Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 26876 times)

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SamiHami

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2013, 08:10:56 PM »
I am going against the tide here, but I really think you should not go. You have made it clear you weren't invited, and even when your father made it an issue and questioned it-twice-you still did not receive an invitation. That is a pretty huge message that you are not invited. Considering that there is a luncheon involved, you showing up uninvited would be more egregious.

Is it possible that they really don't want your father there? Perhaps they figure they are sparing his feelings by inviting him, but don't actually want him there-so they are getting around it by not inviting the one person that they know would be his transportation.

It's no great trick for them to pick up the phone and call you...YOU...not your father and invite you. They haven't done so. I think that is your answer.

While it would be nice for your father to attend, it is not your fault that you weren't invited and certainly not your place to crash the event or to call them to beg for an invite. Sadly, your father will have to either find another way to get there or miss it altogether. It's a shame, but it's not on you.

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gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2013, 08:14:37 PM »
OP ~~  Just curious.  Is this a matter of your father really, really LOVING his great-great nephew and wanting to witness in person this religious rite of baptism, or is this more that your father thinks of it as a family reunion of sorts and just wants to see other members of his family.

And about his invitation.  You know these people (presumably) and we don't.  But is there any possibility at all that they KNEW he would not be able to come without you, so sent his invitation more as a nice gesture but assuming from the get go that he would not actually want to/be able to come fifty miles for this occasion?

Dr. F.

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2013, 08:21:47 PM »
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.

gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2013, 08:28:44 PM »
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.

I don't agree.  There is no reason whatsoever for her to give up at least a minimum of half a day and use her car and gas and precious time just to become an unpaid taxi driver who isn't "good enough" to be invited to the event and therefore has to entertain herself and provide her own food between runs! 

I personally wouldn't be willing to do that.

Zizi-K

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2013, 08:31:39 PM »
Some families are just really casual about invitations. On the OP knows whether her lack of invitation is more likely to indicate that she is not invited or whether she really is invited/welcome but they just forgot/neglected to stick one in the mail. It took literally 10 years for me to get my aunt to stop issuing invitations to me through my parents. It was hard! But during that time, even though it irked me, I still understood that I really was invited (even if it was through a game of telephone).

SamiHami

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2013, 08:35:36 PM »
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

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lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2013, 08:42:00 PM »
OP ~~  Just curious.  Is this a matter of your father really, really LOVING his great-great nephew and wanting to witness in person this religious rite of baptism, or is this more that your father thinks of it as a family reunion of sorts and just wants to see other members of his family.  This has nothing to do with the baby, he just wants to visit with other family members.

What I think she's actually trying to say is "I didn't receive an invitation and I'm okay with that. I'd normally never attend an event without being invited, however, my elderly father has been invited, wants to go, and needs me to drive him. He's really pressuring me to go anyway and he's been trying to get other relatives to invite me. This makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do?" This is exactly how I feel. I am a very shy person and I would not feel comfortable making any phone calls to a relative and putting them on the spot to invite me. My father is not shy and wouldn't think twice about putting someone on the spot to get what he wanted. Earlier this year I had to talk him out of calling the parents of the bride(late mom's side of family) to ask if he could bring a date when his invite did not include a + one.

You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?
Actually this might be the best way to go....however it is not on me to do this, it should be on my father.  He is 86, but not an invalid or incompetant, he lives on his own.

I do believe that they want him there, just no one bothered to think it all the way through. When I hosted my mom's 80th over 10 years ago I made sure to work out transportation for any of the elderly guests that I thought might have transportation issues. I guess not everyone thinks of that.

Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.

shhh its me

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2013, 08:43:57 PM »
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

I think if it was OP making the calls I'd agree.  OP would communicate " send me an invite".  OP father seems to just be confirming so "yes of course she is invited" seems like the end of it. 

misha412

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2013, 08:46:53 PM »
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.

baglady

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2013, 08:52:32 PM »
I would leave the RSVP'ing up to Dad. Let him tell the hosts that he would love to come but needs his daughter to come along, because he can't drive. I'd advise the same thing if this were a paid caregiver instead of his daughter, but her being family makes it a little stickier, because she's family and has a reasonable expectation of her own invitation.

This isn't someone presuming to bring his/her flavor-of-the-month date where no plus-one invitation was issued. This is an elderly person who couldn't otherwise attend without a companion. Even the most etiquette-clueless should be able to wrap their minds around that. I don't know why they've persisted in refusing OP an invitation -- maybe they ran out of them? -- but if they want beloved great-granduncle there, they need to accept the fact that he can't come alone.
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shhh its me

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #25 on: August 19, 2013, 08:54:09 PM »
  how about this ...

OP calls on her fathers behalf to decline since he doesn't have transportation and to express well wishes,  hopefully the host will say "oh im sorry YOU cant make it"  that way OP can say "me? well I wasn't invited?"

In a way OP is doing the same thing the hosts are doing (we assume) leaving it to someone else to communicate.   

misha412

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #26 on: August 19, 2013, 08:57:11 PM »


You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?
Actually this might be the best way to go....however it is not on me to do this, it should be on my father.  He is 86, but not an invalid or incompetant, he lives on his own.

I do believe that they want him there, just no one bothered to think it all the way through. When I hosted my mom's 80th over 10 years ago I made sure to work out transportation for any of the elderly guests that I thought might have transportation issues. I guess not everyone thinks of that.

If your father calls and asks about transportation, the answer he gets is likely the one he has already gotten. "We thought lkdrymom was going to drive you. She is welcome to come." He will likely come back to you and say "see I told you that you were invited." (Extrapolation on my part, but from what you have said, it sounds likely).

If you call, then you can make it clear you are not coming. At that point, they have to think beyond what they consider the obvious answer. The answer may be that, if you are not going, your father will not be able to attend.

SamiHami

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2013, 08:57:43 PM »
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.

Her father's family having poor etiquette doesn't mean that she should perpetuate the rudeness. As for the likelihood of their intentions, we just don't know. Maybe they assume she'll be there. Or maybe they, for whatever reason, decided to not invite her. Would you go to an event you weren't invited to just because you assumed it was a mistake? I think the only thing to do is take her cue from the hosts. They invited Dad so we know that they know how to issue invitations. So to me that means the lack of invite to the OP means don't go.

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VorFemme

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #28 on: August 19, 2013, 09:07:35 PM »
Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".
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WillyNilly

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2013, 09:13:20 PM »
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.

I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.

We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

I think this is the best idea. Bring your dad, go to the church bit, then greet everyone and ask what time you should pick your dad up as you have some errands to run. You can put a cooler with some ice packs into your car before leaving home and do some grocery shopping if its in the pine barrens, or hit the outlets if its that part of south Jersey, or maybe even stop by AC or the shore to stroll a boardwalk, or if its the other half of south Jersey pop over to Philly and spend an hour at the art museum or science museum.

Is it a huge inconvenience, yes I'm sure it is. But it sounds like you and your dad are close and its important to him and he probably has limited opportunities to socialize and would probably mean a lot to him.