Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 24921 times)

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hannahmollysmom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #60 on: August 20, 2013, 02:24:52 AM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #61 on: August 20, 2013, 02:46:02 AM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.


Danika

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #62 on: August 20, 2013, 02:53:53 AM »
I agree with a PP's point (I believe that it was SamiHami) that the hosts clearly know how to send an invitation to someone when they want to, as evidenced by the fact that they managed to mail one to OP's father, but somehow they can't get a paper invitation sent to OP, or even an FB message? And the only word OP has that she is in fact invited is from her father, a previously proven unreliable source.

My own family is a bit like this and when family members, who sound like OP's dad are involved, there's a lot of "of course you're invited" or "of course X Y Z will happen" but not based on any facts, just because they will it to be that way. And the one who ends up being embarrassed by it is the gullible one who believed what that person declared.

On EHell, we never tell someone "call the host and see if you're invited"! If they wanted to invite her, they would have.

And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."

My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.

DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #63 on: August 20, 2013, 03:13:18 AM »
And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father,

I don't, either. But someone said there was one, so I put it in. If there wasn't one, just disregard that part of my post.


Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #64 on: August 20, 2013, 04:09:00 AM »
seriously.......... You are the only driver for Dear Ol Dad?

Is there No One else around?

Or is Dad set in his ways and considers You THE driver (btdt was mum and d ads chauffeur for many years )

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sammycat

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #65 on: August 20, 2013, 05:13:30 AM »
My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.

POD!!!!

Sorry OP, but I don't for one moment believe there was a paper invitation that was lost in the mail.  That sort of thing does happen, of course, but I don't think that was the case in this instance.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #66 on: August 20, 2013, 05:38:35 AM »

On EHell, we never tell someone "call the host and see if you're invited"! If they wanted to invite her, they would have.

And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."


I agreed with your whole post, but especially with this bit. My father in law has been at death's door for the last twenty years.  I've put certain things in my life on hold until after he's gone but at this rate he could very well outlive me.  It's no way to live.

OP I wouldn't go in your shoes.  If they wanted you there they would have invited you directly.  A facebook message takes about two minutes:  it's not that difficult!

At most I might suggest that you contact the hosts and frame it as asking them if they know someone who might be willing to bring your dad.  But then again, that does have the ring of 'fishing for an invite' about it.  Best just to tell your father that he will have to make other arrangements.

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #67 on: August 20, 2013, 07:06:55 AM »
I have to get off to work soon so I can't respond to everyone right now.  Yes I have written about my father before as he sometimes expects too much of me. I work full time, have my own home and two children. Often my father seems to forget I have any other obligations except to run him to this doctor or that doctor or go to lunch with him. I have worked hard to establish boundaries with him and sometimes it may look like I am a bit cold to his wants but I have to or I would end up living my life to cater to him. (The more I do for him the more helpless he acts)

My cousins do visit my father a few times a year.  Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.  He does appreciate me more now these past few years, but only because he really needs me.

No one lives in our area so it would be a huge inconvenience for them to come and get him. And he would never want to inconvenience them in any way....that is what he has a daughter for.

Just to illustrate....a few years back we were invited to a picnic by other cousin. I declined because we would be on vacation and that day was the day we would be driving home.  My father argued with my about going....why couldn't we just go late...after we got home?  So after a long drive he expected me to get back in the car and drive at least another 90 minutes to take him to a party. Did I mention we would be driving home from Canada???  Trust me I can give you alot of examples like this where I am expected to move heaven and earth for him.....and no, there isn't a time in my life (46 years) that I remember him doing the same for me.

Hmmmmm

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #68 on: August 20, 2013, 07:13:22 AM »
Based on this clarification of your relationship and frequency of his seeing his family, I wouldn't accommodate his request.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #69 on: August 20, 2013, 07:18:12 AM »
OP (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) I had a feeling it was like that.

My Parents were the same way

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Dream

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #70 on: August 20, 2013, 07:24:59 AM »
I have a completely different take on this than anyone else. We are talking about a fully competent, independent, albeit elderly, adult. I very much doubt that he is incapable of asking someone for a lift, contacting the hosts and explaining his difficulties or indeed organising a car service of some variety to get himself there. His attendance or plans to get there have absolutely nothing to do with OP and even less when you consider that she very probably isn't even invited. Even if she was invited she would still be under no obligation to be her Fathers ride there, she could still decline to attend the event herself regardless.

As for the invitation itself, OP has had no interaction with any of those hosting the event or their immediate family and they have a variety of different ways of contacting her directly. The only source she has to her 'invitation' is a person with a history of making these things up, who has a vested interest in her attending in order to get him there and who doesn't care one jot if it makes a scene or OP is uncomfortable as a result.

His age, the family reunion he envisages and his wants are frankly immaterial. He is more than capable of attempting to sort this himself, instead OP gets nominated as his ride and/or solution. Neither should she be negotiating with the hosts on his behalf, she is removed from this situation and shouldn't be pressured to bow to the whim of a man who needs to take responsibility for his own attendance.


bonyk

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #71 on: August 20, 2013, 07:26:02 AM »
Maybe consider looking into a car service?

wildkitty

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #72 on: August 20, 2013, 09:32:55 AM »
Wow, guilt tripping - "But he could die tomorrow!" and the old stand by "But its faaaaamily!". Did my web browser take a wrong turn somewhere? I swore I was on eHell.

Queen of Clubs

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #73 on: August 20, 2013, 09:45:20 AM »
And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."

Agreed.  I don't think guilt trips are at all appropriate.

OP, I agree with a lot of other posters - you don't want to go, you don't believe you're invited (and, even if you were, you don't have to accept).  Maybe your father should look into some kind of car service with a hired driver so that he can accept these invitations whenever they come up without expecting you to be at his beck and call.  It would also give him the freedom to visit these relatives more frequently whenever he feels in the mood.

Secret

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #74 on: August 20, 2013, 09:51:07 AM »
Is it possible that the family thinks that the Grandfather really won't want to go so they just sent him an invite, not thinking he would really want to travel that far?