you would prefer not to hang out with them when they're planning on hitting it that hard) or just back away from the relationship, since you would prefer not to be friends with raging alcoholics. However, if you back out now, you'll come across as judgy. I mean, if it were a different friend that didn't have a history of "being overserved," it wouldn't be a big deal at all - they would have asked if you could move it to 5, you would have said that you couldn't, and you still would have met at 6. The fact that they had been there since 4 wouldn't have made such a difference. So, I would go.

Girly

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2013, 03:28:39 PM »
I'd say that 5pm wouldn't work for us, maybe we can catch dinner next weekend, and go out to dinner with just my husband.

mspallaton

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2013, 03:35:08 PM »
I don't think you're being unreasonable and I don't think it is unjustified to feel annoyed at that.  The short-notice changing of plans behavior that most people (most that I knew at least) had no issue with in college is a lot harder to maneuver around as an adult with a full schedule of responsibilities.

The way I see it is - you had plans to meet at six.  They attempted to change those plans and the change doesn't work for you.  If they still want to meet at six, I would go and (as other posters mentioned) and assess their condition.  It sounds like they have done the over-imbibing thing before so I can understand the concern.  If you go and they aren't sober enough to socialize, I would just say to DH that you're not interested in making future plans with them under the same conditions.

shhh its me

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2013, 04:13:01 PM »
  I'm going to disagree on part of the issue "can we met at 5 instead of 6?',  "no",  "ok 6 is good but we'll be here if you want to arrive anytime between 5 and 6"  (which is essentially what was said ) isn't rude.  Being drunk when you arrive at 6 would be very rude , being uninterested in dinner because their chosen per-dinner activity always precludes any interest in dinner also rude. 

Technically you wil be the rude ones to cancel. .  They didn't change plans people are free to do what they like before their plans start with us and you are anticipating rudeness they hadn't actually committed yet.   All that said I may be thinking the same thing as you and would equally annoyed.

"We cancelled last minute on our friends once we found out alcohol was available since they can not be trusted to drink in moderation as to be pleasant company"  You can't complain that they changed plans because they didn't , you can't complain because they got drunk and were bad company because they haven't yet become bad company.  You're complaint is "Our friends can not be trusted not to be drunk bores" not sure you can broach that prior to seeing it tonight. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2013, 04:14:23 PM »
You were already aware they like to drink. The only thing that has changed is you now know their pre-dinner plans include drinking. They could have planned to attend a beer tasting at a different location for 2 hours prior and you wouldn't have been aware until you arrived at the restaurant, so I do think you are canceling last minute on them.

I'd go and then not plan future dinners with them accept at locations such as your home where you feel like you can control their consumption.

*inviteseller

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2013, 04:26:26 PM »
I wouldn't go either.  I have no desire to have a nice meal with 2 people who have already been drinking for 2 hours.  I have some friends that would go to a beer tasting and be totally fine to meet up with for dinner, I have some friends that I know would be embarrassing to be around and I would have the worst time.  That is what these two sound like.  Why waste money when you know the night will be a bust.

Roe

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2013, 04:30:27 PM »
You were already aware they like to drink. The only thing that has changed is you now know their pre-dinner plans include drinking. They could have planned to attend a beer tasting at a different location for 2 hours prior and you wouldn't have been aware until you arrived at the restaurant, so I do think you are canceling last minute on them.

I'd go and then not plan future dinners with them accept at locations such as your home where you feel like you can control their consumption.

I agree.  You *are* canceling plans with them. 

GLaDOS

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2013, 04:50:28 PM »
I think Matt and Kate did change plans.  6:00 was the set time and the OP planned accordingly.  Matt then asked to move it up an hour earlier.   Meeting at 5:00 was not what the OP originally agreed to, even if everything else is the same.


Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts. Having dinner with sober friends, buzzed friends, and fall-out-of-your-chair drunk friends are three different beasts, and the general  assumption is sober. If you know that you're not going to be sober, it's a polite thing to mention that.

Honestly, I would reschedule. It doesn't make sense to go have dinner with people you know won't be good company (and I trust the OP knows this couple well enough to say if they will or not) at a time that screws up all your other plans. But then, OP, I think you should make sure to ask if they're planning to get drunk off their faces beforehand or not in the future. (in a better way, of course!)
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nayberry

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2013, 05:09:53 PM »
I think Matt and Kate did change plans.  6:00 was the set time and the OP planned accordingly.  Matt then asked to move it up an hour earlier.   Meeting at 5:00 was not what the OP originally agreed to, even if everything else is the same.


Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts. Having dinner with sober friends, buzzed friends, and fall-out-of-your-chair drunk friends are three different beasts, and the general  assumption is sober. If you know that you're not going to be sober, it's a polite thing to mention that.

Honestly, I would reschedule. It doesn't make sense to go have dinner with people you know won't be good company (and I trust the OP knows this couple well enough to say if they will or not) at a time that screws up all your other plans. But then, OP, I think you should make sure to ask if they're planning to get drunk off their faces beforehand or not in the future. (in a better way, of course!)

POD

whilst you may be cancelling they changed the whole scope of the plans and turned a nice evenings dinner into what'd likely end up being you & DH making sure they get home ok.  those evenings suck! been there, done that!

CookieChica

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2013, 05:21:01 PM »

Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts.

I do get OP's annoyance but I'm not sure about this line of thinking. I don't think I'm obligated to tell people of my itinerary prior to meeting them so they can assess whether I'll be good company (I am also wary that these people realize that their drinking bothers others). It sounds like there's always a risk that these people will be horrible dinner companions and I think OP is assuming this risk by agreeing to plans.

In the end, I do think it's cancelling plans because the other couple agreed to keep the 6:00 time. I do think you're within your rights to leave if they are sloshes when you arrive.

GLaDOS

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2013, 06:53:49 PM »

Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts.

I do get OP's annoyance but I'm not sure about this line of thinking. I don't think I'm obligated to tell people of my itinerary prior to meeting them so they can assess whether I'll be good company (I am also wary that these people realize that their drinking bothers others). It sounds like there's always a risk that these people will be horrible dinner companions and I think OP is assuming this risk by agreeing to plans.

In the end, I do think it's cancelling plans because the other couple agreed to keep the 6:00 time. I do think you're within your rights to leave if they are sloshes when you arrive.

If it will affect the plans, I think so. And what I'm thinking of isn't an interrogation or anything over whether your condition is acceptable for me to associate with :D. Just a heads up so I can plan accordingly, and I think between friends, it comes up pretty naturally anyway.

For "oh, I'm going to laze around in pajamas and eat ice cream out of the pint while I marathon Breaking Bad," of course not. "I'm headed straight from the airport, so I could be delayed", yeah.  "I just came from a screaming fight with my significant other, and I'm not up for any talk about your upcoming wedding", would be nice. "We just came from the water park and we're sunburned and tired, so the stroll on the boardwalk we planned is right out, and instead we're just gonna shop at the mall", yeah.

I agree that the couple probably isn't aware of the effect their drinking has on others, and that's why I suggested that the OP make sure that what she's signing up for (sober friends and dinner) is what she's getting, not "drunk friends who want to see who can drink the most vodka while performing a  backbend".

And I didn't mention it, but I do agree the OP is cancelling plans. I do think she has good reason to, and she should try to reschedule if she wants.

It may help to know that I'm an introvert, and I very much like to know what to expect, even when I'm meeting up with friends!
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The Wild One, Forever

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2013, 07:44:52 PM »
This surprise change of plans would annoy me, as I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in hanging out with drunk people.  I used to be a heavy drinker but now I am practically abstinent, and being around the "overserved" is something I avoid.

That said, I think you should give them one chance, and meet them for dinner at six, as planned.  They might not be too badly off, and if they are, you can decline future get-togethers.  At any rate, you and your husband can still enjoy a good meal, if not the company.    :P
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delabela

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2013, 09:43:52 PM »
I agree with the poster who said there is actually no change of plans - the couple tried to change plans, OP said no, and the couple basically replied ok, see you when you get here.  The other couple being at the venue is earlier is not a change of plans.  OP is assuming they won't want to eat at 6, but from what I can see, that's just an assumption.

If the OP objects to the activities the couple is choosing to do before meeting the OP, then I suppose it's the best idea to cancel.  I'd hate to be out with someone who was predisposed to not have a good time because they disapproved of something I had done.  But it is the OP canceling, not the other couple changing the plans.  Frankly, if I objected to someone drinking, I wouldn't agree to go to a meal with them - I'd only agree to plans that clearly didn't involve drinking, such as hiking or something.