Your schedule changes affect me - update #31

[AmethystAnne]

It will feel weird to say "No" to schedule changes you haven't been consulted about. But it is important to do so!

Your plans are just as important as hers are. You made appointments around her schedule, and then she changed it assuming you'd be available whenever she needed you.

[rigs32]

You need to make it clear that she needs to run any schedule changes by you or she runs the risk of you not being available. 

[Xandraea]

Knitterly, I currently use a babysitter that is also very flexible.  I ask for last minute changes somewhat frequently.  On a rare occasion or two, she's been unable to accommodate me.  So I worked it out by taking a personal day or calling into work.  It was my problem; it never occurred to me that baby sitter would have to alter her plans.

This.  It doesn't hurt to ask, but to _expect_ the babysitter to rearrange her own schedule last minute to accommodate yours would be rude.

ETA: A more regular schedule would make it easier for you (OP) to get your own things done on days without Bob, but in any case, Bob's mother needs to understand that you may not be able to change your own plans to accommodate her last-minute needs and that she should check your availability first (as far in advance as possible), rather than spring changes on you.  Asking you ahead of time not only gives you the chance to be flexible to make yourself available if you choose to, it gives her time to find a suitable alternative if you are not available.

[turnip]

It sounds to me like you need to be clearer with her about your plans.  I'm a working mom and I will ask for schedule changes based on different appointments, meetings, etc.  But I ask _because_ I want to know if it's OK, and I will try to arrange something else if it's not.   Recently a lot of changes have been going on and ( for example ) I asked my care-provider to stay a couple of extra hours and feed both kids dinner with very short notice!  She cheerfully said she could, and as far as I know there were no problems.  If it had been a huge problem with her and she was smiling to hide her grimace, I'd be horrified.

It sounds like your 'mom' is asking you for changes, you are saying "Yes", and then you are irritated at the trouble you have to go to to rearrange things.   You probably should have a discussion about what your 'default' schedule is, and how you may not be able to easily accommodate  changes.  The flip-side to that is that she may decide she needs someone else with more flexibility.   

[TootsNYC]

There are degrees of pushing back.

You can resist, and pressure her to think of other things she could do rather than changing your schedule. And then if she truly can't find anything else, you can say, "I'll cancel all of my plans, etc., this time, then. But this is an indicator that I really need you to be as predictable as it's possible to be, because I make plans for the time that I'm not working for you.

[bopper]

"MomofKid, I had two appointments scheduled for Tuesday.  I chose Tuesday because the schedule you gave me does not include Tuesdays.   Now you are telling me you need me to watch Junior that day.  I will
A) rearrange my schedule this time but in the future you need to give me two weeks notice.
B) not be able to rearrange my schedule as these appointments were made months in advance and I cannot wait another month for them.

[Dazi]

I don't have kids, but I cannot imagine only having one babysitter.  When I was a child my mother had at least 3 regular sitters for us (1 really regular one and 2 backups), plus 2 or 3 willing family members if there was a scheduling conflict or other emergency. 

Personally, I wouldn't change my appointments.  They are a pain in the bacon-fed knave to get scheduled in the first place and it's difficult to actually get them all on the same day.  Also, depending on the type of appointment, sometimes you are looking at a month or maybe even 4 months to get back in (dental hygienist, I'm looking at you). 

She gave you her schedule, you scheduled yourself accordingly.  She can either change her schedule back or find someone else to watch her kid for one day.

[lowspark]

This is a case of "my time is more valuable than yours". It seems to me that since you don't have a job outside the home, she just assumes that you're available to care for her child any time any day with little notice. After all, you don't have any other job so what could you possibly have to do that would override taking care of Bob?

I agree with just saying no. Tell her exactly what you told us.

My schedule is set according to the days you tell me in advance and I use days without Bob to get errands run especailly since my access to the one car in the family is limited. So sorry, I won't be able to watch Bob this time. You're welcome to ask with short notice as long as you understand that there will be times when I'll have to decline. This is one of those times.

There is no reason for you to feel bad for saying no. Because even if the reason you didn't want to watch Bob was because you wanted to watch the grass grow instead, you have a right to say no. Unless your agreement with Jan constitutes being on call 24/7 to watch Bob, last minute changes in the schedule have to be okayed on a case by case basis at your convenience.

And once you explain it to her, I'm sure she'll understand and realize that it's not fair of her to expect you to be at her beck and call.

[turnip]

I don't know.  Every job I've had since I was a teen, there were times when I was asked to work late/early/extra shifts etc. on late notice.   I don't always say yes, I don't always say no - I consider my plans vs. the extra income vs. my desire to look like a valuable employee and and make a decision that works the best for me.

I can't help but feel that you're letting your friendship and your childrens's friendship cloud this issue when it's really a very straightforward one.   It is not rude of your employer to ask you if you can do some more work, nor is it uncommon.  I think you'd be better off viewing this as a professional issue, because right now you seem to feel like a friend is asking for a favor and that's really not accurate.

[EllenS]

There's no reason for you to feel bad for saying "I can't" and tie yourself in knot thinking, "well, I COULD, it's just not convenient...."

You are responsible for Bob while you are watching him. You are not responsible for Bob's mom and her job.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible", or if the literal meaning of "possible" troubles you, how about "that just doesn't work for me this week."  I think overexplaining or trying to change your schedule around makes this more of a big deal than it needs to be.

You are feeling the inner pressure of your boundaries.  Do your friend/client the favor of (kindly) not letting her run over them, and don't run over them for her.  It will only create resentment in you where there does not need to be.

[Eden]

I can't help but feel that you're letting your friendship and your childrens's friendship cloud this issue when it's really a very straightforward one.   It is not rude of your employer to ask you if you can do some more work, nor is it uncommon.  I think you'd be better off viewing this as a professional issue, because right now you seem to feel like a friend is asking for a favor and that's really not accurate.

I agree to a degree, but this is the result of the "employer" changing her own schedule at her whim, it appears. Similar to any other working situation, it would be appropriate for OP to discuss what is appropriate notice for her to accommodate the changes other than in case of an unforeseen emergency. She may also let her employer know that, even with notice, there may be times she won't be able to accommodate the change and the extra notice will allow the employer time to make other arrangements on those occasions.

[EllenS]

I can't help but feel that you're letting your friendship and your childrens's friendship cloud this issue when it's really a very straightforward one.   It is not rude of your employer to ask you if you can do some more work, nor is it uncommon.  I think you'd be better off viewing this as a professional issue, because right now you seem to feel like a friend is asking for a favor and that's really not accurate.

I agree to a degree, but this is the result of the "employer" changing her own schedule at her whim, it appears. Similar to any other working situation, it would be appropriate for OP to discuss what is appropriate notice for her to accommodate the changes other than in case of an unforeseen emergency. She may also let her employer know that, even with notice, there may be times she won't be able to accommodate the change and the extra notice will allow the employer time to make other arrangements on those occasions.

I think the difference is not, whether it is OK to say no to an employer, but how far you need to go to accomodate them.  Helping a friend who is "in a bind", is emotionally different than deciding whether to take on last-minute work for an employer/client.

[Eden]

Agreed, EllenS, it is emotionally different. That's why I'm advising to think of it as an employer/employee relationship when it comes to the childcare situation. And in some cases an employer may request a change in schedule. Also to avoid the "professional" situation affecting the personal situation, it's best to establish expectations now so there are no hard feelings later on.

[Ms_Cellany]

Agreed, EllenS, it is emotionally different. That's why I'm advising to think of it as an employer/employee relationship when it comes to the childcare situation. And in some cases an employer may request a change in schedule. Also to avoid the "professional" situation affecting the personal situation, it's best to establish expectations now so there are no hard feelings later on.

I think it might be better for the PO to regard the mom as a "client" rather than an "employer."  Employers get to pull all kinds of carp. Clients don't.

[turnip]

Agreed, EllenS, it is emotionally different. That's why I'm advising to think of it as an employer/employee relationship when it comes to the childcare situation. And in some cases an employer may request a change in schedule. Also to avoid the "professional" situation affecting the personal situation, it's best to establish expectations now so there are no hard feelings later on.

I think it might be better for the PO to regard the mom as a "client" rather than an "employer."  Employers get to pull all kinds of carp. Clients don't.

This very much depends on how much you rely on your client's business.  I've had to put up with much more carp from clients _because_ they have a shorter time frame are not concerned about our long term relationship, whereas employers ( generally ) want to keep me around if only to avoid having to hire and train someone else.

I guess I still don't see why the other Mom is being accused of pulling 'carp' or changing things 'on a whim'.  It sounds like the other Mom is trying to deal with her own work place changes and hoping the OP can help.   If the OP can't help, she can say so.