Author Topic: Gone 6  (Read 5670 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2013, 07:46:13 AM »
Ask your PIL how they want you to handle it.  I imagine if his life has been somewhat traumatic up to now, consistency would be vital.

I agree about consistency. I would give some leeway for a child who might not have been taught table manners up till this point (though I imagine your PIL's have probably been working with him) because as a pp said he might not have the emotional maturity due to the circumstances which I gather were upsetting. 

Like they say "start as you mean to go forward." :)   
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Sharnita

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2013, 08:09:49 AM »
Actually, my undetstanding of "Not my kid, not my problem" was that if it isn't ypur kid you arem't in cjarge of enforcing what tjey eat  or how they vernalize tjeir fispleasure with.certain foods. And because some people do have a hard time ceding that control, they might need to avoid those situations. It see,s like good advice in general. I dom't understamd ,aking tje quedtion vague and tjen getting offended bevause an amswer that applies to the vague feels offensive when applied to the hidden specifics.

I do think it is wise to remember that kids have more taste buds than we do so they might actually taste things that we miss. Also, food can be closely tied with memory so if I was eating X the day a certain event happened, the memory could be so bad that even the smell makes me sick. A child might have difficulty expressing that reaction in socially acceptable language.

JenJay

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2013, 09:34:57 AM »
I've taught my kids since age 3 or so to say "I don't care for X". They are absolutely not allowed to say something is disgusting, gross, weird, etc., even to me. I'll serve them a small portion of something new, expect them to take a decent sized bite, and then they can finish or not. In a potluck type situation they will serve themselves whatever they want, they don't have to try everything, but they know to take a reasonable amount and finish whatever they've taken.

I don't think it's rude for a child to politely express a preference for foods. As an adult I wouldn't serve myself something I didn't like. If the dish was the only thing offered I would take a small portion and then say I wasn't very hungry or something. I allow my kids to do that too.

shhh its me

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2013, 12:12:34 PM »
 Considering the tragic nature I'd probably treat the child as if they were a bit younger in terms of correction.  So I would ignore the "thats yucky" from a  3 year old and model what I would prefer " Oh you don't like peas. No thank you no peas for (insert child's name) " this is for guest children. For an older child I might normally say " I don't like the phrase thats yucky. It hurts my feelings.  You can say "no thank you" if you don't want something and that wont hurt my feeling."    For children I have permission to correct first I'd make sure parent and I are doing the same correction and then proceed accordingly.

Tea Drinker

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2013, 01:14:16 PM »
I'd cut him slack for "I don't like carrots" rather than "no thank you" while he's learning. (Whether it's your job to teach him what he should say is a separate question; it sounds like you and your in-laws have that under control.) Also, within the family, I think either "no, thanks, I don't like carrots" or "no thanks, I'm not hungry" is reasonable. Those are because if I'm hosting someone, it's worth knowing whether I want to offer them something else. A hungry guest should be fed if reasonably possible, which doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to offer to cook, but I can get out some bread and butter, but I don't need to offer you the carrots, the cucumber salad, and some bread and butter if you had pizza just before visiting me and aren't hungry. However, "no thank you" is okay in either case, and I the adult/host can then decide whether I should offer something else.
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snowdragon

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2013, 03:50:57 PM »
I'd cut him slack for "I don't like carrots" rather than "no thank you" while he's learning. (Whether it's your job to teach him what he should say is a separate question; it sounds like you and your in-laws have that under control.) Also, within the family, I think either "no, thanks, I don't like carrots" or "no thanks, I'm not hungry" is reasonable. Those are because if I'm hosting someone, it's worth knowing whether I want to offer them something else. A hungry guest should be fed if reasonably possible, which doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to offer to cook, but I can get out some bread and butter, but I don't need to offer you the carrots, the cucumber salad, and some bread and butter if you had pizza just before visiting me and aren't hungry. However, "no thank you" is okay in either case, and I the adult/host can then decide whether I should offer something else.

  Considering this is a new addition to the family...they need to hear some of the "I don't likes" so they can get to know his preferences and the things he *really* doesn't like.  Maybe something like "You don't like carrots, that's good to know. If you tell us 'I don't like this' we will remember that better than if you tell us Yucky" or some such.
 

sweetonsno

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #21 on: August 18, 2013, 04:39:34 PM »
Answer to first question: I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a verbal child of any age to find an alternate phrasing to "It's yucky."

Answer to the second question: Based on the backstory, the child gets a pass for at least a couple of months while s/he gets used to the unfamiliar rules in a new household.

I think that in your situation, the best thing to do is have a talk with the in-laws. Ask them how they want you to handle these situations.

MOM21SON

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2013, 07:01:47 PM »
My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

Sharnita

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2013, 07:05:43 PM »
My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

Not sure how this qualifies as "picky in a good way" as opposed to other pickiness.

MOM21SON

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2013, 07:15:50 PM »
My son, was and still is very picky.  Now that he is a teen he is picky in a good way, no creamed sauces, no cheese, no eggs, no dips, no casserole type foods.

I would say by the age of 3 he learned to say no thank you.  BUT, he also knew it was rude to ask for something else or say YUCK.  He would always find at least one thing he liked and he also knew only to take a serving of that until he was offered more.  He still does that to this day.

Not sure how this qualifies as "picky in a good way" as opposed to other pickiness.

The items are not the healthiest.  never liked them so it was nothing to give up.

VorFemme

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2013, 07:39:40 PM »
My nephew was gravely injured at age three (six months in hospital - three of them in a coma).  He was left with a number of issues - both medical and mental.

Before age five, he had grasped that "no, thank you" got him a pass on eating whatever it was a lot faster than "yuck!" - whether at Grandma's house, Aunt VorFemme's house, a fast food place (while traveling), and at day care or school.

If he is going to be your "younger brother", then your parents are probably going to be able to let him know that "at THIS house" or "in your new family" we ask politely for things to be passed, we say "no thank you" to things that we don't want, and we are polite - because if we don't, Mom and Dad are not happy.  If Mom and Dad are not happy - then YOU will not be happy for long.

Or as one younger brother found out, if HE didn't like the meal, then he was invited to fix the next one.  Or at least make his own meal since Mom was going to be spending the evening grading papers, as it was a school night.  He can still cook....but that might also be why his son learned good manners quickly - Dad knew Grandma & Grandpa wouldn't let the kid starve - but he wasn't going to get away with bad manners at the dinner table, either.
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MommyPenguin

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2013, 08:10:26 PM »
For my kids, I don't mind them telling me, when I'm not serving something to them, what they like and don't like.  We've talked to them about not asking what's for dinner and then saying, "Oh, I don't like that," but it's okay to generally say they don't like whatever, or to, when given a choice between two things, to tell me that they don't like one. 

But that's at home.  When we are invited to somebody's house, I remind them that we're on "company manners."  That means that, unlike at home, they don't have to try *anything* if they don't want to (at home they must try a "no, thank you" bite of each thing).  In return, though, they are not to say yuck or that they don't like something.  They are to say, "No, thank you, it's not to my taste." 

The 4-year-old and 6-year-old grasp this and have for a good while.  The 2-year-old basically understands it but could be expected to make a mistake.  I think 3 is a reasonable age to grasp this.  However, the parent needs to explain it, it's not something they figure out on their own.

Since you said this is a close relative, I think it's acceptable to say, if the child says "yuck!" or "I don't like that," something along the lines of, "Billy, it's okay not to like green beans.  But I took a long time to try to make them special for everybody, and it hurts my feelings when you say you don't like them.  Would you just say, "No, thank you," or "they're not to my taste," (or whatever you'd prefer) next time?  If you just say "no, thank you," I won't serve you any and you won't have to eat them, but I also won't get my feelings hurt."  Maybe?  Or a shorter version of the same?

artk2002

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2013, 08:43:24 PM »
At least as a host, I don't buy "Not my kid, not my problem." I feel free to correct a child who is rude to me. If their parents don't like it, then they can teach the child to be polite. "Yuck" is rude. "No thank you" is polite. I'd much prefer an honest "I don't care for this," so that I didn't serve the child something that they didn't like. That goes for any guest.
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baglady

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2013, 08:59:15 PM »
Tragic circumstances or not, if a child is old enough to talk and be understood by others -- age 3 or so -- s/he can be taught to say "No, thank you" instead of "Yuck!"

If an adult pushes a food on a child who has offered a polite "No, thank you" or "I don't care for ___," and gets a "Yuck" or a "Noo! I don't like __; it's yucky!" in response, it's the adult who is rude.
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blarg314

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2013, 09:18:49 PM »
In general, I would expect a child to start *learning* this from a young age - from the point where they're able to articulate the expression, and are no longer reflexively spitting out food they dislike onto the person feeding them.

I would expect it to take a while before they master it, though. Polite lying is a skill that takes some time to grasp and to get right. Gracefully turning down food you think is gross when you're visiting someone's house and your host (the person who made it) is offering it to you takes some tact and experience.

As an aside - strictly speaking, telling your host "I don't like that" is not the polite way to turn down food you're offered as a guest.  Some kids, though, will be taught to state their dislike directly, and the difference between "Yuck", "I don't like that"  and "I don't care for that" is a difference in language, not logic (they mean basically the same thing). So fine tuning how to express dislike can be confusing. Other kids will be taught simply to say "No thank-you" and other kids will be taught to eat what they're served and not complain.

If you have hosts in the last camp, and guests in the first, an "I don't like that" will be seen as bad manners by the hosts, and perfectly polite by the guests.

For little kids, I would go more by how the parents react than the kids. If a kid says Yuck and the parents say "Oh, don't worry sweetie. You don't have to eat the nasty food - we'll have McDonald's on the way home" then none of them are getting invited back. If the kids says yuck and the parents correct them, that's a different matter.

For the case in the OP - I would give a fair bit of leeway. It's not fair to expect a child that age who hasn't been taught a behaviour to grasp it instinctively or learn it immediately. It's also common for children to temporarily regress under stress to an earlier stage of development.