Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 26312 times)

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Danika

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #75 on: August 20, 2013, 10:32:57 AM »
Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.

Oh wow! Why can't he just say to them that they can all join you with your father at lunch? Why must you get kicked out? So, you're second fiddle to others.

Then, I think this is a case of Bed Made Lie. Your father doesn't treat you with respect. Why are you so accommodating to him?

No way would I be doing him any favors now or in the future unless I really enjoyed my father's company and wanted to spend time with him and had absolutely nothing going on myself.


Is it possible that the family thinks that the Grandfather really won't want to go so they just sent him an invite, not thinking he would really want to travel that far?

My guess, just based on what I've read here is that the family doesn't really want OP's father there. They felt that if they didn't invite him, there'd be strife and he'd pitch a fit. So they sent him an invitation to prevent that. But they also made sure to not invite the only person who could be his ride there, hoping to keep him from coming. This is simply because OP's description of the father sounds like an uncle of mine. And I can see some of my cousins doing this.

heartmug

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #76 on: August 20, 2013, 12:03:22 PM »
I have to get off to work soon so I can't respond to everyone right now.  Yes I have written about my father before as he sometimes expects too much of me. I work full time, have my own home and two children. Often my father seems to forget I have any other obligations except to run him to this doctor or that doctor or go to lunch with him. I have worked hard to establish boundaries with him and sometimes it may look like I am a bit cold to his wants but I have to or I would end up living my life to cater to him. (The more I do for him the more helpless he acts)

My cousins do visit my father a few times a year.  Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.  He does appreciate me more now these past few years, but only because he really needs me.

No one lives in our area so it would be a huge inconvenience for them to come and get him. And he would never want to inconvenience them in any way....that is what he has a daughter for.


HUGS!  I was in your shoes for 20 years, until my mom passed away last year.  Boundaries my friend.  I too was dropped/cancelled on if my brother could show up.  He would call at the last minute (literally less than 24 hours) and say he could come (he lived about 80 miles from mom) and since she rarely saw him she would cancel with me.  It made me feel second best and used.

I finally told her that I would take her to her doctor's appointments and shopping once a month.  If my brother wanted to come on those days he needed to do the work.  (She liked to take him to lunch and then back to her house to chat.)  Stick to your plan.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

PastryGoddess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #77 on: August 20, 2013, 01:11:59 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring

SCMagnolia

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #78 on: August 20, 2013, 01:23:04 PM »
Close family would understand your father's circumstances and know that he can't drive and would rely on you to drive him to this event.  If they've flaked on sending an invitation after two phone calls, you're not getting one.  You do have the option to drive him to the event, drop him off, and arrange to pick him up afterward.  You can take yourself shopping or find a place to hang out and read a book if you truly do not want to attend the event.

SamiHami

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #79 on: August 20, 2013, 01:29:14 PM »
OT-Welcome, SCMagnolia! I'm another SC gal myself (Charleston)!

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auntmeegs

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #80 on: August 20, 2013, 01:33:28 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring

His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event. 

Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #81 on: August 20, 2013, 01:47:19 PM »
Your father is not an invalid - it's on him to call the HOSTS and fix this or not go as he pleases. It's not on you. Tell your dad that you understand that he wants to go, but the HOSTS have not invited you and you're not going to be able to make the trip.

I'm a little surprised at the guilt-tripping people are doing here.

darkprincess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #82 on: August 20, 2013, 01:52:42 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring

His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event.

But what if the OP is not invited? Is it still the right thing to do? The question then is what is the limit? If it is the right thing to take a major part of the day away (three hour driving, 2-3 hour event and lunch) from her children at her expense to an event that she either has to crash or find something else to do at her own expense, what is too much?

I agree that if she really was invited, I dont' think that she was, than it is the "nice" thing for her to do to take him. However he is a capable independant adult and needs to figure out his own life, Taxi, hire a car, pay someone to take him. If he is no longer capable or independant than he needs to recognize that there are things he will no longer be able to do. Family members are not obligated to do anything becuase it is faaaaaamily.

I am also very surprised by the guilt tripping.

SamiHami

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #83 on: August 20, 2013, 01:59:24 PM »
Quote
His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event.

No, it really doesn't. He lives independently and is possession of his mental faculties. He is fully capable of making other arrangements for his own transportation. The OP already does do a great deal for him while trying to maintain her own household and life. It is unreasonable for him to expect/demand that she give up her precious time off to chauffeur him around when he can easily pick up a phone and ask another relative, contact a car service or find some other means of getting to the gathering if really wants to go.

This is not an important medical appointment and he does get to see his family fairly frequently. The OP should be able to say, "Sorry, Pop, not this time. You'll need to find another way there" without being guilted for having her own life.

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DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #84 on: August 20, 2013, 02:05:43 PM »
Other options besides the OP's driving him there have been suggested in this thread.  And, yes.  I do think he needs to go if he wants to see his family - whichever of those options is chosen.
 
Age is not a red herring.  It is an important part of this story.
 
 
« Last Edit: August 20, 2013, 02:07:34 PM by DottyG »

oogyda

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #85 on: August 20, 2013, 02:22:35 PM »
Close family would understand your father's circumstances and know that he can't drive and would rely on you to drive him to this event.  If they've flaked on sending an invitation after two phone calls, you're not getting one.  You do have the option to drive him to the event, drop him off, and arrange to pick him up afterward.  You can take yourself shopping or find a place to hang out and read a book if you truly do not want to attend the event.

I can see that the host may feel like the invitation has been extended so they don't need to send out a more formal, written one.  The father of the host may tell the host,

Dad's cousin:  "lkdrymom's dad can't come unless lkdrymom can drive him and asked if she could come to the baptism as well."
Dad's cousin's son:  "Of course she can come.  I will send her an invitation."
Dad's cousin:  "I already told him she could come, so there's no need to send and invitation.  She knows."
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*inviteseller

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #86 on: August 20, 2013, 02:41:09 PM »
But the host has NOT extended an invitation.  He is FB friends with OP so if his dad did talk to him, then he should have called or messaged OP.  I would never take an invitation that came from a conversation with anyone other than the host.  And the guilt tripping of OP..oh your dad is old and wants to see his family..that's just wrong .  OP has a job, a home, kids that come first with her time and energy.  Even if she had been invited (and I really do not think she was) she is under absolutely no obligation to cart her father around to whatever he wants to do.  Now that my dad can't drive and my step mother shouldn't, my sister is being gracious to supply rides for appointments and shopping, but step mom is expecting to do things when my sister has to work and actually told my step brother, who offered to take her shopping no, because she wanted my sister to do it but got upset when my sister couldn't do it when she wanted her to.  Yes, it is nice for us to take care of our elderly parents, I know this summer has been a wash as that is what I have done, but when you are expected to jump when they snap their fingers because they want to do something, well, no, that is entitled SS behavior and age doesn't give you a pass over decent behavior.  The only reason OP's dad is pushing for OP to be invited is so he has a ride IMO.


Eeep!

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #87 on: August 20, 2013, 02:44:37 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?
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DottyG

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #88 on: August 20, 2013, 02:46:23 PM »
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.


YummyMummy66

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #89 on: August 20, 2013, 02:48:30 PM »
Ok, my question is, (at this point, you know you were not originally invited, and if you receive an invite now, you know it will only be because dad needs someone to drive him)...

Do you want to drive your dad or not to this event?   Whether you were actuall invited or not?

If not, then you need to tell dad, that sorry, no matter what, you will not be driving him to said event on said day.  If he wants to go, he must find a way there and back.  Maybe he should contact these cousins and ask for their assistance, but that is up to him. 

If he asks why, just state because you have other plans or simply state, you do not feel like wasting a whole day to be in the car to go to an event that you were not originally invited to in the first place and you are now not going to be a party crasher just because he needs a ride.