Author Topic: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17 #33  (Read 10514 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: They didn't stay very long...
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2013, 09:13:00 PM »
I would ask her "Mom, I've noticed you seem to be very uncomfortable visiting my home. Yesterday was the first time you actually got out of the car and you still only stayed about 30 minutes. Is there anything I can do to make your visits more enjoyable? I'd love to have you over for an afternoon some day."  :-\

I think this is great.  Sometimes, there is no point in speculating about seemingly confusing behavior when you can just ask and save the trouble of worrying about it - I couldn't see anything wrong with what you did during the interaction.

I agree--I think this is a great approach.

DavidH

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12
« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2013, 05:53:18 PM »
On one hand, it's the longest visit every, on the other hand, 30 min given all that's going on seems a short visit.  I think knowing some of the history would make it easier to offer advice, since there must be something else given the lack of prior visits and the issue on your birthday.  In general, I think JenJay offered very good advice.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12
« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2014, 07:20:22 AM »
Well, I've recently got a message from my sister that she wants to visit this weekend on the way to my parents place. I initially thought we'd get a good visit in, maybe have lunch locally or something... But it turns out she and my Mum can only stay half an hour as my stepfather is picking my sister up from the city.

That's not how I would have managed it, if it were me I'd arrange for the lift where I was visitibg and make my way there with time for a visit. But for some reason it isn't going that way, probably due to how antisocial my stepfather is.

Well, at least I know this time it's not going to be long. I probably should just stop being disappointed in them. :(

lkdrymom

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #18 on: May 31, 2014, 10:13:01 AM »
Quite frankly I would tell them you weren't available for this little drop by.

TurtleDove

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2014, 11:06:20 AM »
I would stop expecting them to be who they are not. Aspect them to not spend time in you house and to be awkward if they do. Who knows why they don't want to spend time in your house - maybe they think you are a horrid housekeeper, maybe they fear it is contaminated with some disease, maybe they think it is haunted. It doesn't really matter. Just lower your expectations and then if they are exceeded you can be pleased rather than saddened when your family, well, acts how they apparently always act.

And hugs on your loss.

SoCalVal

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #20 on: May 31, 2014, 12:22:26 PM »
Frankly, if they only have 30 minutes to spend with you, it sounds more like they have 30 minutes to kill waiting for your stepfather to pick her up so your sister decided to spend it waiting at your house, which would've been a more honest way of wording it, I think, than couching it as a visit (we have a friend who did this -- she had an hour to kill between appointments and was going to be in our area so she asked if she could stop by for a visit and explained she had an hour between appointments; it would've been fine with us, except that DH and I already had plans for the day).



cicero

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12
« Reply #21 on: May 31, 2014, 02:31:53 PM »


Well, at least I know this time it's not going to be long. I probably should just stop being disappointed in them. :(
that's one way to deal with it. Have you ever asked them why they don't visit you/spend more time at your house?

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lkdrymom

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #22 on: May 31, 2014, 03:36:11 PM »
Frankly, if they only have 30 minutes to spend with you, it sounds more like they have 30 minutes to kill waiting for your stepfather to pick her up so your sister decided to spend it waiting at your house, which would've been a more honest way of wording it, I think, than couching it as a visit (we have a friend who did this -- she had an hour to kill between appointments and was going to be in our area so she asked if she could stop by for a visit and explained she had an hour between appointments; it would've been fine with us, except that DH and I already had plans for the day).
This is exactly right. They aren't there to 'visit' you, they are killing time until their ride gets there.

ladyknight1

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #23 on: May 31, 2014, 05:47:53 PM »
Frankly, if they only have 30 minutes to spend with you, it sounds more like they have 30 minutes to kill waiting for your stepfather to pick her up so your sister decided to spend it waiting at your house, which would've been a more honest way of wording it, I think, than couching it as a visit (we have a friend who did this -- she had an hour to kill between appointments and was going to be in our area so she asked if she could stop by for a visit and explained she had an hour between appointments; it would've been fine with us, except that DH and I already had plans for the day).
This is exactly right. They aren't there to 'visit' you, they are killing time until their ride gets there.

I completely agree. As to another poster's comment about changing them, it is perfectly acceptable to be frustrated and disappointed by those who continue to behave in a way that hurts others.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #24 on: May 31, 2014, 07:00:05 PM »
Quite frankly I would tell them you weren't available for this little drop by.
I wish I could, but if had no idea that it was going to be short when I agreed to it. Her word was "visit", not "drop by". I was speculating having lunch with her at least. Had I known that it was only going to be 30 minutes I wouldn't have agree to it, particularly given the brevity of their last visit after we lost the first baby.

What's happening is that she's going to be at my dads or my grandmas, getting picked up in town by my stepdad and brought to my place which is not how I would have planned it at all had the positions been reversed and I was visiting her. he's going to drop my mum and sister off and then come back in half an hour.

I asked my sister if she could stay longer, she said to take it up with my Mum so I guess she wants her ride from town.

purple

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #25 on: May 31, 2014, 08:56:41 PM »
Just tell them that something suddenly came up and you're no longer available.
Then go out for lunch yourself instead :).

sammycat

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #26 on: May 31, 2014, 08:58:14 PM »
Just tell them that something suddenly came up and you're no longer available.
Then go out for lunch yourself instead :).

This is what I'd do.

Minmom3

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #27 on: May 31, 2014, 11:56:36 PM »
Me three.  I would not enjoy feeling like an after thought, or 'the red headed step child' of the family, and I would prefer to be less available to them than feel cheated AGAIN.  Those would be MY feelings, for sure!
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

bah12

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #28 on: June 02, 2014, 11:32:20 AM »
First, I am so sorry for your loss  :(

Second, I don't think you are wrong to expect/hope for more from your family.   It's both a natural and reasonable expectation that they will visit for longer than a few minutes at a time and keep the plans they make with you.

I agree that the best course of action is to confront them bluntly. "You're my mom and I'm going through a  tough time right now.  I need you and I need to feel like I matter to you.  Is there something about my home that makes you uncomfortable?  Is there something I can change there that will make you feel like you can stay for longer than half an hour?  I feel hurt.  I love you and want to spend time with you."

And I would also lower my expectations.  I'm not sure why your family is this way, but this is who they are and unfortunately, they may never change.  But also know that it's not a reflectation of you.  It's them.  Seek the familial relationship with those you know have the capacity to be there for you as much as you are with them.  DH, in-laws, friends, etc.

TootsNYC

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Re: They didn't stay very long... UPDATE #12, #17
« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2014, 12:05:26 PM »
I'm just to stand behind bah12 and nod vigorously and sympathetically.