Author Topic: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?  (Read 6336 times)

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CookieChica

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2013, 09:58:58 PM »

Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts.

I do get OP's annoyance but I'm not sure about this line of thinking. I don't think I'm obligated to tell people of my itinerary prior to meeting them so they can assess whether I'll be good company (I am also wary that these people realize that their drinking bothers others). It sounds like there's always a risk that these people will be horrible dinner companions and I think OP is assuming this risk by agreeing to plans.

In the end, I do think it's cancelling plans because the other couple agreed to keep the 6:00 time. I do think you're within your rights to leave if they are sloshes when you arrive.

If it will affect the plans, I think so. And what I'm thinking of isn't an interrogation or anything over whether your condition is acceptable for me to associate with :D. Just a heads up so I can plan accordingly, and I think between friends, it comes up pretty naturally anyway.

For "oh, I'm going to laze around in pajamas and eat ice cream out of the pint while I marathon Breaking Bad," of course not. "I'm headed straight from the airport, so I could be delayed", yeah.  "I just came from a screaming fight with my significant other, and I'm not up for any talk about your upcoming wedding", would be nice. "We just came from the water park and we're sunburned and tired, so the stroll on the boardwalk we planned is right out, and instead we're just gonna shop at the mall", yeah.

But I would say that two of your examples are changes of plans. Airport delay changes plans. Sunburn changes plans. Drinking at the dinner establishment doesn't change plans, just changes sobriety  :)

Iris

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2013, 11:34:45 PM »
Am I the only one who finds this a bit odd? I don't enjoy beer tasting, but I do enjoy wine tasting. I can't imagine planning to go to a wine tasting at a venue and then inviting someone to meet me at that venue for dinner after I'd been there 2 hours. I would either invite them to the whole 'event' if they were "wine friends" or make totally separate plans if not.

I'm trying to think how to explain how I feel. Alcohol aside, I am often busy all day and then socialising is my time to unwind with friends. After two hours of a couples dinner often the news has been exchanged, the tension of the week is long forgotten, and you're all very relaxed. Conversation may flag, be silly, light, or even intense on issues, but it is a *different mood* to the start of the evening. This plan seems to mix one couple who are at that relaxed stage with another couple at the just arriving stage and that seems a clumsy plan, to me.

On topic, though, I don't think it's actually rude, and I don't think you can say they cancelled, but I wouldn't be super thrilled unless these were very old friends who I mesh with very easily. 
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Shoo

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2013, 11:58:20 PM »
I wouldn't go either.  I have no desire to have a nice meal with 2 people who have already been drinking for 2 hours.  I have some friends that would go to a beer tasting and be totally fine to meet up with for dinner, I have some friends that I know would be embarrassing to be around and I would have the worst time.  That is what these two sound like.  Why waste money when you know the night will be a bust.

I agree.  I can think of fewer things more NOT FUN than hanging out with drunk people.  I have a very low tolerance for drunks.  You are absolutely fine canceling this dinner.  They pulled a bait and switch on you.  You thought you were having dinner with your friends.  They turned it into a dinner with drunks.

RegionMom

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2013, 12:05:52 AM »
Are they wanting ,you to be their sober ride home?

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delabela

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2013, 12:14:55 AM »
I wouldn't go either.  I have no desire to have a nice meal with 2 people who have already been drinking for 2 hours.  I have some friends that would go to a beer tasting and be totally fine to meet up with for dinner, I have some friends that I know would be embarrassing to be around and I would have the worst time.  That is what these two sound like.  Why waste money when you know the night will be a bust.

I agree.  I can think of fewer things more NOT FUN than hanging out with drunk people.  I have a very low tolerance for drunks.  You are absolutely fine canceling this dinner.  They pulled a bait and switch on you.  You thought you were having dinner with your friends.  They turned it into a dinner with drunks.

Fair enough - I, too, am past the point where I care to hang out with people who are wasted.  But the issue I have is that OP knows these people are heavy drinkers, and made plans to go some place that has alcohol, so she doesn't object to their drinking, just that they are starting before OP gets there.  They could just as easily drink at home and come to the restaurant at the same time as OP.

I've been to beer tastings - ideally, it should be like  a wine tasting, where you do not get sloshed, but rather learn information about the various beers and are taken through a progression of small tastings.  It's actually very interesting what they can do with beer!

misha412

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2013, 02:04:11 AM »
I realize I am late to this discussion, but I think the OP was justified in cancelling the plans.

When I plan on going out with people to a nice dinner, I assume they are not going to show up completely sloshed. This couple likes to drink. I think the OP was okay in assuming they would start drinking when they met up for dinner, not have a two hour head start before OP and husband arrived.

If I went and found friends in a bad state of inebriation when I arrived, I would be leaving. If I know that friends will be in that state before I leave the house, I would just stay home. With the couple's history, I think it is a safe assumption that they would be heavily buzzed if not down right drunk if they were drinking for two hours before the OP and husband arrived.

Roe

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #21 on: August 18, 2013, 02:15:45 AM »
Everyone is assuming this couple will be "sloshed" before dinner.  And they are also assuming they will be too drunk to eat or enjoy dinner. 

I don't enjoying hanging out with drunk people but unless this is a definite pattern for them, I think many (OP included) are making way too many assumptions.

And POD delabela.  I've been to both beer and wine tastings and did NOT walk away sloshed...nowhere near it.  (and I'm a lightweight)

Psychopoesie

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2013, 02:37:21 AM »
It is cancelling to pull out because they're attending an earlier event that involves alcohol. People can have all sorts of pre-dinner plans that involve alcohol - after work drinks, an earlier bbq, quiet catch up with friends. These aren't the sort of plans I'd disclose before agreeing to go to dinner with someone. So I can't see why they should be a factor in cancelling dinner.

There's no bait and switch. The plan has not changed - it's still dinner at 6pm.

Only exception would be if the other couple say up front they're going to get tanked at the beer tasting or if they have done so in the past.

It would have been okay if, when the couple asked for the earlier dinner time and mentioned their pre-dinner plans, the OP had asked if they'd rather reschedule for another night.

Maybe if this is an ongoing problem with the couple but OP still enjoys their company, they can aim to meet up for brunch. 

*Edited because my computer did something weird & submitted without me pressing anything (it gets cleverer every day).



« Last Edit: August 18, 2013, 02:53:44 AM by Psychopoesie »

Allyson

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2013, 02:48:55 AM »
Do you know that this will happen because of previous plans with them? Or because it's a beer tasting, so you figure they will be too drunk to enjoy things? I think some people would be totally fine to have dinner after that.

I'm sorry but I *do* think you're cancelling plans. It might be justified, but as others' said, they're basically just saying they'll already be at the place, and were seeing if you'd be interested in joining them earlier. If they are drunk and terrible company, well, that's  no good at all, but you're assuming they will be, which isn't really 'technically' good behaviour either.

bloo

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2013, 08:22:18 AM »
OP, I can understand where you're coming from and were I in the same set of circumstances, I would've done the same thing you did, justified or not.

However, I don't think I'd be in that same situation* because once someone shows me a pattern of behavior (you did say Matt and Kate still like to 'get their drink on') that I don't care to be around, I'd let things drift. My friendship with my BFF has drifted because our values don't line up as much. She's a single mom that still likes to 'get her drink on' and I'm a married mom that doesn't care to go to bars and go dancing every other week. That's one of a few issues. So, honestly, she's no longer my BFF, but we still act like it when we see each other...which is rare. She's got amazing qualities but there's a pattern there that I don't care to deal with at this time of my life. I'm actively seeking friendship from people with similar values.

I'm not telling you to let the friendship drift, just sharing that that is what I'd probably do so that I wouldn't have to be put in similar annoying circumstances again.

*We can all be surprised by someone's behavior, but it sounds like dealing with a drunk Matt and Kate will not be a surprise to the OP, hence her bowing out of the evening's plans.

shhh its me

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2013, 10:25:04 AM »
Everyone is assuming this couple will be "sloshed" before dinner.  And they are also assuming they will be too drunk to eat or enjoy dinner. 

I don't enjoying hanging out with drunk people but unless this is a definite pattern for them, I think many (OP included) are making way too many assumptions.

And POD delabela.  I've been to both beer and wine tastings and did NOT walk away sloshed...nowhere near it.  (and I'm a lightweight)

You're right , I think we all answering with the assumption that OP's assumption it right.   There have been a couple people through out the course of my life who if I heard "we're going to be at the beer/wine tasting for 2 hours before dinner" I'd cringe and want to bow out of dinner.  If anyone but those couple people were at a beer tasting or even hanging out at a bar on quarter beer night before dinner I would think nothing of it.    The pattern of drinking would have to be pretty extreme to justifiable cancel because someone was at an event with alcohol.

Roe

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2013, 01:21:44 PM »
Everyone is assuming this couple will be "sloshed" before dinner.  And they are also assuming they will be too drunk to eat or enjoy dinner. 

I don't enjoying hanging out with drunk people but unless this is a definite pattern for them, I think many (OP included) are making way too many assumptions.

And POD delabela.  I've been to both beer and wine tastings and did NOT walk away sloshed...nowhere near it.  (and I'm a lightweight)

You're right , I think we all answering with the assumption that OP's assumption it right.   There have been a couple people through out the course of my life who if I heard "we're going to be at the beer/wine tasting for 2 hours before dinner" I'd cringe and want to bow out of dinner.  If anyone but those couple people were at a beer tasting or even hanging out at a bar on quarter beer night before dinner I would think nothing of it.    The pattern of drinking would have to be pretty extreme to justifiable cancel because someone was at an event with alcohol.

And if their pattern of drinking is that extreme than it's on the OP because she and her husband made dinner plans with them knowing that fact.

BarensMom

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2013, 01:25:32 PM »
If OP knows that Matt and Katie are such heavy drinkers that it's a problem, then I agree that it's on OP and DH to decline invitations involving alcohol. 

However, I'm really just posting for an update.

AliciaLynette

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2013, 03:03:07 PM »
If OP knows that Matt and Katie are such heavy drinkers that it's a problem, then I agree that it's on OP and DH to decline invitations involving alcohol. 
*snipped*

I agree with you in principle, however the invitation was for dinner (with the possibility of a few drinks during the meal), not for dinner at a beer tasting event.  The initial acceptance can now be rescinded, because the new invitation is for dinner with people who have been drinking/tasting beer for two hours, with the knowledge that this couple do drink to excess (by OP's standards) and will probably make the evening unpleasant for the OP.

OP, I have no real advice, because I would probably go, grit my teeth all night, and then never accept a invite from them again (unless it were a group invite where I could spend time with others).
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Lynnv

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Re: Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2013, 03:33:57 PM »
I told DH that now I'm really annoyed because I know what will happen - we can either show up at five (which leaves me no time, and I'll be annoyed), and they will already be mildly drunk.  We can show up at six, which gives me the time I need, but they will both be wasted and they will have zero interest in having dinner with us, just marinating their livers. 

First of all-a beer tasting does not mean getting terribly drunk (or at least it doesn't have to mean that).  And you say you expect them to only be "mildly drunk."    I dont' see any way that this changes your plans any.  What might happen is speculation.  Educated speculation, true, but speculation nonetheless.

I told DH that I didn't find either option really appealing and I felt like the original plan - to meet out at six and have dinner - was really not intact.  As such, I don't feel bad just taking a pass on tonight and offering to have them over next Saturday.  DH feels like we are "canceling plans." 

The original plan is completely intact.  I agree with your DH.  You didn't agree to meet with them for dinner only if they didn't have pre-dinner cocktails/beers.  You simply agreed to meet with them for dinner.  They asked you about the possibility of meeting earlier, you declined and the original plans are still on.

To be clear, I know it's not my call what they do before we meet out, but had I known the plan was to taste beer for 1-2 hours before meeting us, I would have never made the plans to begin with. 

OP, you accepted plans with Matt & Kate for dinner.  You know of their habit of drinking to a point where you don't enjoy their company.  The fact that you now KNOW for sure that their pre-dinner plans involve a beer tasting does not change the dinner you agreed to.  Your assumption that they didn't have pre-dinner plans didn't make it true.  So the only change is that now you are certain of what they will be doing before their dinner with you.

Anything else (them not wanting to eat, them drinking to excess, them not being entertaining company anymore) is just speculation.  If you were that worried about their pre-dinner plans, then you should have asked about them OR made plans were it was unlikely that they would drink in advance.

I suspect that, since you know them and their history, you will be proven correct in your assumptions.  But that doesn't, IMO, make it okay to cancel plans you made when you knew their history and your tolerance levels were a mis-match. 
Lynn

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