Author Topic: Do I have to invite _him_?  (Read 12874 times)

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Shoo

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #105 on: September 15, 2013, 12:03:02 PM »
My feeling is that if the OP's parents knew about this guy's behavior and how he was treating their daughter over the years yet kept inviting him over anyway, then that's just tough beans if they get the brunt of the consequences.

I agree.  They have enabled Hector, so why shouldn't they feel the consequences of doing that? 

sammycat

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #106 on: September 15, 2013, 11:48:36 PM »
Why doesn't Hortense rein in Hector? She presumably knows what a perve her husband is, why isn't SHE keeping an eye on him at parties and making sure he doesn't harrass women?

Good point. 

Hortense may well be a lovely person but she is also enabling Hector in his perverted and anti-social behaviour. If she's going to stand by while he harasses people then I have little sympathy for her when there are consequences to that, eg. social invitations drying up.

Shoo

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #107 on: September 16, 2013, 03:26:52 PM »
Why doesn't Hortense rein in Hector? She presumably knows what a perve her husband is, why isn't SHE keeping an eye on him at parties and making sure he doesn't harrass women?

Good point. 

Hortense may well be a lovely person but she is also enabling Hector in his perverted and anti-social behaviour. If she's going to stand by while he harasses people then I have little sympathy for her when there are consequences to that, eg. social invitations drying up.

Yes, absolutely agree with this.

weeblewobble

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #108 on: September 20, 2013, 06:31:49 PM »
This hits very close to home for me.

I was assaulted two years ago. When DH and I told my parents we were engaged some time later, they insisted that I invite the responsible parties to the wedding. That was, I'm sure you'll understand, not at all negotiable. But, from their point of view, it would look bad (small town and all) if these people weren't there due to the close family relationship they had.

This was one of the last few straws that lead to a cut. To say the process was unpleasant would be a horrendous understatement. I had counselling for almost a year.

I understand how sticky and tense this situation must feel, and how it can be awful to accept that maybe, no matter what you do, someone will be upset. If that is how it turns out, then please just remember: this is your engagement. Of all the events in life, this is one of the few where you don't have to feel guilty about not doing something that makes you understandably uncomfortable.

Hortense understands how her husband is. Depending on how close you are to her, could you ask her in person if she'd be offended or unable to attend if you didn't invite lecherous Hector as well as her? If she was fine with it, then you'd make your parents and yourself happy.

If your relationship isn't one where this would be feasible, then don't invite them. Part of being a unit with someone else is taking what comes with it. "For better or worse" and all that, if you like. I'm sure Hortense is lovely, but you won't be able to relax during your own celebration if Hector comes along and leers or makes sexual passes at children.

Moreover: the whole point of being a good hostess is doing what is best for your guests. Inviting Hector hardly fits the bill here. It would be a far better thing, hostess-wise, to not invite someone who will upset half the guests and make disgusting, sexual comments at young girls who should never, ever be subjected to such a thing. Allowing this would not be the mark of a good hostess at all.

If somehow not inviting the couple isn't possible either, then you might have to scale back the event, sadly. Unless you feel that having Hector harass your guests is a better option, which I don't.

Pen, I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Nothing you post about your parents surprises me anymore, unfortunately.  I'm sorry to delve into past trauma, but would it be OK if I asked:

1) Did you end up inviting the responsible parties to the wedding? (Did they attend?)

2) Did your parents acknowledge the assault at all or was it a case of the "yeah, buts" as in, "Yeah, they hurt you horribly, but they have to be included in one of the most important days of your life because we'll be embarrassed otherwise."

Pen^2

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #109 on: September 26, 2013, 02:07:55 PM »
Pen, I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Nothing you post about your parents surprises me anymore, unfortunately.  I'm sorry to delve into past trauma, but would it be OK if I asked:

1) Did you end up inviting the responsible parties to the wedding? (Did they attend?)

2) Did your parents acknowledge the assault at all or was it a case of the "yeah, buts" as in, "Yeah, they hurt you horribly, but they have to be included in one of the most important days of your life because we'll be embarrassed otherwise."

Sorry for the late reply. And it's fine to ask. In response:

1) No. As I said, it was not up for negotiation. I am not ever again willingly spending time with someone who assaulted me and showed no remorse or gave any indication that it wouldn't happen again. We had a registry office thing, so the time and date were not made publicly available and they had security who were very helpful when we explained things to them anyway as a precaution. If unwanted people had shown up unexpectedly, there or anywhere else, we would have called the police. If someone knows you don't want anything to do with them and they actually want to change that, they don't do it by showing up uninvited and imposing themselves upon you. I'd assume the worst for safety's sake, if nothing else.

2) I was told twice, "Get over it." Once I was told, "Sweep it under the rug." I received a very unpleasant email which explained why, "Family comes first," means that despite what I did to the attacker (how dare I make someone attack me and then call the police!), I need to still do what they want because what the family wants trumps my silly notions of safety. There was never even a, "They hurt you but <justification>" because they never even mentioned that I was hurt at all, even when I first spoke to them about it. I recall, not an hour after the attack, being curled up in the foetal position crying on the floor while my father berated me for having the audacity to be upset. Not once did they ask if I was alright, or how I was doing, or anything. What my parents did hurt me a great deal more than anything else. I don't think they even realise that, even though myself and several other people made it very clear to them. Nothing was acknowledged and nothing was apologised for, unless you count the, "I'm sorry you're so stupid," I got at one point.

Safety is not something that should ever be compromised on, no matter what. There are no excuses. Not acknowledging Hector's horrendous behaviour is a disgustingly low thing to do. He's not attacking anyone (that we know of) but hitting on children is in the same category of inhuman and intolerable. I'm interested in how the OP ended up handling this. Anything worth updating, OP?

cicero

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #110 on: September 27, 2013, 08:35:01 AM »
Pen, I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Nothing you post about your parents surprises me anymore, unfortunately.  I'm sorry to delve into past trauma, but would it be OK if I asked:

1) Did you end up inviting the responsible parties to the wedding? (Did they attend?)

2) Did your parents acknowledge the assault at all or was it a case of the "yeah, buts" as in, "Yeah, they hurt you horribly, but they have to be included in one of the most important days of your life because we'll be embarrassed otherwise."

Sorry for the late reply. And it's fine to ask. In response:

1) No. As I said, it was not up for negotiation. I am not ever again willingly spending time with someone who assaulted me and showed no remorse or gave any indication that it wouldn't happen again. We had a registry office thing, so the time and date were not made publicly available and they had security who were very helpful when we explained things to them anyway as a precaution. If unwanted people had shown up unexpectedly, there or anywhere else, we would have called the police. If someone knows you don't want anything to do with them and they actually want to change that, they don't do it by showing up uninvited and imposing themselves upon you. I'd assume the worst for safety's sake, if nothing else.

2) I was told twice, "Get over it." Once I was told, "Sweep it under the rug." I received a very unpleasant email which explained why, "Family comes first," means that despite what I did to the attacker (how dare I make someone attack me and then call the police!), I need to still do what they want because what the family wants trumps my silly notions of safety. There was never even a, "They hurt you but <justification>" because they never even mentioned that I was hurt at all, even when I first spoke to them about it. I recall, not an hour after the attack, being curled up in the foetal position crying on the floor while my father berated me for having the audacity to be upset. Not once did they ask if I was alright, or how I was doing, or anything. What my parents did hurt me a great deal more than anything else. I don't think they even realise that, even though myself and several other people made it very clear to them. Nothing was acknowledged and nothing was apologised for, unless you count the, "I'm sorry you're so stupid," I got at one point.

Safety is not something that should ever be compromised on, no matter what. There are no excuses. Not acknowledging Hector's horrendous behaviour is a disgustingly low thing to do. He's not attacking anyone (that we know of) but hitting on children is in the same category of inhuman and intolerable. I'm interested in how the OP ended up handling this. Anything worth updating, OP?
Pen - I am so sorry for what happened to you- the terrible assault and the horrible way you were treated by your family - that is on inexcusable.

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Venus193

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Re: Do I have to invite _him_?
« Reply #111 on: September 27, 2013, 08:44:26 AM »
This is inexcusable.  I would definitely disown relatives who had so little respect for me.