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Author Topic: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe  (Read 27692 times)

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Mikayla

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #60 on: September 11, 2013, 08:41:38 PM »
Actually, the OP said the weekend attendees often vary - I doubt Tom clears the attendees with everyone as a normal habit. The OP and her husband werent invited to go a weekend with Tom - the OP was invited to go along to a well-established, alcohol fueled, gun toting weekend. And it doesn't sound like it changed the event at all for most attendees - it was carried out by hubby, Tom and Rusty. The OP was the odd man out.

Yes the attendees vary from weekend to weekend, but the OP seems pretty clear that she was told specifically it was going to be Tom and his friend Jon, whom OP's husband had met previously. She was not warned the guest list might expand or change.

She was told one thing and was presented with a different thing.


Word. 

I agree with people wondering why OP agreed to go.  If an event has the words drinking and guns in the same sentence, I'm out...full stop. 

But what matters here is OP was pressured and gave in, based on a clear understanding of who would be with her as she spent the evening in an isolated place with several men.  Regardless of how this communication fail occurred, she came to a different event than she anticipated. 

If this sets her hinky meter off, I don't think that should be questioned, especially by her DH, who should not have been annoyed she wasn't having a good time. 

JoieGirl7

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #61 on: September 11, 2013, 09:14:08 PM »


My discomfort over the weapons is not that they are weapons but that I know they are worth a great deal of money and not really trusting at least one of the guys who was there, my mind was spinning a Lifetime movie in my brain, if you understand what I mean.


So, I guess the question is, under these rather bizarre circumstances, was I required to do more than be cordial to a man who made me very uncomfortable, even if he might not have really posed a threat to me.


I don't understand your reason for your discomfort about the guns. Were you uncomfortable that Rusty would steal them or shoot you? I don't know beans from guns so perhaps I'm missing something.

To answer your question, as long as you were cordial, etc, you were fine. Did you not know about the drinking, and if so, why did you go?

The guns made me nervous once I thought about them in terms of their value.  We probably had over ten grand of firearms and ammunition.  I hadn't thought about it before and it added to my anxiety.

Why?  Because its a motive for stealing.  People ask, well, why would I think this guy would do that.  I don't know if he would or if he wouldn't.  He made me uncomfortable with his comments about making me a better meal than my host--it felt a bit like a come on, like he was going to impress me.  He didn't say this to DH or to Jon.

I knew about the drinking, the guns.  I did not know about the extra person.  I was prepared for our friend Tom, who I have known for a few years now and know a bunch of other people who know him.  I have socialized with him many times including hosting him in my home where he was generally an intense clod.  So, I knew what to expect from him in that regard.

I knew about Jon whom my husband had gotten to know on his many trips to this place over the last 2-3 years.

But, neither my husband nor I knew Rusty.  Rusty made me uncomfortable.    And I couldn't bring it up with my host because he was too drunk.  There was no one to say with a clear head, that he was a garden variety drunk guy.

Had I met Rusty in a mixed group at a bar, I would have had no problem being more open socially.  But, he made me feel a bit like prey and in those circumstances I needed to not let him get any traction at all on it.

He wasn't trying to make polite conversation about how was our drive up, or what do I do for a living or any of a number of things that people make small talk about.  He was dissing the host's dinner and doing a oneupmanship thing promising that he would cook me a better meal.

I know it kind of sounds ridiculous, but it was very uncomfortable. I felt that I couldn't let my guard down and I counted the hours until we left.  It wasn't that horrible.  It's just that found myself later feeling bad for freezing him out.  I didn't completely ignore him like he wasn't there.  I just chose not to initiate any interaction and bean dip or defer to DH any interaction in my direction.  It is not how I usually treat people that I meet, even strangers, under more controlled situations.

I can see that it may have been an opportunity to get to know someone new.  But, his behavior coupled with the circumstances made me feel that that would be an irresponsible choice.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #62 on: September 11, 2013, 09:23:38 PM »
TBH, OP, I think you were kinda rude to go to a social weekend and put off a "don't bother me" vibe to half the people there. What's the point in going, then? Not asking this snarkily—do you think you were just resentful of being pestered to go and it expressed itself this way?

I am the first to say that you should blow off a guy if he's being a creep, but I am really not seeing any creep behavior. It's definitely legit to make sure you aren't alone with someone who gives you the heebies, but it sounds like you had a narrative going on in your head that did not match the reality.

Signed, a capable and trustworthy adult who sometimes drinks until she's three sheets to the wind. :P

Never trust me, then, Toots. I likely have poor judgement if that is your standard. You are forewarned!

LOL!

This. I'm sorry the weekend was such a bust for you OP, but I do think you need to own that it was exactly as described...drunken frivolity. That you belatedly realized you weren't up for it is okay, but that doesn't make anyone else out of line and being that chilly towards everyone was probably not very polite.

Still, it's over and done with. Now you know this isn't the type of event you want to participate in and you don't have to go again.

It's not the drunken frivolity that I had a problem with.  I would have had something to drink too if I hadn't felt like I needed to stay sober for my own safety.

It's the extra dude that tipped the balance.  Had I known that another man that neither DH nor I had met would be there in addition to Tom and Jon, I would not have gone.  Not at all.

I was on the fence about going and DH and Tom knew this.  Having Jon there was pushing it in terms of my comfort level.

On other occasions, Tom's wife has been there.  There have been times where they were trying to get me to go because she was only going to come if I did because she didn't want to be the only woman there with a bunch of guys.

I feel it would have been a nice relaxing weekend with Rusty there.  i still may not have gone shooting, but I wouldn't have felt threatened.

Jon is also kind of a non-threatening looking person.  He is shorter and lighter than I am and I couldn't probably take him on physically if he tried anything.  Rusty was much bigger than me and younger.  It was just a very bad social mix.

And honestly, I think that I should have been taken into consideration given how hard they have pushed me to go.  If it's that important for them for me to go, then don't ruining it by changing up the mix at the last second.

Psychopoesie

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #63 on: September 11, 2013, 09:43:27 PM »
I agree with other posters - OP was not rude to be merely cordial.

I'm not hearing anything particularly offensive about Rusty's behaviour from the update - annoying perhaps. Maybe he thought he was being hilariously witty - something that is unfortunately much harder to gauge once you're drunk. Considering how drunk he was, i wouldn't expect a come on to be quite that subtle. However, i wasn't there and can't fault OP for listening to her instincts. & there's no rule to say you have to become instant friends. Maybe, as OP said it was just a bad social mix.

I don't understand being scared the guns would be stolen. Sure they sound valuable. So are stereos, cars, and other potentially stealable (is that even a word?) objects you'd expect to find in someone's home. Even 'inexpensive' guns would be desirable objects in terms of being stolen. Yet OP wasn't scared about their presence until she found out they were valuable. Having a hard time wrapping my head round that one.

Being sober while everyone else is drinking it up would not be much fun. Being the only woman at what seems to be a guys' weekend also doesn't sound great. Add both together & it's the weekend from hell. Don't understand why OP's husband thought this would be a great time for her. Obviously there was stuff he enjoyed doing but were there other fun activities at the weekend, OP?

Joeschmo

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #64 on: September 11, 2013, 09:52:02 PM »
TBH, OP, I think you were kinda rude to go to a social weekend and put off a "don't bother me" vibe to half the people there. What's the point in going, then? Not asking this snarkily—do you think you were just resentful of being pestered to go and it expressed itself this way?

I am the first to say that you should blow off a guy if he's being a creep, but I am really not seeing any creep behavior. It's definitely legit to make sure you aren't alone with someone who gives you the heebies, but it sounds like you had a narrative going on in your head that did not match the reality.

Signed, a capable and trustworthy adult who sometimes drinks until she's three sheets to the wind. :P

Never trust me, then, Toots. I likely have poor judgement if that is your standard. You are forewarned!

LOL!

This. I'm sorry the weekend was such a bust for you OP, but I do think you need to own that it was exactly as described...drunken frivolity. That you belatedly realized you weren't up for it is okay, but that doesn't make anyone else out of line and being that chilly towards everyone was probably not very polite.

Still, it's over and done with. Now you know this isn't the type of event you want to participate in and you don't have to go again.

It's not the drunken frivolity that I had a problem with.  I would have had something to drink too if I hadn't felt like I needed to stay sober for my own safety.

It's the extra dude that tipped the balance.  Had I known that another man that neither DH nor I had met would be there in addition to Tom and Jon, I would not have gone.  Not at all.

I was on the fence about going and DH and Tom knew this.  Having Jon there was pushing it in terms of my comfort level.

On other occasions, Tom's wife has been there.  There have been times where they were trying to get me to go because she was only going to come if I did because she didn't want to be the only woman there with a bunch of guys.

I feel it would have been a nice relaxing weekend with Rusty there.  i still may not have gone shooting, but I wouldn't have felt threatened.

Jon is also kind of a non-threatening looking person.  He is shorter and lighter than I am and I couldn't probably take him on physically if he tried anything.  Rusty was much bigger than me and younger.  It was just a very bad social mix.

And honestly, I think that I should have been taken into consideration given how hard they have pushed me to go.  If it's that important for them for me to go, then don't ruining it by changing up the mix at the last second.

I think even if you weren't friendly as long as you were polite you were fine in the situation as described.

I was curious about the bolded though.  Do you try to set up your social situations with only small men you could take if they tried to assault you?  If thats the case I hope you look into ways to feel more assertive and safe in the world.  Being scared sucks and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Allyson

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #65 on: September 11, 2013, 09:59:09 PM »
In answer to the OP...I'm not really sure. I am not totally on board with the idea that sometimes crops up here that seems like "if you get a bad feeling, trust it and do anything you can to get out of it, safety trumps etiquette always even if the unsafe is only based on a feeling" because..well, that could just about always be used for an excuse.

That said, I don't think your *actions* were really far out of line. You didn't lose your mind at Rusty or call him a thief or anything like that, you were distant and cool but that's not a terrible thing, some people are just like that.

I think giving all the excessive background wasn't really necessary considering that nobody really did anything wrong, and you yourself said you weren't interested in whether or not they had been rude. So adding all that background is going to get posters talking about those specifics rather than the essential--you felt uncomfortable around people you didn't know, and kept to yourself.  I think it doesn't really matter *why* you felt uncomfortable here.

I don't see your husband getting mad you didn't enjoy yourself as being helpful--you can't exactly help that. And I get why you went--you wanted to give it a try and see what they were going on about. And hey, next time you know for a fact it's not your thing. Which is fine, it would definitely not be my thing either!

Cami

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #66 on: September 11, 2013, 10:01:55 PM »
TBH, OP, I think you were kinda rude to go to a social weekend and put off a "don't bother me" vibe to half the people there. What's the point in going, then? Not asking this snarkily—do you think you were just resentful of being pestered to go and it expressed itself this way?

I am the first to say that you should blow off a guy if he's being a creep, but I am really not seeing any creep behavior. It's definitely legit to make sure you aren't alone with someone who gives you the heebies, but it sounds like you had a narrative going on in your head that did not match the reality.

Signed, a capable and trustworthy adult who sometimes drinks until she's three sheets to the wind. :P

Never trust me, then, Toots. I likely have poor judgement if that is your standard. You are forewarned!

LOL!

This. I'm sorry the weekend was such a bust for you OP, but I do think you need to own that it was exactly as described...drunken frivolity. That you belatedly realized you weren't up for it is okay, but that doesn't make anyone else out of line and being that chilly towards everyone was probably not very polite.

Still, it's over and done with. Now you know this isn't the type of event you want to participate in and you don't have to go again.

It's not the drunken frivolity that I had a problem with.  I would have had something to drink too if I hadn't felt like I needed to stay sober for my own safety.

It's the extra dude that tipped the balance.  Had I known that another man that neither DH nor I had met would be there in addition to Tom and Jon, I would not have gone.  Not at all.

I was on the fence about going and DH and Tom knew this.  Having Jon there was pushing it in terms of my comfort level.

On other occasions, Tom's wife has been there.  There have been times where they were trying to get me to go because she was only going to come if I did because she didn't want to be the only woman there with a bunch of guys.

I feel it would have been a nice relaxing weekend with Rusty there.  i still may not have gone shooting, but I wouldn't have felt threatened.

Jon is also kind of a non-threatening looking person.  He is shorter and lighter than I am and I couldn't probably take him on physically if he tried anything.  Rusty was much bigger than me and younger.  It was just a very bad social mix.

And honestly, I think that I should have been taken into consideration given how hard they have pushed me to go.  If it's that important for them for me to go, then don't ruining it by changing up the mix at the last second.

I have to say that I don't really understand your concern for the guns being stolen and feel like it's sort of a red herring. If I invited guests to my home and the wife of Guest A was worrying about Guest B stealing from me/us without any reason to do so other than the fact that she didn't know him, I'd find it somewhat insulting to me and my other guest. 

It's also a HUGE and frankly, dangerous assumption to think you could "take" someone based upon their apparent physical attributes. Ask the big guy who came up and started a fight with my uncle, who was much smaller than him -- but has black belts at high levels in several martial arts -- about the dangers of assumption. 

That said and I hesitate to generalize, but in my experience, men generally aren't going to be concerned about the social niceties or social/emotional implications of changing the guest list at the last second. The famous, stereotypical image of the guy calling his wife to say he's added another guest to the dinner party at the last minute or inviting a stranger to the wife to join them when they are having a dinner date exists for a reason -- there is truth in it.

It's also a truth that men operate from a position of privilege when it comes to personal safety. They simply don't have to think about personal safety for themselves, so they don't. Because they haven't experienced fear, they don't expect others to have fear.

Example: When I was in college, our psych prof had us answer a survey about personal safety, asking questions like, "Do you walk alone at night?" and "Do you always keep your doors locked?" and "Do you ever leave your window open when you go out or at night?" and "Would you let a strange man in the house that you did not know?" Etc. She then compiled the answers, divided by gender. The men in the class were shocked that over 90% of all the women in the class would not do any of those things. Totally shocked. One guy exclaimed, "But living like that limits your life so much!" EXACTLY. Bingo. That was the point the prof was trying to make. To get one part of the class to open their eyes to a reality the other half lives. To which they had been totally blind. One by one, guys would comment about how they'd known a girl or two who wouldn't walk home alone, etc, but they'd assumed those personal safety precautions were unique to that girl and were not the norm. They were, as the prof said, operating from a position of privilege that they assumed extended to everyone.

Which is a long way of saying that you cannot expect your husband (or his friends) to understand your personal safety concerns and that long term, you need to educate your husband about the realities you face that differ intrinsically from his reality.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #67 on: September 11, 2013, 10:10:19 PM »
I agree with other posters - OP was not rude to be merely cordial.

I'm not hearing anything particularly offensive about Rusty's behaviour from the update - annoying perhaps. Maybe he thought he was being hilariously witty - something that is unfortunately much harder to gauge once you're drunk. Considering how drunk he was, i wouldn't expect a come on to be quite that subtle. However, i wasn't there and can't fault OP for listening to her instincts. & there's no rule to say you have to become instant friends. Maybe, as OP said it was just a bad social mix.

I don't understand being scared the guns would be stolen. Sure they sound valuable. So are stereos, cars, and other potentially stealable (is that even a word?) objects you'd expect to find in someone's home. Even 'inexpensive' guns would be desirable objects in terms of being stolen. Yet OP wasn't scared about their presence until she found out they were valuable. Having a hard time wrapping my head round that one.

Being sober while everyone else is drinking it up would not be much fun. Being the only woman at what seems to be a guys' weekend also doesn't sound great. Add both together & it's the weekend from hell. Don't understand why OP's husband thought this would be a great time for her. Obviously there was stuff he enjoyed doing but were there other fun activities at the weekend, OP?

I wasnt scared that the guns would be stolen.  I was afraid of it motivating someone to do somethng they would not otherwise do for a television set.

Not only were the guns valuable but they aren't exactly easy to get.    I didnt want to be collatoral damage if Rusty happened to be the kind of person who would do something like that. 

It was just one more part of the equation.  One more thing that made me concerned about the situation I had gotten into.

baglady

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #68 on: September 11, 2013, 11:01:58 PM »
Quote
And honestly, I think that I should have been taken into consideration given how hard they have pushed me to go.  If it's that important for them for me to go, then don't ruining it by changing up the mix at the last second.

Honestly, I don't believe your average person (male or female, drinker or teetotaler) thinks in terms of a change to the guest list "ruining" an event for anyone. Additional Guest is someone they like, so they assume everyone else will, too ... . Most hosts (me included) have a "more the merrier" mentality about last-minute changes to the guest list.

I'm not saying you were wrong to feel uncomfortable around Rusty -- feelings are feelings. But I do think it's unrealistic to expect a host to refrain from last-minute guest list additions unless s/he has reason to know there'll be a problem (e.g., Rusty is your ex-boyfriend, or Rusty never goes anywhere without his dogs, and you're violently allergic). If it even entered Tom's brain that Rusty might be "inappropriate" with you, he probably dismissed it because your DH would be there.
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Raintree

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #69 on: September 12, 2013, 12:29:20 AM »
Example: When I was in college, our psych prof had us answer a survey about personal safety, asking questions like, "Do you walk alone at night?" and "Do you always keep your doors locked?" and "Do you ever leave your window open when you go out or at night?" and "Would you let a strange man in the house that you did not know?" Etc. She then compiled the answers, divided by gender. The men in the class were shocked that over 90% of all the women in the class would not do any of those things. Totally shocked. One guy exclaimed, "But living like that limits your life so much!" EXACTLY. Bingo. That was the point the prof was trying to make. To get one part of the class to open their eyes to a reality the other half lives. To which they had been totally blind. One by one, guys would comment about how they'd known a girl or two who wouldn't walk home alone, etc, but they'd assumed those personal safety precautions were unique to that girl and were not the norm. They were, as the prof said, operating from a position of privilege that they assumed extended to everyone.

When I was in college, a group of us friends (guys and girls) were sitting around talking during a break, and we (the females) started sharing stories of creepy behaviour we've experienced from men. The topic just came up naturally in the conversation, and every woman had a story of a man exposing himself, or scary anonymous phone calls, or being stalked or harrassed in some way. The guys in the group were just flabbergasted. They didn't really think this stuff really happened all that often, and it surprised them that just about every one of their female friends/classmates had a story like this to tell.

Anyway, back to the OP. I think if Rusty gave her the creeps for some reason, that is something she should listen to, although none of us can say for certain whether she had good "reason" as we weren't there. I don't think Tom was necessarily rude for adding an extra guest. And, it doesn't sound like my idea of a good time either, hanging out with a bunch of guys I barely know, getting hammered and knowing there are guns in the house. I might feel differently if I knew and liked at least two or three of them really well.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #70 on: September 12, 2013, 12:32:59 AM »
Quote
And honestly, I think that I should have been taken into consideration given how hard they have pushed me to go.  If it's that important for them for me to go, then don't ruining it by changing up the mix at the last second.

Honestly, I don't believe your average person (male or female, drinker or teetotaler) thinks in terms of a change to the guest list "ruining" an event for anyone. Additional Guest is someone they like, so they assume everyone else will, too ... . Most hosts (me included) have a "more the merrier" mentality about last-minute changes to the guest list.

I'm not saying you were wrong to feel uncomfortable around Rusty -- feelings are feelings. But I do think it's unrealistic to expect a host to refrain from last-minute guest list additions unless s/he has reason to know there'll be a problem (e.g., Rusty is your ex-boyfriend, or Rusty never goes anywhere without his dogs, and you're violently allergic). If it even entered Tom's brain that Rusty might be "inappropriate" with you, he probably dismissed it because your DH would be there.

This wasnt a party twenty minutes from my house.  It was a two night stay three hours from my home and his own wife will not accompany him when there are too many male buddies tagging along.

There have been times when his wife didnt go because I didnt go.  They even tried to use that to pressure me into going. "But Gail will only go if you go because all the guys are coming along this time."

So, straighht up comfort wise Tom knew that it wasnt just "my" thing.  And he knew that I was reticent to go and that was one of the reasons.

I have three women friends who went up there but they each had their SO's with them and there was some balance to the mix.

So, I see what you are saying, but from my vantage point, I had every reason to expect that there would not be more men coming along.

Pen^2

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #71 on: September 12, 2013, 12:35:10 AM »
I don't think the OP was rude in being merely cordial. You can't expect people to enjoy things that they simply don't enjoy--that's ridiculous and impossible. You can only expect people to be polite, which she was. Being chatty and outgoing isn't the minimum standard for politeness. And some people are more introverted than others, so I don't feel that the OP wanting to spend a lot of time alone in her room reading was exactly rude. My ideal holiday would involve me spending a lot of time doing just that, yet still being polite and cordial to my host and the other guests when we interacted during meal times and the like.

Unless the OP actually went and said to the people there, "I'm being quieter than usual because you are all making me uncomfortable," she wasn't rude. Her behaviour was still well within the realms of politeness.

As for feeling unsafe... Sometimes you really, deeply do feel unsafe. It's a natural feeling which therefore should not be apologised for. I don't think you should use it as an excuse to get out of things, especially if you feel inclined to do so frequently. But if maybe once a year or less your gut just clenches, you are unable to relax, and are skirting the edges of fight-or-flight, then for whatever reason, you feel unsafe. You don't have to justify that. It's like feeling hungry: it just happens. It shouldn't be ignored: be polite, but remove yourself from the situation, and hope that it was just a false alarm.

Cami is 100% bang on. I still remember explaining it to my husband. As a female, I can't walk around confidently in most places like you can. I need to be more aware of my surroundings. If it's nighttime and I'm outside, I can't afford to not be on edge. You can wander around thinking about anything, but if I do that, I put myself at risk. This is blended into all sorts of things I do without even being conscious of it: I'll select which shoes to wear when going out based on if I'm going to be returning alone and therefore will have to wear something I can run in if I have to. I won't wear something without pockets at nighttime so I can have my phone on me instead of in a bag which can be grabbed or dropped. And there are even studies that show that, when getting dressed, the vast majority of women put on their underwear first, whereas men might put on their undershirt or something before underwear, because deep down a part of women's minds feels ever so slightly unsafe and uncomfortable when exposed. I could go on but the point is, this isn't atypical. This is normal. It is hard to see or notice this when you've never had your psyche shaped by it growing up and when it isn't a part of the actions in your daily life. My husband understands this in theory in the same way a colourblind person can understand theoretically a great deal about colour. Unless you've experienced it, some things can not quite be 100% comprehended. 99%, maybe.

So you know what? You do not ever have to apologise for feeling unsafe. Actually, you should never apologise for feeling anything--you can't help feelings, only your actions. The OP's actions were still polite, so she was fine. But my advice is always, if you truly feel unsafe deep down in your gut, then be polite but remove yourself from the situation. I give myself ten free passes for this in life--kind of an arbitrary number which would be more or less depending on your lifestyle and where you live, but ten felt right for me. I've used it twice. Once I didn't and it turned out I definitely should have. After that, I understand too well that it's better to regret politely leaving a function early than having your worst fear come to life.

The OP was pressured to go, which wasn't a great decision on her part. But making one bad decision does not by default mean you have to bear it out. It is still perfectly fine to politely leave something early, as I would have. The argument, "You made a bad decision in going, so then you had to stay because it was your fault you were there," doesn't hold water. It's a false dichotomy.

The OP's DH might have come from a place of not understanding, but even so, it's a bit silly to be angry at someone for not enjoying themselves, since you don't have total control over that, anyway. I would hope that a healthy relationship with anyone involves being able to say to them, "I'm feeling very uneasy here--not for any particular reason, but I just feel really uncomfortable. It is very important to me that I leave. I'm sorry this doesn't seem logical, and I'm happy to discuss it fully later, but right now I really need to leave." The other person might be confused or not understand, but if you mean anything to them, then they'll respect that.

TurtleDove

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #72 on: September 12, 2013, 02:56:23 AM »
I'm still not understanding the "fear" of Rusty. So the OP thought he would steal his host's guns and sexually assault her? Based on what? I guess based on everything we know I think the OP made some horrible assumptions about the host and about Rusty and especially because her DH dismissed her concerns I think she was out of line. But going forward, just don't go next time.

Raintree

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #73 on: September 12, 2013, 03:07:21 AM »
I'm still not understanding the "fear" of Rusty. So the OP thought he would steal his host's guns and sexually assault her? Based on what? I guess based on everything we know I think the OP made some horrible assumptions about the host and about Rusty and especially because her DH dismissed her concerns I think she was out of line. But going forward, just don't go next time.

I'm not understanding it either based on what she's written, but I wasn't there, and I know that in reality, sometimes people just give off a creepy vibe. But in general I'd probably be OK with staying at a weekend place among friends and having an unknown male there, as long as I knew the host and also had my partner there. The guns, I'd want to know the owner of said guns was a stickler for responsible storage and that they were properly secured/locked away, especially since there were a bunch of guys there drinking copious quantities of alcohol.

MariaE

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Re: Socializing with someone who makes you feel unsafe
« Reply #74 on: September 12, 2013, 03:10:35 AM »
Cami is 100% bang on. I still remember explaining it to my husband. As a female, I can't walk around confidently in most places like you can. I need to be more aware of my surroundings. If it's nighttime and I'm outside, I can't afford to not be on edge. You can wander around thinking about anything, but if I do that, I put myself at risk. This is blended into all sorts of things I do without even being conscious of it: I'll select which shoes to wear when going out based on if I'm going to be returning alone and therefore will have to wear something I can run in if I have to. I won't wear something without pockets at nighttime so I can have my phone on me instead of in a bag which can be grabbed or dropped.

I wonder if this is cultural? Because I can honestly say that none of this ever crosses my mind. Sure, there may be areas around where I'm on edge, but in general, just walking around outside at nighttime? No.
 
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