When to Facebook friend a romantic interest?

[dearabby]

I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true. 

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

[amylouky]

Yeah, I wouldn't add someone until I'd be comfortable with them meeting my friends, family, and knowing where I live.
Maybe he has a pretty open page, and just meant that he had a lot of info/pictures/whatever that you could look at to see if you are interested? Although that seems a bit of a lazy way to get to know someone.

[MrTango]

I don't think this is an etiquette issue at all, but more of a relationship/comfort level issue.

As with any other FB friending question, I don't think there's ever a time when etiquette requires someone to accept a friend request or any other level of interaction on social media.

For me, I would want to friend the person right away when I started seeing them, but I'd put them in a group that has some restrictions on what they can see and what they can post.

[SleepyKitty]

I did a brief stint into online dating - I met someone whom I saw for just over a month. I added him around week two, since I wanted to get a look at his FB page. I would not add someone before we had gone on at least two or three dates.

I think it allows people a kind of neutral space to explore each other a little; what someone's posting or has posted in the past can be very illuminating as to how they are as a person, especially when you're still on the 'best behaviour stage'. Things were going well in person, and I was able to browse around his page and his pictures and see that overall he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy who didn't have loads of drunken photos, or super political posts, or anything like that. I don't think it's a lazy way to get to know someone at all, since presumably you're still talking on the phone and having dates with the person. It just allows you to see another side of them.

In the end, it didn't work out. The day before I told him I didn't think we should keep dating I blocked him from seeing my FB posts, and a few days later I quietly defriended him. No muss and no fuss.

[lurkerwisp]

I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true. 

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

It doesn't sound like he's asking for you to be his Facebook friend, rather just to look at his profile on Facebook.  If his privacy settings are pretty open, you can certainly use that information to get a sense of what he's like beyond what his dating site profile would give.  It would have a more complete view of his habits, interests, what his friends are like, and general information you would want to know (and often would know right away if you had met in person) but he wouldn't think to put on a dating site.  He's being open to the idea that you would want to be sure he's a real person before getting any more involved.

[auntmeegs]

I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true. 

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

It doesn't sound like he's asking for you to be his Facebook friend, rather just to look at his profile on Facebook.  If his privacy settings are pretty open, you can certainly use that information to get a sense of what he's like beyond what his dating site profile would give.  It would have a more complete view of his habits, interests, what his friends are like, and general information you would want to know (and often would know right away if you had met in person) but he wouldn't think to put on a dating site.  He's being open to the idea that you would want to be sure he's a real person before getting any more involved.

POD - it doesn't seem like he's necessarily asking you to friend him, just check out his page. 

[aussie_chick]

I agree, check out his facebook page since he offered but don't feel any obligation to add him as a friend or accept a friend request until you feel completely comfortable.

If he adds you and you're not sure yet, just leave it as a request until you make up your mind.

You are not being too restrictive. I often think that we're taught not to be judgemental these days - but to me, who we invite into our personal space and our personal lives is a time to be selective and maybe a little judgemental!

Don't be pressured either way. Move at your own pace and I think if you have a rule of only adding people you know in real life, then stick to it. If the guy is a nice, decent guy, he will have no issue with you respecting your privacy and being selective.

[earthgirl]

I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true. 

I have never heard this adage before but it is oh-so-appropriate for online dating (having spent much of my 20's on online dating websites before finally meeting DH).

Do what you're comfortable with.  He may just mean to look at his page to get more information on him.  If he meant that he wants you to add him as a friend,  I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I tend to keep my Facebook for just friends/family, I've got to get to know you a bit better first." 

Facebook wasn't as popular when I was dating, but I did get a lot of requests for my phone number right off the bat.  I'd just say that I don't give it out and need to get to know someone better first.  And then depending on the person would decide if that meant meeting in person or just emailing more. I meted out my phone number one number per email (sometimes multiple emails in a day) to my (now) DH when we first started communicating.   

[blarg314]

Personally, if it's someone I didn't know before dating, I'd add them after we had started dating exclusively. Definitely not before meeting them.

I'd put it along with things like introducing them to my friends and including them in my broader social life - I'm not going to do that to someone I'm chatting to on-line or have been on a few test dates with, but only after I've figured out that this is someone I want to introduce to my social circle, and that may be around for a while, and a major part of my own life.

[shhh its me]

I'm giving the online dating thing a shot again. That adage of "where the odds are good, but the goods are odd" has never seemed so true. 

One guy sent an initial message along with his full name and instructions to look him up on Facebook, which I'm not interested in doing.  I'm sure people have varying comfort levels with sharing on social media, but I prefer to keep Facebook to just people I've met in person. Friending someone gives them access to who my family are and where I live & work. In general, I don't even like sharing my last name until after I've met someone in person and have a sense that they are not a weirdo/stalker/creep.

Am I being too restrictive? What's a good level of privacy to maintain & when would you be willing to "friend" a romantic interest?

It doesn't sound like he's asking for you to be his Facebook friend, rather just to look at his profile on Facebook.  If his privacy settings are pretty open, you can certainly use that information to get a sense of what he's like beyond what his dating site profile would give.  It would have a more complete view of his habits, interests, what his friends are like, and general information you would want to know (and often would know right away if you had met in person) but he wouldn't think to put on a dating site.  He's being open to the idea that you would want to be sure he's a real person before getting any more involved.

POD - it doesn't seem like he's necessarily asking you to friend him, just check out his page.

In this case it sounds like this, so I would look.

[Pen^2]

I wouldn't friend anyone unless I was comfortable with them knowing my address, workplace, etc. either. So that means not adding anyone before I've met them in person.

For dating? After you've gone out a few times, and if you've decided you want to date, then add the guy. But if you do one or two dates and he turns out to be creepy or boring or just not someone you want to know your details, then I don't think you'd continue dating him either. So maybe give it two or three meetings with the person, depending on what they're like and how quickly you can feel sure that you're comfortable with them knowing where your family live and so on. But there isn't anything rude in not adding someone whom you haven't even met!

[TootsNYC]

He may have a lot that's public on his Facebook page, since he suggested it. So I'd say feel free to check, but definitely, don't send a friend request.

[greencat]

I wouldn't friend him, but I would view the provision of that information as him trying to make you feel more comfortable by saying "This is my real name, this is who I really am,  I'm really single." 

I also don't friend men I'm seeing until I feel like I'm actually friends with them.