Annoyed. Unreasonable? Justified?

[VorFemme]

I'd suggest rescheduling as the number of errands that you need to run is going to take too much time & energy to be able to "enjoy the night" - and set up the next event to be earlier and at a location without a beer tasting....

We had friends like this thirty years ago - HE was the only one with a driver's license because she grew up in the inner city of (Chicago or New York City - I forget which).  He'd have a drink or three.  He couldn't drive. She couldn't drive.  None of their three kids were old enough to drive.  Second issue was that they always brought the kids - always.  Any event where they were invited turned into a sleep over....I liked them.  I didn't like it always being the five of them and spending the night....

[baglady]

OP, you said you usually socialize with this couple at your house because they are big drinkers. Does this mean they stay over? (I'm assuming that you live in a place without much public transport -- correct me if I'm wrong.)

It isn't necessarily true that they are going to be "sloshed" by 6 p.m. if they attend a 4 p.m. beer tasting. It's not impossible, but it is difficult to get seriously drunk at a tasting -- the samples are small and the etiquette of a tasting means you drink them slowly and take your time enjoying the flavor.

Now if the tasting is going to last an hour and they're going to start knocking back full-size beers in the hour between the time it ends and your original arrival time, then there's a chance they will be some degree of impaired by 6. That may be why they wanted to change the time -- they heard about the 4 p.m. tasting and wanted to participate, but didn't want the temptation of having an hour to themselves to drink afterward, waiting for their dinner companions. Or maybe they just didn't want to turn this planned two-hour evening into a three-hour one.

What's your past experience with their drinking when you go out? I loooove my beer, but I am very conscientious about not overindulging if I have to drive. If the party is at my house or Bagman's or we're camping, I allow myself more, since driving isn't an issue. (Again, I assume that your situation involves driving.)

Since they did give you an out -- they accepted your inability to make it by 5 but were willing to wait until 6 -- I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they aren't going to drink themselves stupid before you arrive. If it turns out they have ... you can chalk that up to experience and not accept similar invitations from them again.

[Zizi-K]

So what happened? This was yesterday, right? What did you decide to do?

[LifeOnPluto]

Re: beer tastings - once you've tasted the samples, many places do encourage you to buy full pints of the ones you enjoyed. So if Matt and Kate enjoyed all of them I can easily imagine them getting wasted!

OP, I don't blame you for pulling out. Yes, technically it may have been rude. But it was rudeness in order to avoid Matt and Kate's rudeness (ie getting extremely drunk and being uninterested in dinner).*

*I'm assuming that your assumptions are correct, and there is a very high probability of Matt and Kate getting extremely drunk.

[Roe]

Re: beer tastings - once you've tasted the samples, many places do encourage you to buy full pints of the ones you enjoyed. So if Matt and Kate enjoyed all of them I can easily imagine them getting wasted!

OP, I don't blame you for pulling out. Yes, technically it may have been rude. But it was rudeness in order to avoid Matt and Kate's rudeness (ie getting extremely drunk and being uninterested in dinner).*

*I'm assuming that your assumptions are correct, and there is a very high probability of Matt and Kate getting extremely drunk.

We don't know that they did get stinking drunk.  Yes, OP assumes they will.  But then why plan to meet them for dinner? Why not plan a breakfast with them instead if their drinking bothers the OP so much?

You know, it was by chance that OP even knew about the beer tasting as they figured an earlier time frame might work better.   The couple could've easily done the beer tasting before the dinner w/o OP ever knowing. 

[GSNW]

In the past, dinners out have gone well.  We meet at the place and leave when the meal is done.  We have a nice time and decline further invitations to head on to a bar or pub. 

We socialize at our house because I can control how much alcohol is available.  And the dinners go well. 

We've also done some outdoorsy stuff with them, activities that really don't involve booze, and this goes well.

I can accept that the plans were canceled based on something I assumed, but given their history, I can square myself with that.  We arranged for the to have dinner at ours this weekend.

And to answer another question, Matt got a DUI three years ago.  People are probably wondering why in the heck we hang out with them at all.  I have some sympathy for Matt, who had a very difficult time after discovering that his wife was having multiple affairs (this was when he got the DUI).  It's not an excuse to drive drunk and I'm pleased he didn't hurt anyone innocent in the process.

We were relieved when he met Kate, and he settled into a relationship with her after a revolving cast of (kind of horrible) women.  He really is a good person, and fun to be around, and so is Kate.  Just not when they're overly drinky.  I have no patience for it. 

[gellchom]

I can understand why you wanted out of the date.  But I have to agree with the others.  They didn't change the plans on you.  They asked if you'd like to meet earlier, you said no, and they said okay.  And you did know their habits before making a date at a place that serves alcohol.  Finding out what others plan to do before our dates with them isn't an excuse for canceling.  Nor does being right about their habits (and I think that you are) entitle you to pass judgment on them or try to school them.

So if you really can't stand it, you are going to have to lie: make up a believable excuse that does not refer to their drinking.  And do it as soon as possible so as not to add last-minute canceling to your etiquette "sins."

In other words, no, cancelling under these circumstances isn't sanctioned by etiquette.  But it's understandable and a relatively small lapse.  Just handle it as promptly and politely as you can.

[RebeccainGA]

I think Matt and Kate did change plans.  6:00 was the set time and the OP planned accordingly.  Matt then asked to move it up an hour earlier.   Meeting at 5:00 was not what the OP originally agreed to, even if everything else is the same.


Also, I get the feeling if the OP had known they'd be drinking from 4:01 onwards, she wouldn't have agreed to go to dinner with them that night. And I think that omitting that portion of the plans, given their habit of drinking to excess, was inconsiderate on their parts. Having dinner with sober friends, buzzed friends, and fall-out-of-your-chair drunk friends are three different beasts, and the general  assumption is sober. If you know that you're not going to be sober, it's a polite thing to mention that.

Honestly, I would reschedule. It doesn't make sense to go have dinner with people you know won't be good company (and I trust the OP knows this couple well enough to say if they will or not) at a time that screws up all your other plans. But then, OP, I think you should make sure to ask if they're planning to get drunk off their faces beforehand or not in the future. (in a better way, of course!)

POD

whilst you may be cancelling they changed the whole scope of the plans and turned a nice evenings dinner into what'd likely end up being you & DH making sure they get home ok.  those evenings suck! been there, done that!

PODding here, too - the plans changed from "meet at 6, pleasant dinner with friends" to "meet at 5 which isn't possible, or at 6, with friends that are out of sorts because you're later than they wanted". The drinking is a factor (for me) as to if I'm rescheduling or just cancelling out of hand, but when the time changed, that was the breaking of the date, so to speak.

[gmatoy]

PODding here, too - the plans changed from "meet at 6, pleasant dinner with friends" to "meet at 5 which isn't possible, or at 6, with friends that are out of sorts because you're later than they wanted". The drinking is a factor (for me) as to if I'm rescheduling or just cancelling out of hand, but when the time changed, that was the breaking of the date, so to speak.

I'm going to agree with the bolded.

OP, glad you were able to make other arrangements.

[hobish]

Personally, i would want to know if my supposed friends had such a low opinion of me so I wouldn't make the mistake of inviting them to dinner or anything else again.  I do not want friends who feel like I need to be babysat. I'm not being mean - some people aren't meant to be, and it's not neccessarily anyone's fault. That's just life. If you think so lowly of them, perhaps you should rethink hanging out with them at all, or at least be honest with them.

In the past, dinners out have gone well.  We meet at the place and leave when the meal is done.  We have a nice time and decline further invitations to head on to a bar or pub. 

We socialize at our house because I can control how much alcohol is available.  And the dinners go well. 

We've also done some outdoorsy stuff with them, activities that really don't involve booze, and this goes well.

I can accept that the plans were canceled based on something I assumed, but given their history, I can square myself with that.  We arranged for the to have dinner at ours this weekend.

And to answer another question, Matt got a DUI three years ago.  People are probably wondering why in the heck we hang out with them at all.  I have some sympathy for Matt, who had a very difficult time after discovering that his wife was having multiple affairs (this was when he got the DUI).  It's not an excuse to drive drunk and I'm pleased he didn't hurt anyone innocent in the process.

We were relieved when he met Kate, and he settled into a relationship with her after a revolving cast of (kind of horrible) women.  He really is a good person, and fun to be around, and so is Kate.  Just not when they're overly drinky.  I have no patience for it. 

[fountainof]

It does sound like in the past these friends did expect to be babysat.  It is one thing to drink heavily and have your ride handled, etc. but in the past you required companions to get you a cab or drive you home I can see the OP's point.

[shhh its me]

In the past, dinners out have gone well.  We meet at the place and leave when the meal is done.  We have a nice time and decline further invitations to head on to a bar or pub. 

We socialize at our house because I can control how much alcohol is available.  And the dinners go well. 

We've also done some outdoorsy stuff with them, activities that really don't involve booze, and this goes well.

I can accept that the plans were canceled based on something I assumed, but given their history, I can square myself with that.  We arranged for the to have dinner at ours this weekend.

And to answer another question, Matt got a DUI three years ago.  People are probably wondering why in the heck we hang out with them at all.  I have some sympathy for Matt, who had a very difficult time after discovering that his wife was having multiple affairs (this was when he got the DUI).  It's not an excuse to drive drunk and I'm pleased he didn't hurt anyone innocent in the process.

We were relieved when he met Kate, and he settled into a relationship with her after a revolving cast of (kind of horrible) women.  He really is a good person, and fun to be around, and so is Kate.  Just not when they're overly drinky.  I have no patience for it.

Then when have they drunk too much?   I'd say if they never have had too much to drink before a dinner before then you really jumped to conclusions.  Having a DUI and asking you to join them for drinks after your plans doesn't scream "they will be drunk when we arrive"

[amylouky]

Kinda have to agree with hobish here.. you're coming off as a little judgy here. I think you need to accept the fact that Matt and Kate drink (which, other than the DUI, they have the right to do), and decide what you want your friendship to be. I don't think you get to decide how much they do/do not drink, and if you're going to, then you need to be honest about it. I think that arranging things so that you always socialize at your house so you can control how much they drink.. well.. I'd be pretty put off if I found out a friend of mine was doing that without talking to me about it.

I'm not saying you have to just suck it up and be around them when they're drinking if it turns you off that badly, but I think it would be far better to be honest with them and tell them that being around people when they're intoxicated makes you uncomfortable, and you'd rather keep your get-togethers alcohol free, or at least low consumption.

Personally, i would want to know if my supposed friends had such a low opinion of me so I wouldn't make the mistake of inviting them to dinner or anything else again.  I do not want friends who feel like I need to be babysat. I'm not being mean - some people aren't meant to be, and it's not neccessarily anyone's fault. That's just life. If you think so lowly of them, perhaps you should rethink hanging out with them at all, or at least be honest with them.

In the past, dinners out have gone well.  We meet at the place and leave when the meal is done.  We have a nice time and decline further invitations to head on to a bar or pub. 

We socialize at our house because I can control how much alcohol is available.  And the dinners go well. 

We've also done some outdoorsy stuff with them, activities that really don't involve booze, and this goes well.

I can accept that the plans were canceled based on something I assumed, but given their history, I can square myself with that.  We arranged for the to have dinner at ours this weekend.

And to answer another question, Matt got a DUI three years ago.  People are probably wondering why in the heck we hang out with them at all.  I have some sympathy for Matt, who had a very difficult time after discovering that his wife was having multiple affairs (this was when he got the DUI).  It's not an excuse to drive drunk and I'm pleased he didn't hurt anyone innocent in the process.

We were relieved when he met Kate, and he settled into a relationship with her after a revolving cast of (kind of horrible) women.  He really is a good person, and fun to be around, and so is Kate.  Just not when they're overly drinky.  I have no patience for it. 

[CreteGirl]

If it were me, I would go this time and see how it turns out.  If they were indeed too drunk to be decent dinner companions, that would be the last dinner out with them.  But at this point, they have done nothing wrong, and I think it is rude to cancel plans with them.