Author Topic: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about  (Read 74711 times)

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Cz. Burrito

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #690 on: October 12, 2013, 10:05:53 AM »
They switched their pleas of poverty over to "well yes we COULD afford it but we CHOOSE not to" after that day.

That to me is more honest and more helpful in the long run. I hate it when people say "I can't afford it" when actually they mean "I don't want to spend my money on that." I can't "afford" £500 for a girl's night out but I can "afford" £500 for new glasses/car repairs/whatever I chose. Helping people understand there are consequences to choices is much more helpful than instilling the idea that X is okay to spend money on and Y is not.

I've tried to change my mindset over to that for myself.  I don't have to answer to anybody else or justify my choices to anybody else, but it's empowering to embrace that what I spend my money on is a choice; nobody is forcing me to do it.  I think that's a good attitude to instill in children.  I choose not to afford a more expensive home or car because I choose to put money in savings so as to improve my security for the future.  Other people choose differently and that is their choice.  I think it does no good to cry poor when that's not the whole story.  Now, certainly, for some people, it is more true than for others.  There are some people who have to choose between paying the electric bill or buying food, which is still a choice, granted one with a lot more gravity to it that feels a heck of a lot less empowering.  On the other end of things, I know children whose mother has bought a vacation home and cries poor all the time because she has to pay two mortgages.  The children feel like the family is poor and that they are a burden on their mother because she is treating a very, very obvious financial choice as something that was forced upon her.  That does a great disservice to the children.

Thipu1

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #691 on: October 12, 2013, 11:42:40 AM »
One time I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when I visited my mother.  I didn't realize it would be a problem at the time but it caused all sorts of scuttlebutt in the family.

The truth was innocent.  I had been working with a wire brush and my ring finger had been pierced by one of the bristles. This made the ring uncomfortable so I took it off for a few days. 

Unfortunately, those few days coincided with a visit to my mother. She didn't say a word to me about it but the state of our marriage became a major topic of speculation. 

weeblewobble

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #692 on: October 12, 2013, 09:10:32 PM »
One time I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when I visited my mother.  I didn't realize it would be a problem at the time but it caused all sorts of scuttlebutt in the family.

The truth was innocent.  I had been working with a wire brush and my ring finger had been pierced by one of the bristles. This made the ring uncomfortable so I took it off for a few days. 

Unfortunately, those few days coincided with a visit to my mother. She didn't say a word to me about it but the state of our marriage became a major topic of speculation.

Ha! I participate in an exercise class in which wearing any rings would injure me or the people I am sparring with.  A friend's mom saw me walking into class and I stopped to say hello.  She asked where my wedding ring was and I said I took it off for class.  She whispered, "But aren't there MEN in that class?  Won't they get the wrong idea if you don't have on a ring?"

Because apparently, by taking off my wedding ring, I took down my invisible shield of propriety.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #693 on: October 12, 2013, 10:35:00 PM »
I always knew mine and my mom's budget. I mean, not at like 5, but once I was around 11 I did. Heck when I was a teenager I handled all our grocery shopping and was often put in charge of paying bills. Not because my mom couldn't, but she worked full time and went to school and often picked up an extra job or extra shifts so we could make it, so she didn't have time to grocery shop or sit down and pay the bills. I also handled our laundry, made us dinners, and after seeing what she spent eating in her work cafeteria every day, started making her lunches. But our family dynamic was different then the average families, it was just the two of us, she had to rely on me to handle some adult things or she would've gone batty. And I liked it, I felt very grown up with my coupons and grocery list (as an adult I feel less grown up with my grocery list and can never remember the dang coupons). And I'll say this, I was much more prepared for adulthood then my friends were. I had to sit most of them down and go "Ok, so this is a budget"....and credit cards are not part of your budget.

However I think "No, we can't afford that", is a pretty basic standard thing most parents say to kids. "Mom, I want a iPad!", "No", "But why not?", "Because we can't afford an iPad", "But I want one!", "We still can't afford it", seems like a reasonable answer to me.
I would go further. My Cousin C's son wanted an Ipad desperately his 2nd grade year. They helped him compare prices and specs and gave him a flat amount they would contribute. They also let the rest of the family know he was saving up for one, when we asked about birthday and Christmas. He saved his allowance money, school snack money, did extra chores, worked for neighbors, and between July and December saved enough money for his Ipad. You better believe that thing gets treated with great care.

My kids like to save for "big" things with their allowance (big, in their minds, is stuff like the LEGO sets that are in the $30-80 range).  They do pretty well with it, especially as they don't have much chance to spend their money on little stuff.  They do need to buy presents for sisters' birthdays, but they still usually manage to save up enough to get a new LEGO set every few months or so.  One nice thing about this is that it gives them a really understandable point of comparison.  We can point out that a season of soccer costs as much as buying that really awesome LEGO riding camp set that they long for.  Or that one month's violin lessons cost the same as the LEGO cafe.  Etc.  It helps them understand just how much an activity, or clothes, or whatever cost in comparison to other things.  They can see that a season of soccer, two months, costs the same as clothes for a kid for an entire season.

When they'd get older, we'd like to give them a very large allowance, but have them responsible for paying for a lot of stuff... their clothes, lessons, any special foods, books and toys, whatever.  That way, if they really want those awesome sneakers, they can get them, but then they might have to buy cheaper other clothes, or go without juice, or wait longer to save up for that American Girl doll, whatever.

When my MIL was in high school, she had a teacher who gave this assignment where each kid got a certain amount of money, and they were supposed to use it to outfit their first apartment.  My MIL used almost all of it on buying a really great sound system, and bought just the very basics otherwise (a mattress and sheets/blankets/pillow to sleep on the floor, some kitchen stuff).  The teacher failed her, saying she needed to learn how to prioritize.  My MIL argued that she did know how to prioritize!  She could live without a kitchen table, she'd eat on the floor.  She could live without a couch, she'd sit on her bed.  But she couldn't live without being able to listen to music, and it needed to sound good.  I thought that was pretty hilarious, especially as my MIL has a talented eye for decorating and has a beautiful home.  And a nice sound system.  :)

Asharah

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #694 on: October 12, 2013, 11:00:16 PM »
One time I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when I visited my mother.  I didn't realize it would be a problem at the time but it caused all sorts of scuttlebutt in the family.

The truth was innocent.  I had been working with a wire brush and my ring finger had been pierced by one of the bristles. This made the ring uncomfortable so I took it off for a few days. 

Unfortunately, those few days coincided with a visit to my mother. She didn't say a word to me about it but the state of our marriage became a major topic of speculation.

Ha! I participate in an exercise class in which wearing any rings would injure me or the people I am sparring with.  A friend's mom saw me walking into class and I stopped to say hello.  She asked where my wedding ring was and I said I took it off for class.  She whispered, "But aren't there MEN in that class?  Won't they get the wrong idea if you don't have on a ring?"

Because apparently, by taking off my wedding ring, I took down my invisible shield of propriety.
Somewhere there is a story posted from a woman who got lectured that she was advertising she wanted to have an affair if she didn't wear her wedding ring. She doesn't wear her wedding ring because it aggravates her eczema.  ::)
Asharah

Library Dragon

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #695 on: October 15, 2013, 02:56:19 AM »
DSs once asked why I always said, "we'll see" instead of giving an immediate answer.  I explained that without all information I'd have to default to 'no'.  It's baggage carried over from my childhood.  I was always promised things (new outfit for choir, an event, etc.) that never materialized. It happened so often I trained myself not to get excited until it actually occurred.  Of course I was criticized for that as well. 

So, as a parent if I said I would do something it would happen. I had to put my foot down with DH over it.  This included driving from Italy to Bilund, Denmark because DH promised that we would take DS1 to Legoland before leaving Europe.  Fortunately we could combine it with a trip to see friends in The Netherlands.

DSs understood why "we'll see" wasn't a no, but a chance to really make a yes if possible.

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English1

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #696 on: October 15, 2013, 06:39:14 AM »
My parents seem to think I'm an alcoholic and drink drive if not stopped.

I am not an alcoholic. I never drink drive.

What I have done (in the past until I realised what impression they were getting) was let my hair down at a few family parties, had a few drinks and got quite merry, but ONLY when I wasn't driving home. This seems to have translated into their thinking I'm always getting like that.

I find myself being offered a glass of wine only to be given about 1cm of wine topped up with Lemonade and they think I won't notice.

This is because my Dad doesn't drink and my mum's a 'sherry at Christmas' type. *sigh*.

Apart from that they are lovely  :)

laud_shy_girl

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #697 on: October 15, 2013, 07:27:48 AM »
I get told off for "Showing off and using big words" I get the impression, they think I am some how Superior to them.  ::)

The best bit is the word I got told off for first that I can recall (I was 15) was prerogative. A word I learned when I was 12 from Dr Julian Bashir of Deep space 9.

I love my mum but it does make me feel like the black sheep when you are asked "why can't you talk like normal people. no one else in the family talks like that."


                                       
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #698 on: October 15, 2013, 07:52:16 AM »
I was always kind of the Anne Shirley of the family, known for having my head in the clouds most of the time.  And while I wasn't really criticized for it, in looking back on it, some of the family members liked that and some of the more practical-minded family members seemed to have a "she'll grow out of it" mindset to it.

I haven't grown out of it, though. :) In high school a friend told me her mom called me "whimsical" which I took as a high compliment. :D And even more recently I've been called the "oddest of odd ducks", a free spirit and my bf told me I've got my head in the clouds, which she said is a good thing.

Which is why she's my best friend. :D
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KenveeB

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #699 on: October 15, 2013, 08:16:40 AM »
I get told off for "Showing off and using big words" I get the impression, they think I am some how Superior to them.  ::)

The best bit is the word I got told off for first that I can recall (I was 15) was prerogative. A word I learned when I was 12 from Dr Julian Bashir of Deep space 9.

I love my mum but it does make me feel like the black sheep when you are asked "why can't you talk like normal people. no one else in the family talks like that."
                                     

I hear you! My cousin once said she wasn't going to chat with me online anymore because I used too many big words. We'd chatted all of once. I looked back over the chat log and couldn't find any words over two syllables. I still don't know what she was talking about. My brother also always teased me about using big words. I once said it was "sweltering" and he said "why can't you just say hot?" Well, it wasn't hot, it was sweltering. There's a different connotation. We have a lovely and rich language, why not use it?

TootsNYC

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #700 on: October 15, 2013, 09:27:11 AM »
DSs once asked why I always said, "we'll see" instead of giving an immediate answer.  I explained that without all information I'd have to default to 'no'.  It's baggage carried over from my childhood.  I was always promised things (new outfit for choir, an event, etc.) that never materialized. It happened so often I trained myself not to get excited until it actually occurred.  Of course I was criticized for that as well. 

So, as a parent if I said I would do something it would happen. I had to put my foot down with DH over it.  This included driving from Italy to Bilund, Denmark because DH promised that we would take DS1 to Legoland before leaving Europe.  Fortunately we could combine it with a trip to see friends in The Netherlands.

DSs understood why "we'll see" wasn't a no, but a chance to really make a yes if possible.

I do try to follow up any "we'll see" with an explanation of why it's an iffy thing: "I don't have time to really think about it now"; "we might not have time."

flickan

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #701 on: October 15, 2013, 09:51:31 AM »
One time I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when I visited my mother.  I didn't realize it would be a problem at the time but it caused all sorts of scuttlebutt in the family.

The truth was innocent.  I had been working with a wire brush and my ring finger had been pierced by one of the bristles. This made the ring uncomfortable so I took it off for a few days. 

Unfortunately, those few days coincided with a visit to my mother. She didn't say a word to me about it but the state of our marriage became a major topic of speculation.

I am lucky in this respect.  I stopped wearing my wedding band after about a week because I felt uncomfortable wearing something so valuable everyday (it's just a gold ring but it's a family heirloom) and then I outgrew it when my fingers got pudgier.  My mother is usually a bloodhound about anything that smacks of impropriety and she has yet to notice.  I think my inlaws have noticed but they haven't said anything but everyone probably assumes it's because I rarely wear jewelry.  I sure would love to be able to wear it sometimes but I can't justify the cost of resizing it.

I think nowadays it's more acceptable to make a concious choice to wear it or not as opposed to feeling pressured to wear it because you're married.  My spouse wears his all the time because he likes to.  There's no deep meaning to whether we are currently wearing them or not, it's enough that we have them.

acicularis

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #702 on: October 15, 2013, 10:00:32 AM »
Here's another one about hair: When I was a teenager, my mother had this thing about me washing my hair "too much." I washed it every other day, because if I didn't, it got very oily. My mother claimed that a friend of hers had read something about models who had gone bald from washing their hair too often. "They literally washed the hair off of their heads!" she warned me.

And don't get me started on the whole don't go to bed with a wet head, don't go out with a wet head, don't go out with a head that has recently been wet issue. That way lies madness.

unnalee

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #703 on: October 15, 2013, 10:08:29 AM »
Since DH and I have had our girls, my mom can't seem to stop herself from questioning/commenting on/criticizing our parenting.  It was so much easier to avoid when we lived a state away.  Now that she sees us a few times a week, and she volunteers at my work, the comments are much harder to avoid.

Latest examples:

My oldest started pre-school this year.  She catches the bus from my office.  We sit in the lobby of my building, so she's only outside for the time it takes to get to and from the car.  Since my mom works close by, she often comes over before work to see my daughter. 

DD is tall and lanky, like my husband.  She doesn't have any extra "insulation" on her.  It's getting cold here in the mornings, and I make sure she is dressed in layers.  She usually has on a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, cardigan, a hooded fleece coat, and a little cap.    I have gloves in her backpack, but she usually doesn't want to wear them.

EVERY morning, my mom comments about how cold DD looks/feels.  If DD has taken her cap off in the car, my mom will look at me agast and say, "Don't you have a hat for her to wear?"  If she holds her hand to walk into the lobby, she says, "Do you hold on to ice cubes every morning?"  Then she looks at me and says, "Where are her gloves?"  My mom even went so far as to buy DD several sets of new gloves so we could keep a pair in the car "In case your mommy (me) forgets to put them in your bag."  She's also gone and bought her new jeans (because the pants/leggings/tights DD usually wants to wear "aren't heavy enough to keep her warm.") 

I think she means well, and doesn't see how I could interpret it as criticizing my abilities to take care of my child's needs, but when I try to calmly mention that I've got the clothing situation well in control, and I would never let her go to school in clothing inappropriate for weather conditions, my mother gets upset with me! 

Thipu1

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Re: Ridiculous things your parents criticize you about
« Reply #704 on: October 15, 2013, 10:13:56 AM »
This one wasn't from my parents.  It was from an Aunt who was extremely prim but had a very dirty mind.

BG:  in High School, I was friends with a guy named Bob.  We liked the same music and books but had no romantic interest in each other at all.  He had two older brothers and saw me as a sister.  I had no siblings and saw him as a brother.  He helped me with my math homework and I helped him with history.  I think the only time we even held hands was when he helped me off a roller coaster.  END OF BG.

It was my High School graduation party.  My friends were dancing in the driveway and my relatives were sitting in chairs on the lawn. 

It was after the barbecue and my mother  was getting the cake and ice cream together.  Since Bob was pretty much a fixture at our house, she suggested that we might go back by the barn and pick some fresh berries to serve with dessert.  She gave us each a saucepan and we headed off. 

We were gone a total of fifteen minutes and came back with our saucepans full.  I should also say
that the berry bushes were in full sight of everyone at the party. 

When we got back, Aunt motioned me over to her.  She sat like the queen in her lawn chair and asked me to sit down.  Of course, the only place I could sit was on the ground at her feet.  With quivering voice and tears in her eyes (my Mother's sisters were good at this sort of thing) she solemnly announced,

'Thipu, you don't have to sneak off in the bushes with a boy to be popular'. 

Only the Deity knows what she thought we could possibly have been doing but it wasn't good.