Author Topic: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33  (Read 10835 times)

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Katana_Geldar

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They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33
« on: August 25, 2013, 07:05:11 PM »
DH and I just lost our baby at five weeks, it was our first pregnancy and we got excited and told a few friends and family...which made it harder to say when we lost the baby. :( Consequently, we've had quite a few people call us, asking us how we were and things as well as giving us the privacy we need.

Yesterday, my Mum and younger sister came to visit. YS was flying out that night and my Mum was dropping her at my grandmas house which is near the airport. They said they'd stop by at around 10am on Sunday morning to see us.

Now my Mum has NEVER come up to see us, or rather never came IN. Even when they have dropped us off or driven through on their way home we met them outside and they barely got out of the car. So when I heard they were coming up on the way to drop YS off, I thought we'd get a good visit. Not exactly lunch, but possibly a cup of tea and a bite to eat...

First sign of something wrong was my stepdads car, not my Mums. He didn't get out, just dropped them off and left.

Second sign was that they refused anything to drink, saying they didn't want to go to the toilet a lot after. They did bring food, but that was for us for later.

Third sign was they didn't sit down until I asked them to after a little while, they stood over DH and me and talked while we sat.

And YS kept looking at her watch...

I think they stayed about 30 mins at the most, and most of what we discussed was small talk about cats...which was ok I guess but I did feel a bit cheated. The first thing I said when they left was "Why didn't they stay longer?"

Now I think that this might have been my stepdads fault. He might have said he'll drive them up, and as he's not very social they might have felt pressured from him to make it a short visit. Also, my mum doesn't like driving so she may not have wanted to drive such a long trip (it's about two hours for. Their place to hour place, with another hour, give or take, to my grandmas). But I strongly suspect that if had just been her and YS, them they would have stayed longer.

I am still a little upset about this, but any ideas how to approach this? I'm not sure even if I should, as I'm not particularly close in that way to my Mum (a lot of history there). But I haven't had the chance to talk to her in person for a long time, and I was looking forward to that. :(
« Last Edit: June 05, 2014, 09:20:41 PM by Katana_Geldar »

Zizi-K

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2013, 07:13:14 PM »
Your relationship with your mom/family is so different than mine, it's hard to imagine rational reasons why your mom seems to not like to visit your home. Unless there's some obvious reason (if, for instance you were a hoarder or some such thing, or if your mom is an agoraphobic), your best bet would be to approach your mom/family with a non-accusatory honesty. Say that you miss her, that you want to spend some time with her, and you are a bit hurt that they didn't stay longer during their last visit. Ask if there's anything you can do to make visits more comfortable. See what she has to say. What else can you do??

Piratelvr1121

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2013, 07:34:22 PM »
Could it be something in your home triggers an allergic reaction?  We have 3 cats, which my MIL likes but is mildly allergic to.  She can handle sitting in our house for about an hour or so and can pet them just fine but after a while her eyes do start to itch.

FIL however can't even be in the house for more than a few minutes before the allergies start to get to him.  He too likes cats, just can't be around them for long. 

Though I would imagine your family would say so unless they're not really sure just what triggers it, they just know something does.
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Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2013, 07:49:27 PM »
No, they have a cat and a dog. And if it was something they were allergic to, I'd wire know or they would tell us.

Not really sure how you got that from my post...

Sharnita

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2013, 08:27:50 PM »
No, they have a cat and a dog. And if it was something they were allergic to, I'd wire know or they would tell us.

Not really sure how you got that from my post...

It was from the poster's personal experience and becaise there is a lack of any logical explanation of their behavior in the background. We have to kind of guess as to possible reasons.

Honestly, they just sound socially awkward anyway and visiting while  you are going through a difficult time may be way beyond their ability level. It stinks and I would wany.them to duck it up and power through but it sounds like they are unwilling, unable or a bit of both.

JenJay

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2013, 08:31:38 PM »
I would ask her "Mom, I've noticed you seem to be very uncomfortable visiting my home. Yesterday was the first time you actually got out of the car and you still only stayed about 30 minutes. Is there anything I can do to make your visits more enjoyable? I'd love to have you over for an afternoon some day."  :-\

NyaChan

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2013, 08:40:22 PM »
I would ask her "Mom, I've noticed you seem to be very uncomfortable visiting my home. Yesterday was the first time you actually got out of the car and you still only stayed about 30 minutes. Is there anything I can do to make your visits more enjoyable? I'd love to have you over for an afternoon some day."  :-\

I think this is great.  Sometimes, there is no point in speculating about seemingly confusing behavior when you can just ask and save the trouble of worrying about it - I couldn't see anything wrong with what you did during the interaction. 

doodlemor

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2013, 08:47:35 PM »
Now my Mum has NEVER come up to see us, or rather never came IN

As annoying and unusual as this behavior is, I think that she is making progress.  At least she came inside for awhile this time. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, Katana.  This must be a difficult time for you.

Acadianna

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2013, 09:15:09 PM »
Could it be a control issue?

In the case of my own mother, this is the only explanation I could ever figure out.  My mother always had to be in control of things.  In my home, she didn't feel like she controlled much, so she never felt comfortable.

By way of example, when I got married, I said that I'd really like to have one holiday at my and DH's house, and how about Thanksgiving?  Of course, all the family would be invited each year.  Nope, she couldn't handle someone else being in charge, even for one holiday, so DH and I (and eventually, our children) did our own thing every Thanksgiving.  C'est la vie.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2013, 11:52:00 PM »
This is really bizarre. I can't fathom why a mother would decide not to come inside her adult child's house.

Next time your Mum is in town, could you ask her (and your step-dad) specifically to your house for a meal? If they hem and haw, and suggest alternatives, I think it's time to ask them flat out: "What's going on?"

For now, you could let them know (not in an accusing way, in a gentle way) that you really needed their company in this tough time, and that you were hurt that - as far as you can perceive - they were reluctant to spend any proper time with you.

Penguin_ar

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2013, 06:26:38 AM »
Now my Mum has NEVER come up to see us, or rather never came IN

As annoying and unusual as this behavior is, I think that she is making progress.  At least she came inside for awhile this time. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, Katana.  This must be a difficult time for you.


I agree with this. I understand you need support like now, and why you are hurt by their short stay, but it is 30 minutes more than they ever visited before, which can be counted as a good effort.

LazyDaisy

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2013, 03:31:02 PM »
...So when I heard they were coming up on the way to drop YS off, I thought we'd get a good visit. Not exactly lunch, but possibly a cup of tea and a bite to eat...

I'm not sure even if I should, as I'm not particularly close in that way to my Mum (a lot of history there). But I haven't had the chance to talk to her in person for a long time, and I was looking forward to that. :(

I'm so sorry for your loss Katana. However given that you said you're not particularly close to your mother, I'm not sure why you expected her to stay longer. Did you arrange this ahead of time with her that you expected them to stay for tea or did you just assume they would? By their actions, it sound like your mother and sister had not planned on staying for even as long as they did. From my perspective, if I had someone stopping by on their way to/from anything, the purpose of their journey isn't primarily to visit with me, and I wouldn't assume they would stay very long, especially if they weren't someone I was close to under normal circumstances.

While you need her emotional support in this difficult time, it doesn't sound like she's ever given you that kind of support. Perhaps she just isn't capable of it or doesn't want to. There is no way to make that happen.
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Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2013, 08:52:21 PM »
Okay, a sort of update...

I spoke to her yesterday, and I think we had different ideas of what was expected. Apparently it was less a visit, more a five minute drop in. They're currently doing renovations and had to get back to them, which was why they couldn't stay. But they never said anything about that until I asked.

If I'd known, I wouldn't have minded as much. Maybe.

But it does remind me of a few years ago, on my birthday, we had plans to do things that all had to be cancelled because of a house inspection. They took off somewhere and I was stuck cleaning and looking after the dog, which ended up me sitting by myself in the rain on my birthday. :(

I understand people have commitments and things, but it does make you feel less important when they put them ahead of you. Particularly when, months later we actually went away for the weekend on my youngest sisters birthday.

I know I do sound a but like I was attention-seeking, but that's different to being a person who matters and counts rather than eft to fritter away in the peanut gallery. And I thought that was changing. :(

SoCalVal

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2013, 03:13:52 PM »
But it does remind me of a few years ago, on my birthday, we had plans to do things that all had to be cancelled because of a house inspection. They took off somewhere and I was stuck cleaning and looking after the dog, which ended up me sitting by myself in the rain on my birthday. :(

I understand people have commitments and things, but it does make you feel less important when they put them ahead of you. Particularly when, months later we actually went away for the weekend on my youngest sisters birthday.

I know I do sound a but like I was attention-seeking, but that's different to being a person who matters and counts rather than eft to fritter away in the peanut gallery. And I thought that was changing. :(

NO!  No no no no no no no.  You are NOT attention-seeking here.  What a terrible thing to do to your daughter.  The fact that you went away for the weekend for your youngest sister's birthday makes it very clear your parents can manage their schedule just fine.

Hugs; I am so sorry your parents won't can't see the disparity here.  I wish I could say I'd think they'll change after you told them how you feel, but how in the world could anyone think that was an acceptable way of treating his/her offspring vs. the other?

I wish I had something to say for a possible solution, but I am at a loss.  Just hugs (((((Katana_Geldar))))) and please don't think you're "attention-seeking" for wanting more from your parents that your siblings get.



bopper

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12
« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2013, 02:52:05 PM »
Katana---

You didn't do anything wrong.  Mom, or Mom + Stepdad clearly have some sort of issue. You are expecting them to act like normal parents. There is nothing wrong with this.  However, clearly they cannot or will not take on the "normal parent" role.
So you will have to be more explicit.  Invite them over for a meal. State how long you think it would take. It might be that stepdad doesn't really want to visit, so puts pressure on mom.  Or if they are renovating, stepdad uses that as an excuse.