Author Topic: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26  (Read 8431 times)

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Nemesis

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #30 on: August 25, 2013, 08:37:55 PM »
Yeah sorry, I don't get why someone with two children needs so much time off and so many "breaks" and "help".  Sure, having kids is a lot of work but it's work that you mostly have to do yourself because that's what being a parent entails.  I can not for the life of me imagine expecting a sibling to watch my children so that I could pack for a trip.  Huh?  I have always packed for trips after the kids were in bed for the night, or just did it while they were otherwise entertained playing.  Expecting free "help" from family for things that are not even remotely emergencies of parenting is being a special snowflake. Sure, it's nice to have family help if someone is sick, or has to work, or even for an OCASSIONAL night out, but three times a week to do normal housework?  That seems lazy and entitled to me.
I absolutely agree with this.

And the whole thing about needing you for a walking tour...seriously, what was that?

As the parent, you either train your kids until you can take them out without falling apart, or you stay home. These are natural consequences of becoming a parent. And packing for a trip does not require a babysitter. You either get the kids to help out (I keep my three year old busy by making her run up and down to get me small items like socks), or like miranova, do it late at night when she's asleep.

As for the dad doing "babysitting", this is ridiculous. If my spouse claims that "babysitting" is too much for him, I would have told him not to make babies then. Once you make one, you suck it up and learn the ropes. It is a matter of choice, whether he wants to do it or not. And I don't complain if the kid is in mismatched clothes or if she ate cake for lunch when he is on child duty.

They are taking advantage of you because when you're there, they DON'T have to suck it up and do what parents must do. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your sister made the choice to have kids, and then dumped them onto you and your mother when she's overwhelmed (which is often). I have no sympathy for her. Spending time playing with grandkids and nephews is not the same as babysitting. Her idea of letting grandma "spend time with the kids" is seriously flawed.

blarg314

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #31 on: August 25, 2013, 09:48:30 PM »

Good for you - it sounds like you're making a good start. It may take some time to really get the point across, but it sounds like your family will take no for an answer when you're firm.

As far as your sister goes - the reason she can let her husband off from parenting responsibilities is because she can farm off his parenting on the rest of her family. Instead of one parent watching and the other packing, she can send the kids off to your place, and your mother (or by proxy, you) will handle it.

It sounds like your BIL is a father of the old school - what would have been unremarkable 50 or 60 years ago. He earns a salary, loves his kids, will play with them on occasion,  but regards anything to do with raising them as the mother's responsibility, and is kind of uneasy being alone with them. If that's the family arrangement they want, that's totally their decision. But they have to handle the results of the decision, which is that the mother does basically everything. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another pair of hands when you're out with the kids doing something. It can be a chance to do something you normally wouldn't do, and a chance to spend time with someone outside of our own house. But - it needs to be voluntary for the person who is coming along, and you can't take advantage of it or demand it.

The OP is running into a classic problem that crop up with doing nice things for people. Often, when you are always there doing the nice thing, it becomes expected, and not appreciated for what it is, and taken advantage of. If you find this happening, it doesn't mean that you have to stop doing the nice thing, but it can help to not always be there on demand so they  appreciate it more, and realize that you're doing them a favour.

As far as escaping goes - coffee shops can be a good place to study, if you don't abuse the system (ie, you have to buy something reasonable, and if it's busy you shouldn't hog a table for hours and and hours). In the summer, take your books/laptop and a blanket and go to the park.  During a week day, a food court in a mall can be pretty quiet - get a snack and study for a while.


YummyMummy66

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #32 on: August 25, 2013, 09:50:28 PM »
I think you have to think about something...

When you have your own kids someday, will you still be expected to babysit?  (Oh, now, sis is staying home with her kid(s), she can surely watch mine too), or will your siblings ever do for you what you did/do for them?

AmethystAnne

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #33 on: August 25, 2013, 10:11:19 PM »
I think you have to think about something...

When you have your own kids someday, will you still be expected to babysit?  (Oh, now, sis is staying home with her kid(s), she can surely watch mine too), or will your siblings ever do for you what you did/do for them?

Good point!

SplishFish

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. UPDATE #10
« Reply #34 on: August 26, 2013, 11:39:33 AM »

Here's a phrase I recommend you start using:  "Are you asking me to babysit for you?"
Make them be up front about actually asking you, instead of just assuming you'll do it.

Then you can respond, "Sorry, I'm busy with schoolwork" or "Sorry, I'm just not up for that this week".  Or even once in a while, "OK, I can help you out this time" if you're willing.  But this way they can't take you for granted, and maybe they'll become more aware of how much they're asking of you.  Train them to actually ask you directly when they want something from you, so you can make your own plans and decisions instead of being roped into things.
Good luck!  You're doing great!
In addition to the bolded, I recommend finding out the going rate for babysitters in your area and charging for your time. "Are you asking me to babysit? That will be $x per hour. Cash due at pick-up."

If you're going to be doing the work you may as well have the financial compensation.  You'll either get some extra cash (maybe save toward moving out or getting transporation for yourself) or they will stop asking when it's not free.

bopper

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #35 on: August 26, 2013, 12:04:05 PM »
Another idea "Hey sis, I don't mine helping out once in a while but it is getting to the point that I am being required to clear MY schedule when Mom agrees to watch YOUR kids...and sometimes when their father is available!  So I will give you  2 hours free a week, after that I charge $10/hour."

gramma dishes

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. UPDATE #10
« Reply #36 on: August 26, 2013, 12:22:56 PM »

In addition to the bolded, I recommend finding out the going rate for babysitters in your area and charging for your time. "Are you asking me to babysit? That will be $x per hour. Cash due at pick-up."

If you're going to be doing the work you may as well have the financial compensation.  You'll either get some extra cash (maybe save toward moving out or getting transporation for yourself) or they will stop asking when it's not free.

Another idea "Hey sis, I don't mine helping out once in a while but it is getting to the point that I am being required to clear MY schedule when Mom agrees to watch YOUR kids...and sometimes when their father is available!  So I will give you  2 hours free a week, after that I charge $10/hour."

I agree with both of those posts, but I think we're kind of forgetting here that it isn't really so much the sister who's asking for the OP's time.  For all Sister knows, OP's mother is doing the babysitting.  She's the one who's agreeing to 'have the kids' and then she palms off the actual care of the kids to OP. 

I think the first step is exactly what OP has already done -- let Mom know she isn't going to take over the work the Mom agreed to.  THEN, if that doesn't work, let sister know she either expects compensation or is only willing to babysit the kids for a certain number of hours per week -- and at her convenience.  (Actually Bopper's post does address that.  Sorry Bopper!)

AnnaJ

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #37 on: August 26, 2013, 05:07:06 PM »
I think you have to think about something...

When you have your own kids someday, will you still be expected to babysit?  (Oh, now, sis is staying home with her kid(s), she can surely watch mine too), or will your siblings ever do for you what you did/do for them?

Is the OP pregnant?  I didn't see that a post, must have missed it.

gramma dishes

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #38 on: August 26, 2013, 05:44:14 PM »
I think you have to think about something...

When you have your own kids someday, will you still be expected to babysit?  (Oh, now, sis is staying home with her kid(s), she can surely watch mine too), or will your siblings ever do for you what you did/do for them?

Is the OP pregnant?  I didn't see that a post, must have missed it.

I think it's just a hypothetical "in the possible future" question.  Would the Sis with kids now be willing to take care of OP's kids should she ever have any at some time in the future.

Firecat

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #39 on: August 26, 2013, 07:07:50 PM »
I think you have to think about something...

When you have your own kids someday, will you still be expected to babysit?  (Oh, now, sis is staying home with her kid(s), she can surely watch mine too), or will your siblings ever do for you what you did/do for them?

Is the OP pregnant?  I didn't see that a post, must have missed it.

I think it's just a hypothetical "in the possible future" question.  Would the Sis with kids now be willing to take care of OP's kids should she ever have any at some time in the future.

That's how I read it, too.

Slight tangent: I wish that people would say "IF you have kids in the future," rather than "WHEN you have kids in the future..." because not everyone will have kids, for various reasons ranging from but not limited to infertility to choosing to be childfree.

AnnaJ

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Re: Thank you: a first victory in keeping my time mine. Update #10, #26
« Reply #40 on: August 26, 2013, 10:41:54 PM »
"Slight tangent: I wish that people would say "IF you have kids in the future," rather than "WHEN you have kids in the future..." because not everyone will have kids, for various reasons ranging from but not limited to infertility to choosing to be childfree."

This.  I thought I had missed something because most places I post don't assume that every woman wants to or can have children.