"Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"

[Millionaire Maria]

I have a very picky child who has texture/eating issues and I have really been driving home since she was 3 and starting to eat a bit better that she use the "no thank you" lone instead of "ewwww yuk"..still a struggle at home but she is good at it outside.  As far as circumstances, the kindest thing (and I am sure you know this) is to treat this child as a normal child and set the same expectations a child of his age should be acting at.  While it may take awhile, it will only benefit them (and again, I am sure you know this).  Congratulations to your parents and you on the new addition.

[/b]

Thank you! He really is a delightful child and it is exciting for us to have him join the family. My MIL and I have talked about the way that we treat "the kids" when we are all together. We've agreed that none of our philosophies are so contradictory that we can not correct each others children. For the record, mine are two and one and he is six, so most of the responses here have been very helpful. He's a little bit older than the normal expectation for this specific behavior, but given the circumstances, I think that his way of expressing himself is understandable for now. My MIL is working on it BTW, so probably by next visit it won't even be an issue.

[Kiwichick]

Ask your PIL how they want you to handle it.  I imagine if his life has been somewhat traumatic up to now, consistency would be vital.

[Carotte]

You can expect any child to behave his age when he has been brought up to behave - up to his current age. Let's not forget that kids actually have to be taught everything, they come to you as a blank slate. If no one wrote on it that you don't say Yuck (and why), he's gonna say yuck.
It might be one of the many lesson to catch up on when his peers learned about it years ago, but it shouldn't take long.
("lessons" to catch up happen whith every kids, from stable family to not, from neurotypical kids to not, you can't blame a kid for something that no one thought about teaching them for whatever reason.)

I tried to explain to an 8y/o and a 10y/old this summer that you don't 'yuck the yums' of someone, it didn't stick, I guess no one had told them before or will tell them after that..

[Piratelvr1121]

Ask your PIL how they want you to handle it.  I imagine if his life has been somewhat traumatic up to now, consistency would be vital.

I agree about consistency. I would give some leeway for a child who might not have been taught table manners up till this point (though I imagine your PIL's have probably been working with him) because as a pp said he might not have the emotional maturity due to the circumstances which I gather were upsetting. 

Like they say "start as you mean to go forward."    

[Sharnita]

Actually, my undetstanding of "Not my kid, not my problem" was that if it isn't ypur kid you arem't in cjarge of enforcing what tjey eat  or how they vernalize tjeir fispleasure with.certain foods. And because some people do have a hard time ceding that control, they might need to avoid those situations. It see,s like good advice in general. I dom't understamd ,aking tje quedtion vague and tjen getting offended bevause an amswer that applies to the vague feels offensive when applied to the hidden specifics.

I do think it is wise to remember that kids have more taste buds than we do so they might actually taste things that we miss. Also, food can be closely tied with memory so if I was eating X the day a certain event happened, the memory could be so bad that even the smell makes me sick. A child might have difficulty expressing that reaction in socially acceptable language.

[JenJay]

I've taught my kids since age 3 or so to say "I don't care for X". They are absolutely not allowed to say something is disgusting, gross, weird, etc., even to me. I'll serve them a small portion of something new, expect them to take a decent sized bite, and then they can finish or not. In a potluck type situation they will serve themselves whatever they want, they don't have to try everything, but they know to take a reasonable amount and finish whatever they've taken.

I don't think it's rude for a child to politely express a preference for foods. As an adult I wouldn't serve myself something I didn't like. If the dish was the only thing offered I would take a small portion and then say I wasn't very hungry or something. I allow my kids to do that too.

[shhh its me]

 Considering the tragic nature I'd probably treat the child as if they were a bit younger in terms of correction.  So I would ignore the "thats yucky" from a  3 year old and model what I would prefer " Oh you don't like peas. No thank you no peas for (insert child's name) " this is for guest children. For an older child I might normally say " I don't like the phrase thats yucky. It hurts my feelings.  You can say "no thank you" if you don't want something and that wont hurt my feeling."    For children I have permission to correct first I'd make sure parent and I are doing the same correction and then proceed accordingly.

[Tea Drinker]

I'd cut him slack for "I don't like carrots" rather than "no thank you" while he's learning. (Whether it's your job to teach him what he should say is a separate question; it sounds like you and your in-laws have that under control.) Also, within the family, I think either "no, thanks, I don't like carrots" or "no thanks, I'm not hungry" is reasonable. Those are because if I'm hosting someone, it's worth knowing whether I want to offer them something else. A hungry guest should be fed if reasonably possible, which doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to offer to cook, but I can get out some bread and butter, but I don't need to offer you the carrots, the cucumber salad, and some bread and butter if you had pizza just before visiting me and aren't hungry. However, "no thank you" is okay in either case, and I the adult/host can then decide whether I should offer something else.

[snowdragon]

I'd cut him slack for "I don't like carrots" rather than "no thank you" while he's learning. (Whether it's your job to teach him what he should say is a separate question; it sounds like you and your in-laws have that under control.) Also, within the family, I think either "no, thanks, I don't like carrots" or "no thanks, I'm not hungry" is reasonable. Those are because if I'm hosting someone, it's worth knowing whether I want to offer them something else. A hungry guest should be fed if reasonably possible, which doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to offer to cook, but I can get out some bread and butter, but I don't need to offer you the carrots, the cucumber salad, and some bread and butter if you had pizza just before visiting me and aren't hungry. However, "no thank you" is okay in either case, and I the adult/host can then decide whether I should offer something else.

  Considering this is a new addition to the family...they need to hear some of the "I don't likes" so they can get to know his preferences and the things he *really* doesn't like.  Maybe something like "You don't like carrots, that's good to know. If you tell us 'I don't like this' we will remember that better than if you tell us Yucky" or some such.
 

[sweetonsno]

Answer to first question: I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a verbal child of any age to find an alternate phrasing to "It's yucky."

Answer to the second question: Based on the backstory, the child gets a pass for at least a couple of months while s/he gets used to the unfamiliar rules in a new household.

I think that in your situation, the best thing to do is have a talk with the in-laws. Ask them how they want you to handle these situations.

[Millionaire Maria]

Just a heads up guys. FBIL has been my PIL's foster child since he was born. He's been back and forth to his biological mother's home a few times.

[MOM21SON]

My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

[Sharnita]

My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

Not sure how this qualifies as "picky in a good way" as opposed to other pickiness.

[MOM21SON]

My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

Not sure how this qualifies as "picky in a good way" as opposed to other pickiness.

The items are not the healthiest.  never liked them so it was nothing to give up.

[VorFemme]

My nephew was gravely injured at age three (six months in hospital - three of them in a coma).  He was left with a number of issues - both medical and mental.

Before age five, he had grasped that "no, thank you" got him a pass on eating whatever it was a lot faster than "yuck!" - whether at Grandma's house, Aunt VorFemme's house, a fast food place (while traveling), and at day care or school.

If he is going to be your "younger brother", then your parents are probably going to be able to let him know that "at THIS house" or "in your new family" we ask politely for things to be passed, we say "no thank you" to things that we don't want, and we are polite - because if we don't, Mom and Dad are not happy.  If Mom and Dad are not happy - then YOU will not be happy for long.

Or as one younger brother found out, if HE didn't like the meal, then he was invited to fix the next one.  Or at least make his own meal since Mom was going to be spending the evening grading papers, as it was a school night.  He can still cook....but that might also be why his son learned good manners quickly - Dad knew Grandma & Grandpa wouldn't let the kid starve - but he wasn't going to get away with bad manners at the dinner table, either.