Author Topic: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about  (Read 96870 times)

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Bluenomi

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #270 on: September 12, 2013, 09:51:04 PM »
MIL started telling DS when he was 5 that he should remember that there is a proper order for life to go in. You go to school, graduate high school, go to college, get a degree, a well paying job, buy a house, then you find a girlfriend and get married eventually, then children.

That is a dig at DH and I. DH joined the US Army just out of high school, then met me at his job after being discharged, we dated, got our own apartment, DH went to school and got an Associate in Science degree while we both worked, we got married and had DS, now I am going to school.

I overheard MIL telling DS that little life philosophy and told her that if she ever said that again, she would not be alone with DS ever again. AFAIK, she has not repeated it.

MIL has never gone to college or had a median income job, so I am not sure where her philosophy comes from.

My Dad always told me he expected a wedding before any christenings. He stopped saying that when I pointed out I was never planning on christening any of my children so it didn't matter when they were born in relation to any wedding  >:D

ladyknight1

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #271 on: September 12, 2013, 10:56:43 PM »
I remember when I went off to college I went through a few months or even a year really where I wanted to learn about other denominations and faiths. I wasn't even so much searching as I just wanted to know what other people believed because such things fascinated me. (I sometimes think I should have done a major in anthropology because people and the different ways they live fascinate me)

So I went with friends to different denominations of Christianity, a Unitarian church, and even observed some Wiccan ceremonies. My mother was not terribly happy when I'd attend the other Christian denominations (I was brought up Catholic)  I quoted Truly from Steel Magnolias "God doesn't care what church you go to, long as you show up!"  Mom frowned and said "That's not true!"  ::)

Now mind you, once I went off to college and moved out of their house, they stopped attending church as much.  At least if my brother had a game (soccer) they wouldn't go.  I guess they had to still attend some because he was still going through CCD for Confirmation but they certainly didn't go every week.  So I found it kind of rich that she was getting so bent out of shape about me attending other services besides Catholic when she didn't even bother attending every week, and once he was confirmed, they didn't go at all except for when we'd visit grandparents.

I just recently found out that the church I was raised in, and all the things we (child members) were taught were "sinful" and that it was Bible based is hogwash. None of that is actually derived from the Bible. I was astounded, as I had been reading for myself for decades but thought I had just missed some passages.

No, not in there. None of it. I was forbidden from attending prom in HS, but younger sister got to go to all the dances  ::), because dancing was a sin, don't ya know? Yes, not in the Bible as a sin, in fact it is worship to dance in some circumstances!

DH's uncle is one of the fire and brimstone believers and he keeps telling me dancing is forbidden.  :(

metallicafan

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #272 on: September 12, 2013, 11:50:52 PM »
Wearing anything but tiny earrings will make people think badly of you.

My mother's version of this was:

Pierced ears disfigure your face  :o

This is why my birthday present to myself for my 16th birthday was to get my ears pierced because you didn't need a parent's signature at that age. A few years later when I graduated from college she happily gave me diamond earrings for pierced ears - go figure!

This didn't happen to me but to my BIL when he was about 18.  He pierced his ear, and the same day my FIL made him remove it.   DH has always wanted a tattoo of his FavoriteSportsTeam logo on his calf.  He won't do it because my FIL will criticize him for it.  I want a tattoo myself and I told DH that I am well beyond the age of needing parental approval and so is he. 

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #273 on: September 13, 2013, 06:45:05 AM »
I remember when I went off to college I went through a few months or even a year really where I wanted to learn about other denominations and faiths. I wasn't even so much searching as I just wanted to know what other people believed because such things fascinated me. (I sometimes think I should have done a major in anthropology because people and the different ways they live fascinate me)

So I went with friends to different denominations of Christianity, a Unitarian church, and even observed some Wiccan ceremonies. My mother was not terribly happy when I'd attend the other Christian denominations (I was brought up Catholic)  I quoted Truly from Steel Magnolias "God doesn't care what church you go to, long as you show up!"  Mom frowned and said "That's not true!"  ::)

Now mind you, once I went off to college and moved out of their house, they stopped attending church as much.  At least if my brother had a game (soccer) they wouldn't go.  I guess they had to still attend some because he was still going through CCD for Confirmation but they certainly didn't go every week.  So I found it kind of rich that she was getting so bent out of shape about me attending other services besides Catholic when she didn't even bother attending every week, and once he was confirmed, they didn't go at all except for when we'd visit grandparents.

I just recently found out that the church I was raised in, and all the things we (child members) were taught were "sinful" and that it was Bible based is hogwash. None of that is actually derived from the Bible. I was astounded, as I had been reading for myself for decades but thought I had just missed some passages.

No, not in there. None of it. I was forbidden from attending prom in HS, but younger sister got to go to all the dances  ::), because dancing was a sin, don't ya know? Yes, not in the Bible as a sin, in fact it is worship to dance in some circumstances!

DH's uncle is one of the fire and brimstone believers and he keeps telling me dancing is forbidden.  :(

The no dancing thing and all the other stuff reminds me of Lane Kim of Gilmore Girls who had a very strict mother who wouldn't let her dance, listen to any music that wasn't Christian, eat spicy food, etc.  Thankfully Mrs. Kim relaxed after a while, seeing that she was on the verge of losing her daughter with her refusal to let Lane be herself, since Lane was hiding the music she liked (plus makeup and other forbidden things) under the floorboards.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Lynn2000

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #274 on: September 13, 2013, 10:57:07 AM »
I think a lot of nastiness comes out of insecurity.  The rest comes out of narcissism.  These two traits often co-exist.

Some people can forgive such things, but I usually don't.  The reason is that any reasonably intelligent person learns eventually to get past whatever made them this way and goes on to meaningful change for the better.  Those that don't are not deserving of forgiveness.

Exactly. I don't feel like my dad, specifically, is nasty, but I feel like he had a very different childhood than I did, and it's actually remarkable to me the kinds of things he hasn't passed on. He grew up in a time/place with a lot more physical discipline and labor, and with a social structure that was a lot more "adults (especially your parents) are gods compared to children." His mom was a school teacher and once used corporal punishment on him in front of her class for no other reason than to impress upon them how tough she was; and his dad was of the philosophy, "Well, I can't tell which one of you kids is really at fault, so I'm just going to punish all of you," again corporal punishment.  :o Whereas I was, honestly, quite spoiled as a child and I could never imagine my dad raising his hand to anyone, let alone me, he is not that kind of person at all.
~Lynn2000

Snooks

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #275 on: September 13, 2013, 11:34:05 AM »
"You need to buy a house"
Usually said when one of the cats has done something silly on the balcony.

We own a perfectly nice two bedroom multi-level flat with a front door which opens onto a much bigger garden than we'd ever get if we bought a house in the area we live in. The cat who actually goes outside loves that garden and it has lots of hidey holes in bushes for him. If we lived in a house the other cat would never get any outside time because she will only go on our balcony and is terrified of the big bad outside world.

Also if we bought a house where we live we'd lose our parking and any second bedroom would be smaller than the one we have and houses cost 50% more than our flat that we've had completely renovated.

Kariachi

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #276 on: September 13, 2013, 11:46:40 AM »
My maternal grandmother doesn't criticize so much as she compares. My mother has just stopped making stuff for her, and we've all but cut her off at this point. Every time you show her something you've made, be it art or food or whatever, you get the same response.

"You know so-and-so makes really good X."

Every. Single. Time. Mom makes her a quilt, "You know our neighbor's daughter makes really good quilts?". I bake cookies, "You know your cousin L makes the best cookies*."

Not even bothering anymore. This is the same woman who, when I was a 18 months old, told off my mother because I kept dropping the candies my grandfather was giving me onto the floor.

Her old-as-hedge dog had a seizure a few weeks after we left, she still blames us for it. Swears he ate those little candies and that's what killed him and it's our fault cause I dropped them and my mom didn't clean them up fast enough.

That same visit was the only time my eldest aunt had visited, ever, and she brought her kids. Since they were there, my younger aunts bought their kids. So, it's me (18 months), my cousin M (16 months or so), eldest aunt's two (15 months or so and 3-4 years), and my cousin J (about 10). At one point we all started jumping on the bed.

Guess who got in trouble.

Guess who was accused of having talked the others into it.

Honestly, we have no reason to believe she likes me, my mother, or my sister. Hedge, we don't have reason to believe she likes Grandpa. She's worse to him than she is to us.

She'll sit there and nag and criticize him until he makes a smart remark back, then she'll call up my aunts and cry about how he's upset her and they have to call my mother to tell her to call my Grandpa and tell him to apologize.

For those who couldn't follow that:

Grandma to Aunt- "Call your sister and tell her to talk to your father."

Aunt to Mom- "Call dad and tell him to apologize for hurting mom's feelings"

Mom to aunt- "She lives with him, if she's upset she needs to tell him herself!"

Once again, Grandma don't' like us.

Grandpa does like us though. He'll compliment you on a job well done, he'll teach you, he'll be patient with you. He loves his kids, loves his grandkids, loves being a grandpa. 

Him we'll keep.




*That's a lie. I make the best cookies. Ever. And she's never gonna get them again 'cause I don't like her.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2013, 03:56:53 PM by Kariachi »
"Heh. Forgive our manners, little creature that we may well kill and eat you is no excuse for rudeness."

weeblewobble

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #277 on: September 13, 2013, 12:15:20 PM »
Not a criticism but something they wouldn't let die:

When I was a teenager, a friend of mine was visiting and her creepy jealous boyfriend was calling to check up on her, again.
I answered the phone and (with, I admit, ill-placed humor) said, "Oh, hi Ted, yeah Sandy's here...we picked up a bunch of Norwegian sailors on the way over and we're having quite the party! Sandy, get off Gunter's lap! Ted's on the phone!" He a actually got mad at her over it.  (Extra weird, we're waaaaaaaay inland and totally not the sort of gals who'd pick up random men of any sort.)

But that's not the thing.  Apparently, based on that joke, my entire family decided that *I* was obsessed with sailors.  ???  They would not shut up about this imaginary preference. I couldn't even enjoy the old musicals I love if there were "sailor" characters without their weird comments.  It was very tiresome and soooo annoying.

HA! Two years ago, I flew cross country on my own for business conference.  It was the first time I'd ever traveled alone that distance and my dad was NOT happy about it.  Nevermind the fact that I was 33 at the time, married, with two children and had traveled extensively for business and vacation (with my husband or coworkers), including other countries and large cities with high crime rates. You will not find a more travel-safety conscious person than me.  But my dad seemed to think I would walk out of the airport and climb into an unmarked van if I was offered free candy.

So I got to the hotel, checked in without incident and texted my husband and both parents to let them know I was there. Mom texted back, "Flight OK? Hotel nice?"  and I responded, "Flight was OK, the hotel's nice.  Don't worry, I met some friendly sailors in the lobby and they're taking me out for drinks later."

Now, my mom and I can joke around like that. She knew I wasn't serious and she laughed.  Dad asked her what was funny and she, not thinking, repeated the message to him.  My dad hit the roof, said that I shouldn't be allowed out of the house if that was the sort of judgement I was showing and that from now on, he was going to go on all of my business trips with me. Mom, who thankfully kept him from calling me and fussing at me, gave him this face  ::) and said, "Good luck with that."

I'm still traveling and dad has relaxed quite a bit.

Cami

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #278 on: September 13, 2013, 12:20:28 PM »
I think a lot of nastiness comes out of insecurity.  The rest comes out of narcissism.  These two traits often co-exist.

Some people can forgive such things, but I usually don't.  The reason is that any reasonably intelligent person learns eventually to get past whatever made them this way and goes on to meaningful change for the better.  Those that don't are not deserving of forgiveness.

You are so right.  Funny how narcissism seems like extreme love of self, but it's actually born out of deep seated insecurity.  Knowing this gives a "target" some strength.
I think while that may be true in some cases, I am unwilling to generalize in that way about narcissists because I've yet to meet a single one that has any insecurity. All of the narcissists I've known (my father amongst them) were 100% convinced the world did revolve around them and that they were always right. No insecurities whatsoever.

So while there may be some narcissists who are insecure, that's not been my experience.

weeblewobble

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #279 on: September 13, 2013, 12:21:51 PM »
Since we're on the subject of my MIL, here's one related to the story about the books.

We told her our short list of names for our then as yet unborn child. As it happens, all of the names had 3 syllables.  Her response:

"WHY would you give your kids such long names? You don't know if your kid is going to be smart enough to spell a long name. He or she might be a dope, so you should give them a short name."

My dh just gapes at her and says, "So is that why my name and my siblings names are only one syllable?"

MIL: "Yes! I was afraid you'd all be dopes and unable to spell your name, so I gave you all names of one syllable because I figured no matter how stupid you might be, at least you'd be able to spell your name."

Me: "Well, maybe if you believed in giving kids books to read and reading to them, they might have a better chance  at spelling words with more than one syllable."

This is horrible, but really funny. At least she follows through on her convictions, right?  ::)

One thing I've noticed in this thread is how we often take pains to assert that we are NOT doing what our parents criticize us for! :) As if it would be okay for them to criticize if we WERE actually in the wrong, because as adults our weight/spending habits/career choice is TOTALLY still their business. What is it about parents that bring out the defensive in us...

My friend's MIL was pretty critical of her at first. The very first time she met my friend in person, she says, "So how long have you been living off my son's money?"  :o See, that's not a cool thing to say, even if it was true. I guess maybe what makes it ridiculous is how very untrue it was--that the son did not by any means have enough money to support a second person. And it was extra-cruel because at the time, my friend was out of work and feeling very depressed about it--which is what prompted his mother to make her remark. In actuality my friend and her BF were living in HER house, and she was paying her expenses from her savings. So while she would much rather have had a job with money coming in, she was by no means destitute or reduced to sponging off someone else. And you know what, even if she HAD been living off his money, they are both competent adults and that is their own decision to make.  ::) She is much more forgiving of her MIL than I would have been...

As much as I hate to engage the crazy, I wouldn't blame your friend for saying, "I'm not.  I'm paying our housing and expenses from my savings.  But thanks for asking."

weeblewobble

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #280 on: September 13, 2013, 12:23:52 PM »
Not a criticism but something they wouldn't let die:

When I was a teenager, a friend of mine was visiting and her creepy jealous boyfriend was calling to check up on her, again.
I answered the phone and (with, I admit, ill-placed humor) said, "Oh, hi Ted, yeah Sandy's here...we picked up a bunch of Norwegian sailors on the way over and we're having quite the party! Sandy, get off Gunter's lap! Ted's on the phone!" He a actually got mad at her over it.  (Extra weird, we're waaaaaaaay inland and totally not the sort of gals who'd pick up random men of any sort.)

But that's not the thing.  Apparently, based on that joke, my entire family decided that *I* was obsessed with sailors.  ???  They would not shut up about this imaginary preference. I couldn't even enjoy the old musicals I love if there were "sailor" characters without their weird comments.  It was very tiresome and soooo annoying.

Are we related?  I used to go out to the garage when my dad was fixing the car, because I was curious.  Based on this, my mother decided to joke that I wanted to be an auto mechanic when I grew up.  Not that there's anything wrong with that profession, but it wasn't what I wanted for a career.  She would. Not. Drop it.  I stopped hanging out in the garage :'( , but she still wouldn't stop. 

She did that a lot, actually- harping on something waaaaay past the point of it being funny.
When we were young and had a family game night, my brother the punster and specialist in twisted jokes quipped, "Incest - the game the whole family can play."  OK, it was a lame but funny joke once.  Only once.  And it was my brother who thought of this.  For the last 20 years my father has been telling everyone that I am the one who said this. :-[

Dude.  That is so not OK.

metallicafan

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #281 on: September 13, 2013, 12:26:39 PM »
Not a criticism but something they wouldn't let die:

When I was a teenager, a friend of mine was visiting and her creepy jealous boyfriend was calling to check up on her, again.
I answered the phone and (with, I admit, ill-placed humor) said, "Oh, hi Ted, yeah Sandy's here...we picked up a bunch of Norwegian sailors on the way over and we're having quite the party! Sandy, get off Gunter's lap! Ted's on the phone!" He a actually got mad at her over it.  (Extra weird, we're waaaaaaaay inland and totally not the sort of gals who'd pick up random men of any sort.)

But that's not the thing.  Apparently, based on that joke, my entire family decided that *I* was obsessed with sailors.  ???  They would not shut up about this imaginary preference. I couldn't even enjoy the old musicals I love if there were "sailor" characters without their weird comments.  It was very tiresome and soooo annoying.

HA! Two years ago, I flew cross country on my own for business conference.  It was the first time I'd ever traveled alone that distance and my dad was NOT happy about it.  Nevermind the fact that I was 33 at the time, married, with two children and had traveled extensively for business and vacation (with my husband or coworkers), including other countries and large cities with high crime rates. You will not find a more travel-safety conscious person than me.  But my dad seemed to think I would walk out of the airport and climb into an unmarked van if I was offered free candy.

So I got to the hotel, checked in without incident and texted my husband and both parents to let them know I was there. Mom texted back, "Flight OK? Hotel nice?"  and I responded, "Flight was OK, the hotel's nice.  Don't worry, I met some friendly sailors in the lobby and they're taking me out for drinks later."

Now, my mom and I can joke around like that. She knew I wasn't serious and she laughed.  Dad asked her what was funny and she, not thinking, repeated the message to him.  My dad hit the roof, said that I shouldn't be allowed out of the house if that was the sort of judgement I was showing and that from now on, he was going to go on all of my business trips with me. Mom, who thankfully kept him from calling me and fussing at me, gave him this face  ::) and said, "Good luck with that."

I'm still traveling and dad has relaxed quite a bit.

Weeblewobble, your preaching to the choir here.   :D  My father is the same way.  He wouldn't let me ride my bike around the block until I was 13...

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #282 on: September 13, 2013, 02:08:30 PM »
My mom "criticiezes" my height sometimes. It's totally joking, because obviously it's something I have no control over. She'll look at me and say "Why are you so tall?" and I'll say something like "You picked a guy who was 6'4"", or "Hey you're the one who insisted I eat vegetables".

My great uncle overheard her one day and looked at me goes "Why are you so tall?", so I just looked at him and said "Uh, genetics", he looked at me and said "Well, you shouldn't be so tall, girls aren't suppossed to be tall", I just said "Ok, I'll work on that".

Even now if he sees me he tells me I'm too tall and should never wear heels. Of course, cause I'm me, I almost always wear heels around him just to tick him off. Once I told him if god wanted me shorter or didn't want me wear he heels he would've made me short and made heels less cute.

Otterpop

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #283 on: September 13, 2013, 02:19:08 PM »
I think a lot of nastiness comes out of insecurity.  The rest comes out of narcissism.  These two traits often co-exist.

Some people can forgive such things, but I usually don't.  The reason is that any reasonably intelligent person learns eventually to get past whatever made them this way and goes on to meaningful change for the better.  Those that don't are not deserving of forgiveness.

You are so right.  Funny how narcissism seems like extreme love of self, but it's actually born out of deep seated insecurity.  Knowing this gives a "target" some strength.
I think while that may be true in some cases, I am unwilling to generalize in that way about narcissists because I've yet to meet a single one that has any insecurity. All of the narcissists I've known (my father amongst them) were 100% convinced the world did revolve around them and that they were always right. No insecurities whatsoever.

So while there may be some narcissists who are insecure, that's not been my experience.

That's the great deception.  They hide inside an image of extreme pride.  Most people who meet an N think they feel themselves King/Queen of the world.  The image is so good they lose themselves in it.  But when the image is threatened the mask slips.  An N will lash out, insist they're right, sulk, sabotage the threat, etc., because they HAVE to keep that image intact at all costs.  The "real" person doesn't match the grand facade.

A grounded, balanced, relatively confident person doesn't need to be extremely defensive.  They can give and take in a relationship, admit they are wrong, can perceive their own flaws and work on them.  It won't shake their self-perception, there's no (or very little) fake image,  so there's no need to steam-roll others.

So your experience is correct because it's the image that the N is putting forth.  If you ever see the mask slip, you'll know.  Then watch out...

(My aunt who criticizes me during EVERY conversation was "the black sheep" growing up.  She made something of herself in spite of everyone's predictions.  You'd think she'd be proud and encouraging of us.  Instead, she's turned into her hated harpy mother and grandmother.  Why, is beyond me ::)  Feel free to chime in with an explanation anyone.)
« Last Edit: September 13, 2013, 02:23:00 PM by Otterpop »

mumma to KMC

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #284 on: September 13, 2013, 02:40:56 PM »
My mother used to criticize me about my weight, but she's really backed off the past few years. I think she finally sees that I eat well, exercise somewhat, and in general take care of myself, I'm just heavier.

I don't have a great relationship with my father. Nothing horrible happened, but he favors my older sister to the extreme. I started distancing myself a few years back and now we talk on Father's Day, his birthday, and maybe Christmas, and things are a lot better. (Notice I didn't say my birthday :)) To this day, with me being 36, I don't think my father thinks I can make sound financial decision. Yes, I had trouble with credit card debt in my 20s but that got under control and things are just fine now. However, to this day, I still have a kind of buyers remorse after making a big purchase like the home we bought, or the car we took out a loan to buy.

I do take that back, we were discussing interest rates on cars and I mentioned what we had on my husband's car and my dad was super impressed. :) Maybe he doesn't think so badly of me now.