Author Topic: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")  (Read 4587 times)

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menley

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Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« on: August 21, 2013, 07:17:49 AM »
General question: When planning an event, is it impolite not to arrange transportation for guests? This is primarily for elderly guests or those who aren't very mobile.

I ask this because of the "But I haven't been invited" thread. In this thread, an elderly man wants to go to a baptism to see family, but wants his daughter to drive him (despite the daughter not being invited). A number of posters made the comment that if the hosts of the baptism really wanted the man there, they would have arranged transportation for him.


I have never considered this before for events I've planned. For my wedding, my husband and I invited a number of his elderly relatives who do not drive. Normally these relatives get rides to events from other family members (who were also invited to our wedding). However, we didn't have any plans in place to get these elderly folks to the wedding if, for whatever reason, their relatives who normally drive them didn't wish to attend. We wanted them there, but we of course understand that elderly people are sometimes not able to make it to events due to distance, etc. Is it wrong of us not to have arranged alternative transportation for them?


And if it is, how far does it go? A wedding is a fairly big event, so it might not have damaged our budget too much to add in some transportation for them. But in the thread I mentioned earlier, it's a simple baptism. Yet many posters said that the hosts should have considered the man's transportation options. Is that really required for gatherings of such a small nature?

Curious Cat

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2013, 07:35:39 AM »
Hmm good question, and I admit one I've never thought of. I think in general it is up to the guest to arrange for their own transportation but if you have a guest you particularly want to make it to an event and you know might have trouble figuring out a way to get there it would be a kindness to present an option or two (aunt Sally said she would be happy to drive if you need a ride, or please let me pay for a cab to take you to the party, it just wouldn't be a celebration if you weren't here)

*inviteseller

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2013, 07:49:45 AM »
For something as large as a wedding, other than maybe your grandparents, I would say no, you don't have to arrange anything.  There could be various people of all ages who may have transportation issues and it is not up to the bride and groom to make all those arrangements.  For something small, like the baptismal or a birthday party, it would be nice to think of the people you want there and if the distance isn't a huge one (out of state), then I think it is nice if you can get Uncle Joe, who is driving by Grandma's house, to get him to pick her up.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2013, 07:51:39 AM »
I was also suprised at the number of people who felt the hosts should figure out transportation. But I assumed that many of them had large families and they were continually roped into transporting family nmembers back and forth.

I think in our family, we know who needs transportation assistance and who they usually relay on for transport needs, so we normally coordinate with them. Sort of like "Cousin Linda, I was planning to have a lunch for aunt Mabell's birthday. Would you or your sister be able to bring your mom up?" And of course they would both be invited.

But for more distantly relatives, I wouldn't assume it's was my responsibility to make sure every relative had transport to an family wedding.

Goosey

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2013, 08:16:23 AM »
Adult guests of sound mind shouldn't need to have their attendance pre-planned for them.

It's perfectly okay to request assistance, but not necessary for people to pre-arrange it for them.

bopper

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2013, 09:26:49 AM »
This just happened to me.

 
So for DD19's birthday, we are going to take her out to dinner as is our familyís custom.  So I said, why donít we invite my stepmom and her hubby as we havenít seen them in a bit.  Great, they can come.  So I told DH, why donít you ask your parents if they want to come  (out of fairness, and we havenít seen them for a while. The last time they invited us out was on July 4 and we had baseball tickets and really didnít want to deal with Shore/Holiday traffic).  But they donít want to drive at night (DH's dad had a mild stroke this summer), but they said they would come if one of DH's sisters drove.  So he facebooked two of his sisters to see if they could come/drive, and now both of them and their spouses are coming oh and I forgot DH's grandma has to come too (she lives with his parents and I don't think should be left alone for that long!

So now we have 14 people instead of 9 but that is okay.

DaDancingPsych

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2013, 09:52:40 AM »
I would assume that etiquette says that the host is not responsible for transportation, but I think it's wise to take it into consideration. For example, my Aunt Maria does not drive and relies on her grandson Ronald to take her places. If I want my aunt to attend, then I best extend an invitation to Ronald. I think of them as a package deal.

I think that as far as the hosts making the arrangements for the guest, it really comes down to each individual guest. In the case of my Aunt Maria, she is fully capable of arranging her own transportation. If Ronald can't help her, than she has a few nieces who will drive her. Other than ensuring that her typically rides are invited, I think it would be stepping on her toes to make any arrangements for her.

However, my grandmother was a different case in her later years. She had difficulty remembering things, so she was not able to make arrangements for herself. Family knew that my mom was her typical mode of transportation, so they would speak with her. (It was best to do so, as otherwise my grandma would not remember the party or occasion.) If my mom could not, there was a transportation service that would drop her off and pick her up. The fees were minimal, so my mom would make these arrangements if grandma wanted to go. In a few cases, family members knew about the costs and would offer to pay just to have grandma there. I don't think that this was their responsibility, but a truly gracious thing to do.

snowdragon

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2013, 10:04:49 AM »
  I think an adult who is mentally competent, is responsible for their own transportation.  I don't think that making other guests responsible for transporting guests is polite.
  The adult in question can call someone for a ride, but a host should not be extending an invite and then saying "Oh by the bring so and so with you."

cwm

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2013, 10:06:43 AM »
I think any adult of sound mind should be expected to plan transportation for themselves. If the host knows that someone is dependent on someone else for a ride and the host is aware of it, it would be nice to invite the customary ride as well, but it's not necessarily mandated. If for some reason the ride would not be welcome at the gathering, it would be nice to offer alternate transportation to the guest.

If the adult isn't of sound mind, it's completely different. If you really want Great Aunt Agatha at your party but you know she's starting to slip mentally, it might be a good idea to send an invitation to her and send an invitation to someone else close to her and make sure there are arrangements in place for her to get a ride to and from, and for someone to help her remember and possibly get ready.


Lynn2000

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2013, 10:07:14 AM »
I think arranging transportation for guests isn't required by etiquette. But, it is an extra, nice touch the hosts can add if they want. And, it may be the difference between that guest attending or declining, so if it's quite important to the hosts that this guest be there, I would think they'd want to go that extra step. Kind of like, you should check with your top must-be-there guests before booking a wedding date or general location, in case they have a conflict.

As an example, I don't myself drive. I try not to make a big deal of it and tend to get along on my usual chores fine, but if there's something out of the ordinary, like a friend's party, transportation to this new place and back is something I have to work on. Since I tend not to be very social anyway, it's much more likely I'll just decline to attend, rather than try to figure out the bus or a cab. No hard feelings on my part, it's just that at some point the negatives of attending start to outweigh the positives for me.

A couple of friends, however, tend to just matter-of-factly arrange transportation for me along with the invitation--like, "Your parents are invited, too," (so they'll drive me) or "Jane can swing by and pick you up on her way here, if you want." Although that could certainly become dictatorial, in my case it tends to work out well and makes it much, much more likely I'll attend their event. I definitely see it as a nice extra, however, rather than something the hostess must do for me.
~Lynn2000

Sharnita

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2013, 10:19:14 AM »
This came up when my relative's DH died trgically and unexpectedly. My sis got married a  few months later. We weren't going to invite all of "aunt's" kids because while they are all very nice they are pretty distant relatives and live busy lives. Asking them to come would feel gift grabby. Still, we wanted aunt and knew making the trip would be overwhelming, not to mention attending on her own. We invited "Aunt and guest" and called to tell her we hoped to see her with whichever family member or friend who could make the trip with her. She came with her DD.

NyaChan

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2013, 11:34:18 AM »
I may have mentioned this in other threads, but there is an elderly couple my parents have known for 20 years, who moved in with their daughter after the husband got badly hurt and became ill.  My parents occasionally invite them separately from the kids so that they both get a night off and you can tell just by looking that the husband is excited to be socializing the way he used to be able to.  His mobility issues are such that he can't leave the house without one of his Son-in-Laws to assist.  My dad chooses to go pick the couple up and bring them back.  The SILs would absolutely do it, but my parents figure that they want the people they invited to be able to attend freely and without any worry of how they will get there or if it will inconvenience someone else. 

So for me, this is generally an extra where you have no reason to think that someone would have trouble getting there.  But for some reason, it seems off to invite someone to an event that you know they can't get to without help.  We don't have public transportation in our town and I've never seen a cab (probably have some "downtown" if you can call it that).  If I invite someone I know has no driver's license while their spouse is out of town, am I really inviting them if I don't offer some option for transportation?
« Last Edit: August 21, 2013, 11:37:21 AM by NyaChan »

siamesecat2965

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2013, 01:03:35 PM »
Like so many things, I think it depends. I come from a small family, so in my grandmother's later years, it fell to me to pick her up, and bring her home. esp after my mom broke her leg, and due to other issues, was now in a wheelchair. while she eventually could drive, she couldn't help Grandma carry her things, etc. something like that I had no issue with at all; it wasn't far, and it was grandma

for something larger, I don't think its the hosts' responsibility, but it is nice, if they can help out certain folks who might not be able to attend otherwise.

not transportation, but the daughter of my grandmother's neighbors got married, and she was invited. she didn't feel comfortable going to the reception, but accepted going to the church, and I took her. It was literally across the street from her apt, so we walked over, attended the ceremony, she got to say hello to everyone in the receiving line, and then we went home.  everyone was fine with me "crashing" since she otherwise wouldn't have been able to go, and she had known the bride since she was a baby.

DottyG

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2013, 01:07:26 PM »
I would assume that etiquette says that the host is not responsible for transportation, but I think it's wise to take it into consideration. For example, my Aunt Maria does not drive and relies on her grandson Ronald to take her places. If I want my aunt to attend, then I best extend an invitation to Ronald. I think of them as a package deal.

^  That


CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Arranging Transportation (s/o "But I haven't been invited")
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2013, 07:02:30 PM »
. . . We invited "Aunt and guest" and called to tell her we hoped to see her with whichever family member or friend who could make the trip with her. She came with her DD.
This is the solution that came to my mind.  If you know someone needs a caretaker or a driver, give them the "plus one" option.  The phone call is a nice gesture.   
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