Author Topic: A Perspective on the Cut: "My Mother Stole $30,000 From Me, and All I Got ..."  (Read 9412 times)

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Celany

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My mom never actually stole money from me, though she did a lot of other screwed-up money things. One of her favorites was for her to tell me she would buy me something, to go ahead & charge it on my credit card. Then she'd get mad at me for something totally unrelated and tell me that she wasn't going to pay for it. That stopped mainly because after she disowned me & then...got over that (reowned? not owned by my mom, but not sure what the word that reverses a disownment is) & told me "oh, I'll get X for you, just charge it & I'll send you a check" I told her that I wouldn't be doing that anymore...so she sent me a credit card linked to an account in her name, so I don't have to worry about her pulling that on me (and she does, for birthdays/holidays usually tell me "you can spend XXX on my card for your birthday/Christmas. Just let me know what you get & how much it costs so I know to look for it"). There were 1-2 times when she forgot (I do think she really forgot) that she told me I could charge something, and there was some friction, so now when I charge something, I either forward her the receipt (if it was online). or email & tell her what I bought & for how much, & when. It's worked well for the last 10 years or so, though it does make me slightly nervous.

The other thing she did once is that her sister (my aunt) has a lot of financial problems. Now, I do feel badly for my aunt; all of her problems stem from before she was diagnosed with bipolar and put on medication (this was nearly 30 years ago). She defaulted on a lot of CCs, & eventually declared bankruptcy.

When I was in my early 20s, my mom gave my aunt a credit card in my name. Didn't ask me about it, didn't TELL me about it, just took one of the (many) credit card offers that came to her home, signed my name, and got my aunt a card. I found out when aunt called me to thank me for doing it. A furious conversation with my mom ensued, and I told her that if she ever did that again, I'd call the police & report her.

I did let my aunt keep the card, which I know (believe me, I know) was a bad idea. BUT, she did use it responsibly for a few years, and then closed the account once she was able to get a credit card in her own name. The main reason that I allowed it was that my aunt and I had had a lot of candid conversations once I was diagnosed with bipolar in my late teens, and her struggle to live with it, and I knew a lot about where she'd come from, and how much better she was doing, and I chose to trust that she really was doing well. I feel really lucky that I was right.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

siamesecat2965

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Yeah, that's why we didn't put my brother on the accounts.  We didn't want my STBXSIL having any claim on anything.  Both my brother and I are reasonably stable, other than his marriage issues.

I'm also stable, and very boring. and not married. So no reason that any of my mom's assets would ever be used against me.

alkira6

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Sadly both my husband and I have parents that will go bat poo insane if there is money involved.  Both of our mothers will froth at the mouth if there is even a hint that there is money that they in any way could possibly be entitled to may be about to get away.  After a couple of instances with his mother causing drama with his older brother (somehow she was put on accounts/property during his marriage and Hoo, Boy! did she pull out all the stops in the divorce) we both set up our wills with very clear cut beneficiaries (each other) and at the advice of an attorney left each mother a very token amount to show that there was no intent to leave anything else to them.

DH was screwed out of his inheritance a few years ago when his father died.  His father did not put anything in writing other than to say that his wife was to make sure that each of the 4 boys were given part of the estate after he died.  He hasn't seen a penny and his brothers are playing the "let's be mommy's favorite" game and getting checks written left and right.  he was cut out because he wouldn't say that he would leave me to take care of her if she needed it.   ::) :o  The games she's played with money are currently biting her on the behind big time and we are well out of the drama that has the eldest two siblings wrapped up.

The love of money as a tool makes people do very screwed up things.

Bobbie

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Money and parents :o.  My mother, who is cut off, told me I need to pay her back for rearing me and all the money she wasted on me (i.e. private school, clothes, food, glasses, braces).  So, when I got married against her wishes, my Japanese family sent a lot of money that I never received because it went toward my "debt".  I am glad that I never adhered to her belief that money=love.

Venus193

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I used to get that line about paying my mother back for raising me.  I never did, though.  Under the heading of All Things Considered, growing up around a mother who never allowed me a milliliter of self-confidence I hardly think I owed her anything.

I moved out when I was in college and never went back, even when unemployed.  In fact I once concealed unemployment from her for a whole year.  There was no way I was going to allow her to run me down again.  I'm paying in my own way now:  Seeing a shrink, which I wish I had done years ago.  I've come to realize that my mother intended to make me her meal ticket and that was why she was so peeved when I moved out.

cicero

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I used to get that line about paying my mother back for raising me.  I never did, though.  Under the heading of All Things Considered, growing up around a mother who never allowed me a milliliter of self-confidence I hardly think I owed her anything.

I moved out when I was in college and never went back, even when unemployed.  In fact I once concealed unemployment from her for a whole year.  There was no way I was going to allow her to run me down again.  I'm paying in my own way now:  Seeing a shrink, which I wish I had done years ago.  I've come to realize that my mother intended to make me her meal ticket and that was why she was so peeved when I moved out.
as a parent, i never ever think of what i gave to my child as "one day he will have to pay me back". i may joke with him "9 months of pregnancy, umpteen hours of labor - i deserve a hug" but i never thought of "everything i gave to him" as some kind of long term savings plan. that's ridiculous. he didn't ask to be born - it was and is my responsibility as a parent to make sure he is clothed, and fed, and loved and safe. if i didn't want to "invest" money in him, i wouldn't have had him in the first place.

I don't think it matters if one is the best parent in the world or the worst.

(I do hope that, when i get older and decrepiter, he will look out for me, but because he *wants* to, not because of guilt-laden obligation. i am certainly not expecting him to help me out financially, but i am hoping he will "be there for me" if i need the help).

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WolfWay

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I used to get that line about paying my mother back for raising me.  I never did, though.  Under the heading of All Things Considered, growing up around a mother who never allowed me a milliliter of self-confidence I hardly think I owed her anything.

I moved out when I was in college and never went back, even when unemployed.  In fact I once concealed unemployment from her for a whole year.  There was no way I was going to allow her to run me down again.  I'm paying in my own way now:  Seeing a shrink, which I wish I had done years ago.  I've come to realize that my mother intended to make me her meal ticket and that was why she was so peeved when I moved out.
as a parent, i never ever think of what i gave to my child as "one day he will have to pay me back". i may joke with him "9 months of pregnancy, umpteen hours of labor - i deserve a hug" but i never thought of "everything i gave to him" as some kind of long term savings plan. that's ridiculous. he didn't ask to be born - it was and is my responsibility as a parent to make sure he is clothed, and fed, and loved and safe. if i didn't want to "invest" money in him, i wouldn't have had him in the first place.

I don't think it matters if one is the best parent in the world or the worst.

(I do hope that, when i get older and decrepiter, he will look out for me, but because he *wants* to, not because of guilt-laden obligation. i am certainly not expecting him to help me out financially, but i am hoping he will "be there for me" if i need the help).
I'm stuck in the situation that my parents are terrible at saving money, and decided to spend their retirement money on things like a once-in-a-lifetime trip overseas to visit my half-brother. Now they have no retirement income, and since I'm their only child and I won't let them starve or be homeless, I'm looking after them.  It might be nice to say "bed. made. lie." but that presumes I'd let otherwise fairly good parents be homeless in their old age. (I can't simply rely on the state to look after them, the services available in my country are horrible if they exist at all).
It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

doodlemor

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The love of money as a tool makes people do very screwed up things.

.....is the root of all evil.

magicdomino

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Money and parents :o.  My mother, who is cut off, told me I need to pay her back for rearing me and all the money she wasted on me (i.e. private school, clothes, food, glasses, braces).  So, when I got married against her wishes, my Japanese family sent a lot of money that I never received because it went toward my "debt".  I am glad that I never adhered to her belief that money=love.

My material grandmother frequently complained that her daughters didn't hang around long enough to "pay for their raisin'.  But at least she never tried to bill anyone. 

(The local school went only to 8th grade.  If you wanted to go to high school, you had to go to a boarding school.  The state paid tuition, but room and board had to be paid by the student, and my grandparents felt that education was wasted on girls.  So, my mother and aunts left home and worked their way through high school.)

nutraxfornerves

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today's WuMo comic strip seems appropriate to this thread


Nutrax
The plural of anecdote is not data

heartmug

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That comic pretty much sums it up.

My ILs are mis-using their money, what little they had to begin with, in mine and DH's opinion.   We are waiting for the call - the call saying "we don't have any more money" because DH's sister doesn't and she is one of the reasons they don't.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

weeblewobble

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    My stepson worked all summer harvesting in the fields of Texas.  When he returned home, his mother took all of his money to pay for a move to another house.  A few years later he entered the army.  Stepson sent money home to put into a savings account, again, he returned home, not a dime in savings.  Mom had used it for living expenses.  She continued to ask for money from her son, until he married.  Shortly after after the couple returned from their honeymoon, mom was on the phone asking for money.  A short conversation ended with the bride saying h--- no  and that was the end of that.  Mom is now retired with no savings, living on SS, is now receiving $50 a month from her daughter.  I warned my stepdaughter, that the amount would continue to increase and she needed to take of her children first.  At least my stepdaughter made the decision, to not sell her house, and buy another in order to have mom live with her.

    I encouraged my stepdaughter to look around for low income senior housing.  Hope that works out for her, because we supplied that last money $$$$, we will ever give to you, stepdaughter.  We are retired, darn, if I am going to help pay for the ex's retirement expenses.


ARGH. This makes me so angry, because all it teaches the kid is that hard work doesn't pay off, if you have money, you should spend it as quickly as possible someone else can't take it, and if you have something that someone else wants, you should lie about it, so they won't take it.

Actually, my stepson, learned his lesson and saves a good chunk of every paycheck.  He has no respect for his mother and has no problem telling her no.  Rather sad, but she brought it on herself.  There are many other stories about this woman, all involving money and her needs are more important than anyone else.

I'm so glad!!