Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 25975 times)

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Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #120 on: August 21, 2013, 06:48:59 AM »
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)

I agree it would be a great solution for many people.

However, if the OP's father is anything like my late grandmother, I can easily see him refusing to get into a car with a "stranger". Especially one so young.

LOP obviously has met my late father  :-[

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Redsoil

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #121 on: August 21, 2013, 07:51:49 AM »
I actually find it unusual that one would need to be "invited" to a baptism.  Every baptism I've attended has been word-of-mouth and anyone who wishes to attend, may do so.  The only time I've ever received an official invitation is when I was asked to be Godmother to a friend's children.

Is it really common in the US that one needs an invite for such an event?
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Goosey

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #122 on: August 21, 2013, 08:08:17 AM »
Usually there is an announcement of the baptism and an invitation to the celebration afterwards.

*inviteseller

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #123 on: August 21, 2013, 08:57:21 AM »
While the church service is open to anyone, the party after is usually an invitation type event especially because it is usually a restaurant or catered event.

darkprincess

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #124 on: August 21, 2013, 12:38:46 PM »
Ikdry, I don't think you are responsible to drive him, make a list, or find alternatives, etc. But we all know that sometimes especially with people that we will continue to have a relationship with, we do things to make the relationship if not get better, at least not get worse.
Because of this I think you might want to consider making a list of phone numbers of taxi's, find a local college/high school student that might be willing to drive him (with him paying of course). You could even talk to people who are babysitters for children, maybe they would be willing to "babysit" your dad.

Print the list, hand it to him, wash your hands of the situation and then make plans with your kids for the day of the babtism. Do this so you can clearly say you are not available and cant be bamboozled at the last minute to drive.
If he is not able to go maybe the family members will learn that if they want him there they will need to consider his special transportation needs. Sometimes people need see the consequences so the can make better plans in the future.

Aeris

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #125 on: August 21, 2013, 12:50:05 PM »
I actually find it unusual that one would need to be "invited" to a baptism.  Every baptism I've attended has been word-of-mouth and anyone who wishes to attend, may do so.  The only time I've ever received an official invitation is when I was asked to be Godmother to a friend's children.

Is it really common in the US that one needs an invite for such an event?

I'm in the US, and I don't think I've ever received a formal, written invitation to baptisms or christenings. It's usually word of mouth, or maaaaybe an evite. I wouldn't be surprised to receive a paper invite, but I also wouldn't be surprised to just be told word-of-mouth about a family party. But every family/region is different.

cheyne

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #126 on: August 21, 2013, 01:04:54 PM »
Thanks for all the responses. Everyone has their own point of view and their own experiences that dictate how they look at a situation.

Some more points....if my father had another way there he would not care in the least if I was invited or not. But since I am the only way he can think of to get there he is making a big deal of this.

Had I received an invite when they originally went out I would have gone. If I receive one tomorrow...no I don't want to go. I was not offended when I did not receive an invitation, I don't expect to be invited to everything. I no longer want to go because I am embarrassed that my father called (twice) over this and made a big deal over it. My father does not care that he embarrassed me....this is FAMILY and I need to get over it. (So he can get to the party!!!)

Yes I am sure they really want my father there, he is quite popular with them.

I don't think the parents were trying to purposely exclude me. I think I am far enough removed from them that they just didn't think to invite me. No big deal.  It never occurred to them how "uncle Bull" was going to get there.  And quite frankly I would be quite upset to find I am only invited to family gatherings so he has a ride.

Thank you for answering the question I was stuck on (bolded sentence). 

I agree you are pretty far removed from the father of the baby for an invite to a baptism and reception after.  You would be a second cousin (possibly once removed) from the baby if I am figuring right.  I can see where the parents of the baby don't want to extend the invites out that far.  As with a wedding, the invites have to stop at some point in the circle of family/friends.  However, what you and I think isn't important, the fact that you weren't invited is.  There is no way that you can just show up to this event and still be straight with the etiquette of it.

The idea of a college student driving your father is an excellent one.  Perhaps your father will come to understand the amount of time/money you are spending to get him places when he has to pay for it himself. 


 

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
« Reply #127 on: August 22, 2013, 07:05:13 PM »
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.


gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
« Reply #128 on: August 22, 2013, 07:39:32 PM »
...   My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party. ...
  You know, that's just sad.  It's so sad your Dad really does not seem to appreciate what other people have done and are doing for him.  I fear he's just going to alienate people with his feeling of entitlement -- that people are SUPPOSED to do nice things for him, and like it, by golly!!

I'm glad things worked out that you didn't go and that you didn't find yourself in an embarrassing situation.  Relax and have a wonderful time with all those extra hours while he's gone!  ;-)

AnnaJ

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Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
« Reply #129 on: August 22, 2013, 07:45:24 PM »
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.

On the positive side, I'm glad this worked out for you.

But the bolded text bothers me a great deal.  You can certainly make your own choice about these future situations (and I think you made a good choice, given your feelings) but you really have no right telling your father what he can or cannot do. 

Your other relative volunteered to give your father a ride - maybe he actually wants to spend the time with your dad visiting in the car; maybe he thinks it's important to your father and the rest of the family to see each other, even if he doesn't want to do it; maybe the drive isn't a bit deal to him - I live in the western U.S. and have done this sort of drive often.  Bluntly, if your father asks for a ride and someone chooses to provide it, it's really not your concern.
 

gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
« Reply #130 on: August 22, 2013, 07:48:02 PM »
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.

On the positive side, I'm glad this worked out for you.

But the bolded text bothers me a great deal.  You can certainly make your own choice about these future situations (and I think you made a good choice, given your feelings) but you really have no right telling your father what he can or cannot do. 

Your other relative volunteered to give your father a ride - maybe he actually wants to spend the time with your dad visiting in the car; maybe he thinks it's important to your father and the rest of the family to see each other, even if he doesn't want to do it; maybe the drive isn't a bit deal to him - I live in the western U.S. and have done this sort of drive often.  Bluntly, if your father asks for a ride and someone chooses to provide it, it's really not your concern.

That's not what she said!  Please reread that bolded line!  It includes the words "for me".

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #131 on: August 22, 2013, 07:49:51 PM »
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.

baglady

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #132 on: August 22, 2013, 07:56:48 PM »
She told him not to ask for an invitation for her, not to ask for a ride. If he wants to ask random relative who's attending/putting on the event to provide or arrange a ride for him, that's his business. That's how I'm reading OP's update anyway. And if cousin wants to get up early and come fetch him, that's cousin's business -- obviously they want him there enough to make the trip.

I think OP is within her rights to ask her father not to put her on the spot by fishing for an invitation for her so he'll have a ride. Maybe the extended family will learn from this and realize they have to factor Grandpa's transportation needs into their planning of future events.
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gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #133 on: August 22, 2013, 07:57:55 PM »
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.

Exactly.  I think you were wise to set him straight on that not so little matter!

AnnaJ

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #134 on: August 22, 2013, 09:09:30 PM »
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.

My abject apologies, Ikdrymom, I completely misread what you said and have no defense other than that I was an idiot.  I absolutely agree with you (now that I read all the words  ::) ) and am happy the situation was resolved.