Author Topic: "You must be really relieved..."  (Read 2143 times)

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Millicent63

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"You must be really relieved..."
« on: January 07, 2007, 11:41:47 PM »
My mom died Dec. 13 after a protracted struggle with cancer.  Up until the last 6 weeks we really thought there was hope of successful chemotheraphy, at least to buy a year or two.  Overall it was about a 15-month battle and she died -- a formely energetic, witty, hard working person -- a comatose wreck at the relatively young age of 68.

I made it back to work three weeks later --  last week.  Most people were more than kind, compassionate and discreet since my normally stoic demeanor hs been taxed to the limit just trying not to cry during the work day.  Get this: one woman, late 50s, kind of a quiet prissy mousey type, came over and expressed condolences.  Then she perched on the edge of my desk, perked up, smiled and said "But, you have to be feeling relieved that it is finally all over with!"  And actually chuckled!

Did you ever???  I am seldom speechless but nearly rolled out of my chair.  In a few moments I rather icily replied that I would relive the entire ordeal just to get five minute with my mother.  That shut her up and she scuttled away.  I still am dumbfounded that anyone could be so insensitive and presumptuous.  For the record this is a woman with an extensive professional resume who until recently made her living as a communication guru/trainer in a highly volatile industry. 

IndianInlaw

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2007, 11:44:57 PM »
People are idiots.

I'm sorry about your mom.

Brentwood

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2007, 11:45:30 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm very sorry your coworker hurt you. That must have been hard. I suppose she meant well, but she was incredibly insensitive to your feelings.

audrey1962

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2007, 11:45:40 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Despite her resume, your co-worker lacks communication skills and compassion. I'd have responded the same. Hopefully she will learn from this and never say such a thing again.

RuneGuardian

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2007, 12:22:43 AM »
I hope someone asks her how relieved she feels when someone close to her passes away. That will probably be the only way she'll ever come close to realizing how cold her statement to you was.
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Elly

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2007, 12:59:34 AM »
Millicent, I'm sorry about your Mom. I lost my dear mother to cancer almost 18 years ago, and I know it's not an easy time, especially dealing with morons.

Unless someone has gone through it, there is no way they can understand how it feels to lose someone so close to them, someone who can't be replaced. Remember that maybe they just don't know what to say and let it roll off as best you can. It doesn't excuse WHAT they say, but it may help you to cope. Sure, you're relieved she isn't suffering anymore, but helping someone through an illness isn't an ordeal you hope will soon be over. She obviously has no clue.

Grieve in your own time and your own way. Time does help, and I've found it's not something you get over but something you get used to. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mom, but in time it will be easier to smile about memories rather than cry. Be gentle with yourself and just get through one day at a time. I hope you have someone close you can talk to, because it does help.

Hugs to you and your family.

Gileswench

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2007, 02:25:25 AM »
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Milicent.

Some people don't know what to say in the face of raw grief, but feel they must say something. Combine that with the urge to cheer someone up...and sometimes the result is like pouring salt in the wounds of the bereaved.

The one that drove me nuts after my dear mother's death was 'you must be very angry.' I wasn't, but I had all these people trying to tell me what I felt and getting it completely wrong. I know they meant well, but it certainly didn't help.

As Emily said, it's something you can't entirely understand until you go through it. All I can say is I hope these people live in ignorance for a very long time to come...but learn to ask the recently bereaved how they're feeling rather than telling them how they feel. It's possible to learn a bit of grace without suffering the full lesson of losing someone important.

Minmom3

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2007, 02:46:36 AM »
The insensitivity and callousness is breath taking!  I am horrified that that woman thought she was appropriate in her remarks and laughed!  I would hope that you can possibly write a note to HR or to her directly and say that you were greatly offended by her comments, and that she would do better to keep such thoughts to herself in the future.

I haven't lost my mother yet, she's got a good few more years in her.  I have lost my father, though, to diabetes and Alzheimer's.  He lived in CT and I'm on the opposite coast in California.  He died in a hospital, which DID relieve me, because, being the stubborn old man he was, I was deeply afraid that he could die alone in his apartment and not get found for days and days.  Or, alone on bus bench in winter.  Those were my fears, so I was very grateful that he died being taken care of as best they could.  People who knew me knew I had a fairly distant relationship with him most of my life, and NONE when I was little, by his own choice.  And still, nobody said anything to me other than how sorry they were that I had lost him.  Because, for Pete's sake, that's the normal, humane and kind thing to say to somebody who's just lost a parent.
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Gigi

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2007, 03:24:02 AM »
Losing a mother is one of the worst things that happens to most of us and not really comprehensible until it does happen. People do say and do the most inane things during crisis times, and bereavement seems to me a time that brings out the stupid in a lot of them.  I think people do not know what to say, feel that a simple "I'm sorry" is insufficient, and try to come up with something comforting. Sometimes that just totally backfires.  I'm sorry you were confronted with this.

Sending you hugs and the hope that the good memories of your mother will comfort you.  It does get easier with time. Be very good to yourself and be careful about getting enough sleep, staying warm and nourishing food.  Your immune system takes a wallop during times like these so it's important to be extra careful during the next several weeks.  Take care.

sammycat

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2007, 03:51:59 AM »
Millicent63, I am very sorry to hear about the death of your mum.  What your co-worker said was stupid and completely uncalled for.

My cousin nursed her mother during her battle with cancer.  During this time she had dealings with social security, and to cut a long story short, was asked to retrain to enter the workforce. My cousin had no problem with retraining but asked that it all be set aside for the time being as she was nursing her dying mother (amongst other things).  The social services woman replied, "well okay then, but it'll be good then when your mother finally does die as then you'll have extra time to devote to training".  I was soooooo angry when cousin told me this.  Talk about unbelievable! >:(

supernova

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2007, 06:50:24 AM »
In a perfect world...  there'd be a class in high school called "Polite Responsible Adulthood."  In that class, everyone would be expected to memorize the following phrases:

"I am so sorry for your loss."
"How are you doing?"
"Please let me know if there's anything I can do."

There's no excuse for saying "You must be so relieved."  I sincerely applaud you for not backhanding her into next week.  I'm not so sure I wouldn't have.

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Alida

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2007, 06:50:44 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss.

Relieved?!  I know there are times people can be at a loss for something appropriate to say, but it seems as if she didn't even try to search for something comforting. 

sillysquirrel

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2007, 08:32:32 AM »
I feel your pain. My Best friend recently lost her husband to brain cancer. A horrible ordeal that lasted for many years. So she left work to take care of him.

I always kept my mom up on the latest news on how they were both doing. Then she actually had the nerve to one day to ask me "Is it worth it?" Um, this is her husband whom she loves very much!! Yah, I would say it is worth it. Some people.
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ettacat

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2007, 08:35:31 AM »
My grandfather gave me away at my wedding. I was close to him. He died Christmas Day, 2000. I will fully admit I was relieved in his case. He had been seriously ill for a few years, and his whole quality of life was nil. My grandmother took care of him, with the rest of us helping when we could. Grandma was tired and Grandpa was tired. He was ready to go "home".

Yes, I was relieved, although I miss him. I would never want to repeat his last few years.

However, what that woman said was very insensitive. I would never ever say that to anyone else who has lost a loved one. It is better to stick with something that could not be misconstrued as insensitive. Grief and loss are very personal. What I felt is not going to be what someone else feels.

To the OP: I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Pixie

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Re: "You must be really relieved..."
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2007, 10:36:15 AM »
Losing a mother is one of the worst things that happens to most of us and not really comprehensible until it does happen. People do say and do the most inane things during crisis times, and bereavement seems to me a time that brings out the stupid in a lot of them.  I think people do not know what to say, feel that a simple "I'm sorry" is insufficient, and try to come up with something comforting. Sometimes that just totally backfires.  I'm sorry you were confronted with this.

Sending you hugs and the hope that the good memories of your mother will comfort you.  It does get easier with time. Be very good to yourself and be careful about getting enough sleep, staying warm and nourishing food.  Your immune system takes a wallop during times like these so it's important to be extra careful during the next several weeks.  Take care.



I totally agree with this.  Sometimes not knowing what to say, yet feeling a need to say something, just brings out the stupid in people.    I am so sorry for your loss.   
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