Author Topic: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"  (Read 5415 times)

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MommyPenguin

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2013, 08:10:26 PM »
For my kids, I don't mind them telling me, when I'm not serving something to them, what they like and don't like.  We've talked to them about not asking what's for dinner and then saying, "Oh, I don't like that," but it's okay to generally say they don't like whatever, or to, when given a choice between two things, to tell me that they don't like one. 

But that's at home.  When we are invited to somebody's house, I remind them that we're on "company manners."  That means that, unlike at home, they don't have to try *anything* if they don't want to (at home they must try a "no, thank you" bite of each thing).  In return, though, they are not to say yuck or that they don't like something.  They are to say, "No, thank you, it's not to my taste." 

The 4-year-old and 6-year-old grasp this and have for a good while.  The 2-year-old basically understands it but could be expected to make a mistake.  I think 3 is a reasonable age to grasp this.  However, the parent needs to explain it, it's not something they figure out on their own.

Since you said this is a close relative, I think it's acceptable to say, if the child says "yuck!" or "I don't like that," something along the lines of, "Billy, it's okay not to like green beans.  But I took a long time to try to make them special for everybody, and it hurts my feelings when you say you don't like them.  Would you just say, "No, thank you," or "they're not to my taste," (or whatever you'd prefer) next time?  If you just say "no, thank you," I won't serve you any and you won't have to eat them, but I also won't get my feelings hurt."  Maybe?  Or a shorter version of the same?

artk2002

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2013, 08:43:24 PM »
At least as a host, I don't buy "Not my kid, not my problem." I feel free to correct a child who is rude to me. If their parents don't like it, then they can teach the child to be polite. "Yuck" is rude. "No thank you" is polite. I'd much prefer an honest "I don't care for this," so that I didn't serve the child something that they didn't like. That goes for any guest.
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baglady

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2013, 08:59:15 PM »
Tragic circumstances or not, if a child is old enough to talk and be understood by others -- age 3 or so -- s/he can be taught to say "No, thank you" instead of "Yuck!"

If an adult pushes a food on a child who has offered a polite "No, thank you" or "I don't care for ___," and gets a "Yuck" or a "Noo! I don't like __; it's yucky!" in response, it's the adult who is rude.
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blarg314

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #33 on: August 18, 2013, 09:18:49 PM »
In general, I would expect a child to start *learning* this from a young age - from the point where they're able to articulate the expression, and are no longer reflexively spitting out food they dislike onto the person feeding them.

I would expect it to take a while before they master it, though. Polite lying is a skill that takes some time to grasp and to get right. Gracefully turning down food you think is gross when you're visiting someone's house and your host (the person who made it) is offering it to you takes some tact and experience.

As an aside - strictly speaking, telling your host "I don't like that" is not the polite way to turn down food you're offered as a guest.  Some kids, though, will be taught to state their dislike directly, and the difference between "Yuck", "I don't like that"  and "I don't care for that" is a difference in language, not logic (they mean basically the same thing). So fine tuning how to express dislike can be confusing. Other kids will be taught simply to say "No thank-you" and other kids will be taught to eat what they're served and not complain.

If you have hosts in the last camp, and guests in the first, an "I don't like that" will be seen as bad manners by the hosts, and perfectly polite by the guests.

For little kids, I would go more by how the parents react than the kids. If a kid says Yuck and the parents say "Oh, don't worry sweetie. You don't have to eat the nasty food - we'll have McDonald's on the way home" then none of them are getting invited back. If the kids says yuck and the parents correct them, that's a different matter.

For the case in the OP - I would give a fair bit of leeway. It's not fair to expect a child that age who hasn't been taught a behaviour to grasp it instinctively or learn it immediately. It's also common for children to temporarily regress under stress to an earlier stage of development.

White Lotus

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #34 on: August 18, 2013, 09:28:37 PM »
I believe in "my house, my rules" when it comes to manners and children.  Also "my children, my rules" when others would let them slack off away from home.

"In this house, we say, 'not for me, thanks,' when we don't want something.  You didn't know that so you get a pass.  This time.  Now, would you like some carrots?  (Prompt for correct response) No, thank you.  None for me.  Great.  Good job.   Would you like some radishes instead?"

Don't over complicate or get into feelings, IME.  Just let the child know the rules.  Children like having clearly defined rules, consistently enforced.  I normally do not specify consequences first time out because I have found the little dears have sufficient imaginations to come up with all sorts of dreadful things Mama/Aunt Lotus/Dr. Lotus might come up with rather than the more prosaic time out or mandatory chore that might actually happen.  I do sometimes mentioned totally outlandish things I might do in passing, at other times.  So they are never quite sure I might not hang them upside down in the trees like bats for the night, and I rarely have to go there.

Congrats on the new member of your family.  He will come round just fine with a little directness and consistency.  What a good thing for your family to do!

SlitherHiss

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2013, 01:43:33 PM »
I believe in "my house, my rules" when it comes to manners and children.  Also "my children, my rules" when others would let them slack off away from home.

"In this house, we say, 'not for me, thanks,' when we don't want something.  You didn't know that so you get a pass.  This time.  Now, would you like some carrots?  (Prompt for correct response) No, thank you.  None for me.  Great.  Good job.   Would you like some radishes instead?"

Don't over complicate or get into feelings, IME.  Just let the child know the rules.  Children like having clearly defined rules, consistently enforced.  I normally do not specify consequences first time out because I have found the little dears have sufficient imaginations to come up with all sorts of dreadful things Mama/Aunt Lotus/Dr. Lotus might come up with rather than the more prosaic time out or mandatory chore that might actually happen.  I do sometimes mentioned totally outlandish things I might do in passing, at other times.  So they are never quite sure I might not hang them upside down in the trees like bats for the night, and I rarely have to go there.

Congrats on the new member of your family.  He will come round just fine with a little directness and consistency.  What a good thing for your family to do!

This is how we handle things in my home. Way I figure, no kid (relative or friend) comes into my house already knowing all the ground rules, and it would be silly of DH and me to expect them to. However, it's not silly for us to expect them to learn the ground rules. So, if they don't use the polite language or practices we're teaching our kids, we gently correct them and move on.

cwm

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #36 on: August 19, 2013, 03:55:49 PM »
Personally speaking, I don't think it's terribly rude for a small child to say "I don't like X," depending on tone.

Example, if I'm serving green beans and a kid said, "No thanks, I don't like them," I would consider that to be perfectly acceptable. If they just said they were yucky, it would be different, but I don't see how it's rude for a child to express his/her desires when offered something.

Side note:
My cousin's quintuplets were only allowed to use the word yucky for things that were physically dirty (like diapers or mud or the like), not for food. They were frequently having to take medicine via syringe for various allergies/ailments. And frequently the medicine would end up on necks, faces, clothes, etc. It also smelled disgusting, and I can't imagine it tasted much better.

R took one sip of the medicine, had a look of pure disgust on her face. Then she saw it all over her brothers' shirts and said, "It's YUCKYEEEEEE!!!!!" while shaking her head back and forth. It was quite hilarious.

BeagleMommy

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2013, 04:19:18 PM »
Dandy Andy, I don't know if your FBIL is at the same maturity level of most six-year-olds (I couldn't tell from your post), but my aunt and our family used the following with my godson who has Asperberger's.

"When someone wants to give you food you don't like just say no thank you.  If you tell them the food is yucky it will hurt their feelings."

It worked pretty well, although there will probably have to be many reminders.

gellchom

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Re: "Yucky" or "I Don't Care For This"
« Reply #38 on: August 20, 2013, 04:29:27 PM »
We used the same rule that my parents used with my brother and me -- the Yuck rule:

1) You don't have to eat anything you don't want to eat.  Not even one bite, not even a taste of a new food.

2) UNLESS: if you say "yuck" or make any other disparaging comment, noise, or grimace about anything that anything that is being served, you have to eat it.  A LARGE portion of it.  No appeal, because you got yourself into it and have no one to blame but yourself.

Believe me, no child violates that more than one time; some zero times, because seeing your sibling going through it is enough!

The point was to teach us that it is extremely rude to disparage what others are eating.  And it worked, on both generations.  I expect my kidz will use it, too, when they are parents.

But of course you can't teach only by negative reinforcement of violation.  So long before our kids were old enough to understand any kind of rule, or even barely old enough to talk, like, I don't remember, probably by age 2, we just hard-wired it into them:
"Thusnelda, would you like some peas?  'Yes, please,' or 'No, thank you'?"   (We didn't teach them "I don't care for that," because that is beside the point, too.)  The point is to make it second nature.  To them, it might as well have been all one word in either case: yesplease or nothankyou.  They just naturally learned to answer that way without any explanation of why, the same as you teach "say please" long before the child is old enough to understand what manners are.  Come to think of it, maybe this is why "I'm good" instead of "no, thank you" or at least "I'm good, thanks" sounds so rude to me. 

As for correcting other people's children, I think you have to know which relationships allow for that and which don't, even in your own home.  I am usually inclined to do it, but I try to be sensitive about the way I do it.  (Obviously I don't enforce the dreaded Yuck rule against children who aren't on notice of it!)