Author Topic: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP  (Read 3324 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

MrTango

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2307
Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« on: August 31, 2013, 05:10:12 PM »
I'm wondering what the rules of etiquette say about this scenario:

A person has been invited to a wedding and has accepted the invitation and sent in their RSVP.  The day of the wedding, something comes up (illness, family emergency, "act of God," etc), and the guest is no longer able to attend.

Should the guest attempt to contact someone right away to let them know the situation?  Should the guest wait until after the wedding and make their apologies to the bride & groom?

Acadianna

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1176
  • Remember -- no matter where you go, there you are.
    • My Dragons
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2013, 05:15:00 PM »
For anything other than a wedding, I'd try to let the host know right away, especially if it will affect the plans.

For a wedding -- with everything that the hosts need to do on the big day -- I'd wait until the following week so as not to interrupt their busy day.

Rohanna

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2318
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2013, 05:29:46 PM »
If I had to miss a wedding I would try and contact a family member, or failing that the catering/event hall - especially if I was part of a larger family group. The main reason I would is because it would allow for last minute seating chart re-arranging. This happened at my wedding- a family of 6 didn't show up, leaving me shuffling 2 people after they had already been seated, which was awkward for them. It would have been nicer if they'd called someone, as we could have moved their placecards to another table right away and they wouldn't have been left sitting alone.
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. ~ Jack Layton.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13653
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2013, 05:55:55 PM »
If at all possible, the host or someone close to the host should be notified.  I like Rohanna's idea of notifying the event hall, if nothing else.  You can leave a message that they will hopefully pass on to someone in the wedding party or the parents.

However, if it is a true emergency, you've got bigger things on your mind.  Deal with them and apologize as soon as you can.  If it is just that everyone has come down with the flu, you should be able to make a phone call.  But if someone is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance?  I wouldn't worry about it.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

camlan

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8532
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2013, 05:58:30 PM »
For a wedding, if you are really close to the family--say a relative or very close family friend--I'd try to get word to someone. Maybe not the hosts, but someone close to them, another family member, say. This would be for a relationship that's close enough that someone's going to notice you are not there are and worry about what might have happened.

On the other hand, for the wedding of someone about the level of friendship as a co-worker, I'd make one try and hope to leave a voice mail that someone would get eventually.

It also depends on the emergency. If you are at the emergency room, but you are okay and it's a family member who needs treatment, again, I'd try once to contact someone and hope that I could leave a voice mail.

If, however, you are at the emergency room and you are the patient, I think you are okay if you do nothing until after the emergency is resolved.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4107
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2013, 05:59:15 PM »
I'd ask someone who was attending who is either close to me or close to the couple to pass along my regrets and apologies for not making it.

Rohanna

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2318
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2013, 06:22:21 PM »
Yeh if it's a true medical, call 911 and maybe the priest kind of problem I wouldn't be focussing on anything but the moment. If it's a case of the stomach flu or a rolled ankle I would try and contact someone. The closer I was to the couple would mean how far "up" the chain I'd go- for an immediate family member I'd call the couple if necessary, for a co-worker I'd probably just ask the hall or another co-worker to pass the message on to a bridal party member.
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. ~ Jack Layton.

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6920
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2013, 06:34:01 PM »
   I think even for a wedding you let them know( but you can let them know by telling a relative or friend and sending an email/leaving a voice mail ) if at all possible.

lisastitch

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 277
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2013, 07:01:20 PM »
I'd do my best to let someone involved with the wedding know, depending on who is getting married and who your contacts are.  It may make a difference in seating.

It also depends on the nature of the emergency--if you're in the hospital with a heart attack, hooked up to machines, or flying across country because one of your parents or one of your children has been in a major accident, apologize as soon as you can.

In other emergencies (your child had an accident, broke his arm badly and is in surgery, but is in no danger, so you're just waiting around for the surgery to be done), I think it's polite to try to contact someone and let them know.

And sometimes, in an emergency situation, you don't have the information you need with you.

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6920
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2013, 07:16:42 PM »
Oh, one thing if it was an event in someone's home if my first availability to call was during the event I would wait till the event was done.

gellchom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2139
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2013, 08:50:34 PM »
Absolutely, if it is at all possible, get word to the hosts.  Tell another guest to tell them, or call or text, or leave a message at the venue.  Better to take thirty seconds of their time than to have people wondering what happened to you and if you are still coming or even just forgot or blew them off.  That is less a waste of their time and distraction than worrying and asking about you and even trying to track you down.  As it is so completely rude to just not show up, if someone is missing, people will assume something is terribly wrong and start focussing on that.  And as others have said, they may appreciate the info to make seating or other changes.

Obviously, if it's a grave, dire emergency, you don't need to ask the emergency surgeon to hold off for a minute so you can make a phone call. 

But the fact that of course emergencies change things doesn't make the whole thing optional.  If you can, you do, and as soon as possible.

In most situations, there is an opportunity for someone to make a quick call or text to someone.  As a matter of fact, I HAVE called from an emergency room (and yes, I was the patient, albeit not for anything dangerous) to tell someone I might not be able to do something he was counting on me for.

For that matter, the guests themselves might also be less inconvenienced during the crisis by making a call or a text at a good moment than having to take a lot of calls from hosts and guests wondering where they are.

I would certainly understand if someone didn't call because they were dealing with a fire or in an ambulance.  And I would certainly understand if someone couldn't attend because they have the flu or got stuck out of town -- but I would be pretty frosted if they didn't even call to tell us and just left us wondering. 

Just apologizing after the fact might cause the hosts to wonder if you simply forgot or worse that something better came along.  Waiting til the next WEEK to call definitely would.

SoCalVal

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2428
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2013, 09:35:01 PM »
I'm wondering what the rules of etiquette say about this scenario:

A person has been invited to a wedding and has accepted the invitation and sent in their RSVP.  The day of the wedding, something comes up (illness, family emergency, "act of God," etc), and the guest is no longer able to attend.

Should the guest attempt to contact someone right away to let them know the situation?  Should the guest wait until after the wedding and make their apologies to the bride & groom?

For anything other than a wedding, I'd try to let the host know right away, especially if it will affect the plans.

For a wedding -- with everything that the hosts need to do on the big day -- I'd wait until the following week so as not to interrupt their busy day.

This did happen at my wedding earlier this year so I would say let the hosts know immediately.  At our reception, we had tables of eight so one table was a family of seven (DH's cousin and her family) and one guest (friend coming solo).  Well, the family of seven didn't show and didn't tell us they weren't coming.  DH and I didn't know until we were visiting the tables that the family didn't show.  Fortunately, one pair of our guests saw that the solo guest was alone so they opted to sit with him instead.  DH did FINALLY get contacted about 2-3 months later when Cousin needed to get our address for her son to mail us an invitation to his college graduation.  DH had always told me that Cousin's husband has some mental issues and, when Cousin finally expressed her regrets, she only said that she'd been dealing with some heavy family issues for a few months and had hoped they'd be able to attend but, at the last minute, could not.  We don't hold it against her, but I do wish she had let us know that morning (it's a 3-4 hour drive so they would've known way before we left for the hall that they wouldn't have been coming).  We could've shuffled some of the seating to adjust for the one guest not ending up alone.

Side note -- we were pretty blessed with how many of our RSVP'd yeses showed up.  Out of the nine guests who did not show up -- one was my cousin's DH (which she explained when we saw her at the church), seven were the one family (who finally explained after a few months) and only one no-show was ToxicSis (which I expected to happen so there was no surprise there; I made her seating arrangement with the expectation she wouldn't show so, when she didn't, I simply didn't have a name card made for her).



kareng57

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12253
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2013, 11:39:45 PM »
I agree with PPs - unless it's absolutely impossible (which is sometimes is), then try to contact someone.  Naturally if it's the day of the event, they won't be able to do much regarding the event fee, but perhaps the seating arrangements could be adjusted.

I remember when this kind of situation was discussed on this board years ago (no, I don't have a reference) there were several posters who said that they had attended quite a few wedding with hundreds of guests each, and no guests had had to suddenly decline due to emergencies.  I had a hard time believing it at the time and I still do, now.  We only had about 100 guest at our wedding, and had four sudden-declines due to heart attacks in close relatives.  It happens, unfortunately.

Danika

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1926
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2013, 01:16:56 AM »
As the host, I always prefer when someone who can't make it lets me know ASAP. Then, I don't worry about them, or get mad at them for being inconsiderate (because I am informed that it's an emergency).

At our wedding, we had a few people with emergencies come up. The ones who called us (DH or me) directly, I appreciated most. The ones who sent the word through a family member - and then never followed up with an apology, explanation or even acknowledgement left me disappointed in them.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30504
Re: Missing an event for which you said Yes on the RSVP
« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2013, 09:49:11 AM »
If I had to miss a wedding I would try and contact a family member, or failing that the catering/event hall - especially if I was part of a larger family group. The main reason I would is because it would allow for last minute seating chart re-arranging. This happened at my wedding- a family of 6 didn't show up, leaving me shuffling 2 people after they had already been seated, which was awkward for them. It would have been nicer if they'd called someone, as we could have moved their placecards to another table right away and they wouldn't have been left sitting alone.

This is what I'd do--in fact, I'd skip a family member (other than the MOB, perhaps) and go straight to the catering hall/restaurant/whatever (if it existed)