Author Topic: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45  (Read 11117 times)

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Yarnspinner

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge Like, Profligate or Am I Justified?
« Reply #45 on: August 22, 2013, 03:41:19 PM »
OP here.  Agree with everyone who suggests assertiveness training...this was a problem when my mother was alive as well; I didn't want her to be upset, so I would change my plans for her all the time.  It has been the same with both my brother's ex and current wife.  I'm the single child so I am the one who must accomodate everyone. 

It's taken me a couple days to get back because I am back home without a computer and am writing this from work on a break. 

A few things both irritating and amusing:

-They returned with tokens for relatives and friends, including my father....but nothing for me.  My niece realized there was a possible faux pas and said to me "Oh, I have something for you, Aunt Lily, but it's in my suitcase in the car."  Nothing more was said of it.  I really wasn't expecting anything at all, but it did sting a bit.

-My father refurbished all the money I spent so I was a little easier about finances.

-My brother asked how I was getting to the airport and I said "Well, I thought you or SIL would be taking me"  "Better ask her.  I can't"  He did thank me before he left for work.

-SIL wasn't excited, but she had me accompany her to her business (where we actually had a fun time together) then bought me lunch because (she said) "It's the least I can do."  And thanked me (FINALLY!) for all I had done. 

The Funny Karma Part: 

Last night I got a phone call from SIL who wanted me to know that Dad and my brother were at the ER awaiting treatment for a physical problem Dad was having.  SIL (and my brother later) grumps "He KNEW about this problem last week when YOU were here and could have taken him and not made a mess of our plans.  Instead he waited until AFTER you were gone and we had to scramble to make arrangements."

I made all the sympathy noises (and I gave Dad heck because, really, the problem could have been taken care of in two minutes after consultation with HIS doctor)  However, the whole time I was grinning, thinking "Gee, how does it feel when you try to make accomodations for someone and they mess up the accomodations YOU made, honey?"  But I just couldn't do it.

And, on the plus side, one of my niece's pets, was assumed to be dead because it had not made an appearance in a few days.  I researched the creature in question and discovered (in less than five minutes) that it wasn't dead, it was MOLTING and took care of it accordingly.  The pet is finally out of molt, has selected a new shell (okay, it's a hermit crab) and is doing better than better because Aunt Lily didn't give up on it.  Aunt Lily also pointed out to niece that "there is this great thing called the internet where you can look up stuff like this, you know???"  So on that score, anyway, I am a hero. 

Breaking my arm to pat myself on the back.

And when Dad comes to visit again, I won't be buying his scratch cards until AFTER I have cash in hand.....^_^

Thanks for all your exccellent advice.

ladyknight1

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #46 on: August 22, 2013, 03:59:42 PM »
Congrats for making baby steps in the assertiveness direction!

I'm all for making efforts for family, but this is complete nonsense.

Roe

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #47 on: August 22, 2013, 04:59:55 PM »
Glad you are working towards becoming more assertive. That's a start.

As to why your family didn't make vacation arrangements while your dad was with you for 6 wks?  Well, why would they when they know that you'll end up doing what they want anyway. There's no need for them to plan ahead when they are comfortable in the knowledge that you will rearrange your schedule to suit their needs.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #48 on: August 23, 2013, 02:16:37 AM »
Yay for saving the hermit crab! ;D They're weird little things but very cute.

Polish that spine! You are an awesome person and deserve to NOT be taken advantage of. Book your next vacation ahead of time - make plans, don't tell your family ANYTHING about them, but see if you can do it at a time of year you normally wouldn't (earlier is good, so by the time they get around to asking you to use your vacation time to housesit for them, too bad, so sad, it's already gone!) and make plans WITH someone. Visit a friend, or make a booking somewhere so that you would be disappointing someone you like or sacrificing a down payment if you gave in and went to your brother's place. I think you'd be far less likely to inconvenience someone else for brother and SIL's sake than you would be to inconvenience yourself, so it would act as a nice spine reinforcement. ;)
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Miss March

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #49 on: August 23, 2013, 04:16:05 AM »
Quote
They returned with tokens for relatives and friends, including my father....but nothing for me.  My niece realized there was a possible faux pas and said to me "Oh, I have something for you, Aunt Lily, but it's in my suitcase in the car."  Nothing more was said of it.  I really wasn't expecting anything at all, but it did sting a bit.

This broke my heart a little. You didn't ask for any, but (((hugs))).
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good bye so hard.-- Winnie the Poo

wolfie

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #50 on: August 23, 2013, 09:46:22 AM »
Quote
They returned with tokens for relatives and friends, including my father....but nothing for me.  My niece realized there was a possible faux pas and said to me "Oh, I have something for you, Aunt Lily, but it's in my suitcase in the car."  Nothing more was said of it.  I really wasn't expecting anything at all, but it did sting a bit.

This broke my heart a little. You didn't ask for any, but (((hugs))).

It is very sad and telling about how they really think of the OP.

I think the previous poster's idea about doing a vacation early with someone is a good idea. I know that I have a harder time backing down if I have to disappoint someone else to do so, and when you are just starting to strengthen your spine having some supports is a good thing!

Yarnspinner

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #51 on: August 23, 2013, 09:49:36 AM »
Quote
They returned with tokens for relatives and friends, including my father....but nothing for me.  My niece realized there was a possible faux pas and said to me "Oh, I have something for you, Aunt Lily, but it's in my suitcase in the car."  Nothing more was said of it.  I really wasn't expecting anything at all, but it did sting a bit.

This broke my heart a little. You didn't ask for any, but (((hugs))).

I want to be scrupulously fair here:  at Christmas they drop a lot of goodies on me that often surprise me in their thoughtfulness...they've given me amazon gift cards, my favorite perfume and enough cat themed items to take me through to the year 2400.  So they DO think of me and my tastes, but definitely not this time......

White Lotus

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #52 on: August 23, 2013, 08:54:48 PM »
Don't make excuses for them.  They are taking advantage of you and you must start saying NO!

You are not, as I said elsewhere, Cinderella.  You are Queen Ella, and you are in charge of your domain.

bopper

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Re: Money Woes: Am I Being Scrooge? Sort of Update @ 45
« Reply #53 on: August 26, 2013, 12:34:02 PM »


I want to be scrupulously fair here:  at Christmas they drop a lot of goodies on me that often surprise me in their thoughtfulness...they've given me amazon gift cards, my favorite perfume and enough cat themed items to take me through to the year 2400.  So they DO think of me and my tastes, but definitely not this time......

I think you have to put things to a reasonableness test.  Is it reasonable for you to help out with your dad? of course!  Is it reasonable for you to buy your Dad lottery tickets when you have a limited income? No.  Is it reasonable for you to spend all your vacation time to take care of your dad? no.  Is it reasonable for you to pay for everything when you are taking care of your dad at his house? no   Is it reasonable for you SIL to pay for your food, etc when you are watching her pets? yes.