Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")

[Marbles]

I think that a host isn't responsible for providing transportation, but can be part of the guest finding a solution. So, for instance, when Greatuncle calls the hosts to say "I would like to come, but can't drive that far. I'm still trying to find a ride. Do you know of anyone coming from my direction?" The host can give Greatuncle a list of a few people who have been invited and suggest he call them (provided they are family or mutual friends). Or, if the other guest is unknown to Greatuncle (or even if the hosts wish to extra helpful), the hosts may offer to ask on Uncle's behalf.

By giving Greatuncle the names of people who have also been invited, it prevents the awkwardness of him trying to get a ride from someone not invited which we saw in the other thread. It is even better if the host can suggest the names of folks who have already indicated that they are coming.

[Lynn2000]

POD to Marbles. Once I was invited to a friend's wedding some distance away, and as I don't drive, I asked him if there was anyone else I knew who was invited, so I could check with them about getting a ride. (Unfortunately there wasn't.)

It would not be very welcoming to respond, "I don't know, I'm too busy planning this to check," when a guest proactively tried to find a solution that would enable them to attend, and wouldn't make an awkward situation for other guests/non-guests. I guess it would be okay if a host did respond that way, but it wouldn't exactly encourage the guest to make the event a high priority.

[snowdragon]

On the other hand, I as a guest who drives would be very put off by being put on the spot, because a host gave my name as a possible ride to another guest.  I would feel I was only invited so I could transport the other person and would be either declining or changing my RSVP to no.

[Lynn2000]

On the other hand, I as a guest who drives would be very put off by being put on the spot, because a host gave my name as a possible ride to another guest.  I would feel I was only invited so I could transport the other person and would be either declining or changing my RSVP to no.

That's a good point. I think it would depend on the attitude. If either the host or the ride-less guest just assumed the driving guest would be able to help out, that wouldn't be cool. But if a name was just put forward as a suggestion, and a polite inquiry was made, I don't see how that would be wrong. Probably a know-your-audience thing.

But on the other hand, what are you going to say as a host? "No, I won't tell you who else is invited"? That could likely lead to someone calling people on their own, and talking to them about an event they aren't invited to, possibly trying to get them to come anyway. Might be better to have some pre-vetted suggestions ready, rather than risk Great-Uncle Henry finding his own, non-preferred solution.

[snowdragon]

On the other hand, I as a guest who drives would be very put off by being put on the spot, because a host gave my name as a possible ride to another guest.  I would feel I was only invited so I could transport the other person and would be either declining or changing my RSVP to no.

That's a good point. I think it would depend on the attitude. If either the host or the ride-less guest just assumed the driving guest would be able to help out, that wouldn't be cool. But if a name was just put forward as a suggestion, and a polite inquiry was made, I don't see how that would be wrong. Probably a know-your-audience thing.

But on the other hand, what are you going to say as a host? "No, I won't tell you who else is invited"? That could likely lead to someone calling people on their own, and talking to them about an event they aren't invited to, possibly trying to get them to come anyway. Might be better to have some pre-vetted suggestions ready, rather than risk Great-Uncle Henry finding his own, non-preferred solution.

"there's no one near you that I feel I can say would be willing." or something similar. But I think it's a lot to ask someone - They have to leave early from their house, (necessitating them to get ready early - giving up more of their day) and get home later than they would going  straight there and back. And while some folks might not mind once in awhile, being the person/people that hosts  give out your info as a possible ride gets old really quick.  ( No, I don't have any experience with that, why do you ask? seriously, I could stories about this, many here could.)  I think if you (general you)  don't have a license, you need to realize that that comes with consequences and look into cabs and other forms of public transit. 
  If it's not the hosts responsibility to solve, it's even less the responsibility of the other guests. 

[Lynn2000]

Well, just speaking for myself, I would contact the person the host suggested and ask politely if it would be possible for them to give me a ride, not demand they do it. And, I wouldn't contact a stranger--it would be more like, "Which of our mutual friends have been invited? Oh, okay, I'll see if I can get a ride with Betty." And if Betty's like, "No, sorry, not possible," I would look into other options. I think that would be a polite way to handle it. But, I do agree that it depends on several people being polite (host, ride-less guest, driving guest) and in some groups that might not be something one could count on.

I don't think it would be right for a host to give out contact info between strangers who hadn't agreed in advance, just like that wouldn't be right in general. Or to make promises/agreements on behalf of someone.

[shhh its me]

On the other hand, I as a guest who drives would be very put off by being put on the spot, because a host gave my name as a possible ride to another guest.  I would feel I was only invited so I could transport the other person and would be either declining or changing my RSVP to no.

That's a good point. I think it would depend on the attitude. If either the host or the ride-less guest just assumed the driving guest would be able to help out, that wouldn't be cool. But if a name was just put forward as a suggestion, and a polite inquiry was made, I don't see how that would be wrong. Probably a know-your-audience thing.

But on the other hand, what are you going to say as a host? "No, I won't tell you who else is invited"? That could likely lead to someone calling people on their own, and talking to them about an event they aren't invited to, possibly trying to get them to come anyway. Might be better to have some pre-vetted suggestions ready, rather than risk Great-Uncle Henry finding his own, non-preferred solution.

"there's no one near you that I feel I can say would be willing." or something similar. But I think it's a lot to ask someone - They have to leave early from their house, (necessitating them to get ready early - giving up more of their day) and get home later than they would going  straight there and back. And while some folks might not mind once in awhile, being the person/people that hosts  give out your info as a possible ride gets old really quick.  ( No, I don't have any experience with that, why do you ask? seriously, I could stories about this, many here could.)  I think if you (general you)  don't have a license, you need to realize that that comes with consequences and look into cabs and other forms of public transit. 
  If it's not the hosts responsibility to solve, it's even less the responsibility of the other guests.

"let me check."

I don't think its the host responsibility to arrange transportation but  I do think not doing so in some circumstances it can border on a lack of kindness.   

[blarg314]

This is the kind of thing I see as a family thing - if I were arranging a family get-together, and some people didn't drive (or have a car) we'd work it out, not just from the host, but a family perspective ("Who's going to pick up Mom?  Stacy's coming in from university, and will need to be picked up at the train station") Same for something that had people flying in - we'd talk amongst ourselves, and work out a way to get people where they were going without undue hardship, particularly for elderly/frail members, or those who

For large events, or people who were more distant connections, or who invite themselves, I'd say it's up to them to work it out.

I can sympathize with someone who is stuck, though. If you can't drive anymore, and you aren't physically robust enough to handle public transportation, it can be very isolating to want to socialize, be invited, but have to turn it down because you can't get there. It's particularly tricky for an event where you don't know who else is invited, because you can't phone up people to ask if they've been invited to something, but you can't get there unless you can ask for a ride. [Cabs work sometimes, but they can get get very expensive for someone on a fixed income, or a student - an extra $50 to get to and from a social event is not necessarily possible, particularly on a regular basis]

My mom is currently at a family wedding, travelling with my aunt. She drives, but  isn't keen on big city driving, and doesn't want to rent a car in an unfamiliar city and navigate all over the place, and really doesn't want my aunt to do the same (aunt is a scary driver in a familiar environment).  So she talked to various people, they talked to others, and she's got a combination of rides which will get them to see various relatives. Many of them live in small towns which are too far apart to make cabs practical, but aren't served by buses or trains.

[snowdragon]

I can sympathize with someone who is stuck, though. If you can't drive anymore, and you aren't physically robust enough to handle public transportation, it can be very isolating to want to socialize, be invited, but have to turn it down because you can't get there.

yone
  I can sympathize with this, too.  I've been on both ends- but I am not sure that there is a solution that is "fair" to everyone. When I did not drive I decline more than I went, but when I did go with someone else, it was their suggestion not mine or the hosts.
  I also think that hosts and riding guests need to be  aware of what "close" is. Rochester may be "near" Buffalo to those in Columbus or Colorado, but it's really not right to ask someone to drive that distance  to pick up great aunt Sally so she can get there. It's one thing if the trip to pick up Aunt Viki is a slight detour - but having  someone an hour or so (inclusive of both ways) is a bit much, IMHO.
 
I also think it's a whole different scenario when it's a family event and family members are being asked to help out - and a bunch of friends when it's the same people doing all the driving over and over again.

[Raintree]

For elderly family members, I'd probably help them find transportation. For regular people (young, mobile, of sound mind and body), I get kind of annoyed when they expect me to figure out their transportation.

Example: I was crazy-busy moving, but decided to have people over for one last hurrah to say goodbye to the house. Actually, it was my dad's house but I was doing all the work of moving him out of it as he was/is elderly. The get-together was for his entertainment as well. It was a nice, vacation-style home that a lot of people had strongly hinted they wanted to visit, and we never got around to it as life gets busy, etc. So I invited a small crowd of those who had expressed interest in the past. The catch: the house was out-of-the-way and required some complications and expense to get to.

Some drove, some carpooled, some came on public transit, most did not pester me for transportation arrangements. Except one, who kept pestering me: "Nobody wants to carpool with me! Sue's car is full! I don't want to drive myself! How am I going to get there?" She was one of those people you feel obligated to invite although she has always been high-maintenance, and this just reinforced my view of her. I was busy moving! I was busy getting my elderly dad sorted out! It was all I could do just to have people over and throw down a few refreshments and treats! I wanted to do this, but....don't make it more complicated for me! Adults can and should figure these things out amongst themselves.

[lkdrymom]

I don't think the host is rally responcible...it is a nice gesture but not required.  When I had a surprise 80th birthday party for my mother I did make sure one elderly single friend had a ride there.

On the flip side...my BIL is in his 70s. He often goes to events at his niece's house which is at least 2 hours away. They expected him to pick up another elderly relative that was a good 45 minutes out of his way. He felt like he couldn't say no, but he sure resented it.

Then there is the other part....someone asks you to drive an elderly relative. What happens when this relative is ready to go home hours before you intended to leave the event?  I had this happen when I took my father to a wedding last year. By 10pm I had a couple relatives come up to me and tell me that my father was looking tired and I should probably take him home (he wasn't seated with me so I didn't know what he was up to). The party was no where near over.  And it was a 90 minute drive so I just couldn't run him home and come back.

[Raintree]

Then there is the other part....someone asks you to drive an elderly relative. What happens when this relative is ready to go home hours before you intended to leave the event?  I had this happen when I took my father to a wedding last year. By 10pm I had a couple relatives come up to me and tell me that my father was looking tired and I should probably take him home (he wasn't seated with me so I didn't know what he was up to). The party was no where near over.  And it was a 90 minute drive so I just couldn't run him home and come back.

I've had this happen too. Elderly relative ran out of steam before the cake was even served. Luckily a good friend saw how disappointed I was having to leave, and offered to run this person home. I was very, very grateful. (I was closer to the guest of honour than this friend was, so it was less of a big deal to the friend to have to leave early). Just as they say it takes a village to raise a child, I can definitely also vouch that it takes a village to care for an elderly person and it's hard when the onus is always on the same person.