Author Topic: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations  (Read 6453 times)

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Psychopoesie

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FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« on: September 08, 2013, 08:52:01 PM »
BG: One of my Facebook friends got married this weekend. It was apparently a surprise to the guests who'd been invited to a garden party. Only the timing & venue would have been a surprise - they'd been living together for a while, engaged for a bit and talking of getting married next year on an overseas trip (without any guests). End BG.

Anyway, the friend announced that she'd been married on Facebook so I went in to post congrats and noticed one fb comment that wasn't like the others:
 
         "Why wasn't I invited? :( What happened to [overseas wedding destination]?"

Who does that?  :o

I don't know the poster's exact relationship to the bride (maybe the person was a sibling or other close family) but that didn't seem the place or time (if there is one) to raise the issue. Nothing to indicate the person was joking.

Everyone else just kept on with congrats and positive comments. The bride didn't respond (publicly at least) and just liked all the comments.

More of a story than a request for advice, although I am curious to know how others would respond if they were the bride or knew the poster of the comment. Also, I've assumed that the poster's comment is rude from an etiquette standpoint - so if anyone thinks this is ok, interested to know reasons.

:)


Sharnita

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2013, 09:04:57 PM »
It seems rude unless there is more to tje story. If she is a sibling or somebody else who has neen led to believe there would be destination wedding.that.she'd be invited to, I could.understand confusion and frustration. Better to express those privately but when you are taken by surprise you don't always think.

Psychopoesie

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2013, 09:11:37 PM »
OP here. Just to clarify, if they'd had the wedding overseas, my understanding was that no one was being invited - was going to be romantic getaway with just the two of them (not a destination wedding).

Luci

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2013, 10:07:03 PM »
I truly don't understand the problem.

The couple got married, but the friends were expecting something else and asked in a silly manner about the change in plans. They weren't at the garden party and we don't really know or care whether they were invited or not.

"Who does that?" in putting that on Facebook? Anyone who cares and is being silly.

Psychopoesie

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2013, 10:47:22 PM »
I truly don't understand the problem.

The couple got married, but the friends were expecting something else and asked in a silly manner about the change in plans. They weren't at the garden party and we don't really know or care whether they were invited or not.

"Who does that?" in putting that on Facebook? Anyone who cares and is being silly.

OP again.

Luci45, the bride shared her happy news on fb. Instead of wishing the bride well on the day of her wedding or not commenting (both polite options), the poster made her lack of an invitation a public issue (rude IMO). YMMV.








WillyNilly

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2013, 10:48:16 PM »
To be honest I don't believe in the idea that Facebook is not a real realm of life, and that normal manners are suspended. It is, and always has been, rude to discuss parties you host publicly to a wide audience among friends when many of those friends were not invited.

I have mentioned in conversation to people that I am married, but I don't [socially] bring up my wedding to people who were not invited. While I think the commenter was rude to call out the bride publicly, I think her sentiment was pretty spot on.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2013, 11:06:36 PM by WillyNilly »

Luci

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2013, 11:13:26 PM »
I truly don't understand the problem.

The couple got married, but the friends were expecting something else and asked in a silly manner about the change in plans. They weren't at the garden party and we don't really know or care whether they were invited or not.

"Who does that?" in putting that on Facebook? Anyone who cares and is being silly.

OP again.

Luci45, the bride shared her happy news on fb. Instead of wishing the bride well on the day of her wedding or not commenting (both polite options), the poster made her lack of an invitation a public issue (rude IMO). YMMV.

Thanks for trying to explain it to me, but I really don't get it.

Yes, my interpretation varies.

I think commenter was being silly and having fun. We don't know if she sent a gift or other personal congratulations, or the relationship with the couple.


CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2013, 02:14:25 AM »
Thanks for trying to explain it to me, but I really don't get it.

Yes, my interpretation varies.

I think commenter was being silly and having fun. We don't know if she sent a gift or other personal congratulations, or the relationship with the couple.
That's what smilies are for.  :)  Without one, the FB comment came across as hostile.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

*inviteseller

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2013, 08:27:03 AM »
To be honest I don't believe in the idea that Facebook is not a real realm of life, and that normal manners are suspended. It is, and always has been, rude to discuss parties you host publicly to a wide audience among friends when many of those friends were not invited.

I have mentioned in conversation to people that I am married, but I don't [socially] bring up my wedding to people who were not invited. While I think the commenter was rude to call out the bride publicly, I think her sentiment was pretty spot on.

I don't think this falls under discussing a party who others would not be invited to.  This woman was announcing her marriage on a fairly public forum that we have 'friends' who we may never meet IRL, and someone demanded to know why they weren't invited.  That could have been done on PM.  Yes, it is rude to discuss parties around friends and family who are not invited, but not everyone can assume they are invited to weddings.  I have had people talk about their weddings around me, weddings I have not been invited to, and it didn't bother me unless I was invited to a shower but not the wedding because that seemed gift grabby. 

WillyNilly

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2013, 10:07:36 AM »
To be honest I don't believe in the idea that Facebook is not a real realm of life, and that normal manners are suspended. It is, and always has been, rude to discuss parties you host publicly to a wide audience among friends when many of those friends were not invited.

I have mentioned in conversation to people that I am married, but I don't [socially] bring up my wedding to people who were not invited. While I think the commenter was rude to call out the bride publicly, I think her sentiment was pretty spot on.

I don't think this falls under discussing a party who others would not be invited to.  This woman was announcing her marriage on a fairly public forum that we have 'friends' who we may never meet IRL, and someone demanded to know why they weren't invited.  That could have been done on PM.  Yes, it is rude to discuss parties around friends and family who are not invited, but not everyone can assume they are invited to weddings.  I have had people talk about their weddings around me, weddings I have not been invited to, and it didn't bother me unless I was invited to a shower but not the wedding because that seemed gift grabby.

Well no. The bride didn't just announce her marriage. She also announced she had a surprise garden party with guests.
I think its perfectly reasonable to announce one got married, especially if its been a change in the date of when the marriage was planned for. But that's not all this bride did. She also announced she had a party that she invited some people too, and she announced it to people she didn't invite. That's classic bad manners. Obviously she is close enough to the questioner that the questioner knew the previous plans of approximate date and location.

I absolutely do think the questioner was rude, no pass for her at all. I just think its case of rude + rude, not a case of perfectly fine + rude.

Sharnita

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2013, 10:17:14 AM »
WillyNilly makes a good point. Also, if the person who posyed had previously been told "We are traveling to X to get married so we can't get married" sees they did'nt trvel, they did have guests and still didn't invite poster...


*inviteseller

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2013, 10:34:51 AM »
I read the OP as she announced her marriage, but it was BG about how she did it.  They had a surprise wedding for the guests..they told people who were invited it was a garden party, but was actually their wedding.  I don't think it is rude to announce that you got married (and they announced it after the fact, not crowing about it before it happened) and hehe, guests were so surprised because they didn't know about it.  Originally this couple was going to elope by themselves to another country..should they not have told those plans either because no one was invited?  I have had some friends and relatives post their wedding announcements on FB and I did not find it rude that they are talking about it.  They had their reasons to not invite people..space, location, whatever but I only congratulate them because that is the proper thing to do.  A couples wedding is their own to plan and invite people to and they can announce it on FB or any other way they want without being rude by 'discussing' a 'party' that some feel they should have been invited to.

WillyNilly

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2013, 10:58:46 AM »
I read the OP as she announced her marriage, but it was BG about how she did it.  They had a surprise wedding for the guests..they told people who were invited it was a garden party, but was actually their wedding.  I don't think it is rude to announce that you got married (and they announced it after the fact, not crowing about it before it happened) and hehe, guests were so surprised because they didn't know about it.  Originally this couple was going to elope by themselves to another country..should they not have told those plans either because no one was invited?  I have had some friends and relatives post their wedding announcements on FB and I did not find it rude that they are talking about it.  They had their reasons to not invite people..space, location, whatever but I only congratulate them because that is the proper thing to do.  A couples wedding is their own to plan and invite people to and they can announce it on FB or any other way they want without being rude by 'discussing' a 'party' that some feel they should have been invited to.

Its wonderful you personally aren't offended when people announce their parties they aren't inviting you to on Facebook. That speaks of your character in a good way. But just because you aren't offended doesn't mean its not a rude thing for them to do.

Announcing you got married is fine "Maurice and I decided we didn't want to wait for Italy next spring and tied the knot this past weekend!" << notice no mention of the party.

Announcing you hosted a party that you invited some people to but not your entire friendly audience you are announcing to is classic bad manners. It just is. Facebook is not a separate world, its part of the regular everyday world. And its bad manners to tell a casual friend "oh yeah I hosted this great party just the other day, you weren't invited but several other people were, let me tell you about it..."

Its not rude to announce a wedding you intend to invite no one to, because there is no hierarchy of invited vs non-invited, everyone is equally non-invited. Its not rude to discuss a wedding/party/etc you hosted years before you met the person you are talking with, its not even rude to announce a wedding/party/etc to friends if you only strictly invited family. But it is rude to essentially announce "I invited some friends, but not you, you aren't a good enough friend to make the cut, but I'm going to tell you about the party anyway."

Plenty of people are rude on Facebook daily. But just because its common doesn't make it not rude. People curse in loud voices in public daily too, or sneeze without covering their face in anyway, or litter. These are normal daily things but they are still rude, whether they offend you personally or not.

Pen^2

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2013, 11:26:50 AM »
I think if someone tells you, "I got married!" and your first response is, "but what about me?" then it's rude. That's straightforward enough. If it's supposed to be a joke, then it needs to be made very clear, such as with a winky face or "jk lol" or something. If you ever need to explain that something was supposed to be a joke to a decent proportion of the people who hear/read it, then that alone determines that it wasn't a good joke.

If the person really had a beef about why they weren't invited, they more properly should have asked via private message, where they wouldn't make a tactless fool of themselves in public. Maybe they had a right to be upset, e.g. they had been promised to be invited (although it sounds like that couldn't have been the case here) or they were a close sibling or something. But that doesn't mean you should make this public. Issues like this should be dealt with in private. If I were a member of the couple, I'd just delete the comment and leave it at that. It's not worth losing sleep over another person's small lack of social awareness.

I don't think it should be considered rude to announce that you've gotten married on Facebook. That would just be silly. Most people, I imagine, would have more friends than they could possibly invite to a wedding, birthday, or any other event. Should we also refrain from mentioning our fun weekend at the beach with a couple of mates because it might offend other people? It's a bit over the top to criticise the bride here for making an acceptable post about getting married. I do, however, think telling people they're invited to a garden party and then surprising them with a wedding is a whole different kettle of fish, but that's unrelated to the Facebook thing.

LadyL

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2013, 12:04:42 PM »
The way I handle this is that I have a "wedding" list on facebook for all the people who are invited. They get regular updates on where the block of hotel rooms has been booked, the caterer, etc. The more general group on my friends list might see a reference to the wedding (I mentioned planning it in an update about being really busy with lots of things) but I don't mention any details. It would seem odd to purposefully hide the fact that I'm getting married soon, but I do feel it would be rude to talk a lot about how great I expect it to be in front of people who aren't invited.