Bashing another person

[Visiting Crazy Town]

 I just wanted to say that  their seems to be a trend going around on Ehell that  if the OP has a problem with a person, even if the person really did not seem to do anything. People in an effort to support the OP begin bashing the other person and basically calling them names (etc Mean girl, creeper). This  bothers me because in just seems to immediate take a negative notation to the other person acctions. I think that  people can support the OP without calling other people names or automatically assuming the worse of people.

[SlitherHiss]

I've seen that, too. I think it's instinctive for us to protect "our own" and jump to their defense, but I do wonder what's being accomplished by calling the other party names. Isn't it enough to say they're wrong, or that their behavior was unpleasant? It's a little weird to see in a forum for etiquette, but I guess it's forum culture 

[veronaz]

I agree, but I also notice that this forum often favors public floggings (often quite snide) – even by moderators.  Indeed, that is weird on an etiquette forum.  But, it is what it is.

[cass2591]

Public floggings? Please provide a link(s) because I think most of our "public floggings" basically tell people to stop the specific behavior for which they are being moderated. Doing so tells other posters when the line is crossed.

Snide? Yes, I am perhaps the most guilty of that. Have you ever read Miss Manners?

[pharmagal]

I agree, but I also notice that this forum often favors public floggings (often quite snide) – even by moderators.  Indeed, that is weird on an etiquette forum.  But, it is what it is.

If I were the recipient of public floggings/snideness on a fairly regular basis, then I would look at what I am doing that may cause that reaction.   

I know that I am not always aware how how my on-line persona comes across.  Sometimes a reality check is a good thing. 

[Allyson]

I think sometimes people jump to bad conclusions because they only have one bit of info to go on--the behaviour that got them posted here. If we were honest most of us have probably done something in our lives that could get someone complaining about us, with most posters here on their side. But, in life we have a lot of other things than just one incident. Whereas here, we only get one little detail and maybe a "so and so is a great person" by the poster which tends to get either ignored or directly contradicted. I see a lot of things that to me seem like extreme reactions "cut off the friendship! never speak to them again!" type of stuff, but I think if you're assuming this person acts like that all th etime, it makes a bit more sense.

[Hillia]

I have to admit, sometimes the reactions seem extreme.  My mom was a person of strong opinions, especially around child rearing. They were based on what she learned as the latest science and best practices recommended by doctors when she was in nursing school back in the early 50's.  She gave very strong feedback to me when DS was young, especially around his sleeping in our bed (she was adamantly against it). Maybe there was more, but I am very much an 'eh' person, and it never registered with me one way or the other - I either took her advice or didn't, and that was that.

10 years later, she's doing a lot of childcare for my DB and his wife.  My SIL was a lot more sensitive about things than I was, for many good reasons - this was her MIL, not her mother; her history with her own mother, which was all about criticism; a totally different stress level in her daily life, etc.  And yes, my mom did things that were not right, like feeding my nephew McDonald's every afternoon because she thought he was too skinny.  She did that because that's what my DB's pediatrician told her to do for him back in 1970.  In her mind,  there was a problem with one of the kids and no one was addressing it.  She loved all of her grandkids and would have gladly done anything for any of them, but I can see that she definitely overstepped her boundaries.

It makes me sad to see so many people jump to 'I would never let her see  my kids again!'.  Certainly there are time when that's appropriate; no child should be subject to physical or emotional danger.  But sometimes it's a more benign situation, where Grandma is annoying, maybe letting the kids get away with something they wouldn't be allowed with their parents, but not ultimately harmful. I think of how heartbroken my mother would have been, not only to have her grandkids taken away from her but at how actions she thought were for the good of the kids were perceived as evil and manipulative.

[*inviteseller]

I have actually seen more bashing of the OP's lately.  Do I make comments on situations that may seem like I am bashing the person being discussed?  Yes, I give my opinion based on what OP says and what I would do if I am in that situation, but there seems to be a good amount of posters who get angry over any views that seem different from theirs and are bashing posters.  I have felt personally called out on my opinions in 'snarky' manners, and have seen some OP's ripped up for asking a question.  The reason someone posts is because they are in a quandry and the reason we respond the way we do is because we say what we feel we would do if it is us.  This is a discussion board with many,many,many different views that people give from their own life experiences.  I think the mods have been doing a great job of shutting down anything that is getting out of control with very good explanations. 

[Virg]

veronaz wrote:

"I agree, but I also notice that this forum often favors public floggings (often quite snide) – even by moderators."

In response to your comment about "often" I went through ten random threads and found none that contained any kind of flogging at all.  Sure, it happens, but saying "often" doesn't line up with what the threads themselves show, and so such a comment comes across as a dig against the moderators rather than a discussion about what may be wrong with the site or moderation.

Hillia wrote:

"It makes me sad to see so many people jump to 'I would never let her see  my kids again!'."

On the other side, there are often arguments about what posters said, and on going back and reviewing the posts I find that the accused behavior isn't anywhere near reality.  To take your example, I've seen lots of examples where someone will lament as you did, but when I read back the strongest comment I can find says something along the lines of "Don't allow her unsupervised visits until she can prove that she'll follow your practices regarding your kids."  A real example is a thread where "shut down the sleepovers at Grandma's house for the time being" drew three comments about how it's unfair to the kids not to let them have a relationship with their grandparents, and so before I ever comment about what "so many people" say, I've learned to carefully reread what was actually said so I'm not inserting my own biases into the discussion.

Virg

[Hillia]

Well, that's a fair point, Virg...it  may well be that my memory is picking up on the one poster in a thread who says 'Never again!' while the majority of the posters and the OP are saying 'time out until boundaries are well established', which is a whole different thing.  And it's certainly colored by the fact that I miss my mom like crazy and see hints of her all over the place.

 

[lowspark]

I find that that sort of thing happens when the OP doesn't give the characters in the story a name. If they are all named with real names, "Adam" for example, as opposed to "my cousin" or "my neighbor" or "person A" it makes it easy for people replying to specify who they are referring to.

But sometimes the OP (intentionally or not) actually starts it by calling the person "mean aunt" after which posters follow suit or abbreviate it to "MA".

It's always way way easier for me to follow a story and subsequent replies if everyone in the story has a real name.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

I have actually seen more bashing of the OP's lately.  Do I make comments on situations that may seem like I am bashing the person being discussed?  Yes, I give my opinion based on what OP says and what I would do if I am in that situation, but there seems to be a good amount of posters who get angry over any views that seem different from theirs and are bashing posters.  I have felt personally called out on my opinions in 'snarky' manners, and have seen some OP's ripped up for asking a question.  The reason someone posts is because they are in a quandry and the reason we respond the way we do is because we say what we feel we would do if it is us.  This is a discussion board with many,many,many different views that people give from their own life experiences.  I think the mods have been doing a great job of shutting down anything that is getting out of control with very good explanations.

 I haven't seen this at all if anything , people behave as if the OP couldn't have done a single thing wrong and they  are just surrounded by mean evil people.  I do think that  I support the OP sometime goes to far and that  a little self refection would do wonders. There are some poster so seem to have a problem with everyone. friend, coworkers, fiance, parents, inlaws etc.  taken separately people have talked about how the people they are reacting with are cruel , mean etc, but when you  look at the overall picture you  notice that  the only thing these people have in common is the OP.

[Redwing]

I find that that sort of thing happens when the OP doesn't give the characters in the story a name. If they are all named with real names, "Adam" for example, as opposed to "my cousin" or "my neighbor" or "person A" it makes it easy for people replying to specify who they are referring to.

But sometimes the OP (intentionally or not) actually starts it by calling the person "mean aunt" after which posters follow suit or abbreviate it to "MA".

It's always way way easier for me to follow a story and subsequent replies if everyone in the story has a real name.

I completely agree with this.  I don't like to read stories like Person A said to Person B, or my DS and DD love staying at their DG's home, but my SIL is a pain... 

I understand why people are reluctant to use names.  But I get confused trying to remember who's who.  I do much better with names.  I dislike the whole DH, DD, DS, etc. anyway.   But that's just my preference and I don't expect everyone to agree!   

I also feel sometimes people will jump to the "don't let them have unsupervised visits" or "cut her off" statements.  But then I remember that each of us says things based on our experiences.  While I may have had parents who were essentially great, not everyone did or does.

[veronaz]

veronaz wrote:

"I agree, but I also notice that this forum often favors public floggings (often quite snide) – even by moderators."

In response to your comment about "often" I went through ten random threads and found none that contained any kind of flogging at all.

 

Ten threads.  Out of over 33,800+.   

[lowspark]

I understand why people are reluctant to use names. 

The names don't have to be the actual person's names. I've definitely made up names to use in stories I've posted.