Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 25344 times)

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Eeep!

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #90 on: August 20, 2013, 02:50:35 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.

Yes, but they are options that can be arranged by her father for himself. That's my point.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #91 on: August 20, 2013, 02:54:11 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.

Yes, but they are options that can be arranged by her father for himself. That's my point.

True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.


Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #92 on: August 20, 2013, 03:03:03 PM »
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.

PastryGoddess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #93 on: August 20, 2013, 03:10:42 PM »

True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.


That certainly is your prerogative to do so.  But you shouldn't assume that everyone will feel the same way about taking on these tasks as you do.  You are not wrong for wanting the OP to step in to do more for her father due to his age.  However, the OP is not wrong for not wanting to step up due to her own obligations. 

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #94 on: August 20, 2013, 03:11:33 PM »
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.

Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.



Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #95 on: August 20, 2013, 03:13:58 PM »
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.

Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.

The point is that your choices have very little baring on the OP. You may have the time and inclination to be on call for situations like this, but it's not to be expected of everyone or even anyone.

I'm sure her father knows the various options available to him. He's an adult of sound mind.

Allyson

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #96 on: August 20, 2013, 03:23:20 PM »
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.

Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #97 on: August 20, 2013, 03:26:54 PM »
True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.

This seemed like a guilt trip or judgement - or at least a hint of superiority.

This too:
Quote
Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.

People seem to not be thinking of the father as an independent person. All the OP needs to say is "no, I wont be able to drive you." The father is an adult. He can take it from them and doesn't need to be condescended to. The OP seems to do a lot for her father already.

TurtleDove

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #98 on: August 20, 2013, 03:29:45 PM »
Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.


I agree with this statement, but would add that such statements do not bother me in the slightest when I am confident in my own priorities.  I cannot please everyone all the time, so I think through my actions and do what I believe is correct.  I might think the person making the statement is judgmental, or has whacked priorities herself, but it wouldn't cause me to feel bad about my own priorities and decisions.

Here, I think the OP needs to decide what she wants to do and not be guilted by anyone else. Let other people judge, should they so desire.  It does not have to affect the OP.

auntmeegs

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #99 on: August 20, 2013, 03:31:21 PM »
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.

Yeah, but the OP asked us what she should do.  Obviously our answers are goign to be based on what we ourselves would do or what we think the right thing to do is - that's built in.  In some cases that is different than what the OP wants to do.  That doesn't mean anyone is guilt-tripping or being superior.

Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #100 on: August 20, 2013, 03:32:57 PM »
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastize me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.

wolfie

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #101 on: August 20, 2013, 03:35:01 PM »
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.

Yeah, but the OP asked us what she should do.  Obviously our answers are goign to be based on what we ourselves would do or what we think the right thing to do is - that's built in.  In some cases that is different than what the OP wants to do.  That doesn't mean anyone is guilt-tripping or being superior.

I think someone posting that her father is 86 and could die tomorrow and therefore she should do this is guilt tripping - why bring up his age and the fact that he could die if not to induce guilt for not doing it? Truth is that the OP could die tomorrow too.

cheyne

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #102 on: August 20, 2013, 03:37:42 PM »
I'm still stuck on the point of thinking that the baby's father (who would be a great nephew of OP's dad) tendered a courtesy invite to OP's dad as a way of keeping peace with his own father.  If OP's dad is as close to baby's grandfather as OP says, then baby's dad and grandpa have to know that OP's dad can not drive himself down for the baptism. 

If baby's dad really wanted OP's dad to attend, he would have invited OP himself or even let her know/asked her if she was coming on FB. 

Perhaps baby's dad is not very close to OP's dad and really doesn't want him to come or doesn't have the room for him and OP, but knows that his dad (OP's dad's nephew) wanted him to invite OP's dad.

At any rate, OP you are not wrong to refuse to go without an invite.  If you were invited you would have, you know, an invitation.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2013, 03:39:41 PM by cheyne »

TurtleDove

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #103 on: August 20, 2013, 03:42:49 PM »
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastize me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.

Oh, I don't expect anyone to do anything.  I was saying what I do and pointing out that the OP (or anyone) can choose whether to let the judgments/guilting/superiority of others affect them.  It doesn't have to.  We are all judged by dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of people every day for various things, from the clothing we wear to the work we do to the comments we make on anonymous internet boards. It would be exhausting to truly care about all of the judgment others make about me.  I pay attention to the opinions of people who matter to me, I pay attention to the opinions that make sense to me or that cause me to take another look at my own actions, and I ignore the opinions that either make no sense to me or that I think are obnoxious or "wrong" or whatever.  If the judgmet is a value add to my life, I try to absorb that value.  If a judgment is not, I blissfully ignore it and go on with my life. 

I am not saying everyone has to do this.  I am saying the OP can choose which judgments/guilting/superiority she allows to affect her.

Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #104 on: August 20, 2013, 03:45:39 PM »
I think saying people "let" or "allow" things bother them is putting the burden on the "victim" not to FEEL something that is perfectly valid and accepted and even predictable to feel. It's not a choice - it's natural emotion.

You can make the choice to move on or internalize the hurt, but feeling hurt isn't a choice you make. It's something that's done to you.