Author Topic: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!  (Read 5987 times)

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metallicafan

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2013, 11:08:33 AM »
I can honestly say that I have never gotten the impression that my SIL is at all interested in spending any one on one time with our MIL.  If she does feel snubbed, then I think she should reach out to our MIL to spend time together.  It would not bother me one bit. Or, perhaps my MIL could reach out to her first.

NyaChan

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2013, 11:17:43 AM »
Just wanted to clarify one more thing, although it probably doesn't make a difference.  My mother in law is not sister in law's mother.  She is her mother in law also.

Actually it kind of does make a difference.  Does MIL ever take her other DIL to lunch, or is it always just you?

I think Gramma Dishes is on to something here. Isn't a basic rule of etiquette that you do not talk to others about events they are not invited to? So MIL is maybe not inviting SIL out to things like lunches, but she does with you, then she talks about these lunches that SIL is not invited to, right in front of SIL. From SIL's POV, yeah, that'd make me a bit stabby too after it had gone on multiple times.

That's a good point. She might be feeling snubbed.

This was my thought as well.  I think this rule relaxes around people who spend a lot of time together, like family members, but if MIL doesn't invite her out and talks about inviting you in front of her, I think MIL is being rude.  SIL is still not handling it well though IMO.

Stormtreader

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2013, 11:42:23 AM »
It would be generous-spirited of either you or your MIL to invite her to join you for one of these, if she already feels like shes being snubbed she may not feel comfortable in trying to invite herself along.

metallicafan

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2013, 11:50:44 AM »
I also think that my MIL has the impression that SIL is not interested in spending time with her either.  That could very well be why MIL hasn't reached out first. Since MIL may have that  impression,  I guess she felt that SIL really wouldn't care if she and I spent time together.  I really don't think my MIL is purposely being mean, she isn't that way.  In any case, MIL will not mention anything again, and I keep my mouth zipped.   :-X

MIL could ask her next time, and see what happens.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2013, 11:54:30 AM by metallicafan »

amylouky

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2013, 11:58:30 AM »
I think she is jealous, and probably feeling left out, but choosing to express it in a prickly, snarky way. I think if she just said, "Oh, that sounds like fun.. I'd love to join you guys sometime!" it would be much more productive.

Why am I picturing her as Sara, the petulant dinosaur from Land Before Time?

Anyway, I think maybe next time she said something like that, I'd just cut the BS and address it directly. Not aggressively but kindly.. "SIL, you seem to say that a lot. You are more than welcome to join us any time.. we were planning to go to lunch on X date, would you be able to come?"

Basically, model the behavior that you'd like to see in your interactions with her, and maybe she'll respond in kind.

MindsEye

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #20 on: August 21, 2013, 12:15:42 PM »
SIL sounds to me like the kind of person who doesn't want to see anyone else enjoying an activity, even if it is an activity that she herself has no interest in. 

I know a few people like that.  I either ignore their PA "must be nice" comments or I respond that it is, in fact, nice, and they should try it themselves sometime.

metallicafan

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #21 on: August 21, 2013, 12:22:09 PM »
Mindseye, you've hit the nail right square on the head.

MindsEye

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #22 on: August 21, 2013, 05:14:02 PM »
Mindseye, you've hit the nail right square on the head.

That's ... sad. 

The people I know who are like that are all very unhappy people.  But instead of trying to figure out why they are unhappy, they prefer to be angry at other people for daring to be happy.


MrTango

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2013, 03:00:59 PM »
SIL sounds to me like the kind of person who doesn't want to see anyone else enjoying an activity, even if it is an activity that she herself has no interest in. 

I know a few people like that.  I either ignore their PA "must be nice" comments or I respond that it is, in fact, nice, and they should try it themselves sometime.

I bet you're right.

Besides, even if she does feel snubbed for whatever reason, I don't think her PA remarks should be rewarded by suddenly inviting her along.

saki

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Re: Jealousy of time and attention from a parent, With a twist!
« Reply #24 on: August 23, 2013, 11:37:46 AM »
I really wish that the 'not talking to people about events that they weren't invited to' rule hadn't gone so out of style.  I realise you don't mean it that way but it is hurtful to hear about things that you weren't invited to, particularly when it's a pattern like this one - basically, everytime you or your MIL talk about this, she is reminded of the fact that your MIL prefers you to her and makes more of an effort to see you than her.  I don't think she's handling it in the best possible way but I also think you and your MIL aren't being very tactful.

Your MIL especially seems to me to be at fault for - from the sounds of it - setting up, from the very start, a difference in the way that she treats you both.  It's not like she made an effort to see both of you one-on-one and then it just became the case that you and she got on better, it sounds like she has never made the effort with your SIL.  I'd be quite hurt by this, if I were your SIL.