Author Topic: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?  (Read 7295 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2013, 02:29:31 PM »
I've asked my husband not to order a meal made of rabbit in my company, as I had rabbits as pets growing up.  I realize it is not appropriate for me to tell my SO what he can and can not eat, but in this case, I have a hard time recognizing the meal on the plate as 'meat' and not as a 'beloved pet,' and he's been patient with me for that. I have made sure that he knows that he is free to order rabbit whenever he goes out to eat without me.

I would want to know that something causes my partner serious distress so I could avoid it- I don't consider that unreasonable.

Quote
is it okay to ask your SO not to go out a certain night because you REALLY want to spend time with them and it is your only free night? I

Depends on how you do it. "Honey, Wednesday is my only free night this week. I'd really like to get together and have dinner, then take a walk. Can you give your gaming group a miss this week?" is much better than "How dare you make plans for Wednesday when you know it's my only free day! I don't care that it's your regular gaming night! You're supposed to think about me first!"

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Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Shea

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2013, 07:05:46 PM »
Theoretically you can ask your partner to do, or not do, just about anything, whether it's to refrain from wearing orange socks or to not cheat on you. What you have to consider is "Is this a hill to die on or can I deal if zie says no?"

The only appearance demand I've made to my husband is a strict "No Comb-over" rule.

Ha! My only appearance rule for my BF is "no mustache". I'm sure some men do look good with a 'stache, but to me, they make younger guys look creepy. Fortunately, BF prefers a full beard because that way he doesn't have to shave ::).

Anyway, as others have said, this is a relationship thing, not an etiquette thing. Personally, I don't mind my BF hanging out with his ex, because it's been years since they dated, and now they're just friends. But the same thing might not work in another relationship, and that's not wrong. It's all down to communication.


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MrTango

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2013, 07:31:11 PM »
The limit is when the SO decides to break up with the asker because they are feeling smothered/mother-henned.

Winterlight

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #18 on: September 13, 2013, 12:35:20 PM »
Or when the asker breaks up with SO because they've realized going on "dates" with an ex is a dealbreaker for them and SO refuses to stop.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
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Caroline Lake Ingalls

EllenS

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2013, 01:21:31 PM »
I think being able to ask for/talk about/reach compromises on things that are emotionally significant for you, is an excellent measure of how well you communicate, how much intimacy you have achieved, and whether you are compatible.

If you feel that you can't ask for something that is important to you, there is a barrier in the relationship somewhere (or in your own feelings) and you are not being fully open/authentic about who you are and what you need. This will eventually turn into resentment and hurt the relationship.

If your SO is unwilling to discuss/make accomodation of any kind for things that are really important to you, there is a lack of respect from the SO, or a fundamental incompatability that you will either have to accept or break up over.

If you cannot maintain a relationship unless your SO agrees to every-single-thing you ask, no matter how big or small, then there is a lack of respect from you towards SO.

blarg314

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Re: Is there a limit to what you can ask a SO NOT to do?
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2013, 04:22:56 AM »

I'd summarize it as...

There is not limit to what you can *ask* an SO to do or not to do.

There will definitely be a limit on what *your* particular SO will be willing to do or not do.

If what you ask regularly exceeds what they are willing to do, then the relationship is in trouble.