General Etiquette > Dating

When to Facebook friend a romantic interest?

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dearabby:
I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true.  ;)

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

amylouky:
Yeah, I wouldn't add someone until I'd be comfortable with them meeting my friends, family, and knowing where I live.
Maybe he has a pretty open page, and just meant that he had a lot of info/pictures/whatever that you could look at to see if you are interested? Although that seems a bit of a lazy way to get to know someone.

MrTango:
I don't think this is an etiquette issue at all, but more of a relationship/comfort level issue.

As with any other FB friending question, I don't think there's ever a time when etiquette requires someone to accept a friend request or any other level of interaction on social media.

For me, I would want to friend the person right away when I started seeing them, but I'd put them in a group that has some restrictions on what they can see and what they can post.

SleepyKitty:
I did a brief stint into online dating - I met someone whom I saw for just over a month. I added him around week two, since I wanted to get a look at his FB page. I would not add someone before we had gone on at least two or three dates.

I think it allows people a kind of neutral space to explore each other a little; what someone's posting or has posted in the past can be very illuminating as to how they are as a person, especially when you're still on the 'best behaviour stage'. Things were going well in person, and I was able to browse around his page and his pictures and see that overall he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy who didn't have loads of drunken photos, or super political posts, or anything like that. I don't think it's a lazy way to get to know someone at all, since presumably you're still talking on the phone and having dates with the person. It just allows you to see another side of them.

In the end, it didn't work out. The day before I told him I didn't think we should keep dating I blocked him from seeing my FB posts, and a few days later I quietly defriended him. No muss and no fuss.

lurkerwisp:

--- Quote from: dearabby on September 12, 2013, 10:31:52 AM ---I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true.  ;)

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

--- End quote ---

It doesn't sound like he's asking for you to be his Facebook friend, rather just to look at his profile on Facebook.  If his privacy settings are pretty open, you can certainly use that information to get a sense of what he's like beyond what his dating site profile would give.  It would have a more complete view of his habits, interests, what his friends are like, and general information you would want to know (and often would know right away if you had met in person) but he wouldn't think to put on a dating site.  He's being open to the idea that you would want to be sure he's a real person before getting any more involved.

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