Author Topic: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33  (Read 10682 times)

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kudeebee

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #30 on: June 02, 2014, 03:29:12 PM »
I think your definition of a visit and theirs is different.  To them, they are visiting you.  They are stopping by your house and seeing you.  Sounds like the person determining the length of the visit is stepdad.  He is giving them 30 minutes and they can either take it or leave it.

Is there a reason that your mom doesn't pick up sister and then they come to your house?  That way they can stay as long as they want to, without worrying about stepdad and his time limits.  Also, why doesn't he come inside and visit as well?

Otherwise, I think you will just have to realize that your visits from mom and sister will be like this as long as stepdad is the one who is driving them around.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #31 on: June 02, 2014, 06:13:39 PM »
My stepfather is not coming in because that is not something either DH or me would be okay with. He was abusive to me while I was growing up and the last time we talked to him there was a fight, DH doesn't want him to set foot in our house and doesn't want our child (when he's born) near him. I completely support him in this.

Unfortunately, my Mum doesn't like to drive long distances so she gets my stepfather to do it for her. Thing is, if my mum doesn't want to drive it's very easy for her to get the train to my place and I can even meet her at the station. Yeah, it is his fault that they're only staying half an hour once they're dropped off, but there's other alternatives.

Both my sisters also want to plan done sort of meet the baby party for us when they can manage to get up here on the one weekend, I'm not sure how that's going to work at all.

bah12

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2014, 11:16:52 AM »
My stepfather is not coming in because that is not something either DH or me would be okay with. He was abusive to me while I was growing up and the last time we talked to him there was a fight, DH doesn't want him to set foot in our house and doesn't want our child (when he's born) near him. I completely support him in this.

Unfortunately, my Mum doesn't like to drive long distances so she gets my stepfather to do it for her. Thing is, if my mum doesn't want to drive it's very easy for her to get the train to my place and I can even meet her at the station. Yeah, it is his fault that they're only staying half an hour once they're dropped off, but there's other alternatives.

Both my sisters also want to plan done sort of meet the baby party for us when they can manage to get up here on the one weekend, I'm not sure how that's going to work at all.

Well, I think this pretty much explains it.   You don't have any relationship with your stepfather and your mom depends on your stepfather to get her to your house.  While I do think that she should take the train or insist to your stepfather that she stay longer, I can easily see how this works out.  Stepfather drives a long distance to take your mom to a place where he's not welcome.  He does it, but not often and he's not willing to kill too much time/spend to long idling in the city before he picks her back up...so the visits remain short.


I still think you can  bluntly tell your mom how you feel and ask her if there is something else that she can work out...Especially once baby arrives. 

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2014, 09:17:20 PM »
So, got some news. I heard from my mum and she says they can stay a few hours as my stepfather is going to visit his brother. I'm pleased, somewhat, as it means they're staying longer and we can have a proper visit. DH isn't really okay with it and thinks I'm opening myself up to get hurt by them all over again.

He may have a point, but what I'm trying to do, at least on my side, is work out what I am okay with in a relationship with my family. He's not completely convinced.

SoCalVal

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #34 on: June 05, 2014, 09:39:03 PM »
So, got some news. I heard from my mum and she says they can stay a few hours as my stepfather is going to visit his brother. I'm pleased, somewhat, as it means they're staying longer and we can have a proper visit. DH isn't really okay with it and thinks I'm opening myself up to get hurt by them all over again.

He may have a point, but what I'm trying to do, at least on my side, is work out what I am okay with in a relationship with my family. He's not completely convinced.

Well, he does have a point, but what're you supposed to do then?  It sounds like your mum is trying to make more time for you this time.  Do you just give up on them altogether and not see if this could be a legitimate longer visit?



F_L_O

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33
« Reply #35 on: June 09, 2014, 08:42:57 AM »
But it still sounds like the visit is being held hostage by what the stepfather is (or isn't) doing.

What if his intended visit gets cut short? He's going to be coming by earlier to pick up your mom and sister and of course they will cut the visit with you short to appease him.

It sounds like short of making peace with the stepfather, which I understand you may not be able to do, these visits are at the mercy of this man.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33
« Reply #36 on: June 09, 2014, 09:42:47 AM »
Had a long talk with DH about this and his main problem was with my sister, not my mum. He did say that it was a good sign on their part that they were making the approach rather than me. I also said he didn't have to stay if he didn't want to,which he did end up doing anyway.

So the visit itself, it was short but not short like last time. They stayed about two hours, we had afternoon tea and it went pretty well. I'm also going with not telling them more about the pregnancy than I'm prepared to share, particularly with my sister who is the doctor. DH did come in every now and again and sit with us, which was a nice surprise and he did help me tidy up a bit that morning as well.

We are okay having them over, not my stepfather, but as long as my mum doesn't like driving up she's beholden to him. But that's not something I can really do anything about as I no longer have any desire to have any relationship with him. She does want to come visit after baby has been born so if she still doesn't want to drive I can suggest train and bus to our place as it's not much trouble.

All in all, that went well.

jpcher

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33
« Reply #37 on: June 09, 2014, 06:20:52 PM »
That's a good update. Efforts are being made on both sides and I'm very happy for you that DH was supportive.

Any chance that maybe you can offer to take the train to Mum's area and meet her for lunch sometime? That way she isn't beholden to anybody and it shows that you are also willing to put forth an effort.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33
« Reply #38 on: June 09, 2014, 07:28:31 PM »
I'm 38 weeks this week and get tired easy, so I don't want to go very far when I need rest after going to the shops down the road. We don't have a car, but after last time we went up there with the argument with my stepfather and they were responsible for us getting to the station I realised that I didn't want to go up there again without one.

Then there's more issues after baby is born. DH does not want my stepfather around him at all and doesn't even want us to go in their house. He is willing for us to visit relative who lives very near their house though, which is good as relative is old and there would be no other way to see baby.

Getting up there with him via public transport does mean he needs a car seat at the other end, which could be arranged if we hired something for the day.

I would also like the point out that it usually was us going to see them in the past, and now it's going to be much more of a problem. The car thing we may be able to work on though.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2014, 07:34:06 PM by Katana_Geldar »