Cat Etiquette

[PastryGoddess]

Cats are not a party to the Geneva Convention, therefore clipping your nails is not a feline rights violation.  Repeated threats to report me to the International Criminal Court will fall on deaf ears.

[blue2000]

Please, PLEASE don't yell when people are sleeping. Really. Just don't.

I know I yell at you sometimes. I know you are just trying to find a spot to sleep. But the stomping all over is giving me bruises, and that is hard to explain to people. So no stomping either, OK?

(I'm not even sure how such tiny little bitty paws sometimes feel like stabbing knives. Your brother is twice your size and he's twice as light on his feet!)

[Julian]

Be aware that your claws may be sharp, and Human skin is soft, especially when not covered in clothing.  It is polite to be careful and keep your claws retracted unless the Human is harassing you.  Letting you loll all over their lap, or sleep in their bed, does not constitute harassment.  Humans are not scratching posts.

Stealing is not only rude, but wrong.  Conspiring with your sibling to distract the Human while chopping chicken so that you can jump up on the bench when the Human's back is turned, then pigging out on the chicken, will result in you both getting scolded and not getting your normal dinner.

Chicken farts are impolite and nausea inducing for humans - after stealing raw chicken, take yourself outside if you need to drop a clanger.  Trust me, nobody wants to smell that.

Wrapping yourself around the Human's legs while they walk, lying in the shadows where the Human walks, and jumping out of small, high unexpected places when the Human walks by are rude and indeed dangerous.  Flat Cat may result if the attack is successful, and that does you and Human both no favours.

[Lynnv]

Please take some time to consider your humans' actual wants and needs before giving gifts. I am aware that you would certainly enjoy getting a half dead mouse or a wriggling snake as a gift.  Your humans, at least in most cases, are not going to be as appreciative of your gift as you might imagine.  I do understand that, in your culture, it is a kind gift given to help someone learn to hunt down food.  But in your humans' culture, it is a rather disconcerting gift and not likely to go over well.  In fact, based on your blatant begging every time the human decides to open your special treats, you actually know that your human is perfectly capable of obtaining food and thus your gift to help them train their hunting skills comes across as a rather snide commentary on how often they feed you rather than a genuine desire to make their lives better.

[Pen^2]

Don't feel you have an obligation to be a hair factory. We have enough to stuff several pillows and are very impressed that you can produce so much, so please don't feel like you need to keep proving this to us. There is no need to keep living up to the standard you've shown us, either.

[nuit93]

Don't sneak up, jump onto my ankles, and then proceed to cling to them like a 2.5lb ankle weight.  It's startling and one of these days I may fall over.

[Free Range Hippy Chick]

If your humans are playing scrabble, don't help. Do not climb onto the back of the one on top and walk up and down, even if you are purring. It is disconcerting, and, as stated above, those claws are sharp. Also, do not climb, with your sister, onto the top of the wardrobe and then watch the scrabble with the expression of cats about to announce 'and the marks for artistic interpretation...'

The cream in the blue tube is indeed based on fish oil. Your human has been known to rub it on her face at times when her sinus infection has caused the skin around her nose to crack and peel. She will not be grateful if you attempt to lick it off again, and particularly not if you do this at 3 a.m. while she is sleeping.

[Mel the Redcap]

Dear Cat #2: You have your own kitty litter. Holding it all day while the humans are out working and you and your sister are shut in separate rooms (for very, VERY good reasons), then bolting down the hallway in order to drop one heck of a stinky one in Cat #1's litter box, is just RUDE. If you keep this up, I'll stop preventing Cat #1 from stealing your wet food.

[ladyknight1]

The pillow belongs to the human. Do not punch the human in the eye until he shares the pillow with you. You will be booted from the bedroom.

[OSUJillyBean]

For the love of deity, I DO know how to go to the bathroom by myself.  I don't need help or an audience.  Really.

Also, please refrain  from sitting in my pants when I am on the toilet.  Thank you.

Mine crawls/hops into my lap and wants kisses while I'm on the toilet.  uh Kitty, I'm kinda busy here .... 

[ladyknight1]

Mocha now is having some traction issues which are resolved by placing her claws in the hoomin's flesh to keep from falling. We are now going to stay in thick clothing at all times.

[Moonie]

Please don't wipe your butt on the carpet. I understand that sometimes you have "leftovers" after you do your litterbox business, but you were given a nice, scrubby tongue to wash yourself with. You do not need to walk through the kitchen and plop down on the living room carpet and proceed to do the "drag and scoot" across the room. It might feel good, but I do not particularly like the brown streaks it leaves. I am tired of having to yell, "Wiper, no wiping!" (even though your name is Ziggy).

[Ms_Cellany]

Please don't wipe your butt on the carpet. I understand that sometimes you have "leftovers" after you do your litterbox business, but you were given a nice, scrubby tongue to wash yourself with. You do not need to walk through the kitchen and plop down on the living room carpet and proceed to do the "drag and scoot" across the room. It might feel good, but I do not particularly like the brown streaks it leaves. I am tired of having to yell, "Wiper, no wiping!" (even though your name is Ziggy).

I have a tale about Captain Dingleberry, but it's better saved for the gross-out thread.

[JoW]

Please don't wipe your butt on the carpet. .....

It might be time for a vet visit.  Cats can have issues with anal gland similar to the issues some dogs have.  And yes, those issues and the treatment for them are really gross. 

[diesel_darlin]

Please don't wipe your butt on the carpet. I understand that sometimes you have "leftovers" after you do your litterbox business, but you were given a nice, scrubby tongue to wash yourself with. You do not need to walk through the kitchen and plop down on the living room carpet and proceed to do the "drag and scoot" across the room. It might feel good, but I do not particularly like the brown streaks it leaves. I am tired of having to yell, "Wiper, no wiping!" (even though your name is Ziggy).

I have a tale about Captain Dingleberry, but it's better saved for the gross-out thread.

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Kitties, I realize that you can see the bottom of your bowl. As a result of this, I realize that you think you are starving. I also noticed you playing Sara McLaughlin songs and Googling our local ASPCA. Ive heard your plaintive wails, and yes, I am thoroughly uncaring.

YOU ARE NOT STARVING. Go eat.