Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 27879 times)

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cattlekid

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #30 on: August 19, 2013, 09:16:01 PM »
I like it!  Put the burden back on them.  This way, you can really ascertain if it was a duty invite or they really wanted him to be there.  If they really want him to be there, they'll find a way or issue you an invitation, even if it is just over the phone.

Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".

siamesecat2965

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #31 on: August 19, 2013, 09:26:13 PM »
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.

I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.

We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

I think this is the best idea. Bring your dad, go to the church bit, then greet everyone and ask what time you should pick your dad up as you have some errands to run. You can put a cooler with some ice packs into your car before leaving home and do some grocery shopping if its in the pine barrens, or hit the outlets if its that part of south Jersey, or maybe even stop by AC or the shore to stroll a boardwalk, or if its the other half of south Jersey pop over to Philly and spend an hour at the art museum or science museum.

Is it a huge inconvenience, yes I'm sure it is. But it sounds like you and your dad are close and its important to him and he probably has limited opportunities to socialize and would probably mean a lot to him.

It can most definitely take that long to go 50 or so miles, esp going south, especially if on the Parkway, and its a weekend. the OP will hit shore traffic, which can sometimes grind traffic to a halt. And even on a road with a 40-60mph speed limit doesn't mean you're actually going that fast, and tons of lights on the local roads.

JenJay

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #32 on: August 19, 2013, 09:28:47 PM »
I like it!  Put the burden back on them.  This way, you can really ascertain if it was a duty invite or they really wanted him to be there.  If they really want him to be there, they'll find a way or issue you an invitation, even if it is just over the phone.

Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".

I agree. Hopefully they'll also keep that in mind next time and remember to invite neither or both.

RooRoo

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #33 on: August 19, 2013, 09:30:23 PM »
Maybe, as someone suggested, the hosts sent an "announcement" invitation (i.e. "He won't be able to come but we'll include him anyway"). My mother sent out a few of those for my first wedding. (But, if they'd have come, we would have welcomed them!)

Or maybe they expect her to show up.

Or maybe they were just being clueless and thoughtless, and didn't consider Dad's transportation problems.

It doesn't matter. If I was in her shoes, I'd feel the same way. And it is not her responsibility to fix it. I wouldn't feel able to shove myself in where I wasn't invited, either. Whether the reason was cluelessness or not doesn't matter.

Go ahead and stay home, lkdrymom. You have a  prior engagement! "lkdrymom, won't you watch Casablanca with me, for the 150th time, and we'll pop some corn? Why, thank you lkdrymom, that sounds wonderful!"
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #34 on: August 19, 2013, 09:33:34 PM »
I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.   It is 50 miles from my father's place....I live another 20 miles in the opposite direction.  So 70 miles each way for me....and it is S0uth Jersey...traffic does not allow you to drive 60mph on the highways...most highways down there are parking lots.

It doesn't matter. If I was in her shoes, I'd feel the same way. And it is not her responsibility to fix it. I wouldn't feel able to shove myself in where I wasn't invited, either. Whether the reason was cluelessness or not doesn't matter. This!

*inviteseller

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2013, 09:44:45 PM »
I don't see this as an oversight because the father of the baby is FB friends with OP..by now he could have sent her a message or called her because twice now her father has asked the father of the father (I think I got that right) and still nothing.  So they didn't invite OP.  They may not realize she is the only way for him to get there and think because he does live by himself and can get around his neighborhood by car, he can drive.  I don't think OP is out of line..she shows up and finds out she wasn't invited and they did not have her down for the head count, it is going to make OP look like a interloper who just shows up.  And I don't think the OP should have to call around for an invitation.  It has twice now been brought up she didn't get an invite and yet no messages, no calls..to me that = no invite. 

My ex MIL did this to me.  She got an invitation to a graduation party for one of her half siblings kids.  She told us we were invited also.  I had never met these people and it had been years since my husband had seen them.  I told husband we didn't receive an invitation and he said that is how the family worked things, the matriarch/patriarch got the invite then passed it to the kids.  I lost the fight and we went..and we weren't invited!!!!  They had a catered outdoor party but it was invite only and they knew that we were not close so they didn't want to look gimme so they only invited who they were close to.  I was mortified!

esposita

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #36 on: August 19, 2013, 09:46:09 PM »
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.

This is what I was thinking...

OP, you said "I assumed that since they knew I never got an invite they might send out another" but is it possible the "message" never got relayed to them (the parents) by their father?

AmethystAnne

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2013, 10:00:53 PM »
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.


Dr. F. said so well what I was thinking of but couldn't express as succinctly.

And then when your Dad is ready, somebody could call you on your cell.


Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".

Well....it always pays to read the whole discussion before responding. 
I like VorFemme's response too.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2013, 10:09:48 PM by AmethystAnne »

Jaelle

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #38 on: August 19, 2013, 10:07:50 PM »
I want to defend the OP a little.  ???

Haven't we heard on eHell before that grown children are in no way obligated to be at the beck and call of their parents? If her father is cognizant of what's going on and wants to make it to the event, why can't he figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve fishing for an invitation for his daughter? (OP, if I remember correctly, this has been a problem before, hasn't it?)

It's just easier for everyone if she does it, but she doesn't rate her own invitation? I know I'd feel differently about getting my own invite and just taking a relative because I was going anyway than having the relative get the invite and be assumed to be his transportation! :P  The assumption that "Of course she'll bring you!" would really, really get under my skin. What if she has something else going on?

I suppose I'm a little biased, because we're currently having some issues with my MIL expecting to be ferried everywhere by my DH, even when it completely messes up our schedules, previously made plans and general lives. He's fine taking her to doctor appointments, etc., even when we have to rearrange things to do it ... but when it's "You're taking me to this event four hour's drive away roundtrip, even though you're busy that day and it would be utterly inconvenient, just because I want to go and you should do it" ... yeah, not so much.
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lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #39 on: August 19, 2013, 10:11:15 PM »
I am still utterly mortified that my father called my cousin. I specifically told him not to. And after the last time geting burned by accepting an invite through him I know now never to do that again. I was so embarrassed the last time.

And as far as expecting me to drive 3 hours round trip then just 'hang out' someplace while he goes to the event....I think that is asking a bit much.

I want to defend the OP a little. 

Haven't we heard on eHell before that grown children are in no way obligated to be at the beck and call of their parents? If her father is cognizant of what's going on and wants to make it to the event, why can't he figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve fishing for an invitation for his daughter? (OP, if I remember correctly, this has been a problem before, hasn't it?)

It's just easier for everyone if she does it, but she doesn't rate her own invitation? I know I'd feel differently about getting my own invite and just taking a relative because I was going anyway than having the relative get the invite and be assumed to be his transportation!   The assumption that "Of course she'll bring you!" would really, really get under my skin. What if she has something else going on?

I suppose I'm a little biased, because we're currently having some issues with my MIL expecting to be ferried everywhere by my DH, even when it completely messes up our schedules, previously made plans and general lives. He's fine taking her to doctor appointments, etc., even when we have to rearrange things to do it ... but when it's "You're taking me to this event four hour's drive away roundtrip, even though you're busy that day and it would be utterly inconvenient, just because I want to go and you should do it" ... yeah, not so much.
Thank you.

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #40 on: August 19, 2013, 10:20:56 PM »
he just wants to visit with other family members.

This is why I'd help him get there - whether that meant sucking it up and calling to see if it would be ok for me to attend, accepting the invitation (however informal) already received, dropping him off and picking him up later or even calling around to see if someone else could take him.  But the nine words above are pretty much sufficient for me to say that I'd be figuring out some way to get him there.

Unless there is prior animosity between the father and his family, I wouldn't consider this to be an announcement invitation, either.  I think they'd like him there as much as he wants to be there - if, for no other reason, to see him just as he wants to see them.  He's 86.  I think this is a time when he should get to spend as much time as he can/wants to with his family.
 
 
« Last Edit: August 19, 2013, 10:22:31 PM by DottyG »

LeveeWoman

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #41 on: August 19, 2013, 10:38:01 PM »
Sometimes we have to do things that inconvenience us all to hell-and-back in order to help out someone close to us.

I've been there, done that.

It's called "sucking it up and driving on."


Aeris

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #42 on: August 19, 2013, 10:40:23 PM »
I think a lot of people, including the OP, are putting far FAR too much weight on 'but we've asked twice, and STILL no invitation was forthcoming!'.

The OP said that etiquette was a bit foreign to this side of the family. It also sounds like they are just super casual. Add in that the hosts are sleep-deprived parents of an infant. With all that information, let's try to see this from the hosts' possible perspectives. Also, do note that at some point "the story" was that the OP had in fact been sent a direct invitation that had been lost in the mail.

Possible Scenario #1: Host sends an invitation to his great uncle that is *intended* to include his daughter. Host assumes (wrongly) that everyone will know this. At some point host's father calls and says "Hey, did you mean to invite great-uncle's daughter?". Host replies "Of course! She's part of great-uncle's invite, duh!". Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host feels they've been quite clear that the daughter was intended to be invited, the daughter were *still* to insist she hadn't actually been invited, host might reasonably feel like she was making a mountain out of a molehill and wonder why this was causing so much angst.

Possible Scenario #2: Host actually mails invitation directly to dad's cousin. It gets lost in the mail. At some point Host's father calls to ask if the daughter is invited. Host replies "of course she is, we mailed an invitation. If she didn't get it, it must have been lost in the mail. Make sure she knows." Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host has actually invited the father's cousin, AND has sent communication through the family channels that an actual, physical, for real invitation was mailed to her, she were to still insist that since she'd never *received* an invitation that she wasn't *really* invited, I think it's quite likely that the host would be reasonably annoyed.


A few weeks before my cousin's wedding, my brother indicated that he had not received an invitation. I texted my cousin's fiancee to check. Her immediate response was that of course he was invited, she had sent his invitation out at the same time as everyone else's including a plus one. I relayed the information to my brother, who from that point forward operated as if he had received a physical invitation. If he had insisted that he wasn't *really* invited until either my cousin and his fiancee, who were completely frazzled and underwater with work stress and last minute wedding details, called him personally or sent a new physical invitation, I would have called him out for being a giant special snowflake.

If he had not believed my information (or version of it), and had thus called my cousin himself to check, that would have been totally fine. Or if he'd simply decided not to come even though he was invited - also fine. But if he'd indicated that he *would* go if he'd *really* been invited, but since he never received an invitation, he just wouldn't... I would have rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head.



OP, if you don't want to go regardless of whether you're invited that's one thing. But you actually have a reasonable amount of evidence that you likely *were* intended to be invited. If you want to find out for sure if you're invited, that's cool. And you can decline to go in any case, but declining to go because you weren't "actually invited" seems disingenuous here and honestly, may come off to others as drama. If I were the host and I *had* invited you, I would likely feel like you were just trying to Make A Point, and I would not be impressed.

AnnaJ

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #43 on: August 19, 2013, 10:48:52 PM »
Your 86 year old father wants to go, and (correct me if I'm wrong) it's not going to happen if you don't take him - yes, other people could come get him, he could spend a ridiculous amount of money on a taxi, a unicorn could arrive...but seriously, it sounds as though you are it.

Family has told dad your is invited, though the invitation may have been lost in the mail.

So, your call - is it more important to you that your dad goes to this christening or that your family do the proper thing, even though you say they never have done so before? 

Unfair?  You bet.  But it's life with aging parents, and you really do have to make tough decisions.   

Hmmmmm

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #44 on: August 19, 2013, 10:54:50 PM »
OP, how often does your Dad get to visit his family? I think that would impact my decision on whether I wanted to assist him in getting to the event. I wouldn't attend though.

I know I'm odd about driving, but an hour and a half drive is nothing to me. I'd drop him off, grab lunch, do some shopping or see a movie, or visit am museum for a couple of hours and then come back to get him.

And evil me would make sure to come in to get him when I knew the majority of family was still there. So when Aunt Agatha asks "why are you just arriving?" I'd say in a cheery voice "oh, I wasn't invited but it was important to Dad to attend so I drove him down and then piddled around town for a few hours. I'm just here to pick him up. Did you have a nice time"

I also agree that the family probably didnt think that as a second cousin you'd have an interest in attending and didnt consider your dads transport needs. So once he called and it was said "of course she's welcome" they might consider it all set.