Author Topic: was I rude to refuse?  (Read 8273 times)

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bah12

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #30 on: March 20, 2014, 06:52:50 PM »
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think that the Aunts in question are in the wrong and you were not rude.  However,  I don't think it matters that they are married in or how long they've been married in.  I can appreciate that you may not have a familial relationship with them, but blood or in-law, they are part of your family and entitled to act like they are a part of your family....now, their actions were rude and unreasonable, but I don't think it would have been better had they been blood Aunts.

ladyknight1

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #31 on: March 20, 2014, 07:43:04 PM »
I have also experienced the new to the family attempt at a takeover. I am sorry for your loss and greatly admire your grace under pressure.

rose red

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #32 on: March 20, 2014, 07:51:18 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad it worked out and nobody allowed the aunts to push anyone around. 

But I'm confused.  You say these aunts are 4 or 5 years older than you, but then you said your mother is in their generation.  Did I read that wrong?  Are they your age or your mother's age?  Not that it matters to the real issue, but I'm a bit OCD and like to keep things in order in my head :-[.

rosiegirl

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #33 on: March 20, 2014, 07:56:33 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad it worked out and nobody allowed the aunts to push anyone around. 

But I'm confused.  You say these aunts are 4 or 5 years older than you, but then you said your mother is in their generation.  Did I read that wrong?  Are they your age or your mother's age?  Not that it matters to the real issue, but I'm a bit OCD and like to keep things in order in my head :-[.

What I think she meant was these aunts are about the same age as the OP is, but as far as family level they are on the same generational level as her mom since they are married to her mom's brothers.  So they'd be Nanna's daughter in laws.

StarDrifter

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #34 on: March 20, 2014, 10:51:45 PM »
Rosiegirl has it right - these 'Aunts' married my Dad's brothers and step-brothers, and most of them are second or third wives (Dad is the only brother among them who has not divorced and remarried).
In fact, one Aunt is only 6 years older than one of her stepsons. So there's some... confusion... at various events. Especially when my Husband is older than women I am (under sufferance, at the request of my Uncles) referring to as 'Aunt So-and-So'.

To make things more confusing again! Uncle A married Aunt A when he was in his 20s and had 3 kids - Kid #1,#2 & #3.
Divorced. Married Aunt B. Had 2 more kids (#4 & #5). Divorced again.
Before he married Aunt C, Kid #1 had his own children (Grandkids #1 & #2).
Uncle married Aunt C, and has since had Kids #6 & #7, who are the Aunt and Uncle of Grandkids #1 & #2, even though Grandkids #1 & #2 are older than 'Aunt and Uncle - Kids #6&#7!
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

PastryGoddess

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #35 on: March 21, 2014, 12:15:30 AM »
Rosiegirl has it right - these 'Aunts' married my Dad's brothers and step-brothers, and most of them are second or third wives (Dad is the only brother among them who has not divorced and remarried).
In fact, one Aunt is only 6 years older than one of her stepsons. So there's some... confusion... at various events. Especially when my Husband is older than women I am (under sufferance, at the request of my Uncles) referring to as 'Aunt So-and-So'.

To make things more confusing again! Uncle A married Aunt A when he was in his 20s and had 3 kids - Kid #1,#2 & #3.
Divorced. Married Aunt B. Had 2 more kids (#4 & #5). Divorced again.
Before he married Aunt C, Kid #1 had his own children (Grandkids #1 & #2).
Uncle married Aunt C, and has since had Kids #6 & #7, who are the Aunt and Uncle of Grandkids #1 & #2, even though Grandkids #1 & #2 are older than 'Aunt and Uncle - Kids #6&#7!


Are we related?

figee

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2014, 01:34:20 AM »
Disrespectful for laughing at the wake? You definitely aren't related to me!  At my grandfather's wake, my male cousins and brother walked into the kitchen and each grabbed a bottle of grandie's beer. Because they were never allowed to drink it while he was alive, except after some begging, they all toasted him with it after his funeral.  I suspect he was chuckling while cracking a cold one from wherever he is.  I cannot imagine a funeral without colour or laughter from memories and love.

I'm glad things have worked out!

bloo

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2014, 04:47:02 AM »
Rosiegirl has it right - these 'Aunts' married my Dad's brothers and step-brothers, and most of them are second or third wives (Dad is the only brother among them who has not divorced and remarried).
In fact, one Aunt is only 6 years older than one of her stepsons. So there's some... confusion... at various events. Especially when my Husband is older than women I am (under sufferance, at the request of my Uncles) referring to as 'Aunt So-and-So'.

To make things more confusing again! Uncle A married Aunt A when he was in his 20s and had 3 kids - Kid #1,#2 & #3.
Divorced. Married Aunt B. Had 2 more kids (#4 & #5). Divorced again.
Before he married Aunt C, Kid #1 had his own children (Grandkids #1 & #2).
Uncle married Aunt C, and has since had Kids #6 & #7, who are the Aunt and Uncle of Grandkids #1 & #2, even though Grandkids #1 & #2 are older than 'Aunt and Uncle - Kids #6&#7!


Are we related?

You all would be related to my DH. My FIL could be your Uncle A if you threw in an extra wife (Aunt D) and an extra baby mama between Aunt C and Aunt D.


ETA: accidentally posted in quote tree.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2014, 08:25:25 AM by bloo »

Venus193

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #38 on: March 21, 2014, 07:08:28 AM »
I'm so pleased things worked out! 

Psychopoesie

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #39 on: March 21, 2014, 07:57:28 AM »
So sorry about your Nanna.

Pleased things worked out with the rude pushy aunties.

How lovely that you wore a jacket you'd picked out while your Nanna was there.

Dr. F.

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #40 on: March 21, 2014, 09:49:40 AM »
Hi there eHellions - OP here.

So!

The funeral was yesterday and it went off without a hitch. The aunts in question were all in attendance and were all in black with their sunglasses on, huddled together and whispering.

They were all noticeably avoiding Pop as well, except for the hugs as they went up to their seats and had to step past him.


Wait - the Aunts attended the funeral and then AVOIDED interacting with the widower because they couldn't overset his funeral plans? Wow. That's beyond rude and well into psycho-controlling behavior.

OP - I'm so sorry for your loss.

mime

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #41 on: March 21, 2014, 02:41:10 PM »
I'm sorry your Nana's life has come to an end.

StarDrifter, I admire your shiny spine!

I'm so glad to know that you went to your Pop and didn't let the whole situation spin out of control for his wife's / your grandmother's funeral. I suspect you were in a good position to know if he was going to be too distraught or frail to deal with the stress or if he was up to the task, and it appears that you acted correctly under that knowledge.

As for laughter: I, personally, would be disappointed if there was no laughter at my funeral!

whatsanenigma

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #42 on: March 21, 2014, 03:03:35 PM »
This really burns my toast. Weddings and funerals both seem to be a time to pressure people into performing when they're not comfortable doing so. As if these times aren't stressful enough for all concerned! If those aunts wanted to hear someone sing "Amazing Grace" at the funeral, then maybe one of THEM should've sung it.

My FIL has a lovely voice, but has never sung publicly. Somehow, his family got it in their heads that he was going to perform (for the first time!) at his daughter's wedding! You couldn't believe the pressure that was brought to bear....as though the entire wedding was going to be ruined if he didn't sing at (sniff!) "his ONLY daughter's weddinnnnnggggg...." I think as the father of the bride, he probably had enough on his plate that day!

As a profesional musician, many people were shocked that I did not "perform" at DF's funeral. To this day, I feel no guilt about that. I almost feel as though there's a ghoulish part of people that somehow....almost want to see people break down at funerals. In any event, I was not there to "entertain," or "perform;" I was there to mourn and honor DF.

OP, you are not a trained monkey....having to perform on command. To expect someone to do so....even if this is how they earn their living....is (in my opinion), an egregious faux-pas. Shame on them.

POD to all of this.

Also, I would like to point out, even if you were a professional, trained singer who could have done the singing without being overcome by emotion, that was not enough notice by a very long shot. 

If you were really a professional, trained singer who would have wanted the opportunity to sing, you probably would have been able to pull it off only with much scrambling around, trying to wedge in enough time to rehearse with a pianist you'd probably never met before...it wouldn't have been a good situation surrounding an already stressful funeral.

They were wrong on so many levels to try to pull that on you.

Sophia

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #43 on: March 21, 2014, 03:58:57 PM »
Since the Aunts do not sound like nice ladies, I wonder if they were hoping for a bad performance.  Amazing Grace is, well, amazing when done right.  But if not, it is hard to listen to. 

Pandora

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Re: was I rude to refuse?
« Reply #44 on: May 12, 2014, 07:02:13 PM »
"Last night around 10PM just as I was heading for bed I received a text message from an Aunt - one who married in to the family just on 3 years ago (not sure if that matters or what) which just said 'You will also be singing Amazing Grace at the funeral see you tomorrow."

 Now this is rude.