Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 27025 times)

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lkdrymom

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But I haven't been invited
« on: August 19, 2013, 07:05:35 PM »
Let me just start off by saying the word 'ettiquette' is not in the vocabulary of anyone on my father's side of the family.  With that in mind, how do I handle the following situation?

In two weeks my father's great-great nephew will be baptized. My father received an invitation, I did not. I am not upset by this. While I would have gone if invited, not being invited does save me money and an entire day away from home and getting things done.  Here is the problem, my father is 86, if I am not invited he can't go. It is a 50 mile drive from his home and he only drives to the grocery store when absolutely necessary.

My father really wants to go but since I did not receive and invite he has no way there. He ended up calling his nephew asking why I was not invited (as I said, not in the vocabulary).  Nephew said the 'kids' must have assumed his invitation was for me too. I don't live with my father and the kids are pushing 30 so they should know better. Another week goes by and my father asks me again and I tell, no I have not received an invitation so he does another call to his nephew who insists I am invited but the story now is that an invitation was mailed and I never received it. His nephew is not the host of the party, nephew's son and DIL so I don't think it correct that he is issuing invites on their behalf. My father kept insisting I call my cousin...sorry not my cousin's call to make and I am not calling to fish for an invite.  I assumed that since they knew I never got an invite they might send out another...but so far nothing.  My father is whining that this is f-a-m-i-l-y and I should go.

I realize I may sound stubborn on this but I do have my reasons. A few years back I was told my family was invited to a picnic at my cousin's place. The invite was through my father.  My father did not get all the important information and we showed up at the picnic 2 hours before it was to start (and we were hour later than my father said it started). So I swore after that I would only accept invites that came directly to me and not through my father.

I am having lunch with my father later this week and he is going to bug me about it again. As far as I am concerned I have not been invited and at this point if I do get one I kind of feel like I am only being invited so my father has a ride. Am I being too stubborn?  How should I handle?

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2013, 07:10:51 PM »
In this case, I think your option is to go - invitation or not.  It sounds like the family (even if gg-nephew is the one that's saying it) isn't having a problem with it.  And the only way your father can go is if you take him.

If it's a baptism, it's not like there's a problem with numbers, is there?  It'd be in a church, so there'd be room for you to sit there with your father.

If you do get invited now, don't think about the whys and wherefores (ie, just so your father has a ride).  Just go and enjoy it.

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So I swore after that I would only accept invites that came directly to me and not through my father.

I understand why you were frustrated with the prior event.  But I think you need to stop thinking about it and just go with the situation at hand now.  In that, you might be a little stubborn right now.
 
 
« Last Edit: August 19, 2013, 07:12:25 PM by DottyG »

TheaterDiva1

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2013, 07:13:31 PM »
Your father seriously has no other way of getting there?  Public transportation?  Other relatives living nearby? (They're faaaamily - they'll help out, right?) I don't blame you for not accepting invites through him - if you help his find another way to get there, maybe he'll lay off the invitation issue.

CaffeineKatie

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2013, 07:18:56 PM »
I'm sorry--given your father's situation, I think you are using etiquette as a club to snub your relatives. 

mrkitty

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2013, 07:19:12 PM »
I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go. I wouldn't either.

I doubt the world will come to an end if either you or your father aren't there. If it's that important to your father, he will make arrangements to get there. If it's that important that you be there, your cousins will see to it that you receive an actual invitation. Or, are you expected to act solely as a chauffeur and wait in the car while your father goes to the baptism and then any reception afterward? Sorry, but after my recent experiences with my own family, I wouldn't put anything past anyone.
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lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2013, 07:21:47 PM »
We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

Yes they do need a head count as there is a luncheon afterwards.  And I really don't feel comfortable going to an event that I haven't actually been invited to. 

I am not trying to snub my relatives...is it too much to ask for an actual invitation?  I managed to get one to their wedding so they must have my correct address.

shhh its me

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2013, 07:21:56 PM »
  I think this is one of the situation were you can call your would it be first cousin?  ( the parent of the people actually hosting) and ask.

I do think people who always travel with a caregiver implies a plus + for the caregiver (ie people who have nurses)  and in some circumstances the elder , my grandfather for example suffered from glaucoma and was blind in his 80s he needed someone to help him eat , take him to use the restroom ect. and of course drive him.  it was too late in life to expect him to learn how to pay for a cab, find a bus stop or figure out even what food was on his plate on his own.  while he wasn't invited to a lot of formal events(red none) everyone know his son would be accompanying him.   So i think you can ask if you or someone else to drive him was included.

NyaChan

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2013, 07:26:33 PM »
The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother.  I wouldn't attend unless they call or speak to me themselves about it.  I get that your father depends on you for transportation usually, but you truly aren't his only way of getting there.  Let the all important Family step up to give him a ride - in fact I would suggest it to your father yourself that he see if he can ride with someone else since you have not actually been invited and are unable to drop him off and pick him up yourself.  This will put the onus on them to figure out whether or not they actually want to invite you as I doubt they'll be willing to go to the effort of getting your father there themselves.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2013, 07:28:11 PM by NyaChan »

cass2591

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2013, 07:27:41 PM »
You know your father wants to go and you're his only mode of transportation. You also said you would go if you'd gotten and invitation but since you didn't, no loss.  But your father wants to go and he's 86.

You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So, are you more concerned with etiquette technicalities or your father's wishes? Which is more important, especially when you know there is no ill will intended, or if there is, you didn't mention it.
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lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2013, 07:39:28 PM »
You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So because my father is elderly and wants to go, good manners should just be tossed out the window? I cannot stress enough how uncomfortable I would be to attend this event without an actual invitation.

The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother

This is it exactly. Maybe they are more 'relaxed' about this than I am...but that doesn't make how I feel wrong.  I am facebook friends with father of the child, if it is too much trouble to actually mail an invite he could contact me there.

misha412

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2013, 07:56:50 PM »
So, because you didn't get a formal written invitation, you are not going to take your father to a family event that he wants to attend. Okay, I understand feeling left out when the invite is not extended directly to you (a fully functional adult) instead of through a parent.

You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?

If the parents or grandparents of the baby, say that "of course, you are invited," you can say "I didn't get a formal invitation so I am not coming. Now, who is coming up and getting Dad?" This will allow you to make sure your Dad enjoys the family event and you do not have to attend an event to which you were not formally invited. Everyone is happy.

doodlemor

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2013, 07:58:03 PM »
the word 'ettiquette' is not in the vocabulary of anyone on my father's side of the family

Maybe the nephew that your father called never bothered to check this with his son.  I can imagine your cousin carelessly telling your dad something like, "I'm sure that they mailed an invitation - it was probably lost in the mail."  Perhaps something like that was said and your dad extrapolated it as fact.  As you implied, they are a clueless bunch.

Your dad is 86, and really wants to see his family.  I think that it would be nice if you figured out some way that he could go.

cass2591

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2013, 07:58:35 PM »
I'm just stating my opinion tossed in with what I would do in your shoes. Yes, it's solely based on your father's wish to attend and your own admission of his side of the family's total lack of etiquette knowledge.

I understand completely not wanting to show up at an event where a head count is needed, but it sounds to me like this was more of an oversight than anything else. I would just call. What's your point by denying your dad this pleasure other than teaching the family a lesson they won't even pick up on? I'm sorry, I just don't get it so to answer your question, in this case yes, I think you're being stubborn.


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Zizi-K

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2013, 08:08:07 PM »
You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So because my father is elderly and wants to go, good manners should just be tossed out the window? I cannot stress enough how uncomfortable I would be to attend this event without an actual invitation.

The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother

This is it exactly. Maybe they are more 'relaxed' about this than I am...but that doesn't make how I feel wrong.  I am facebook friends with father of the child, if it is too much trouble to actually mail an invite he could contact me there.

In that case, I would skip the multiple middlemen and go right to the hosts of this event. You could easily drop him a note and say, "Dear DadofKid, I'm just dropping you a note to ask about the baptism of your little bundle of joy. My dad received an invitation and would really love to come, though that would require my attendance as well in order to drive him. Your dad did say to consider my dad's invitation as including me, but I didn't want to mess up your head-count, so I thought I'd check with you to see whether that's the case. If you don't have the room or budget, I totally understand. Congratulations on the baptism!"

I think there's a number of very good reasons you didn't receive an invitation - you were complaining through your dad to the father of the actual hosts. Who knows what actually got back to the person sending out the invitations? Second, I assume this is a baptism of an infant. Thus, the parents issuing the invitations are likely sleep-deprived parents who could be cut some slack. Your dad wants to go. Allay your fears about crashing the luncheon and just contact the hosts directly. You did receive an invitation of sorts, now you just have to confirm it.

JenJay

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2013, 08:09:48 PM »
I think some people are hearing OP say "My elderly father needs me to take him to an event, however, I don't want to go. I'm digging my heels in because I didn't receive an invitation so that makes for a handy excuse to tell dad 'too bad'."

What I think she's actually trying to say is "I didn't receive an invitation and I'm okay with that. I'd normally never attend an even without being invited, however, my elderly father has been invited, wants to go, and needs me to drive him. He's really pressuring me to go anyway and he's been trying to get other relatives to invite me. This makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do?"

OP, I think you should cut out the middle people and contact the hosts directly. Acknowledge how awkward this is and say something like "Dad has asked me to drive him to the baptism but I'm feeling awkward since I wasn't invited. Please know that I am absolutely okay with that - no hurt feelings whatsoever, but it does complicate getting dad there as he doesn't drive. Do you mind if I tag along or would you prefer to arrange transportation for him?" I think that's your only option other than telling your dad you aren't available to drive him, period.