Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 26111 times)

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SlitherHiss

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #105 on: August 20, 2013, 03:49:05 PM »
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastise me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.

Oh, I don't expect anyone to do anything.  I was saying what I do and pointing out that the OP (or anyone) can choose whether to let the judgments/guilting/superiority of others affect them.  It doesn't have to.  We are all judged by dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of people every day for various things, from the clothing we wear to the work we do to the comments we make on anonymous internet boards. It would be exhausting to truly care about all of the judgment others make about me.  I pay attention to the opinions of people who matter to me, I pay attention to the opinions that make sense to me or that cause me to take another look at my own actions, and I ignore the opinions that either make no sense to me or that I think are obnoxious or "wrong" or whatever.  If the judgment is a value add to my life, I try to absorb that value.  If a judgment is not, I blissfully ignore it and go on with my life. 

I am not saying everyone has to do this.  I am saying the OP can choose which judgments/guilting/superiority she allows to affect her.

Well, the OP could try not to let it bother her, but most people don't just have an on/off switch for their emotions, or the desire or ability to simply shut out the world and its opinions. None of us live in a vacuum.

Wordgeek

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #106 on: August 20, 2013, 03:53:22 PM »
I've locked the thread to allow people to catch up on the reading, and to cool off.

The side discussion on guilt-tripping and judgmentalism isn't particularly helpful.

ETA thread reopened.  As I noted, the guilt and judging sidebar isn't adding much.  Please confine the discussion to relevant, useful, productive contributions.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2013, 06:02:13 PM by Wordgeek »

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #107 on: August 20, 2013, 07:11:52 PM »
Thanks for all the responses. Everyone has their own point of view and their own experiences that dictate how they look at a situation.

Some more points....if my father had another way there he would not care in the least if I was invited or not. But since I am the only way he can think of to get there he is making a big deal of this.

Had I received an invite when they originally went out I would have gone. If I receive one tomorrow...no I don't want to go. I was not offended when I did not receive an invitation, I don't expect to be invited to everything. I no longer want to go because I am embarrassed that my father called (twice) over this and made a big deal over it. My father does not care that he embarrassed me....this is FAMILY and I need to get over it. (So he can get to the party!!!)

Yes I am sure they really want my father there, he is quite popular with them.

I don't think the parents were trying to purposely exclude me. I think I am far enough removed from them that they just didn't think to invite me. No big deal.  It never occured to them how "uncle Bull" was going to get there.  And quite frankly I would be quite upset to find I am only invited to family gatherings so he has a ride.


PastryGoddess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #108 on: August 20, 2013, 07:20:58 PM »
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad. 

White Lotus

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #109 on: August 20, 2013, 08:09:46 PM »
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation. 

gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #110 on: August 20, 2013, 08:13:01 PM »
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

cutejellybeen

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #111 on: August 20, 2013, 08:18:51 PM »
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad.

I understand what you are saying here Pastry Goddess - but I don't think the OP needs to do such a list at all. Why spend more time and effort that likely won't help the situation. I think it could make it worse if her father is anything like mine!

Good Luck OP. I hope you can get through this event, and try to find a way to live with your difficult father.



PastryGoddess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #112 on: August 20, 2013, 08:36:37 PM »
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad.

I understand what you are saying here Pastry Goddess - but I don't think the OP needs to do such a list at all. Why spend more time and effort that likely won't help the situation. I think it could make it worse if her father is anything like mine!

Good Luck OP. I hope you can get through this event, and try to find a way to live with your difficult father.
The OP cares about her father and wants him to be happy. Otherwise, rather than posting on how to mitigate this problem, she could have simply said "I'm not invited...oh well" and washed her hands of the whole situation.  She has asked us for advice on how to mitigate this issue.  I'm just trying to help find a way that saves OP's sanity but still gives her a way to respectfully put the ball back in her father's court. 

This is not the first post of OP's where she has to deal with her father demanding that she take the time to ferry him around.  From previous posts it seems that the default is that OP is his chauffeur and if she can't do it then it's HER job to make sure he can get where he wants to go.  I'm trying to give her ways to break the cycle without leaving Dad with no options. 

Op has said that she is available at times to take her dad to and from places, and for the most part she doesn't mind.  However, there are times when she either can't or doesn't want to be his chauffeur.  Not everyone can say no and let the chips fall where they may  So at least with the list the OP is giving her dad a solution to the problem of her not being available to ferry him around.  He doesn't have to like it, but the OP can at least say that she has done what she can in order to make sure Dad can get where he wants to go.  It's still on Dad to follow through or make alternate arrangements.  If Dad chooses not to follow up on other options, that is his fault for not doing it. 

Personally I am of the mind that if you're going to talk about me, I'm going to make sure you have something to talk about. So if you want to make a big deal over me not doing you a favor, then I'll be darned sure that I never do you another favor again.  :)  I have also been called stubborn, mule headed, and intractable, so um maybe you don't want to go quite this far *shrug*

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #113 on: August 20, 2013, 10:00:05 PM »
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)


lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #114 on: August 20, 2013, 10:03:29 PM »
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.

gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #115 on: August 20, 2013, 10:20:21 PM »
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.

Yes.  It might.  It might be a wake up call to "Uncle Bull" and his brother that the services the OP has been providing and is expected apparently to continue to provide are costing HER money.  It's time for the man who wants to go so badly and the guy who wants him there so much to step up to the plate and pay the piper themselves!!

PastryGoddess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #116 on: August 20, 2013, 10:22:02 PM »
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.

Your father would pay for it.  If he wants to go somewhere , you're not available, and there are no other family members available then he would have to pay someone to take him anyway. 

or what gramma dishes said  :P


LifeOnPluto

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #117 on: August 20, 2013, 11:06:30 PM »
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)

I agree it would be a great solution for many people.

However, if the OP's father is anything like my late grandmother, I can easily see him refusing to get into a car with a "stranger". Especially one so young.

kareng57

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #118 on: August 21, 2013, 12:01:02 AM »
My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.

POD!!!!

Sorry OP, but I don't for one moment believe there was a paper invitation that was lost in the mail.  That sort of thing does happen, of course, but I don't think that was the case in this instance.


Why not?  I don't think that you're in Canada, but the postal service here is abysmal.  The official website will assert that mail will reach its destination within 3 or 4 days - but IME it can mean 3 or 4 weeks.

TheaterDiva1

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #119 on: August 21, 2013, 01:17:40 AM »
Okay... Never mind whether OP was even invited... Let's assume she's not.  If she was and couldn't go for whatever reason, she's still be in the same situation.  If it's that important to her father, he'll find a way to go.  If it's that important to their relatives, they'll make sure he has a way of getting there.  Basically, the question is: how can her father get there in a way that doesn't involve OP?  There are plenty of suggestions in this thread.