Author Topic: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations  (Read 6981 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #30 on: September 11, 2013, 12:48:41 PM »
No one, anywhere in the thread, said people shouldn't announced they got married.
All that was stated was its rude to post about the reception, the party. The actual act of becoming married is a wholly separate event from the celebration. Just because they often occur together doesn't make them one and the same. Announcing the marriage is fine. Discussing the party publicly is not.

(Although apparently a moot point in this thread since it was another person, not the bride, who brought up the party.)

TurtleDove

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #31 on: September 11, 2013, 12:59:51 PM »
I am saying I don't have a problem with discussing the party - any party - either. I think adults should be able to realize it's not about them.

thedudeabides

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #32 on: September 11, 2013, 01:05:15 PM »
Wait, so we should never talk about any event at any time in the vicinity of people who were not at said event for rear of being rude and hurting their feelings that they weren't at said event?

padua

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #33 on: September 11, 2013, 01:40:49 PM »
Wait, so we should never talk about any event at any time in the vicinity of people who were not at said event for rear of being rude and hurting their feelings that they weren't at said event?

only if you are looking to follow the dictates of what is considered etiquette. otherwise... you can say what you'd like. i believe etiquette sets standards to keep people from even getting close to offending or hurting the feelings of someone else. it's sort of like those velvet ropes that keep you off the antique furniture. you can do fine without them, but it does help those of us who aren't always sure how to handle specific social situations.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #34 on: September 11, 2013, 03:02:01 PM »
Wait, so we should never talk about any event at any time in the vicinity of people who were not at said event for rear of being rude and hurting their feelings that they weren't at said event?

only if you are looking to follow the dictates of what is considered etiquette. otherwise... you can say what you'd like. i believe etiquette sets standards to keep people from even getting close to offending or hurting the feelings of someone else. it's sort of like those velvet ropes that keep you off the antique furniture. you can do fine without them, but it does help those of us who aren't always sure how to handle specific social situations.

That's where I think the Facebook aspect comes into play.  Many people friend individuals on Facebook where there wouldn't be a reasonable expectation or any expectation of attending social events.  You wouldn't be hurt or offended seeing posts about their social events, because you didn't expect to be invited. So a childhood friend you haven't seen in 10+ years who lives on the other side of the country talking about her recent baby shower you weren't invited to isn't going to cause any offense or hurt feelings.  Your FB relationship consists of liking their posts, making comments here and there and just generally being content to see what's going on in their life.  You wouldn't have ever expected to be invited.

Some people have former coworkers, sports team members, book club members, all kinds of contacts listed as "friends" on FB.  One real-life friend of mine friended the woman she adopted her dog from.  I can't imagine the woman would have ever expected to be invited to social events my friend posted about and then be offended or hurt she was excluded. 

I believe the original etiquette rule was directed towards people within a commonly interacting and gathering social circle where the expectation of being invited to events would have been a reasonable norm.   

TurtleDove

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #35 on: September 11, 2013, 03:10:18 PM »
I believe the original etiquette rule was directed towards people within a commonly interacting and gathering social circle where the expectation of being invited to events would have been a reasonable norm.

I think this is correct, but I also think some people have very unreasonable expectations of how social circles should dictate social invitations for unrelated events.  Just because you are coworkers with someone does not mean you would automatically be invited to their house warming.  Just because you went to college with someone doesn't either.  It doesn't mean you aren't friends.  It means you are not part of the social circle the host wanted to include for a particular event. As adults I think we need to accept that everyone has a network of people they know, and you are not at the center of that network for everyone else, even if they are at the center of your network.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #36 on: September 11, 2013, 03:20:39 PM »
I believe the original etiquette rule was directed towards people within a commonly interacting and gathering social circle where the expectation of being invited to events would have been a reasonable norm.

I think this is correct, but I also think some people have very unreasonable expectations of how social circles should dictate social invitations for unrelated events.  Just because you are coworkers with someone does not mean you would automatically be invited to their house warming.  Just because you went to college with someone doesn't either.  It doesn't mean you aren't friends.  It means you are not part of the social circle the host wanted to include for a particular event. As adults I think we need to accept that everyone has a network of people they know, and you are not at the center of that network for everyone else, even if they are at the center of your network.

That makes sense! 

I also think there's a difference between a post saying "Having a blast with the volleyball team at happy hour!" and a situation where 6 people go out to dinner and 5 of the 6 spend an hour talking about a party they attended that the 6th person wasn't invited to.  The latter situation really excludes the 6th person from the conversation, but also kind of "traps" them into hearing about an event they were excluded from as well.  I can understand that scenario causing some offense and hurt.

WillyNilly

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2013, 03:27:17 PM »
Wait, so we should never talk about any event at any time in the vicinity of people who were not at said event for rear of being rude and hurting their feelings that they weren't at said event?

only if you are looking to follow the dictates of what is considered etiquette. otherwise... you can say what you'd like. i believe etiquette sets standards to keep people from even getting close to offending or hurting the feelings of someone else. it's sort of like those velvet ropes that keep you off the antique furniture. you can do fine without them, but it does help those of us who aren't always sure how to handle specific social situations.

That's where I think the Facebook aspect comes into play.  Many people friend individuals on Facebook where there wouldn't be a reasonable expectation or any expectation of attending social events.  You wouldn't be hurt or offended seeing posts about their social events, because you didn't expect to be invited. So a childhood friend you haven't seen in 10+ years who lives on the other side of the country talking about her recent baby shower you weren't invited to isn't going to cause any offense or hurt feelings.  Your FB relationship consists of liking their posts, making comments here and there and just generally being content to see what's going on in their life.  You wouldn't have ever expected to be invited.

Some people have former coworkers, sports team members, book club members, all kinds of contacts listed as "friends" on FB.  One real-life friend of mine friended the woman she adopted her dog from.  I can't imagine the woman would have ever expected to be invited to social events my friend posted about and then be offended or hurt she was excluded. 

I believe the original etiquette rule was directed towards people within a commonly interacting and gathering social circle where the expectation of being invited to events would have been a reasonable norm.

I doubt many or even most people restrict their Facebook friends to [only people they are barely acquainted with in real life though. For all those old, far away, mere acquaintances one has on Facebook, there are probably an equal if not great amount of folks people do see regularly, do interact with often face-to-face, maybe even socialize with.

When people get married and have a party most people have to limit their guest list, so even people they see and socialize with might not make the cut. But because everyone's budget and entertaining style vary some casual friends might not legitimately realize why they don't make the cut, or they might but still hurt about it. Some people invite their whole adult softball team figuring "hey I see these people every week for 5 months!" Others don't. Some people invite all their co-workers who they eat lunch with every day and go to happy hour with, others don't. Neither is right or wrong but for the person who isn't inviting the whole team, unless its "family only" or an otherwise similarly limited guest list reception, it would be rude to discuss the wedding at softball practice or the office. Because there is a reasonable expectation to the teammates they might be invited. Its reasonable they might not be, sure, but its not out of this world to expect they might. Since most people's Facebook is going to include the same level of casual friends as a softball team or co-workers, the same rules apply about limiting discussion.

Facebook in fact makes this very easy to do, in that in a matter of mere moments one can set up a friend group of people who are invited to the wedding and then one can post about the wedding to hearts content while simply limiting the audience who sees the posts to those who actually involved.


TurtleDove

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #38 on: September 11, 2013, 04:18:03 PM »
Because there is a reasonable expectation to the teammates they might be invited. Its reasonable they might not be, sure, but its not out of this world to expect they might.

I guess to me I think, "and so what!"  So they didn't get invited to the party.  As an adult, why would you waste even a minute contemplating this!? I think if a person is looking to be offended or to play the "poor me" card they will always find ways to do this.  Being upset that you didn't get invited to a party makes no sense to me.  If you (general) are that offended, scale back your expectations of the friendship if you must.  But I don't think it is at all rude for a person to go about her life and not constantly be walking on eggshells that she may inadvertently hurt the feelings of someone by doing so.   

*inviteseller

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #39 on: September 11, 2013, 04:27:50 PM »
In real life or FB, I will discuss my life events with people and expect them to do it with me without anyone thinking just because they know me they expect they should be invited to everything I do.  If I am friends with X, but go away for a fun weekend with other friends Y &Z, who is not friends with X, nor she with them, X does not have a reasonable expectation to be invited, just as I would not think I should be invited to anything X may do with her other friends.  Adult world is different from child world, where all our friends are concentrated in one classroom 7 hours a day and being left out of a birthday party is glaring.  As adults we maintain different circles of friends/acquaintances..some get invited to some events some to the other and it is the height of SS behavior to call someone out publicly for not being invited to someones life event.  If you (general) feel that you should have been invited (which is also SS behavior), take it one on one instead of childishly whining on FB that you should have been invited to something you didn't know was going to happen in the first place..which shows the happy couple didn't go around crowing to uninvited guest about a party they would not be invited to.  There is no way it can be right that a person's wedding & reception should be kept under wraps afterwards in case someone gets a bum hurt that they didn't get invited.  The happy couple makes hard decisions on who gets an invite and who doesn't and it isn't anyone's place to question their decision.

mspallaton

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #40 on: September 11, 2013, 05:56:45 PM »
Because there is a reasonable expectation to the teammates they might be invited. Its reasonable they might not be, sure, but its not out of this world to expect they might.

I guess to me I think, "and so what!"  So they didn't get invited to the party.  As an adult, why would you waste even a minute contemplating this!? I think if a person is looking to be offended or to play the "poor me" card they will always find ways to do this.  Being upset that you didn't get invited to a party makes no sense to me.  If you (general) are that offended, scale back your expectations of the friendship if you must.  But I don't think it is at all rude for a person to go about her life and not constantly be walking on eggshells that she may inadvertently hurt the feelings of someone by doing so.

While I agree that mature people shouldn't dwell on party invites and whatnot, it does occur to me that the possibility of offense (even if it isn't expressed) by the uninvited is what this particular rule of etiquette is attempting to avoid.  I would also argue that there is a point at which it is not unreasonable to be upset that you weren't invited to something without being an SS.  If my coworkers all go out to dinner without me I will not be upset because I will generally assume it was a decision of opportunity.  If, however, the situation above happened (5 of 6 players on a team go out and no mention to the 6th) to me, my feelings would be hurt.  There is something more close knit about a sports team than an office in many situations.

I think my point is - there's nothing wrong with choosing not to invite someone.  There is also nothing wrong, in some cases, with that person being hurt that they weren't invited.  Thus the rule of etiquette that you don't discuss a party in front of those who weren't invited and who reasonably may have expected to be.
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On the general topic, FB is particularly tricky.  It could be argued that most people on someone's facebook shouldn't have an expectation of being invited to a wedding, but at the same time, the platform creates an artificial closeness.  For example, my husband has a friend who he hasn't seen IRL in 5 years.  He has attempted to see her, but she never makes time.  They chat on facebook occasionally, but aren't close.  About a week before out wedding, a friend made a post about being excited for us and tagged us.  The same day, my husband got a message from his friend (a PM) that said "So, I guess I'm not invited to your wedding then".  He chose not to respond, in part because he couldn't think of anything nice to say.

Here's my point - the person who made the statement on your friend's page was rude (assuming it was serious).  However, even if they were being an SS, it is possible they were genuinely hurt.  I'm not encouraging a response - just general compassion.  Having just gone through it, I was shocked at how emotional a time our wedding was even for people who were just there as guests.  I would encourage your friend to delete the post, not respond, and if the person who posted it brings it up again, perhaps express sympathy with a general tone of "I'm sorry, but it was our day and we got to choose how we wanted to do it - it wasn't about you".

Eeep!

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #41 on: September 11, 2013, 06:08:13 PM »
Here's the thing.  Most people who get married have a wedding.  Now, I know that isn't always the case but the cultural norm - at least in the US - is that people getting married do so via a wedding.  So if someone announces their marriage there is a reasonable assumption that can be made that there was a wedding.  Ergo, I shouldn't be surprised if that person posts pictures from said wedding.  If I am going to be insulted/hurt by the fact that I wasn't invited to the wedding, surely I would be regardless of whether or not I see pictures or hear about it by way of a "now married" announcement?

Plus, I think even historically, weddings are a much different social event then most other types of parties.  After all, people write about them in the newspaper.  You could submit a whole little summary of what happened at your wedding.  Post a picture of the bride and groom.  This still does happen.  So I feel like FB is kind of the modern day equivalent of that.  Sure it has a more directed audience, but I think the general idea is the same.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

TootsNYC

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #42 on: September 14, 2013, 01:50:04 PM »
OP here. Just to clarify, if they'd had the wedding overseas, my understanding was that no one was being invited - was going to be romantic getaway with just the two of them (not a destination wedding).

Which would have been OK with this person, probably. But since they did NOT have a private wedding, and they DID have a guest list, then this person expected to be on it.

It's a perfectly logical reaction.

But it's incredibly rude to ever say "why wasn't I invited?" It's rude to put someone in the position of essentially saying, "because we don't like you enough."

And I think that almost always, the person who says "why wasn't I invited?" isn't really close enough to TRULY expect to be invited. We can invent scenarios (like sisters, etc.) but in real life, I think very few of the people who ask that are being at all realistic.

Sharnita

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Re: FB wedding announcement - non-congratulations
« Reply #43 on: September 14, 2013, 04:05:48 PM »
OP here. Just to clarify, if they'd had the wedding overseas, my understanding was that no one was being invited - was going to be romantic getaway with just the two of them (not a destination wedding).

Which would have been OK with this person, probably. But since they did NOT have a private wedding, and they DID have a guest list, then this person expected to be on it.

It's a perfectly logical reaction.

But it's incredibly rude to ever say "why wasn't I invited?" It's rude to put someone in the position of essentially saying, "because we don't like you enough."

And I think that almost always, the person who says "why wasn't I invited?" isn't really close enough to TRULY expect to be invited. We can invent scenarios (like sisters, etc.) but in real life, I think very few of the people who ask that are being at all realistic.

lol, Those are the people we might put off with "Oh, I wish I could invite you but we are going away to (exotic location) and we aren't inviting anybody" though.  Then, when plans change, we forgot we used that convenient escape.