Author Topic: Wife is the breadwinner  (Read 9087 times)

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asb8

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #45 on: August 25, 2013, 01:35:56 PM »
I'm saying this is the situation, this is what I think based on the info I get on a regular basis from my mother. Do other people see a problem in the situation, have they been in it themselves so I can say sonething to my mother. She doesn't allow herself to be beandipped!

Then you will have to learn how or you will have to be blunt and tell her you Will Not Discuss the subject.  The mechanics/finances/decisions of your sisters marriage are of absolutely no concern to you or your mother and anything otherwise is completely inappropriate your sister has made her choices and unless she says something directly to you, Stay Out of It. 

I can't imagine your sister would be at all please to know that not only have posted details about her marriage on a public message board, you have passed judgment on that information as well.

edgypeanuts

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #46 on: August 25, 2013, 02:14:09 PM »
Do other people see a problem in the situation, have they been in it themselves so I can say something to my mother. She doesn't allow herself to be beandipped!

I don't discuss this with my sister. I do think she has made her own choice.

I do not see a problem.  I would mention it to my sister, just as an aside that Mom is concerned and that maybe she is not the best to vent to.  Your sister may then let you know if this is a problem or not. 

Marriages are all different.  My husband I often take trips etc separately.  We love to be together, but we also like our alone time and we have different interests.  I know it seems odd to my mom when I mention that he is going to City for a show and I am staying home or going to visit friends, because that is not how most people do things,  But she loves him dearly and knows that this is what works for us. 
We also have somewhat different priorities as far as money goes, but we will both concede if something is more important to the other.  For example, I think that our living room did not need repainting just because we are getting a new floor, but my husband really wanted a fresh coat of paint before the floor goes in.  It is not a big deal to me, so we repainted. 

I could see the furnature being like that- I would have been fine with just Ikea, but he wanted the better stuff.  It wasn't a big deal to me and I liked the other furnature so we went for it.  It all comes down to how comfortable your sister is with things and so far I am not seeing that as a problem.  The first year of marriage is a lot of adjustment. 

I think the gold digger comments are out of line, he is an engineer- he has already had a lot of schooling and a decent job.  He is currently in school not sitting around.  Part of his tendency to spend money may be because he had a decent lifestyle as an engineer, if things are getting out of control then that is something the two of them need to discuss. 

There are lots of ways to do things and different is not wrong.  My husband and I retain separate accounts and just split up who pays which bills.  It is all our money and we do not get into splitting hairs, but it is easier for me to pay bills on my schedule and we have different ways of setting up our accounts.  It is weird I suppose that we share money but have separate banks, but once again, we talk and it works for us. 

I would tell your mom that your sister is a smart capable woman and she can rein in her husband if she feels she needs to.  One of my nieces married a guy who switches jobs frequently and does other things that would drive me nuts, but he treats he well and loves her and is a great Dad.  She is happy and that is the bottom line. 

veryfluffy

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #47 on: August 25, 2013, 02:23:30 PM »
One thing to keep in mind, is that I would really wonder about how accurate your mother's information is. She has 'traditional' views on gender roles, so already is not predisposed to like the situation. And, your sister never talks to you about it. This makes me wonder if your mother is really putting her own spin on the situation.

I think this is an excellent point. It is all hearsay, coming from someone who has a clear bias against the situation.
   

suzieQ

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #48 on: August 25, 2013, 02:44:54 PM »
How is he a gold digger if he's going back to school? He IS planning on working again, he's paying for his own school. It's an arrangement the sister agreed to.

Stay at home husbands aren't automatically gold diggers because they don't have income. That's an inconcievable assertion to me.

During the year they were engaged my sister was in the process of buying a house, which my parents were helping her with. He got very involved in the process, even emailing my parents directly with more expensive properties suggesting they help a bit more and go over their budget. Eventually a smaller house was settled on and my sister and my parents put down a large deposit. They then started to shop for furniture. My sis obviously wanted him to be involved as he would soon be moving in, but he pressed her to spend more and more money. She would have got everything from IKEA if she had a choice but he pushed for 'proper' furniture because it was their marital home and he wanted it to be nice. She paid for everything and to came to much much more than she wanted to pay. She would rather have built up their possessions but he wanted everything now.


He wants them to live a lifestyle they just can't afford until he is working as well.

They have just been in India for a wedding of his cousin who works out there and is marrying a local girl. My sister has paid for the flights and their accomodation at a 5 star hotel where all his family were staying. The family were all staying there for 10 days for a relaxing holiday, which is what my sis wanted to do as well, despite the cost (she dipped into savings), as she works such long hours she just wanted a break. however he wanted to see more of India and booked them onto a 5 day tour of the main cities and sights in the region.

She also drives a car that's a bit of an old banger but she loves it. However he is pushing her to get something new because he says it doesn't look good or fit her persona as a doctor! He has a little Golf that his parents helped him buy.


For 6 months of this first year of marriage she also had to work in a hospital 4 hours away, living in doctor's accommodation. She travelled home whenever she could, but it was often every 10 to 14 days. He only visited her once, preferring to spend time with his friends, saying she only had a single bed there and it wasn't comfortable. She would arrive home late in the evening for a 2 day visit and find no food in the fridge and him out with friends.  The one time he did go and visit her, he said to my Mum - "I had forgotten how much fun Emily is" we had a really nice weekend. She is HIS WIFE!!!!!!

************************************
My opinion of him being a gold digger is based on the bolded. Because he wants her to spend money she is making and doesn't want to spend on stuff. He is apparently pressuring her to spend more than she is comfortable spending. It has nothing to do with the staying at home part, it's the spending more than she wants to when she is the one making the money.

« Last Edit: August 25, 2013, 02:54:56 PM by suzieQ »

Two Ravens

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #49 on: August 25, 2013, 02:48:55 PM »
How is he a gold digger if he's going back to school? He IS planning on working again, he's paying for his own school. It's an arrangement the sister agreed to.

Stay at home husbands aren't automatically gold diggers because they don't have income. That's an inconcievable assertion to me.

Because he wants her to spend money she is making and doesn't want to spend on stuff. He is apparently pressuring her to spend more than she is comfortable spending. It has nothing to do with the staying at home part, it's the spending more than she wants to when she is the one making the money.

We don't know if this is true. Everything is being filtered through the OP's mother. The mother could be projecting her own ideas onto the OP's sister's statement.

sparksals

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #50 on: August 25, 2013, 02:50:35 PM »
It's not my business. But I have to listen to my mother get very cross about it. Just wondered what other people's opinions were.


It is none of your mother's business either. 

sparksals

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #51 on: August 25, 2013, 02:53:29 PM »
Wow, OK. To clarify:

My sister talks to my mum, my mum worries and she tells me, wanting to discuss it. She is also very traditional and believes in traditional marriage roles and can't get her head around a man willing to live off his wife. That's how I know everything I know.

I have never brought this up with my sister and have never discussed her relationship or talked badly about her husband. Because they live several hours from me and are very busy I don't see them that often which is why I don't know my BIL very well so my opinion is mostly on what I hear. I talk to my sis on the phone all the time, but we never discuss him.

I have tried telling my mum that they are adults, in an adult relationship and she should leave them to it, but it doesn't work. She is very overprotective of my sister as her youngest and she gets more cross if I say it's none of her business.

I posted everything here in the hope of getting an opinion from outside of my family. I guess that was clearly a bad move.


Just because your mother is traditional and has beliefs in traditional marriage, doesn't mean your sister and husband believe the same things.   It is obvious they don't believe as your mother does.


Why was it a bad move?  Because everyone has disagreed with you?  You have been a member here long enough to know you take your chances posting and that you will be told what you don't want to hear.

sparksals

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #52 on: August 25, 2013, 02:55:41 PM »
My opinion is that he is a gold-digger. I would have the same opinion if the roles were reversed, with the woman doing all the spending. But your sister married him knowing this about him. You can't do anything about it but bean dip when your Mom wants to talk about it, or simply tell your Mom it's none of anyone's business how they run their marriage. Sister needs to stop talking about it to Mom and talk about it to her husband.


I don't think he is a gold digger.  I think he doesn't have good responsibility with money. 


The guy is highly educated.  He successfully became an Engineer.  A very noble and highly educated profession and not an easy programme to take at university. 


Now he is going to Medical school.  It seems he does have high aspirations. 

suzieQ

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2013, 02:58:14 PM »
My opinion is that he is a gold-digger. I would have the same opinion if the roles were reversed, with the woman doing all the spending. But your sister married him knowing this about him. You can't do anything about it but bean dip when your Mom wants to talk about it, or simply tell your Mom it's none of anyone's business how they run their marriage. Sister needs to stop talking about it to Mom and talk about it to her husband.


I don't think he is a gold digger.  I think he doesn't have good responsibility with money. 


The guy is highly educated.  He successfully became an Engineer.  A very noble and highly educated profession and not an easy programme to take at university. 


Now he is going to Medical school.  It seems he does have high aspirations.

I do agree with you there. I'll adjust my opinion to financially irresponsible.  8)

sparksals

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #54 on: August 25, 2013, 03:00:12 PM »
How is he a gold digger if he's going back to school? He IS planning on working again, he's paying for his own school. It's an arrangement the sister agreed to.

Stay at home husbands aren't automatically gold diggers because they don't have income. That's an inconcievable assertion to me.

Because he wants her to spend money she is making and doesn't want to spend on stuff. He is apparently pressuring her to spend more than she is comfortable spending. It has nothing to do with the staying at home part, it's the spending more than she wants to when she is the one making the money.

We don't know if this is true. Everything is being filtered through the OP's mother. The mother could be projecting her own ideas onto the OP's sister's statement.


Yes and we know how accurate info is transferred during telephone game.  The mom is definitely putting her own spin on it.


miranova

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #55 on: August 25, 2013, 03:17:48 PM »
One partner wanting to spend more than the other on furniture, housing, cars and vacations is pretty typical.  Personally I wouldn't marry someone who had such vastly different ideas on personal finances than I do, however it is hardly an uncommon marital issue and doesn't make someone a gold digger.  The only problem I had was with the husband sending his future in-laws an email suggesting that their gift toward their house down payment should be increased.  IF this actually happened, that is completely awful and a horrendous etiquette violation.  That would be a huge red flag for me.  It's not his money, they were doing something nice by offering them a gift and the ONLY proper response is THANK YOU (or declining a monetary gift entirely). 

However, what's done is done.  It's in the past, and the sister went ahead with the marriage even after seeing that side of him.  It is her problem to deal with now.

shhh its me

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #56 on: August 25, 2013, 03:21:02 PM »
How is he a gold digger if he's going back to school? He IS planning on working again, he's paying for his own school. It's an arrangement the sister agreed to.

Stay at home husbands aren't automatically gold diggers because they don't have income. That's an inconcievable assertion to me.

Because he wants her to spend money she is making and doesn't want to spend on stuff. He is apparently pressuring her to spend more than she is comfortable spending. It has nothing to do with the staying at home part, it's the spending more than she wants to when she is the one making the money.

Even if it is true so what(that he wants he to spend more on things then she does not that he's a golddigger) Finances are one of the thing couples frequently argue about.   If it was " I want a sports car , get me one for Christmas. I need a Rolex for my birthday and we should get a villa" I might say hmm "maybe gold-digger."  but "I don't want to have temporary furniture and you should get yourself a nicer car."   She can and does say no. He saved up enough to pay for medical school so he's not a total penniless spend thrift and she saved enough so that they could travel international for 2 weeks in a 5 star resort , buy house and furnish it fully.  I could reverse this just as easily " I've gone back to school to become a doctor like my husband , we'll have more in common and our incomes will be closer once I'm done. He knew this was my plan when we got engaged. Now he makes me grovel to buy anything other then flat-pack furniture, I wasn't suggesting we go into debt  he wants to get everything at ikea and I said "no we need nicer furniture and we have the money in the bank it and it still leaves us with a substantial savings. We don't have car payments and our house payment is affordable.  We're suppose to be a team I don't think its reasonable to put everything in our lives on hold until I'm working too. We just don't need this much savings. We don't take any of the weekend trips I suggest and he wants to save on our vacations."

He may be near the extreme side of spending but she sounds to be near the extreme side of saving as well , hopefully they will balance each other out.

shhh its me

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #57 on: August 25, 2013, 03:32:16 PM »
One partner wanting to spend more than the other on furniture, housing, cars and vacations is pretty typical.  Personally I wouldn't marry someone who had such vastly different ideas on personal finances than I do, however it is hardly an uncommon marital issue and doesn't make someone a gold digger.  The only problem I had was with the husband sending his future in-laws an email suggesting that their gift toward their house down payment should be increased.  IF this actually happened, that is completely awful and a horrendous etiquette violation.  That would be a huge red flag for me.  It's not his money, they were doing something nice by offering them a gift and the ONLY proper response is THANK YOU (or declining a monetary gift entirely). 

However, what's done is done.  It's in the past, and the sister went ahead with the marriage even after seeing that side of him.  It is her problem to deal with now.

This I agree with too.  I think its possible that Sis and parents had an idea "we will put XX down and that will be YY percent down" and his idea may have been "put xx amount down but lower the YY /2  percent "

From what op has said it sounds like their idea of how much saves and debt makes a couple financially secure may be vastly different.

Amara

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #58 on: August 25, 2013, 03:35:14 PM »
So much good advice from other eHellions. I will just add that I think the best route for you to go is to call your sister and tell her that everything she shares with Mom gets passed on to you. And because you feel that her marriage is private maybe she should consider sharing any problems with a professional therapist who can actually help rather than Mom who uses the information to reinforce her own thoughts about the marriage. I especially like what one previous poster mentioned and that is whatever Mom learns will color not just now but forever her view of her son-in-law, and that won't make for good relations down the road.

As for dealing with Mom, I agree you shouldn't bother beandipping, just walk away or hang up at the first mention of it.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Wife is the breadwinner
« Reply #59 on: August 25, 2013, 03:49:35 PM »
OP, I do understand why your mother is concerned with whatever it is she is hearing from your sister.  It does seem as if your BIL is taking advantage of her by the way he spends money coupled with being tone deaf to her needs (like booking a tour when she wants to stay put).
 
But, your sister is not a victim.  She knew that he was going to medical school before they were married.  She knew that he made these decisions that would greatly change what their life together would be and she still married him.

Now, people do stupid things for love all the time.  They ignore red flags and they give up their own dreams and aspirations in favor of what someone else wants.  It's unfortunate but it happens all the time.

Given that he is using "his own money" to pay for school while using money that your sister earns for every thing else it does seem to me that he is using her.  But, she is allowing herself to be used.

There is a certain power in playing the victim and that what it seems your sis is doing in complaining to your mom all the time.

You say: What I do have a problem with is that he proposed shortly after, knowing that he had no job, and wouldn't have one for 5 years.

Your sister accepted the proposal!  He didn't force her into it.  I think that needs to be the basis of any conversation that you have with you mom.  Sis is an adult.  She made the decisions that she did knowing what the deal would be.

And since you are paying attention to all this, as some have said, realize that if you someday call mom to complain about the same sort of thing, you know what she will be liked.  But, more than that, seeing how your sister is being treated and being unhappy about it, make sure that for yourself you don't end up in the same position.

Because while you think it couldn't happen, love does strange things to people and logic flies out the window!

Also, you may want to tell your mother that by taking her daughter's side against your BIL that it leaves your daughter in the position of actually defending him when that may not be what she really wants to do.  In other words, your mother's constant criticism of the situation could prolong it when it would otherwise fall on its own.  The trick is being supportive without influencing or otherwise playing a part of the drama of their relationship.

When sister calls to complain that he booked the tour, mom should say, "well, you (your sis) didn't have to go.  You have your own money, you could have stayed where you wanted to stay."

It really can be as simple as that.  When your sister is made to accept responsibility for her own decisions and their consequences, maybe she will be a little more careful about making them and standing up for what she wants instead of going along and then calling mom to complain.