Author Topic: But I haven't been invited  (Read 27513 times)

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LeveeWoman

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #150 on: April 06, 2014, 04:58:55 PM »
If you think that you are only being invited so that your father will have a chauffeur, here is my advice:

1 - Go if you want to, but don't feel obligated to bring anything beyond a card as a gift (especially since you feel this is a gift grab)

Or

2 - Drop your father off at the beginning of the party and pick him up at the end, but don't feel obligated to stay if you don't want to

I'd drop him and then go to a coffeeshop and read a book.

m2kbug

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #151 on: April 06, 2014, 05:02:47 PM »
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.

TootsNYC

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Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
« Reply #152 on: April 06, 2014, 05:47:51 PM »
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?

Yeah, I think those 5 to 6 hours he spent in the car in order to give your dad a lift really made an impression on your cousin!


TootsNYC

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #153 on: April 06, 2014, 05:48:39 PM »
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.

I sort of think it is bad.

I guess I can see your point of view, but I really wouldn't feel invited because they want me, if I were the OP.

lkdrymom

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #154 on: April 06, 2014, 06:07:56 PM »
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.

I sort of think it is bad.

I guess I can see your point of view, but I really wouldn't feel invited because they want me, if I were the OP.

I think it is bad too. They are my relatives but I am only invited so my father has a ride. And you are right....I am sure my cousin reminded his son that he needs to invite me so my father would be able to come.

My feelings were not hurt by not being invited(to the baptism). We aren't that close. And I understand that not everyone gets invited to all things. My father made a big stink about it last time so now I will always have the feeling that I am invited just so he has a ride.

FYI...party is two hours from my house so not something I can drop him at and then come back.

JenJay

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #155 on: April 07, 2014, 12:21:00 AM »
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.

cross_patch

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #156 on: April 07, 2014, 03:56:42 AM »
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

I have to agree- how do you know that this is not their attempt to start inviting g you to more things? It does seem like you are assuming the worst about them.

sammycat

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #157 on: April 07, 2014, 04:30:24 AM »
I will probably go mainly to avoid listening to my father's drama. The date does not conflict with anything I have going on and since I am out of work, household chores are all caught up so my weekends are free.  However I don;t have much enthusiasm for going as it seems like a gift grab (the party is at a fire hall) and I really feel I am only invited so my father has a ride.  And as another poster said...at least they seemed to have gained a bit of ettiquette.

Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.

I fail to see how the location, in this case a hall, instantly equates a gift grab? I've been to plenty of kids' parties in halls, as it give the (young) children room to move around without being in danger of breaking any of the household items etc. It's really no different to hiring an indoor play place. There's also nothing wrong with inviting extended family if they are people they're in regular contact with.

I think you are letting previous interactions with this family cloud your judgment here and based on the baptism situation I can see why, and and I'd be wary too of this invitation. Yes, they may only be inviting you in order to be a chauffeur for your father (and for that reason alone I'd probably decline), but they could also be inviting you as an olive branch.

But I think it's very unfair to use the location and/or number of invitees as the excuse when the real reason is based around previous dealings with these people/being used as a chauffeur.


aussie_chick

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #158 on: April 07, 2014, 05:33:19 AM »
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

I have to agree- how do you know that this is not their attempt to start inviting g you to more things? It does seem like you are assuming the worst about them.

I am parking my POD here too i think.
Op I think if you feel negatively about the event - where they choose to have it, they're only inviting you to chauffeur your dad, they only want gifts, then just don't go. An invite is not a summons. But to me if you choose to accept their hospitality, regardless of their intent (known or assumed) then you have an obligation to be gracious and positive if you do attend.

MindsEye

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #159 on: April 07, 2014, 09:44:39 AM »
Actually, no that i have re-read the entire thread, I think that I am going to change my advice...  everything else aside (pretend that your father does not need you to be his chauffeur) ... would you want to go to this birthday party?

I was struck by something that the OP said in the resolution of the original thread - "I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going."

If you want to go, for you, then by all means go (and take your father) and bring whatever card or level of gift you feel like bringing.

If you really don't want to go... then don't go.  Decline the invite.  Let the cousins come and pick up your father.  They did it before and if they really want your father to be there then they can do it again.


GratefulMaria

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #160 on: April 07, 2014, 10:22:42 AM »
I will probably go mainly to avoid listening to my father's drama. The date does not conflict with anything I have going on and since I am out of work, household chores are all caught up so my weekends are free.  However I don;t have much enthusiasm for going as it seems like a gift grab (the party is at a fire hall) and I really feel I am only invited so my father has a ride.  And as another poster said...at least they seemed to have gained a bit of ettiquette.

Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.

I've keep coming back to the bolded above.  Very gently, you're not obligated to listen to your father's drama.  Tune him out, hang up, walk away.  You deserve better than to have the potential for his poor behavior drive your decisions.

TootsNYC

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #161 on: April 07, 2014, 11:18:18 AM »


I think you are letting previous interactions with this family cloud your judgment here and based on the baptism situation I can see why, and and I'd be wary too of this invitation. Yes, they may only be inviting you in order to be a chauffeur for your father (and for that reason alone I'd probably decline), but they could also be inviting you as an olive branch.


Aren't we supposed to use the past as a yardstick to measure the present?

Given the immediate history, I'd definitely be very wary of this invitation. I wouldn't place a lot of trust in the idea that they might be extending an olive branch.

gramma dishes

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #162 on: April 07, 2014, 11:28:36 AM »
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.

I agree with JenJay.  IF you decide to go this time, pay attention to how you're treated.  As a beloved family member or as a hired driver?

If you don't feel welcomed as yourself, then don't be 'available' again.  You'll have your answer.

But if you decide not to go because you simply don't want to, that's also quite legitimate.  There's no obligation for you to drive your Dad everywhere, especially since it's a considerable distance and therefore a lot of time wasted (for you).  Don't let yourself be coerced into being somewhere you really don't want to be.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #163 on: April 07, 2014, 11:38:07 AM »
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.

I agree with JenJay.  IF you decide to go this time, pay attention to how you're treated.  As a beloved family member or as a hired driver?

If you don't feel welcomed as yourself, then don't be 'available' again.  You'll have your answer.

But if you decide not to go because you simply don't want to, that's also quite legitimate.  There's no obligation for you to drive your Dad everywhere, especially since it's a considerable distance and therefore a lot of time wasted (for you).  Don't let yourself be coerced into being somewhere you really don't want to be.

I agree, as well.

My Dad no longer drives long distances.  He's fine around town and coming to my house or my brother's when he knows the route but is not comfortable driving to somewhere he doesn't know.  So if there is an event in another city, I usually drive him.  I'm also individually invited to any events because friends and relatives know that Dad will need someone to drive him.  Some of the events are ones that I would normally be invited to.  Others, maybe not.  For a couple of more formal invitations, Dad has been invited with a +1.  For a little while, I think it was because they weren't sure whether or not he'd be seeing someone after my Mom died and wanted to leave his options open.

But my situation is completely different.  My Dad doesn't take advantage of me.  He always checks if I am available if he needs me to drive him to an appointment and will quite often give me gas money or pay for something in return for the favour.  And if it doesn't work out for me to drive him, he'll check with my brother or another friend.  And if no one is available, he asks to be rescheduled, if it's possible.  If it isn't, he'll pay for transportation, which he's only had to do once, so far.  I live closer to Dad and to the cities where his appointments usually are, which is why I end up doing more of the grunt work than my brother.  But DB steps up when he needs to. 
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

GrammarNerd

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Re: But I haven't been invited
« Reply #164 on: April 07, 2014, 12:41:31 PM »
Actually, no that i have re-read the entire thread, I think that I am going to change my advice...  everything else aside (pretend that your father does not need you to be his chauffeur) ... would you want to go to this birthday party?

I was struck by something that the OP said in the resolution of the original thread - "I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going."

If you want to go, for you, then by all means go (and take your father) and bring whatever card or level of gift you feel like bringing.

If you really don't want to go... then don't go.  Decline the invite.  Let the cousins come and pick up your father.  They did it before and if they really want your father to be there then they can do it again.

I agree with all of this. 

IF you can set aside the past, just for a moment, ask yourself how the invitation makes you feel.  If it's anything less than excited, or at least 'Oh, cool....a party!  I get to reconnect with the family!', then when you add in the past chauffeuring incident, then I'd say that yes, you're probably being invited for a ride.

Look, everyone involved is an adult here.  They're obviously capable of figuring things out, like the fact that if they want the OP's dad there, then he has to ride with someone.  And since this is a party, he has to ride with someone who was invited.  So presto....that means an invitation for the OP!

I guess if you really want to find out where you stand, could you take the ride out of the equation?  Is there any way that you could go to the party, but be unable to get your dad?  Might you already be in the area of the party so you can't backtrack to get him, or would you have a really tight schedule so you can't afford the extra time it would take to go to his house, wait for him, etc.?  Could you take a train?  That way, if you're not giving him a ride (the supposed 'purpose' for the invite) then you can find out of the invitation is a sincere one or just a means to an end for them.

Even if there's nothing else you can do, I would NOT mention the party to your dad.  Let THEM (your dad or the cousins) bring it up.  Make THEM ask you for a ride for your dad.  And if your dad does any sort of assumption about you giving him a ride, then I think you have your answer.  Even if he knows you were invited, just that is somewhat telling, because it means that your invitation was brought up to him, and one can extrapolate that it was brought up b/c of the presumed transportation issue.